By the way, I don't own Captain N and all other characters of Nintendo. This episode was originally intended for Mark Moore's Captain N continuation, but it didn't make his line-up.
Any part of the story that I can find that may generate controversy has been or will be modified and/or removed.
However, this story is rated PG-13 just to be on the safe side.
One Saturday morning ...
Outside the castle of Toyland, fairies holding superglue were waiting patiently for another group of fairies to finish opening one of the windows of the room with the Round Table. As soon as the window was open, the fairies with the superglue flew in and poured some glue onto one of the chairs. The fairies flew to the fairy waiting on the roof.
"We did the chair, boss!" chimed in one of them.
The boss fairy nodded her head. "Good. Now sharpen the forks. Make them so sharp, you can cut through steel with it in one jab!"
"Yes, sir!" shouted the fairies.
"Don't you 'sir' me, you idiots! Go now! Make sure these negotiations go all wrong!"
The fairies left, leaving the boss to ponder about what could happen next.
Inside the castle...
"I thank you for this opportunity for this talk, Your Majesty," Lana thanked the King Conrad of Toyland as they, Kevin, Link and Zelda passed through the castle doorway towards the Round Table. "I always thought there was a home for toys."
"Well, Your Highness," boasted the King, who wore a crown of gold and red velvet with a cross on the top. He also wore the famous red and white robe, and he had a long grey mane, with a father's smile accompanying an otherwise stern face. He wo re purple underneath, and on his chain was a huge golden cross, studded with purple topaz gems. "Toyland is the home for toys!! That's where they're created, and that's where some of them live!"
Looking at a king so dressed that way made Kevin uneasy. "Your Majesty, King Conrad?"
He happily laughed. "Oh, don't bother with the formalities, my young lad!" Laughter again. "Just call me Conerair. And what seems to be the problem?"
"Well...," He was going to mention the crosses on the crown, but decided not to. He asked instead, "I just want to know what is the problem with Toyland."
"Let's go to the Round Table and discuss it there, okay?"
"Sure."
The four followed the King to the Round Table. There, some fairy was painting some white stuff on a seat, but she scurried away when she heard them, and giggled as Link sat on that seat.
"Toyland is a land of opportunity," Conerair started, "the only home for toys in the universe. I thought if we were more visible through negotiations, that every toy will know about a home where they would be welcomed, in every shape, colour and si ze. Unfortunately, most of my workers are on strike, and they're from the fairy department. I do the best I can for them, but I surely can't give them more money without considering the other employees. That's why Princess Zelda from Hyrule is here. I need her special written permission for me to employ fairies from Hyrule, until I can settle an agreement with the strikers."
"Of course, you have my permission, Your Majesty," answered Zelda. "Already my subjects from the fairy kingdom are kind of bored, and would like to work already, but right now, job positions are full, and I would gladly have them doing something, instead of lazing around."
"Sure, now I have the negotiations. Without inclusion into Videoland, I cannot employ Hyrulians, because of Princess Lana's superiority." Turning to Lana, he asked her, "Shall we get on?"
"Sure, let's," was Lana's answer.
Halfway through negotiations, Kevin yawned, and Link was already asleep. Zelda listened intensively as the King rattled off his other necessities and Lana rattled off her necessities. It came so Zelda was the only one who noticed Kevin slip out the door. She followed him.
"Kevin, what in Toyland are you doing?" she scolded him, as he walked through a hallway.
"Look, Zelda, maybe you're used to boring talks," he shot back, "but I need action, and lots of it. I can't survive listening to my girlfriend rattle off negotiations with some guy I don't know. I don't care if he's the King." They continued walking.
"I don't know about you," Zelda said, "but I wouldn't walk out on an important event like this! Even when father was still alive, I went, and was bored, but I didn't sneak out!"
"You went to negotiations?" he asked her, surprised, as they took a left turn out the back of the castle.
"As Stacey would say, 'Like, duh'!" Zelda made a perfect Stacey impression, so perfect that Kevin smiled at her. Zelda slapped his face for that.
"Ow!!" he cried, as they turned to the front of it, where rioters with signs were picketing the castle.
"Hey!" shouted one. "There's a couple of them now!" He pointed to Captain N and Zelda.
"Down with the King of Toyland! Down with the negotiators! Down with the King!!" shouted the masses of fairies. A swarm of them surrounded the two.
