Make a Wish
By Marie del a Meer
Summary: Susan's POV during 'A thousand cranes' Pairing; Susan/Sean
Disclaimer: I don't own ER, any of the characters or pretty much anything else, except my imagination. I have recapped parts of the episode A thousand cranes only to put the rest of my story in context. Don't sue me.
Author's note: Feedback would be greatly appreciated. I know that A thousand cranes is from season 9, but I only saw it for the first time recently. The spoilers are for, No strings attached, A boy falling out of the sky, A thousand cranes as well as any Susan and Mark stuff up to Union Station. If anyone wanted it to be a song fic, I could imagine having Bob Dylan's 'Shelter from the storm' playing in the background.
Susan couldn't care less what Sean's mother wanted right now, Sean was her patient, his wishes should exceed hers. "I think you're doing the right thing Sean."
Sean refused to make eye contact with her, intent to stare at the pavement, "I think it doesn't matter what you think."
Susan was taken aback by Sean's words, though she doubted he really meant them. Reality was simply sinking in and he was hurting. She was the doctor and she couldn't help him. He couldn't repel her, she could feel he really wanted her to stay. So she took a seat on the bench next to his wheelchair.
Sean glanced up, his expression was regretful. "I'm sorry, I'm not sure while I'm so pissed at you." His words lacked any real emotion, he sounded broken. Hopeless. "Guess it all just feels so much more real now. I keep daydreaming about all the things I wanted to do, get really drunk at a college party, go windsurfing, get married and have kids... stupid stuff."
Susan knew those weren't stupid things to want, she wanted them for herself. Well, not the windsurfing. "It's not stupid," she said.
"Even after I got really sick, I kept talking myself into believing that I had more time. At least enough to do some of those things."
Susan could feel pain in her chest like she couldn't breathe, she felt so sorry for him. She had seen the gauntlet of human emotion, the different ways people grieve at receiving the news that they are dying. She had seen it in Mark, the fear of not being able to see things through, the loose ends, the missed opportunities, the never was'. The truth as far as she could see was that if they told you you had a year, it took a year, if they said four months, then it took four months, for the person to accept they were going to die. There's a process that can't be escaped when the foreknowledge exists. Patients certainly went through it in different ways, but they all felt it. Without chemo Sean probably had three weeks, chemo could stretch it out to two months. But the time itself was meaningless, because he wasn't preparing for either deadline right now.
"Sean Simmons?" the hospice carer enquired, though he seemed pretty sure of himself.
The hospice carer was about to load Sean into the minivan. Susan caught sight of Sean's eyes, he just looked regretful, he was pleading with her. It just felt so rushed, it wasn't right somehow. Susan knew she wasn't ready to say good-bye yet. "You know, hold on a second." She addressed the man, before turning back to Sean, "Sean I can't get you into college and windsurfing is nuts, but you know what come on, let's get out of here." Susan stood in front of Sean offering her hand out to him.
"For real?" Sean's expression lightened.
"Yeah come on, unless you have someplace else to be." Susan extended her hand to him.
The carer intervened, "I have to take him home to his mother."
Susan was determined, "Yeah, could you call his mother for us."
Sean was overjoyed, "You can tell her we went on a date," he joked.
"I'll have him home by curfew." Susan laughed as she walked to her car with Sean trailing her.
"Maybe," insisted Sean, "Tell her maybe."
Susan led Sean to the ferris wheel. It wasn't until they were alone five stories in the air that it dawned on her how cold it was. How many sixteen years olds had she told that they were going to die, or told their parents that they had died. She couldn't even come up with an estimate in her head. Had she become so dead on the inside?
Sean smiled, "I like it up here, it's peaceful."
Susan turned to him, "What are you thinking about?"
He stared into the night sky at the stars. "Choices," was all he said.
Susan felt she knew exactly what he meant.
After a moment of reflection he continued, "Sometimes I wish I had done it differently."
"Me too," Susan admitted, to herself as much to Sean.
Whenever something of significance happened over the years she would often sit and reflect. It usually led to her regretting a lot of choices she had made, or chastising herself for sitting around and waiting for things to happen.
