Title: "Loving Fear"

Author: Youko-sama

Category: angst/general

Rating: R, for language, violence, and abuse; also for shounen-ai and related innuendoes.

Notes: Pairings—Youko Kurama/Shuuichi Minamino; for any Japanese words I use, they will be in italics. Please see the bottom of the page for the definitions. Whenever "Kurama" is mentioned, it's his youkai form. Shuuichi is his human form, respectively.

Disclaimer: Youko-sama does not own any rights to Yu Yu Hakusho. All rights and related characters are copyrighted to their respective owners.

----------------

Chapter 1: "Okaeri Nasai"

The voice continued to drone on. Shuuichi looked at the clock, then at his own watch. He wasn't going to like this…he wasn't going to like this at all…

"Shuuichi? What do you think?"

The red-head snapped his head up and tried hard to conceal the look of utter confusion on his face. "I'm sorry," he began, in his velvety-soft voice, "what was the topic?"

The voice sighed. "What are your thoughts concerning the class project?"

"I think it's a splendid idea," he lied; he had no idea what they were talking about. "Go ahead and start planning it; I'm sure you don't need my help."

The voice started to drone on again. It was only when the screeching of chairs and the movement of the people next to him brought Shuuichi back to sound mind. He checked his watch again: the meeting had taken thirty minutes.

Quickly, he gathered his books and slung the messenger bag on one shoulder. He excused himself as he tried hard to politely push his way through the crowd of class officers, who had decided to socialize at the doorway. He checked his watch again, and quickened his pace. He could only hope that nothing else would slow him down.

He was wrong.

"Oi, Kurama!"

He knew that voice. Lowering his head a little, he tried to walk even faster, without breaking into a run. The voice called out again:
"Kurama! Wait up!"

Yusuke sprinted slightly to catch up with the red-head. "Ne, Kurama, didn't you hear me?"

Shuuichi's eyes darted towards Yusuke. "Please, Yusuke," he asked, almost begging, "I can't talk now. I have to go home."

One of Yusuke's eyebrows rose. "But…why? Didn't you move out to your own place? You don't have to take care of your mom anymore, right?"

"Please, Yusuke," he begged again, "I have to go home right away. I have to…study."

Something was up; Yusuke could sense it. He decided to press the issue further: "But…finals aren't for another couple of weeks. Why do you need to study this early? It's not like you need to…hey, Kurama, you listening?"

"I'm not Kurama…" Shuuichi muttered.

Yusuke thought he heard it, but he couldn't believe it. "What do you mean?"

The red-head stopped walking and turned to face Yusuke. "I'm not Kurama," he said, staring his friend in the eyes, "I'm Shuuichi." He resumed walking.

A little startled, Yusuke was left slightly behind as he pondered what Shuuichi had just said. He ran a little to catch up again. "Oh, I get it," he said, grinning. "Whenever we're in public, you want me to use your human name, right?"

"Please, Yusuke!" That was the third time he had begged. "This is no laughing matter! I need to get home, now, and I'm sorry but you're slowing me down!"

"Kurama, what's wrong?" Yusuke asked, keeping his voice low.

"For the last time," the red-head started, a little panicked, "I'm not Kurama!" He adjusted his messenger bag and ran the rest of the way to the train station.

Yusuke shrugged his shoulders, figuring it was "just one of those days". He turned around and walked back to the arcade, where he was before.

Shuuichi stopped in front of his apartment door, heart pounding furiously. He checked his watch again, and his heart sunk into a pit of fear: he was fifty minutes late, according to his standards.

He took a deep breath, to try and ease his nerves, as he slid his hand into his pants pocket, searching for his keys. As they were pulled out, the hand holding them was shaking, causing them to jingle, their sound carrying throughout the hall.

He aligned the right one with the keyhole, but it took a few tries for it to successfully go in. He paused, almost regretting if he turned the lock. But he turned the key, and the familiar click resounded through his head.

He pulled out the keys and stuffed them quickly into his pocket once more. He grasped the doorknob and tried to turn it; his hand slipped each time, slick with sweat. He wiped his hand on his pant leg, and tried once more. Finding a firm grip this time, he opened it slowly.

"Tadaima," he said softly.

Half-way through opening the door, it was abruptly snatched from his hand. A clawed hand reached out and pulled him inside forcefully, and slammed him against the door, closing it.

"Where the hell were you?!" the silver-haired youkai yelled.

Shuuichi lowered his head, in pain and fear. "I was at school…" He was slammed against the door once more.

"Don't give me that shit!"

Tearfully, Shuuichi looked up towards his captor, his eyes wide with fear. "I swear I was! We had a class meeting this afternoon, and I was obliged to go—"

"And you didn't think to tell me?" the youkai growled, his fox ears pressed flat to his head.

"Kurama, I swear, I didn't know about it either! I swear I would've told you if I had known ahead of time!"

"Bull shit!" Kurama snarled as he ripped off Shuuichi's messenger bag and threw it behind him, managing to knock into a side table against the hallway wall and severing the front two legs. The table toppled forward and a vase filled with roses fell to the floor, shattering upon impact.

Kurama raised a fist, causing Shuuichi to flinch, whimpering. However, instead of carrying out his first thought, the youkai slammed his fist with considerable force onto the door next to Shuuichi's head. He pushed against the door and turned around, massaging his temples. "Stay there," he commanded to the crying human, who had slid down and sat against the door, his face buried in his tucked up knees. Sharp, short breaths could be heard coming from the youkai, who tried to suppress his anger.