"Great, just what we need!" complained Zelda. "A rioting mass of angry fairies!"
As fairies began to close in, Kevin tried his Power Pad with Zelda hanging on to him. In response to that, the rioters began to wave their wands, forming a shield around them.
"What the--?" was all Kevin could say, trying to zap them out.
"You can't zap our fairy magic!" shouted the leader of the fairies, laughing. "The shield is immune to everything human!"
"So we can't get out," answered Zelda. "You bastards! Let us out now!"
"Not until the judge arrives. And here she is now!" A female fairy cloaked in black arrived to the scene. "Your Honour, these troublemakers want to lay us all off, when all we wanted was a better life!" shouted the leader. Every fairy agreed, and the judge nodded.
"They do LOOK troublesome, being human and all," she replied.
"That's not fair!" cried Kevin. "Let us out! Princess Lana of Videoland will hear of this injustice!"
"I know the Princess. And I know that she's human, too. So I can't trust her either!" Then she smiled. "Executioner,..." she bade the strong-looking fairy, "change these two into toys, since they are of no use to us alive or dead. Arrange to have your friends bring in water for us to boil and schedule the melting pot for midnight, Friday night, for by next week we dine on treacherous flesh!"
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" both humans cried as the fairies chanted a spell and shrunk them to toy-size.
"Let them go now," ordered the judge.
"But you said for us to bring in the boiling water!" protested the leader. "What will we do with them?"
"You will let them go," she answered him, "because it would be a waste of time to kill them and besides, you know we can't eat toys! We're fairies!"
"And of the friends?"
"THEY will be the ones on which we dine!"
The strong fairy carried Kevin and Zelda off to a remote area and freed them there. When Kevin turned to catch him, he was gone.
Meanwhile, back at the castle...
"Hey, silly, wake up!" Lana prodded Link. "Dinner's served!"
Link woke up to see a big pile of food on his, Lana's and Conrad's plates. He asked to get up.
"No, lad," said the King. Then he clapped his hands and several maids and butlers arrived at the table. "You just sit and relax. Our servants will attend to your wishes."
"Actually, I have to go to the bathroom, sir," said Link, but when he saw the maids whip out a chamber pot, a bar of soap, a pail full of water and a towel, he looked at Lana's disapproving face and muttered, "but I don't have to go that badly!" The maids disappeared with their things, and reappeared with more food.
Dinner was going well, until Lana stabbed the roast pork with her fork and prepared to bite it. As she neared the fork, she didn't notice her fork cut her lip. But she did notice the sharp points of her fork touch her tongue.
"OWWWWWW! It's sharp!" she yelled. The King rushed to her aid.
"Maids, take that fork away," commanded the King, sighing heavily as they appeared at Lana's side.
"What happened?" Kevin asked Zelda when she got up. Then he looked at his arms. "AHHH!" he screamed. Zelda came running.
"You okay?" she asked him.
"NO! I'M NOT OKAY! I'M A TOY!! WE'RE TOYS!"
"Oh, boy!" she sighed. "Then we better find a way to get back and warn the King!" Then someone came out of the bushes.
"Who are you?" Kevin asked the people that emerged.
"We're toys, just like you are. I'm Kathy Carry-All," introduced a Barbie-looking doll. She wore a skimpy black dress with plastic high heels.
"I'm Topsy-Turvy," said the clown in a wheelchair.
"You look all right, but why the wheelchair?" asked Kevin.
"Because whenever I walk, everything goes topsy-turvy!" He demonstrated this by getting up from his chair and attempting a few steps. He fell down and looked dizzy. "It's very embarrassing when I go out on a date here, so the chair's better." He hoisted himself back onto the chair.
"My name's Jodi," said the black horse. "Maybe I can give you a ride. I would for Topsy-Turvy, but he's very stubborn."
"I'm General Gunshot, and this is my brother, Sargeant Slaughter the second. Just call him Slaughter." The general motioned to the big burly long-faced man next to a tank. "We're here to see about those protests against the King, sirs!"
"Sirs!" asked Zelda.
"You're Princess Zelda and that's your friend, Captain N, am I right?"
"On target. But we weren't born as toys."
"Ya mean, yer the real thing?" asked Slaughter. "Yer human?"
"Yes, we're human," said Kevin.
"Of all the humans we've met, you're the first humans we've met that became toys!" exclaimed Kathy.
"All right, who did this to you?" interrogated Gunshot.