Sean continued, "I was always waiting for my life to start, you know." a single tear ran down his cheek, "and that's never going to happen."
Susan felt she could have written the book on waiting for her life to start, and it wasn't that she didn't try, it just didn't come or it felt forced or something...
Sean's voice broke her from her reverie, "My sister Julia read this book about a little Japanese girl with cancer. She tried to make a thousand paper cranes because she thought if she did her wish would come true."
"What did she wish for?" asked Susan.
"To get better, I guess," Sean answered nonchalantly.
Susan couldn't help herself. "So how many paper cuts do you have?" She deadpanned.
"A lot," Sean chuckled. "Mine was kind of different though."
"What was it?" asked Susan.
Sean bent his head as if embarrassed, "It's kind of hard to explain."
Susan stared at Sean. She wasn't sure what to make of that, Why wouldn't he wish to get better?
Susan didn't have time to contemplate it any further as Sean leaned over and slowly placed a kiss on her lips. Susan shook her head, but couldn't help smiling as she looked across at a triumphant Sean.
Sean's face lit up. "Pretty good for a dead kid, huh?" He grinned.
Susan smiled too, "Not bad at all," she replied as she placed her gloved hand over his.
Sean's clear blue eyes were fixed on her, waiting in anticipation. Susan leaned over and lightly pecked Sean's lips. His whole face lit up.
Sean pulled Susan in closer to him. When their lips met this time she opened her mouth and let his tongue glide against hers. Susan felt her heart race, she felt so alive. His arms held her close and he ran his fingers through her hair. Her hand rubbed the back of his head, below his beanie, feeling the stubble from where his hair had begun to grow back after the chemo.
They only broke apart when the carriage in front of them was stopped and the people got off and on. They were let off the ride next. Sean wasn't interested in anymore carnival rides. He laced his fingers in-between Susan's and led her back to her car.
Susan knew she was over that line you're not supposed to cross but at the same time didn't care. All she knew is that she didn't feel alone.
Susan felt conflicted. Is it such a crime to give a dying person what they want? Okay, so I'm 36, over twice his age. He's 16 which would make it statutory rape. He's my patient, ergo completely unethical. His mother wants me to stay away from him, if she finds out I will lose my job and possibly go to jail. But what about what Sean wants? What about what I want?
And yet, it just didn't feel like the wrong thing to do.The irony wasn't lost on her, the first person she felt a connection with in a long time was terminally ill.
Susan checked her watch, it was almost seven. Sean's curfew was nine. They got in the car and drove away from the bright lights.
After a couple of minutes of silence Sean spoke, "So where's your apartment?"
"About ten minutes from here, but I need to make a stop."
"For condoms?" He asked.
Susan was taken aback by his frankness. She exhaled, "Yeah."
"I don't think we need them."
"What?" Susan took her eyes from the road to question him.
Sean laughed, "Susan, I'm a virgin with no testicles."
Susan chuckled as well, "Oh yeah."
It was tragic and funny at the same time. At least it lightened the mood. Susan had become increasingly quieter since the kissing on the ferris wheel. Guilt.
Susan ushered Sean into her building. She prayed she wouldn't see any of her neighbours. She was being ridiculous, even if she did see someone she knew they would have no idea what she was up to.
Susan took off her beanie and coat and put her keys on the table. "Do you want anything to eat or drink."
"No thanks." Sean proceeded to walk around Susan's apartment taking in her things, getting a feel for the kind of person she was. The apartment was clean and gentle, feminine, but also messy, comfortable and lived in.
Susan stood at the kitchen counter watching him. Susan's apartment since moving back to Chicago was more stylish than the last. She had more money now and had less need for the clutter. Perhaps she was more sophisticated, or just more empty?
Sean found the door to Susan's bedroom and went in. The room had been painted a cheery yellow colour. The bed frame was black wrought iron, with a mauve bedspread. Sean sat down on the bed and began to examine the two frames on the bedside table.
He picked up a photo of a baby, about a year old, with light coloured hair and dressed in pink. The next frame was strange it contained four black and white photos from those booths at amusement parks. The pictures were all of Susan and some nerdy looking guy, skinny, balding and glasses. Both of them were pulling odd faces or not looking at the camera, until the last shot which was cute. They looked happy.
