Roy sat with his back to the wall contemplating the gun on Hawkeye's desk with his dark eyes. He had stayed late to finish paperwork and to no surprise the pile of papers lay untouched. It was not in his nature to do paperwork nor was it to break down as he was beginning to. Now he sat rigidly, staring at a way out; out of life.
"What can I do Maes is it the only way?", he asked, "life has given me pain and sorrow… guilt." He closed his eyes for a moment shivering in his own kind of winter, would it ever end in life? Roy gritted his teeth and then shouted, his eyelids flashing open, "I JUST WANT TO BE FREE!" Tears streamed down his already wet face; "I just want to be free." He didn't try to wipe them away, he wanted to be motivated enough to make the final shot that would end his Fucked up life. "Hell won't be half as bad but I know you won't follow me there, you're an angel Maes."
Everything was silent for a moment but the colonel's mind was screaming and he couldn't make it stop. I'll push you to the top my friend, my friend, friend, friend. Roy sat there remembering the only friend he thought he had, "I'll keep him company on the other end, I have nothing else to live for." Any sane person would, but he had to do it he was insane now, he needed to do it. Get a wife Roy you'll be much happier! "Where did that come from?" Roy allowed himself a quick smile, which even more quickly turned into more sobs.
He tried to stand up but every time he did more memories approached him, hey Roy do you wanna see what I can do with this knife? Ok Maes let's see ya do it, I wanna be first to see it buddy. But that was from a long time ago how could he remember it now when never before? It was like the Brigadier Hughes were watching over him, not allowing him to find the cowardly way out of life. I'm gonna be the best alchemist ever and when I die I'll do it with my head held up high, I'll be the fuhrer Maes! Yeah right, fuhrer whatever you say "Mustang". "Any reasonable friend would let me die in peace," he said softly to himself. Then I'll go with you Roy, I'll come with you to the military and help you be the fuhrer, I'll be the top of the investigation department, maybe even a brigadier general! "Maes…"
"I'm sorry," Roy got up painfully, pushing his back against the wall for stability. The gun shined beckoningly, and he didn't even wonder why Riza's prized gun was in his reach. "When people are about to die their whole life flashes through their eyes, is that what is happening to me?" He reached for the gun with shaking hands slowly, savoring each moment of life; with anticipation. "I guess this is it Maes, if I am going to hell visit me, torture me there if you must."
In the morning Riza got up earlier than usual, so did everyone else. They slowly filed into Roy's office, the sun shone on his tired face. "I just want to say guys, thank you for showing me the right way," he said to them all wearily, "If you hadn't whispered those things into the loudspeaker-." "What do you mean?" asked Havoc laughing, we were all home asleep when you were here overtime." Roy had a confused look on his face, "You mean those voices…" He trailed off. "Have you been hearing voices colonel?" The colonel didn't answer, he just turned away and smiled.