"Fairies."
"Fairies? You mean those protesters?" asked a horrified Jodi.
"Sure do."
"Why this is an outrage!" cried Topsy-Turvy. "Toys like us must endure a whole lot of dangers unimaginable to humans. Toys are made to be strong. Humans aren't made that way!"
"Strong? Dangers?" asked Kevin.
"Like, you're a toy, so you have to spend nights all alone in the toybox. You also have to get used to missing or broken limbs, torn body parts, tacky clothes if you're a doll. And what about when they don't need you anymore? You'd feel abandoned. But we toys were prepared for this in Toyland. We learned to hold back our feelings, since owners wouldn't give a hoot anyway. We learned to take it. Humans would have to learn the hard way, and that's no good!"
"Plus, we only have a few days before Friday night to get back to normal and free our friends."
"The King, too? I hope we can free him, too!"
"The King, too."
Saturday, 6:00pm
The toys set up camp and started a campfire. General Gunshot roasted some steak with his rifle and wearing oven mitts. Jodi ate some of the barley that Sargent Slaughter carried in his backpack. Topsy-Turvy tended to the fire while Kathy, Kevin and Zelda searched for more firewood. They came back to feast on berries, steak and berry juice. After dinner, Gunshot barked out some more orders.
"Jodi! Take Captain N and Zelda over to the Palace and see if you three can warn them about Friday! Turvy! Go with them, see if you can distract the protesters while they go inside! We'll wait for you outside!"
"But how are we going to get there?" asked Zelda.
"Simple," answered Gunshot. "Slaughter! Go get the horse her wings and get the rest of us a cart!"
Slaughter complied. He searched his backpack, pulled out some turbo-metal wings and a harness, and placed them on Jodi. He then attached the harness to a red sleigh with rocket boosters. "It's the only cart I have, folks. Sorry," he told the others.
"Where did you get that backpack?" asked Kevin.
"Exact replica of Simon Belmont's. Got this from an old friend who melted before his time."
"Oh," said Kevin. "Let's go then."
A few hours later, in the castle.
"Link! Wake up!" Lana shook Link in his seat. He woke up.
"Huh? Morning already?" he opened his eyes.
"Yeah, right! Negotiations have just begun, but I can't find Kevin or Zelda anywhere!"
"Weren't they supposed to be here?"
"They're not anywhere in the castle! The King has been on guard since 4:00pm! All of his guards are searching Toyland for them! We've got to help them!"
"All right! I get the picture!" he held his hands up to show her he meant what he said. "Let's go find them!" Link began to get up, but noticed the hard way that he was stuck to the chair. His head hit the table hard. That's when Kevin and Zelda arrived at the window.
"Link! You're bleeding!" cried Lana. She pulled out a cloth. "Here, let me wash the blood off." She did, but she then noticed her bleeding lip. She took out some magic potion, not seen by Kevin or Zelda, and dipped a finger into it. What they did see was Lana putting her finger to her lips and then putting it on Link's forehead. Link smiled. Zelda was more than disgusted.
"Gross!" she stuck her finger in her mouth and gagged herself with her finger. "If that bastard thinks he can flirt with Lana and get away with it, he's got another thing coming!"
"Now, Zelda, let's be rational here," said Kevin.
"Rational? I am rational! After all those years of trying get me to kiss him, how could he? That self-centered freak!" Then she peered into the window and gagged again. Kevin peered, too and didn't like what he saw.
Lana pulled Link out of his chair, his clothes untouched, and he fell onto her. Both fell to the ground and a part of Link's hand touched her side, making her laugh. Kevin glared with fury.
"He was supposed to be my hero," he gritted through his teeth. "What the heck does he think he's doing?"
"Disgusting, isn't it?" asked Zelda.
Kevin agreed. "I say the first thing we do when we're normal size is strangle him to death!"
"Let's not go that far, Captain N. He may be a two-faced jerk, but Hyrule needs that two-faced jerk to protect it. I say we ground him for life!"
"You sound like my mom when you say that! When she says grounded, she really means grounded!"
"We can go look at them for hours and see them die," said Jodi, waiting patiently for them, "or we can go warn the King. Your choice."
"All right, let's get out of here," submitted Zelda to the horse.
"Yeah, I'm sick of watching this gross-out. Let's find another channel," agreed Kevin.