Sean looked up to see Susan standing at the door watching him.
"So who is this baby?" asked Sean.
Susan kept her distance. "My niece, Susie."
"She's cute."
Susan smiled, "Yeah, she's adorable. That's an old photo, she's seven now."
"Why don't you have a more recent picture then?"
"That photo reminds me of a time when I was really happy."
Sean wasn't sure what to make of that comment, but he had the impression Susan didn't want to discuss it any further. Susan came over to the bed and sat down next to Sean.
"I know you don't have a boyfriend, so who's this guy?"
"That's Mark, he was my best friend... He died last year."
"What happened?"
"Brain tumour." Susan paused in silent reflection.
Sean had that knowing look, of one who knows the pain of a death sentence.
"How old was he?" Sean asked.
Susan shook her head, "Too young."
Sean tucked an errant strand of Susan's blonde hair behind her ear. He glanced at her lips. Susan could see how nervous he was. She took the woolen beanie off his head revealing his bald white scalp. She then leaned in and pecked him on the lips mirroring his earlier actions. The kiss quickly became more passionate. Sean's hands returned to her hair. Susan pulled Sean in close to her as he laid her back on the bed. He began to kiss her neck while his hands began to unbutton her blouse. Susan's hands made their way under Sean's sweater pulling it over his head.
Pretty soon Susan was wearing only her bra and underpants and Sean in his boxer shorts. His chest was hairless and so pale. Because he was so young his skin didn't have those signs of age, freckles or wrinkles. Susan couldn't help but wonder if without the chemo, Sean would have had chest hair. Sean's hands fumbled with Susan's bra, he couldn't work out how to unhook it.
"It's okay, take your time," Susan whispered in his ear. Susan laid down on her stomach so he could see what he was trying to do. She thought back to her first time, Floyd had no idea how to unhook a bra either, that time she had taken it off herself, which had bruised his ego. It was so different, Floyd had touched her breasts and crotch, but that was all it was, adolescent tactile behaviour, not that there had been much foreplay. Sean successfully removed the bra and proceeded to run his hands over her whole body in a way that she felt enveloped in his embrace, it was so intimate and surprisingly gentle. She guessed if you were having sex for the first and last time you weren't going to rush. Her hands proceeded to caress his scalp and face. Their eyes were locked in-between kisses. Beautiful and intense was the only way she could have described it.
His hands nervously reached down and removed her underwear. He pulled back from her so that he could look at her naked body more fully. He looked at her with an adoration more than pure lust, Susan didn't feel exposed. He wanted to touch her vagina but seemed unsure of how to go about it. He inserted two fingers into her warm centre his hand displaying a jerky thrusting motion.
"Is this okay?" Sean seeked her approval.
Susan placed her own hand over his and guided him to her clitoris, rubbing his hand to demonstrate what to do. He copied her motions.
"That's good," Susan complemented him as her breathing became more laboured. Sean appeared delighted at this.
Susan wrapped her arms around Sean's body and rolled him so that she was straddling him. Susan's hands moved from Sean's chest to the waistband on the boxershorts, he raised himself up so that she could remove the last piece of clothing between them. Sean was fully aroused, so Susan decided not to give him anymore help, otherwise this could be very quick. She eased her body down on to him, hearing him gasp. Sean began to move his hips in a thrusting motion. Susan placed her hands on his hips so that she could slow him to her rhythm. Sean's breathing became rapid and his body became tense and began to shake, then he climaxed.
It took a long time for Sean's breathing to return to normal. Sweat poured from his body. He was so exhausted. The chemo had made him weak. They each lay on their side facing one another. After what seemed like a long time Sean finally spoke, "Thank you."
Susan smiled before leaning over to kiss him again. It was the first time in a very long time she felt content. For once she hadn't been the 'good girl', sensible and responsible.
Sean looked over at the frame containing the booth photos of Mark and Susan. "Were you in love with him?"
Susan was silent for a few seconds before she nodded her head.
"He didn't love you back?"