After the youkai had calmed down some, he looked over his shoulder at his distressed counterpart. He serenely walked over to Shuuichi, and bent down to his level. He flattened the red-head's legs and sat on them, embracing the whimpering human and stroking his hair.

Tears continued to stream down Shuuichi's face, as he shut his eyes to avoid eye-contact with the youkai. Caressing the red-head's face, Kurama leaned closer and licked the crying human's tears.

He pulled back slightly, overlooking the beautiful creature in front of him. He leaned forward once more, and rested his lips upon Shuuichi's. After a while, he broke the kiss, resting his forehead against the red-head's.

"Okaeri nasai," he whispered, before pulling back and standing up. He walked towards the kitchen, in effort to make dinner, leaving Shuuichi to himself.

Shuuichi just sat there, his head lowered, staring off into nothing. After a few minutes, he struggled to his feet and walked slowly to the shattered vase. He started to gather up the pieces, almost mindlessly, and putting them into a pile. He next picked up the roses which had managed to scatter themselves around the area. Roses in hand, he stood up and quietly walked to the kitchen area.

He set them onto the counter, as he looked for a spare vase in one of the cabinets. Finding one, he filled it with water from the sink and placed the roses into their new home. He pushed the vase to the back of the counter, against the wall, and proceeded to the supply closet around the corner; words were not exchanged.

He returned from the closet carrying wood glue, two clamps, a hammer, and a container of nails. Not yet extensive in his tool supplies, he gathered all that he could find and assumed that they would work. Silently, he walked back to the broken table, and set his tools down.

Much to his relief, the two frontal legs had been severed cleanly from the top part of the table; everything was whole. He set the table on it's side, and began working on the leg at the top: applying the glue, nailing the leg back to the table, and setting the clamp to keep it still. He would work on the second one later.

Kurama had finished making dinner. He set down the two sitting pillows in front of the Japanese-style table, proceeding to gather the food. "Shuuichi," he called out as he finished setting the table, "dinner is ready. Come over and eat."

Shuuichi stood up from his work and walked over to the table, sitting down. His face still carried the blank look of trauma, but Kurama wouldn't admit to himself that he knew what caused it.

"Itadakimasu," Shuuichi said quietly, Kurama following soon after with the same routinely phrase.

They ate in silence.

Shuuichi was the first to finish. "Gochisou-sama deshita," he said, putting down his chopsticks. He quickly gathered up his bowls and plates, taking them to the kitchen and loading them into the sink. He walked over to the small wall enclosing part of the kitchen, and rested his arms upon it, waiting for Kurama to finish.

He didn't have to wait much longer. Seeing that the youkai was done, he strode over to the table and knelt down, and started to gather up Kurama's dishes. He shuddered slightly, because he was being watched the entire time. Once he stood up to take the dishes to the sink, preparing to wash them, the silver-haired youkai finally stood up as well, heading towards the couch. He sat down and turned on the television, flipping through the channels to find a show to watch. He found a suitable one, and set down the remote. He then proceeded to rest his arms on top of the back of the couch, midly interested in the current program.

The sound of the flow of water coming from the sink stopped, and Kurama could hear bowls and plates being set on the counter, preparing to dry.

"Ne, Shuuichi," Kurama called out, eyes still focused on the screen, "come over here and watch t.v. with me when you're done."

"I can't," the red-head called back, drying the dishes.

This brought a response from the youkai. He looked over his shoulder and glared. "What do you mean, you can't?" he asked harshly.

Shuuichi didn't feel like facing his aggressor, so he kept his focus on the dish in his hand. "I already said, I can't," he replied, trying hard not to make Kurama any more angry than he seemed "I have homework to do."

There was no response.

"I'll come watch when I'm done."

Kurama held his glare for a little while longer, and, seeing that Shuuichi didn't turn around, he snorted and continued to watch the show. The youkai could hear bowls and plates being put away into the cabinets, then footsteps walking down the hall; his ears twitched with the sound. Shuuichi picked up his messenger bag and slung it onto his shoulder, walking into his room.

The current show ended, and another one began. Kurama growled a little. He sure as Hell isn't trying to avoid me, is he?

He was just about to get up to find the little red-head when he heard a door close. He whipped his head around, only to see Shuuichi walking out of his room. Shuuichi glanced up and caught eye-contact with the youkai. He held his messenger bag up slightly, to show he had really been working on homework the entire time. He continued to walk down the hall, Kurama's glaring eyes tracking his every movement. He set his bag down by the door, and started off in the direction of the couch. Once Shuuichi had reached the edge of the couch, Kurama broke his gaze and focused his attention to the show, sliding over towards the arm of the couch further to allow Shuuichi some room.

The red-head sat down next to the youkai, reluctantly. His emotions were telling him to get out of there, now, but his logic knew it'd be easier if he just stayed.

Shuuichi soon realized how tired he was. All the stress from the day had taken a toll on him, and the homework was no help either. Hesitantly, he wrapped his arms around the youkai's waist and lied down. Warning bells screamed throughout his mind, but he ignored them. He could only trust Kurama now, no matter how difficult that was for him to accept.

Kurama smirked slightly, and he rested a hand on Shuuichi's back. The red-head's body tensed slightly, but he forced himself to relax.

The youkai continued to watch the show, his fingers twirling red locks of hair in his grasp.

----------------

Japanese terms:

Tadaima – "I'm home" (idiomatic expression)

Okaeri nasai – "Welcome home" (idiomatic expression)

Itadakimasu – lit. means "to receive"; is said before meals, can be interpreted as "Bon appetit" (idiomatic expression)

Gochisousama deshita – said after meals, can be interpreted as "it was a good meal", etc. (idiomatic expression)