But soon after they left, Lana pushed Link off her and got up. Seeing what some of the people might think, Link got up and told Lana, "We didn't feel anything for each other, right?"
"Right. Nothing at all. It felt downright weird and scary with you on me."
"Seeing as you're not Zelda, I'll have to agree with you on that. And vice versa."
"Yes. Vice versa. Now let's go find Kevin and Zelda."
Sunday, Midnight.
"I can't sleep, Link," complained Princess Lana to the Hero of Hyrule in the hallway. The King had issued nightclothes for the guests, since they haven't brought any. Lana wore a pink pajama set and matching bunny slippers, while Link wore a white T-shirt and soft black pants and brown slippers. Both held brown teddy bears. Lana's bear wore a pink ruffled dress and ribbons and Link's bear wore a black tuxedo.
"Me neither," he agreed. "We've searched everywhere for them, and they couldn't be found! We've sent for all the king's horses and all the king's men. And yes, I know, I should have said all the king's soldiers, but for all I know, they can't put Operation Humpty Dumpty back together again."
"This search is a fragile case, for sure," answered Lana. "Operation Humpty Dumpty was supposed to bring Kevin and Zelda back to us, but I guess it was a bust."
"Yeah, bring them back to you that is," he muttered.
"What are you saying?"
"Hah! Everyone in Videoland knows what's really going on. Don't you dare think you can get away that easily!" Link yelled. "Just because you're the ruler, you think you can have the whole universe bow down at your feet anytime you want! You've got everything your heart desires! I've got nothing!!"
"That's not true!" Lana yelled back. "Don't you dare think that just because I'm the ruler doesn't mean I can do whatever I want! I have to work hard to gain respect here. Ruling is not just about passing laws, throwing debutante balls and looking pretty for the camera. It's much more than that. I have to take care of everyone. I have to make sure justice is served and I must review each law that I pass so that everyone's needs can and will be met. In fact, unlike you heroes, going on adventures and freedom trips, I must spend each day trapped in a jail cell they call an office, and serve my infinite time of universal service! Imagine, Link if you will, being the only slave of quadrillions of masters living all across the universe!"
"Then tell me, Your Highness, how can the only slave of quadrillions of masters take the only one of my life away from me? A part of me dies every time I see you and Zelda doing things together that she and I used to do!"
"Oooh, Mr. Hero is jealous of our 'seemingly' more-than-sisterly bond!" Lana teased.
"I'm not jealous! Well, maybe I am. My relationship with Zelda is strained now, and it hurts to see such high hopes I had for our relationship come crashing down straight to the Underworld!" he argued
"Always the Underworld! Always afterlife! That's all I ever hear from people these days! That people are coming back from the dead! Maybe that's true in Castlevania, maybe vampires and zombies are proof of some afterlife, but how can I be so sure? I've never seen Father come back from the dead. Maybe you're wrong! Maybe people don't come back! I'll never get the chance to apologize to Father for all the bad things I did!" She broke into sobs. "And I have so many questions about his life that will never be answered because he's dead and he's not coming back!"
Lana rushed into Link's arms, which made him feel a bit queasy, but he wrapped his arms around her. Now it made sense to him why Lana said it wasn't true about having the whole universe at her feet. "It's hard, isn't it? To have the whole universe in your hands for one moment, and then lose it all in the next? I know for sure that Zelda felt that same way when her father the King died. She cried for days, she wouldn't eat, she wouldn't sleep, and about a week after his death, I found her wandering around, delirious in the most dangerous forest of Hyrule on a cold, windy night, wearing only her nightclothes."
"She must have been insane!" whispered Lana, who stopped sobbing on his shirt. "Even if there were no wars, there would be no way I could do something as crazy as what she did. Besides, what Zelda did is not even in the league of what Kevin sometimes does."
"Oh?"
"You know, things like three years ago, he and Simon both wore dresses, wigs and high heels as part of a dare to see who can fool the Count the best. Kevin won hands down, although Simon did make a pretty good mommy."
"Anything more?"