"No he did," Susan nodded her head, and stared at the frame with a sad expression on her face. "I'm the one that blew it. You know how you mentioned choices that you would have done differently... well Mark was one of them."
"Got a thing for bald guys, huh?" Sean grinned from ear to ear.
Susan couldn't control the smile that broke out, as her hand rubbed his bald scalp.
Maybe it was because he was dying, or because he had been through so much, but Sean was easy to talk to. Bearing her soul didn't feel pathetic or risky. She expected to feel guilty, after all, her problems in comparison to Sean's were insignificant, but it didn't feel that way.
"You know, you're the first person I have really connected to since Mark. I started to think I would never have that again," Susan confessed, the sadness was inherent in her voice.
"You can't change what happened with Mark, but you can change the things that are going to happen." Sean wasn't a child, but her equal. Her lover?
Susan's eyes were filled with remorse.
"Good things are going to happen to you Susan." Sean stared intensely into her eyes as he spoke those words, he was so sure of himself. It gave her hope. "I'll be watching." He linked hands with her again.
Susan's voice changed, "Do you believe in fate?" She stared at the ceiling. She felt mildly embarrassed, it wasn't a topic she usually contemplated.
"I hope not," Sean chuckled. To believe in it, was to believe there was some purpose in him dying at sixteen. "You think we were destined to meet?" He asked.
"Maybe," Susan said noncommittally, she wasn't thinking specifically about their meeting. "It's funny how one thing changes every other thing after that. And you try to do what you think will make you happy, but it's because you make those choices you end up alone."
Sean interjected, "I'm not following you, start from the start."
Susan began, "My sister had a baby, Susie... and at the time she was pretty messed up. God, when Chloe told me she was pregnant, I told not to have it."
Susan shook her head, and her eyes lit up, "but then I held her in my arms, this little life, and it became so real to me. I had never been in a relationship before where I was even thinking about motherhood." She trailed off and her eyes were no longer focused, as if caught up in a memory.
Susan shook herself from her internal processes, "Chloe bailed on Susie when she was only a few months old. I was angry at her, because like all the other times she expected me to pick up the pieces. But this wasn't something broken, this was a child. I never thought Chloe was going to come back. Susie became my daughter, for the first time in my life I didn't feel alone. I was never going to be alone again, because I would always be her mother."
"Chloe came back." Sean stated rather than asked.
"Yeah," a tear ran down Susan's face. "She came back, she had cleaned herself up, gotten engaged." Susan sat up in the bed pulling the covers up under her chin. "She took Susie to Phoenix. Susie is her daughter and she had every right, but I felt like my child had been taken from me. And the emptiness that followed..." Susan's eye filled with tears.
Sean was silent for a moment before stating, "Your child had been taken from you."
"I never envied Chloe before then." Susan pulled the picture of Susie off the nightstand. "Anyway, I just... couldn't get over my 'empty arms', I started to resent my life here, so I decided to move to Phoenix. But, Chloe didn't like me spending so much time with Susie, she said I was looking over her shoulder waiting for her to make a mistake... which maybe I was, it was just so hard."
Susan let go of a huge sigh. She wasn't crying, the pain was still there under the surface, but it had been so constant for so long, she hadn't really cried about losing Susie since the night Chloe and Joe drove away with her.
"Anyway, because of what happened with Chloe and Susie, I left Chicago and Mark."
"What happened with Mark?"
"Everything and nothing," Came the reply. "Mark and I had been friends since I was a third year med student. I did my ER rotation, while he was in the first year of his residency. I wasn't his student, but he took the time to teach me things, he valued my opinion, he would check in on how I was doing. We were friends, never more. At the time he was married with a young daughter, it was never on the cards. By the time I was a resident he was the person I confided in, not just about work, but about everything, and he confided in me. I mean the things I knew about his marriage..." Susan smiled a knowing smile, and shook her head. "I guess that's why I was so blind to it, because we were so close. I don't know if that makes sense. And if we were fighting, or not talking it was like I was lost, that loneliness. I felt lonely anyway, but when I didn't have Mark either it just felt like I was drowning."
