Numb
Summary: These are the thoughts of someone. You'll find out who in the end. Kinda/sorta companion piece to "Hit the Floor".
A/N: Well, since so many people like "Hit the Floor", I just might have to do a sequel to it ... And no, this isn't the sequel. Although, it does take place in the "Hit the Floor" timeline of events.
Disclaimer: I don't own either Harry Potter and all his associates, nor do I own the rights to "Numb" or Linkin Park.
Have you ever felt that no matter what you do, it'll never be good enough for someone else? Like, no matter how hard you work, they'll just point out that someone else is better? I mean, they keep pushing you into another role. They keep pushing you to be somebody entirely different from who you are ... from who you want to be. There are days when I don't know what to think anymore with all the pressure on me. There's the pressure of walking in my Father's shoes. There's the pressure of honoring the family name. There's the pressure of what the other magical people think of me when they see me, even before hearing or knowing who the bloody hell I am. I mean, let's face the bloody facts here ... with my family, I'm pretty much recognized as soon as they see the colour of hair.
Hair.
How is that for dictating my life? One look and they think they know me and my ideals. Only problem is, the ideals they think I have aren't really my true ideals. Besides, my hair colour doesn't show who I really am, just what well-known family I'm connected with. I've just been hiding behind the colour of my hair for a long time. It's ... easier in a way. Although, I still feel like I'm making a mistake for taking the coward's steps of following the general opinion.
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Bloody hell. Half of the comments made about me and my family don't even affect me anymore. I've just became so ... use to them that I'm numb to their effects now. Pathetic, really. Since I come from a pureblood wizarding family that goes back generations. But, what are you truly to do? After everything, what's suppose to happen? People just ... leave you alone? I don't think so. The wizarding world is full of too many people looking for something to improve their lives with, even if it is just gossip. And that kind of has an impact on how you live your life, you know? You always seem to by hyper aware, hyper sensitive, that someone, somewhere, is commenting on you for something you've done in your life. I should know.
And then that's when my Mother asks if I'm alright because I seem to be so jumpy lately. To which all she gets in response is a half smile, a shake of the head and an "I'm fine". She'd never really understand. Hell, not even my Father would understand my reasoning. And, when I'm being brutally honest with myself, I'd rather be more myself then be a carbon copy of my Father.
Sometimes ... that is a rather scary thought considering what and how I was taught growing up.
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and less like you
You know the feeling that whatever the world throws at you, you're sure you can take it because you're always told that you can take it since no one is worth the time it takes to bring you down? Well, I guess they kind of forgot that there was a war going on. A war which has started up again after being on hold for ... nearly 15 years I believe.
I've just ... felt smothered my entire life.
Funny, I still felt smothered during that time, huh? I mean, it would have made more sense if I felt smothered now, during said rejuvinated war. But I don't. I feel too many people around me trying to keep control of what I say and do. My family, my friends ... hell, even my fiancée! Although, I think they all are finally starting to realise this last year I haven't really been "myself". And everything is starting to crumble to pieces because of that, since they have no idea who I'm turning into.
But, why continue if the way I was going was a mistake to me? It is my life, afterall. So, I think I should be allowed to go it on my own. I'm old enough now. My Father and Mother are just worried because they think I'm being ... seduced? tricked? lead astray? ... to the Otherside of the war. As if. I've long held to the majority of their ideals. It's just ... I never really wanted to go against my family because that felt like a mistake. But, I've thought long and hard about this the last few months. And I have decided to change sides in this War. I've already been in contact with several people who I now that will help me.
I've wasted long enough on someone else's dream for me.
Now it's time for my dream for me.
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second that I waste is more than I can take
Now. All that's left is to face the shock, the anger, the feelings of betrayl, the threats, the disappointment ... and a possible disownment from the family. Which ... to think about it, doesn't seem like a good enough reason to go through with this. Who would, willingly, make a choice that would lead to being disowned?
Well ... I would.
Through the disownment, I'd finally be able to make a new name for myself. And cut all ties with my family. That is a good thing to me. I'd finally be able to be myself. I'd finally be able to make friends based on our personalities and not just because their families might not be either the same standard or on the same side as mine. I'd finally be my own person.
... Bugger it. If Father is displeased, it's more then worth the disownment from the family.
More then worth it.
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Hmm ... I wonder if Father ever did this soul-searching? I mean, if being my own person will (to him, atleast) fail all the teachings that I went through while growing up? If he ever thought about it being worth it in the end? I wonder if he tried, but failed because of the label of our name? Hell, I wonder if he even thought to try to change after marrying Mother? If he did, would things be different? Would I be thinking of switching sides in a War between Dark and Light? Would I already be on the side that I want to be on now?
That is a tough question to answer.
And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you
So, here I am sitting be the window in a room labelled as "mine" for the time being. Contemplating my future because of the changes that will be happening soon ... and contemplating the past. The only thing that I can feel right now is my own emotions running like a herd of rampaging hippogriffs inside of me. I'm numb to the prescence at the door before it moves away. It could have been anyone in this bloody place, but I don't care. I'm numb to that very fact that I should care who it was. In these last few days, I've become more aware in more ways then one. I know what my family is going to think. Mother will be blaming herself silently and Father will be asking himself what he could have done different.
All I care about is that I'm glad to be doing what I want for once and not what everybody thinks I should do.
And about damn bloody time!
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I see the owl as it's winging it's way towards me. I know who it's from. My contact, my main contact. It'll be his answer on what's going on. On what's going to happen now. Opening the window, I let the beautiful owl in.
Grabbing the parchment baring my name, I give her an owl treat. Quickly, I open the folded parchment and skim through the short letter, smiling.
It's time.
Time to make myself a new name. Time for me to be myself, my true self, because I'm tired of being a stereotype for my family's reputation.
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I stand as the snowy owl heads off, baring a letter for Lupin. Standing by my packed trunk, I take off my engagement ring and put it on the bed. I'm not saying good-bye to anyone in my family. It's not mine anymore anyhow, since I've chosen the true path I want to take.
Afterall, I'm following Harry Potter. Yes, I, Bill Weasley, am forsaking the Light and will be joining Lord Voldemort on the Dark side because that's where I truely belong.
Besides, Draco said they made bloody good cookies, and I'd like to try one.
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
A/N: Surprised? Well ... I hinted at him being on Harry's side in "Hit the Floor" ... So I thought I'd write about what changed his mind.