"Yeah. There was that time he told me about how Mike started beating him up. Christmas vacation, 1988. Kevin and Mike were cutting up other people's hair. A braid here, a ponytail there, they were using pinking shears to cut away at locks and locks of beautiful hair. Then they got home and decided to do each other's hair. Kevin's hair was long, a bit past the shoulders. He prized his hair so much that when Mike cut it short, he decided to have his revenge. He strapped Mike to a chair in the bathroom, and got out a razor and the scissors. Kevin cut away like there was no tomorrow, and then whatever was left on the head, he razed down to the scalp. Mike was bald, but he thought it was cool. Then school hit, and everyone laughed at Mike, calling him names like 'Baldie'. That was when Mike decided that Kevin and everyone else would pay for his suffering. It's been like this until four years later, when he landed in Videoland."
"But if Mike was bald in 1988, how did he get all of his hair back by the next year?"
"Simple. His mother runs a hair salon and cosmetics company, called Vincent Van Gogh. That salon where Kristen works is one of those owned by Mrs. Vincent. Mike used hair tonics from there to make his hair grow back."
"Are they the company that manufactures stuff like Frizz-Zapper and Zit-Off Power Pads?"
"Yes! That's them! And to answer your upcoming question, yes, those names you mentioned were Mike's idea! But how did you know? Is Zelda stocking up on cosmetics and hair stuff again?"
"Unfortunately, yes, though she did stop her shopping sprees with Stacey after your IMMATERIAL GIRLS informercial. She has, however, started shopping at bargain and second-hand stores more than at department stores."
"Well, I guess you can't change everyone completely."
The next morning, General Gunshot had begun cleaning his rifle. He saw Kevin come in to his area, turned his back, grabbed a cloth and began polishing. When Kevin was about at arm's length, Gunshot muttered, "You know, kid, I heard a story about some guy cleaning his gun, and it fired. Right into the back of his brother."
"Really?" he asked. "Where, and when?"
"1945. End of the Second World War. Guy's about your age, a redhead. His brother had blond hair, blue eyes. I suppose he was standing in a trench somewhere, and the brother was up ahead. Takes out a cloth, only it's not as clean as this one here. He got out the dirty cloth he used to protect himself against chlorine attacks and used it to clean his gun. Disgusting, ain't it?"
Kevin nodded, just barely able to control his nausea.
"I figured this guy, he was cleaning his gun, around the trigger area when it happened."
"What happened?"
"Damn trigger-happy finger of his got the better of him, and he fired the gun. Brother didn't even stand a chance."
Kevin gulped. "What's the point of the story, General?"
"Point is," he answered, "ya gotta watch your back, kid. Don't let guard down, and ya got no back-stabbing so-called friends. I heard this other version that says the guy didn't clean the gun, just flat-out aimed at his brother and fired. But that wouldn't be a story to tell the kids."
Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were spent on mostly strategies, failed plans and building and testing gizmos and gadgets. Kevin, Gunshot and Slaughter all practised their firing skills using handmade guns, because they wanted to save enough energy for their real guns. Zelda taught Topsy-Turvy about balance, and before you knew it, he ditched the wheelchair and went back to his unicycle. Katy, being a plastic doll, often took off her head to brush her hair, only to put it back on again. Jodi ran around a lot, and it wasn't long until the gang reached the castle.
Friday evening the final day,
"I don't know what could just happen to them!" cried Lana. "Kevin, I understand, but it's not like Zelda to just disappear!"
"Don't worry, Your Highness, we'll find them," reassured King Conrad. "I sent my best soldiers and warriors on the job. If they haven't found them by tonight, we'll post a bulletin all over Videoland, just like we planned."
"They'd better find them," scowled Link. "But we better not catch Kevin or anyone else messing around with MY Zelda!"
"YOUR Zelda? She's not an object, you chauvinist pig!" Lana then punched him in the eye.
"Why I oughta" Link raised his fist, but the King stopped him.
"That's enough! There will be no fighting here in this world! Understand?"
"She started it," muttered Link, pointing at Lana
"Did not!" she muttered back.
Both stuck out their tongues. "Kids," sighed Conrad. "Am I so happy NOT to have them!"
Then a rattle shook them off the floor. A swarm of fairies flew in and took them by surprise, and the judge appeared. "King Conrad, I presume?" she smiled, without showing her teeth.
"Blasted fairies!!! I gave you all that you ever wanted, even a raise last week! What now?"
"It's time to end your reign over Toyland!"
"What? My reign doesn't end until next year! Wait until then!" As he had told everyone before, rulers were elected in Toyland, not born, and they ruled for a fixed amount of time.
"Hah! We want to end your reign NOW!" The fairies seized the King, Lana and Link using a super net and hauled them to the toy melter where Kevin, Zelda, Gunshot, Slaughter, Topsy-Turvy, Jodi and Katy were waiting.