Sean kept looking at Susan's eyes as she spoke, she seemed a lot more animated than any other time he had seen her. Her eyes were incredible, they were green and seemed to sparkle, somewhat like cat's eyes.
Susan continued, "His marriage broke up. I guess they had been unhappy for a long time, but I always felt that he loved her and would continue to try and make it work out. I was the one helping him try to patch things up, you know." Another sigh, "I wasn't thinking about him that way, then. I didn't really understand until later why she hated me so much."
Sean snuggled up closer to Susan's body, which made him feel safe and warm.
"Anyway, he got divorced, and I started to notice him, and I knew he was looking at me differently... but... nothing happened. Then I planned this holiday to Mauwi, and Mark was saying how he needed a vacation, so I told him to come with me."
Sean was pretty surprised at Susan making such a bold move, "What did he say?"
"He was shocked, I thought I had scared him off." Susan shook her head. "But he did want to go with me, but then I told him not to..." Susan let go of a small chuckle, "I'm afraid of flying, but somehow, I thought that when I got on that plane I'd get to Mauwi." Then she deadpanned, "I didn't." Susan snuggled back down closer to Sean so that he could put his arm around her. "I ended up in Phenoix spending the whole week with Susie and Chloe, and I just saw what I was missing out on. That's when I decided to move."
"I didn't think about it at the time, but in hindsight, if I hadn't told Mark not to come, and we had got on that plane, who knows. I think I would have gotten to Mauwi and then maybe I would have wanted to stay in Chicago, to be with him." Susan's tone was honest and sorrowful. "When I left, Mark who had acted like he thought I was making the right choice by leaving, ran to the train station telling me that he loved me and that he wanted me to stay."
"What did you do?" Sean kept stroking Susan's shoulders.
"We kissed, our first and last, I told him that I loved him, but I went anyway." The last words contained so much regret.
"Mark isn't very..." she paused, "wasn't very spontaneous, it must have been such a big thing for him to put his heart on the line like that..." Susan trailed off and never finished that sentence.
"I did meet someone in Phoenix. But it didn't work out. Chloe moved to New York, after making it clear she didn't want me to follow, and there just wasn't anything left for me. Mark and I hadn't kept in touch as much as we should have, the occasional phone call or letter. I knew he had gotten remarried and had a baby. I just needed that friendship back, that connection, I didn't think that could ever break."
"But when you came back, it was gone?"
"No it was still there. He was having problems with his wife and daughter, the one from the first marriage, and he told me I was his anchor, he was so relieved to have me back. We just didn't realise how loudly the clock was ticking. It was only a few months after I came back to Chicago that we found out he was dying."
"That sucks." Sean could understand that better than he needed to clarify.
"Yeah," she sighed, almost laughing at the futility, "I don't know if he was happy or not, or if he regretted the choices he made, I just couldn't help feeling like I missed my chance... of happiness maybe."
Susan's eyes sparkled again as she began to reminisce, "I remember the last time I saw him, he was walking out of the hospital and I was with a patient, he was maybe 20 feet away. Neither of us spoke, we didn't need to, it was all right there in his face. Regret, apology, futility. I knew I was losing something, I could never get back. Like I was breaking." A single tear rolled down her cheek. "His widow, she's a doctor too. Sometimes I wonder about it, if he had gotten on that plane, or if I had gotten off that train, if I would be her. And would I be in more pain or less pain right now?"
Sean wiped the tear from her face, "I may be ripping off Shakespeare right now, but I think it's better to have loved and lost then never loved at all."
"Maybe," Susan exhaled slowly.
Susan glanced at her alarm clock, it was quarter past nine. "We're going to be late, you're Mom is going to be even more pissed at me now."
Susan pushed the douvet aside and walked to the bathroom.
"I'll tell her it was my fault," Sean's response trailed off, as he took in Susan's retreating figure.
Sean listened as he heard the shower water running. He lay back and stared blankly at the ceiling, listening to Susan shower. Well she did say we were running late. He got up from the bed and entered the bathroom. He waited for her to notice him standing outside the shower recess. Susan opened the door and pulled him in. They washed each other. It was oddly comforting, and less erotic than he would have imagined.
"Susan," Sean finally spoke, "I'm really scared." Tears filled his eyes.
