(Paper Cuts. It's a way to describe their relationship. The pain does not show, it is easy to hide, and it does not look so bad, but it hurts all the same. Literati)
(A/N: So, Jess has been gone for about a month. Rory is standing strong, or at least she thinks she is. Because, after all, a Gilmore girl like Rory doesn't wallow.
Italics are flash back. But ya'll know that!)
Disclaimer: I am no way affiliated with Gilmore Girls. It belongs to the WB and Amy Sherman-Palladino. I am no way affiliated with Rory or Jess, Milo Ventimiglia, or Alexis Bledel. I also have nothing to do with Barnes and Nobel, or the books Howl, or Oliver Twist, or the character of Dodger.
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She walked into the bookstore. It was a plain bookstore. A couple hundred books, no Barnes and Nobel by any means, but it was cozy. It has a couple of misshapen chairs here and there, but this is where Rory spent most of her time.
Where they spent most of their time.
She quickly shoved that thought out of her head.
Where she spends most of her time.
That sounded about right. Her. She. It was singular, and it would never be plural again. At least not when speaking about him.
Him. That was singular also. But she couldn't worry about that now. She was going to Yale after all, an Ivy League college at her disposal. Yale, it was four letters. Simple. But so was his name. Jess. Yale. Too bad that there amount of letters was the only thing that they shared in common.
And it was a shame. She thought she had loved him. She actually knew it for a fact. But, she would just have to let it go. She would be too busy in a couple months to think about anything but school. But, that was the problem wasn't it. She couldn't stop thinking about him.
She walked over to a bookshelf. Her fingers skimmed the spines of the books. She read the titles, and realized that she had read most of them. Her hands came to a sudden stop. They rested on a book that she had read many times. The book was worn; its back cover was slightly frayed. This was a used bookstore, so somewhat damaged books weren't uncommon.
She picked up the book, and held it in her hands. Gripping it as if her life depended on it, holding it like she never wanted to let it go.
That was it. She never wanted to let the relationship go. But he left, and she stayed. She let him go. She couldn't help but think if she would have just talked to him, or forced him to talk to her, if she would have just saw the signs that she could have fixed everything, or the things that could be fixed. But, she let him go. She didn't see his pain, because maybe she was too concerned on her own. He could always pull off the mask better than her. It sounded like one of those pathetic love stories, but this was no story. This was her life.
The book was Oliver Twist. It was close to her heart. She had loved the book even before she met him, but knowing him just deepened her love for it. She opened it. It had a faint smell, somewhat like a mix of hair gel, and cologne. Maybe a slight taint of cigarettes, but it was not noticeable. She recognized the smell. But she couldn't quite remember it, or chose to forget.
She flipped through the pages, and almost went into shock. She opened the book to the inside cover. On the page, in sharp handwriting, it said Jess Mariano. This was too much. She walked over to the counter, carrying the book.
She bought it. Yes, it sounded pathetic, but she had to. She had felt as if it was calling to her. It was silly, a book calling to you. But that is what it did. She could not describe it in any other way. She walked down the road, past the gazebo, and Luke's. She cut through some trees, and walked down the dirt path. Her feet made little ridges in the dirt. Soon to be blown away as if she had never even been there, the wind carrying away any evidence of her.
Branches broke under her shoes, as she continued walking. She came to a bridge. Just a simple wooden bridge, but it held special memories. Before she knew him, it was just a bridge. But while they had built their future, her connection with the bridge had grown also. It was not just a simple wooden bridge anymore. To the contrary, it was like a journal, full of memories from times past.
She sat on the bridge, legs dangling over the side, shoes slightly skimming the water. The book rested in her lap. Taunting her. She sat there for about ten minutes before even thinking about picking it up. She fingered the pages. Flipping through, and reading a note or two that he had left in between the pages. That was his specialty. His notes were full of logic, and sensibility.
He had a great mind she thought.
He has a great mind she corrected herself. She knows that he could do anything that he wanted to, and she did her best to support him. It just wasn't enough.
Her fingers came to the part where the Artful Dodger comes in. Dodger was sly, and curious, clever and deceitful. Those were all words that could describe him, and Jess for that matter. She re-read one of her favorite passages that had reminded her of Jess. She remembered the night that they met. It was after they met actually. They walked down the street for a while, and talked. He did a couple magic tricks, and she was unimpressed.
…
"I just wanted to put some notes in the margins for you." He told her, trying his best to look sincere.
"What? You've read this before." She stated, looking at him in shock.
"About forty times." He told her. She, herself only got through the book Howl about fifteen times.
"I thought you said you didn't read much?" She asked, slightly confused.