"This is the final day this King will rule our lives!" yelled the judge. "Place the net into the melter! And take the Princess and Warrior-Boy too! We don't want any squealers!" she ordered, and about a hundred fairies did so. The King, Lana and Link could not get out of the net, and water was poured in.
"Now, let's get our plan into action!" whispered Kevin to the other toys.
"Right!" they shouted, and darted off into several directions. Topsy-Turvy filled his water flowers at a nearby river, dousing as much of the fire as he could. Jodi rallied her horse friends and prepared to shove the melter over. Zelda and Katy readied the sharpest things they could find to cut through the net. Gunshot and Kevin readied their guns and stood guard, while Slaughter took out a cross and a jetpack from his knapsack. Using the jetpack, he flew over to Turvy's water and blessed it with the cross.
"Slaughter!" cried Kevin from his position. "Are you crazy? Crosses won't work against fairies!"
"That judge ain't no stinking fairy!" he yelled back.
"WHAT?" cried the toys, as Kevin fired at a striker. The striker fell down, a little smoky. Gasps came about, and sighs after when Kevin checked his gun.
"Good. It's only on stun." He then set his gun to kill and started boring holes into the melter's base. Katy and Zelda joined them.
"Be careful!" they warned him. Zelda continued: "Boiling water might scald us all, and you don't know what's been there!"
He stopped. "Katy, Zelda, I thought you two were up there cutting the net!"
"We were," answered Katy, "but the net was too strong. I think it's a magic net."
"Besides," added Zelda "the net was above the melter. Cutting it there would throw Lana, Link and the King into hot water, so to speak."
The pot was full and the water still boiling. The net was being lowered, and Link's sword stood by a rock, unguarded. Zelda brightened up when she saw the sword. "I have an idea, but I'll need some rope and the wheeled platform that we built yesterday."
Slaughter provided the rope and Zelda tied one end to her right arm and the other end to one of her arrows. With Kevin and Gunshot holding her, she fired the arrow, which circled around the handle of the sword twice, and struck the ground. The men and Zelda anchored the arrow and Jodi, who arrived just in time with her horse friends, pushed the platform under the sword. The team, with Turvy now, pulled on the rope until the sword quietly reached the platform, and they pushed the platform towards the melter. Most fairies noticed, but did not budge, as the group hoisted the sword off the platform and positioned it under the melter. When Link noticed his sword under the pot, he whispered, "Zelda?" and began wriggling through the ropes that bound him.
"Now what?" asked Kevin once the sword was positioned. "We're too small to jump on that sword! We need all the help we can get, and I can only carry a few of us up there with my Power Pad!"
"Now we run out of ideas," answered Zelda, matter-of-factly. "Even if we all could get up there, even Jodi's friends, there is no way we could jump hard enough to move the pot even one inch."
"One inch may be all that we need, and I better take back what I said about not being able to get us up there." Kevin grabbed each of his friends on each trip to the handle, and jumped himself. The judge spun around to see what happened and glared.
"Get them!" she commanded the fairies. They hesitated and turned to the toys.
"No!" shouted Kevin. "Don't do it! Think about your King over there!"
The fairies looked at Conrad.
Kevin continued: "don't you see what you're doing is hurting the one who takes care of you all, the one who sees to it that you are protected, fed and clothed? What about the money he has paid you to take good care of your families? Is this the way to treat your caregiver? I think not!"
"Don't listen to him!" yelled the judge. "I am the way, the only way! King Conrad is evil, and wants to take away your money and make you his slaves!"
"That's not true!" cried Lana. "King Conrad is a good man! He can lead like a leader, stop fights like a peacekeeper, make fair judgments like a judge, and make and keep promises! Look at this!" Her hands being unbound, she produced a piece of paper that read:
To Johann Fibonacci and his friends in Fairy Brigade #8675309:
The Play Party, together with its leader, King Conrad, wishes to extend condolences to you concerning the extreme working conditions in your environment. We have all agreed to pay you a sizeable sum of 20,000,000,000 credits total for pain and suffering, plus 60,000,000,000 credits towards a new toy factory with new, state-of-the-art equipment and materials, a raise in each of your salaries, and new, clean uniforms for everyone.