Susan held him close in her arms. Tears fell freely from his face, but were washed away with the water. He cried himself into exhaustion until he felt Susan's arms holding him up as he threatened to sink to the floor. She turned off the water and dried herself and him. Sean had stopped crying now and felt exhausted, but oddly calm. Sean went back to the bedroom to find his clothing that was lying crumpled on the carpet. Susan proceeded to blow dry her hair.
On the drive on the way back to Sean's house, he was silent. Susan wasn't worried though. She had seen that change in him. The acceptance. He seemed at peace, more than he had the whole time she had spent with him.
"I'm not going to do the chemo."
Susan just nodded, she already suspected that that was what he was going to say.
"I'll tell my Mom when I get home."
"I'm glad." Susan said. Sean had accepted he was going to die, another round of chemo was never going to change that, it just would have made him feel like dying. He was now ready for what lay ahead. She no longer feared for him.
Sean's mother answered the door, she was worried and annoyed, "The night nurse had to go over an hour ago..."
"I'm sorry Mrs Simmons, it was my fault," Susan apologised feeling like a school girl herself.
"No, it wasn't," admitted Sean, "I wanted another hot dog."
Sean's sister wanted to show him the furniture that have been delivered by the hospice team, so they went upstairs.
Susan tried to explain to Sean's mother, "I'm sorry if I worried you, I was just trying to make it easier for Sean."
"Easier." Mrs Simmons sounded frustrated.
"He wasn't ready to come home yet." Susan said matter-o-factly. Susan knew she was right in what she had done, his mother just didn't understand it yet.
"Well he's home now, goodnight." Mrs Simmons wanted her to leave.
Julia stopped half way on the stairs, saying Sean wanted to speak to his mother, and that he wanted Susan to wait.
While Sean was telling his mother about his decision not to undergo more chemo, which Susan was sure would make his mother happy. Happy probably wasn't the right word, relieved maybe?
"You must be Julia," Susan said to the girl who looked about 12.
"You're Susan," Julia said, eyeing her.
"Yeah I work at the hospital."
"I know," Julia stated, "Sean said you were the only doctor he ever met who was like a friend." Julia began to walk to the kitchen, before looking over her shoulder in afterthought, "He also said you were hot."
Susan couldn't suppress her smile at this.
Mrs Simmons came down the stairs shortly after Julia left. She no longer seemed angry at Susan, just mystified. "What did you say to him?" She questioned.
Susan shook her head, "Nothing really, I just let him decide that he was ready."
Sean's mother nodded her head silently, it didn't really matter how he had gotten there, but he was at peace now.
Mrs Simmons ended the conversation there, "Sean's waiting to speak to you upstairs."
Susan could see that relief, possibly even gratitude in her sad eyes. Susan left Sean's mother to make her way upstairs.
Sean was lying on a bed that the hospice team had delivered earlier that day. "Check this out," he said. He used the remote control to raise the bed head, gesturing his hands as if he were a magician. "Who knew it would be so much fun, huh?" He joked.
He reached out and passed Susan a brown paper bag, "This is for you," was all the explanation he offered.
Susan stared at the bag.
"Open it later," Sean instructed. "Sometimes if I think about what comes next it helps, to figure out what it all means, what it's all about, if it means anything."
Susan half smiled, somewhat glum, "You'll know before any of us."
Sean laughed, "That sucks."
"Yeah," Susan agreed, "it does."
"Susan, I want you to know what you did for me." Sean began, but was interrupted by Susan.
"It was mutual," Susan smiled, covering Sean's hand with her own, and squeezing.
Sean looked so tired. "I want you to know," but Susan cut him off.
"I know Sean, I know." Susan responded.
They didn't need the words, they both felt it.
Susan was driving home when she started to cry. She didn't sob, just tear after tear fell from her face. She finally pulled over and opened the bag Sean gave her. It was full of paper cranes, in all different colours made with shiny paper. Susan drove to the closest bridge and parked. She set out to the middle of the path, and when she was over looking the water she tipped open the bag and let the cranes float down into the water. Some of them actually looked like they were flying. She let him go.