"Well, what is much?" He asked, looking from the book that she held, to her.
"Goodnight Rory." He started walking off. She couldn't let him go that easy. She was a Gilmore girl for crying out loud. It was a take-no-prisoners concept.
"Goodnight, Dodger." She yelled. She knew he would respond in someway, and she would be delighted to hear what he had to say.
"Dodger?" He asked, taken aback. He didn't know how to respond to it.
"Figure it out." Rory teased, looking through the pages once more, and beginning to walk in the direction of her house.
"Oliver Twist." He came up with it, and she smiled. He obviously had picked the right answer.
…
She smiled at the memory. God, she missed his smile. It was different. And when he smiled, which was not often, it felt like her world was all right. He mom had told her that's what love feels like when you first notice it. She had never believed her until now.
She had had enough. It was time for her to go. She closed the book, and put her right hand on the old wood. It was cool against her skin. The elderly nails dug into her hand as she pushed herself up.
She started walking off towards her house. She couldn't help herself. She opened the book one more time, before closing it up for good. She just had to see his writing. It was addictive to her. She took in a little, and then couldn't get enough.
She decided to close it before she became one of those girls that her mother and her had decided to despise when she was younger. It was one of those girls that pine, and wait for a guy, and stop living their lives for them.
But there was a problem with this theory. She had already become one of those girls, slightly of course. She was pining over him, and she hated that. But it wasn't something that you just get over, even though God knows she has tried. She decided to give herself time. Its not like she was going to stop living her life, or put her world on hold for him, she just needed this.
She looked back down at the book. She was angry with herself for even buying it, and for a second considered throwing it in the lake. She decided against it. She figured she would keep it. Glance at it every once in a while, reminding herself of what she had lost.
It was like a punishment, but she had to keep it. Her brain told her to chuck it in the lake, or better yet burn it, but her heart was too big to let herself do that. She glanced down at the book, and shut it. A small piece of paper flew out of the top. She caught it before it hit the ground. The paper was about the size of a small index card she thought. It was torn around the edges. His handwriting was on it. She knew better than to read it. But, once again her heart took control, and she mentally kicked herself for it.
On the front of it, it had some sloppy notes written all over it. She flipped it over, and stared at it distinctively, concentrating on every word written on it.
Figured you'd find this. You always do. Find everything figure it all out. You read things like a book, find your way into every emotion so there is no way to get you out, no matter how hard you try. I tried so hard. No one was ever able to read me, know everything I was feeling. And I made it tough. I didn't want to let anything, or anyone for that matter in. Maybe it was instinct, maybe something else? I'm not sure.
I just want to say that I'm sorry for everything that I put you through. I know that it was wrong, but I need to find myself, and I can't do that in Stars Hollow. I find me asking myself if anyone could ever forgive someone for putting him or her through everything I did to you. I came up with my answer, although it does not appeal to me, it is logical.
-Dodger
I really did love you.
That's what the letter said. It was enough to make Rory cry. Her tears fell to the pages of the book. How did he know that she would find his book? He knew her. That's the only thing that she could come up with. With the letter, there was a number. It looked like a cell phone number, but she knew better than to think that Jess had a cell phone.
She reached into her pocket, tears still streaming down her face. The hot salt burned her eyes, and fell down her check, filling every crevice that they could find. Scavengers. She thought. Tears were hungry scavengers, and they were tattle tales. They told everyone's emotions, and engulfed them in sorrow. She pulled her phone from her pocket, and dialed the number. She didn't know if she could get in contact with him. She didn't even know if it was a phone number, or just a number casually jotted down for something. She didn't care. She just needed to hear him.
The phone rang three times; she was just about to hang up when the ringing stopped. There was heavy breathing on the other line, and even though she tried to fight it, she started crying, this time harder from hearing the sound of his voice. She hated herself at this moment. Completely hated herself, but she could not just hang up now, she had gone too far.
"Rory?" The voice was muffled.
She figured she had probably just woke him up, but at that moment she didn't care. More tears came pouring down, and through the sobs, she was able to make out the once sentence that summed up everything that she wanted to say. A simple sentence where she would have to try so hard, but it would still get the point across.
The sentence was ringing in his ears. He did his best to keep composure. Through the sobs, he had heard her sentence loud and clear.
"Screw logic." Repeated over and over in his head, and he knew he had to see her.
Hey! What did you think? I tried not to make it too sappy. I did my best. Please review! I would love to hear what you all have to say.
Also, I would like to know if I should do a sequel. You know, if Jess actually goes back to see Rory, her reaction to seeing him if he goes. Does he care enough to actually go? Tell me what you think. Thank you!
-Train