Sincerely,
King Conrad, Leader and current Ruler
Princess Janice Holfaster, Chair and Spokesperson
Justin Walsh, Minister of Finance
Harold Goldberg, Secretary
Emily Wilkerson, Minister of Health and Education
Geraldine Lipinski, Minister of the Environment
The fairies pondered upon the money they would receive. Suddenly, one of them asked, "You can promise that?"
"It is already done," answered Conrad, "and if you would look at the figures in your treasury you will see that we are telling you the truth."
When the fairies consulted their minister of finance, she automatically confirmed what the king had said. All were overjoyed, except the judge.
"No!" she cried out. "You're supposed to destroy the king, not cheer for him!" She snapped the rope, letting the three people fall and saying, "Well, if you want things done you've got to do it yourself!"
"Madam," declared Johann, the leader of the fairies, "I did not think it would come to this. I usually do not say this to another fairy, but with you, I'll make an exception: You are the sickest, most demented and most disgusting fairy I have ever known in my entire life!" All others cheered. Johann continued:
"When we appointed you to be our judge, we expected you to be fair, both to us and to those who we think have wronged us. This is because we work that way. We are fair and just, like you should be. We do not kill. In fact, we are vegetarians, and you should know that. What you're doing is totally wrong, stupid and unfairylike!"
"Oh, and what will you do now?" she asked him. "More hero-talk or save your king?"
Johann gasped. The judge had started the fire again, and the humans were sweating. Looking at the pot and the humans that were scrambling to find a way out of the super-strong net was frightening, to say the least. He had to rally his group together to help the toys already on the sword.
"Fairies!" he called. "All sorcerers, surround the base of the pot! Work as much magic as you can to lift it off the fire! Executioner!"
The strong fairy approached him. "Remember your rope spell?", asked Johann.
The executioner nodded. "We'll need lots of rope. Get some of your strongest friends to help you pull that sword down! I'll round up some of the toys and we'll confront the judge! The rest of you try to take out the fire!"
The sorcerers surrounded the pot, and chanted spells, used magic powder and raised their hands to try to lift the pot. The executioner and his friends, after making rope, threw it towards the toys, who were directed to throw it back on the other side and secure the sword. The process continued until the executioner ran out of friends, which were quite a lot of them. Johann gathered Kevin, Zelda and Slaughter with fairy magic and met the judge on the rim of the pot. The humans gasped when they recognized their toy-sized friends.
"Your conventional weapons can't hurt me!" she bellowed.
"Wanna bet?" Kevin zapped her at her thigh, burning some flesh. It was to his surprise that she didn't flinch, even as he cut her leg at the knee. No blood spewed forth.
"I told you she ain't no freaking fairy!" yelled Slaughter. "She's a monster, a shrunken vampire from Castlevania!"
"So you finally found out the truth!" the judge bared her fangs. "But I'm still going to win!"
"No, you're not!" chuckled Zelda.
"This is no time for laughter!" scolded Captain N.
"Yes it is!" Zelda snapped back. "Captain N, you remember watching that infomercial that Lana and Kristen did about saving money?"
"Yeah. It was funny seeing Stacey buy all that stuff that she really didn't need."
"Yes, but Kristen did mention how much trouble her mother had when she wore high heels. Now look at the judge."
He did look, and gawk. "She's wearing high heels, too!"
"Add that to the oil arrow I borrowed from Kid Icarus a week ago, and the spell that I cast to lengthen it to my size, and Slaughter's cross and…"
"…we use the arrow to make an oil puddle at the monster's feet, Slaughter can throw his cross to the water in the pot, the monster will slip, and we'll make sure she falls into the water! But will it work?"
"Trust me! If she's not destroyed by holy water, she'll be scalded by hot water! Besides, I think she deserves it, don't you?"
"Yeah, she definitely does!"
With that, Zelda fired the oil arrow at the vampire, who did not hear their conversation. Slaughter threw his cross into the water, and fireworks appeared. Kevin began teasing the vampire.
"You want me, monster? Come and get me, you coward!" he shouted, and continued until the vampire saw red. Kevin readied his Zapper, and Slaughter, who always wore a helmet and goggles over his eyes, got out a whip. Kevin and Zelda were surprised that he didn't reach for his gun, but seeing that it was a vampire that they were facing, and that the backpack, which the whip came from, was a toy, they dismissed their thoughts immediately.
