Title: Arrogant Man
Author: Tearsofamiko
Rating: K
Disclaimer: I own nothing about the NCIS series, its characters or plotlines. Why rub it in?
Spoilers: Bury Your Dead
Summary: "I couldn't tell you, so I had to lead you on, but I didn't mean to break your heart." (Break Your Heart – Barenaked Ladies)
A/N: A drabble-y thing I wrote as I was avoiding my homework.
.:::.
He sits in the shadows of the squad room, staring blankly at his monitor, letting the hypnotic screen saver lull him into a semi-relaxed state. He'd gone home hours ago on orders from Gibbs, but somehow it doesn't surprise him to find himself back behind his desk when he should have been sleeping. He hasn't slept well recently, what with everything he'd been doing for Jenny and Gibbs in the past few weeks, and, even though the undercover op he'd been running was over, he doesn't think he'll be sleeping any better any time soon.
The stricken expression in her eyes still lingers, clouding his thoughts and making it hard for him to concentrate on anything else. All the things he had wanted to tell her, all of the different times he could have tried to tell her who he really was, the desperate, anguished shock in her eyes as he glanced over at her father and back; it haunts him more than the childhood vampires in his bed-curtains ever had. Even as he acknowledges the truth about everything to himself, he feels another stab of the sadness that he knows is a vague mirror of what she must be feeling.
He could have told Jenny at any time that he needed to break it off, but for his stupid pride, his need to prove to himself (and Gibbs and McGee and everyone else that had ever doubted him) that he deserved his reputation and his rank. It was pride that kept him silent, kept him from telling Gibbs or Ziva about the mission, kept him running after Jeanne. It's remembering that pride that makes him cringe again how badly the op ended and how much he's hurt her. Makes him feel ill at how easily lie after lie fell out of his mouth and how easily they were accepted as truths.
He tries to placate himself with the thought that he'd never set out to make her fall in love with him but, as with the other tries to comfort himself, it doesn't work. He'd offered her a relationship deeper than any he'd tried to create on his own. He'd gone slowly, because he needed the op to last and because he'd had to figure out things out as he went. He'd had no experience with anything lasting longer than a month or two and, the entire time, he'd been afraid of hurting her. In retrospect, he sees that his hesitation, his respect for her, and his inexperience had worked in his favor, helping further his insight into her and the goal of the mission, but turning his good intention against him.
He'd never meant to break her heart.
He knows his reputation: Love-'em-and-Leave-'em DiNozzo. It was cool in college, gave him distinction in the police forces he'd worked on before D.C., and made the dating scene fit so much easier into his life as a Federal agent. He knows that this operation isn't going to damage that reputation, just add further cement to it, make it harder to live down. Because people won't see how much it hurts him that he broke her heart; no matter what he does, how he changes, there are some things people prefer to remain unchanged.
He sighs as his thoughts start to re-cycle, as he starts to pick apart each aspect of the case and his relationship with Jeanne. Each mistake, each lie, each little bit of himself he'd willingly shared with her cuts a little deeper. He'd enjoyed her company, had thought her beautiful, intriguing, captivating, exactly what he'd always told himself he wanted in a woman, but somehow had never fallen in love with her. He liked who he was with her, had liked the way she made him feel, but that was it. There had always been something missing, something that made him feel that, even if everything could have turned out okay, he couldn't have spent the rest of his life only loving her. It might be callous and maybe it makes him feel a little better about the whole thing, but he knows it isn't an excuse.
And when he glances up for the first time in hours and catches the dark eyes watching him from across the room he realizes how much damage he's caused. How much the fallout from the undercover mission may have hurt his reliability and his standing with his team. How much it may affect his relationship with his boss. And with his partner.
He didn't mean to break her heart.