The vampire attacked, only to slip away from the pot. Kevin blasted and Zelda fired her towards the pot, but it came to no good. She was still falling in the wrong direction. Then from the ground, Gunshot aimed and fired at the monster, who finally toppled back onto the pot. It was then that Slaughter wrapped the whip around her waist and flung her into the water. Everyone watched, as she screamed, "I'm melting!" about 100 times, and they cheered as she finally disintegrated.
Then the pot tipped over, and the toys fell onto the humans. Johann looked over to see victorious fairies and toys that doused the fire, Jodi and the horses and sorcerers who lifted and pushed the pot, and the executioner and his friends, who succeeded in pulling down Link's sword.
"Hey, look!" cried one of the fairies, and others crowded around her. The magic of holy water splashed upon the toys, Kevin and Zelda became full-size humans again, and the super-strong net vanished.
"Yeah, they're humans again and the net's gone. Big deal," muttered a fairy next to the news-giver.
"I know that! But we've got one extra human! Look!" She pointed to Slaughter, who was now even taller than Princess Lana.
"Uh," was all everyone could say, as Lana, Link and the King helped themselves and their friends up.
"I can explain all that," announced Slaughter, as he removed his helmet and pushed his goggles up his forehead. Kevin gasped.
"Simon Belmont!" cried Lana, Link, Kevin and Zelda.
"At your service, my dear Princesses!" He kissed the hand of a dumbfounded Lana, and greeted Zelda with a bow at his waist.
"But how – "
"Very simple," he answered. "I know Iris, that vampire who tried to eat you, Your Majesty. She once invaded Wily's castle in an attempt to suck his blood. Don't ask me why, I only know the facts. Well anyway, she approached him, but he used his shrinking machine on her in self-defense, and threw her out before she could even take a bite. So, about three days ago, I happened to hear rumours about her landing here in Toyland, and disguising her self to pass off as a fairy. I decided to investigate, only to come across fairies and be turned into a toy."
"We should have known!" Zelda slapped her forehead with her hand. "Both Kevin and I know that Simon is known only in Castlevania, and nobody in Castlevania knows how to make a small replica of his backpack!"
"There are also no Castlevanian employees here in Toyland, since negotiations aren't finished yet!" added Kevin.
"Wrong, Kevin," interrupted Lana. "They are finished." She turned to the King, and continued: "and may I say that, with the exception of that incident tonight, Toyland is a wonderful world to share in, and the tour that you gave us while searching for our friends, has shown that your toys are well cared for and well-bred, thanks to rulers like you! Consider now Toyland a part of Videoland!"
"This is wonderful news, indeed!" Conrad exclaimed. "We must all celebrate! You say you have a band?"
"Why, yes, we do. Would you like to hear us?"
"Certainly, as soon as you get your band together."
"Will do!"
"Then, to the concert hall!"
The Toyland concert hall was packed with fairies and other toys. Simon, Jodi, Turvy, Katy, Gunshot, Johann, Link, Zelda and the executioner all had front-row seats, while Conrad sat in his king's balcony. With Stacey on keys, Mike on drums, Lana on bass and Kevin on lead, the Video Game Masters were ready to roll!
"Thank you all for coming!" announced Kevin. "I would like to thank all of our friends who helped us to defeat the vampire, known as Iris to you Castlevainians out there, once and for all! Please stand for the national anthem!"
That was the cue to begin playing. The band played and leafed through the pages to follow the melody of the anthem (which is the lyrics to "Toyland", but I forgot them).
When the band was playing the theme songs to all Castlevainian games released so far, Zelda yanked Link towards her. "Saved you again! Kiss me!" she told him.
"Hey, that's my line!" he answered. "But oh, well." He leaned forward to kiss Zelda, but she pushed him away.
"After you tell me what's going on between you and Lana! Have you two been sneaking around behind my back?"
"No, no way! In fact, I want nothing to do with her anymore!"
Zelda saw red and stood up. "So, you think she's nothing but a piece of junk?!!? You better watch what you say, or I'll – "
"No, it's not like that at all! I mean I like her, but I don't love her, I – I – I – "
Zelda took a swing at Link, but tripped and fell face down on the floor. Link laughed.
"Nice going, Princess!" he chuckled.
"Well, excuuuuuse me, Hero!"
The two continued fighting even as they and their friends left Toyland for the comfort of their own homes, and you could say they lived unhappily ever after, but that would be far from the truth.
GAME OVER