It's too bad the subject matter fits better in the eighties, because this was a good episode. Considering that only the most ignorant, ultra-conservative still believe AIDS is a gay-only disease (check Africa), you can't argue a direct parallel, but that's okay. Now we can laugh at it. Isn't that great, laughing at a horrible, traumatic disease? There's a quote by somebody, "We laugh so we do not cry." So please, don't cry.
On a totally personal, I'm-a-little-too-perfectionist note, I decided to re-tape this episode on the Sunday rerun because the original broadcast cut in from the commercial late, so I missed a valuable 3 seconds of dialogue in Acts 3 and 4. However, they neglected to show the Columbia dedication at the beginning. It bugged me. There. I'm done. Enjoy.
The 15 Year-Late Script
(but at least it's a good one)
Phlox: Your neurolytic enzymes are considerably higher than last month, when there was no semblance of this disease in the show at all.
T'Pol (straightening clothes, getting dressed): Mm, we should do this again sometime.
Phlox: My wife is coming soon.
T'Pol: Oh. Then, later. Is that bad? The enzymes thing, I mean.
Phlox: Yes, I think that's the word for it. Howzabout I talk to your doctors at this big medical conference we're going to?
T'Pol: It's too great a risk.
Phlox: Don't worry, my wife won't care a bit. If I don't get you treatment, you'll die.
T'Pol looks stricken, or at least as stricken as a Vulcan would look.
ACT 1: Annoying Vulcan scenes 1-4
Little cockroach-shaped shuttlepod leeches onto Enterprise.
Archer: Captain's Starlog, Supplemental to the log I've been keeping for a few months now because I forgot the date: We've arrived at Dekendi Mutumbo 3 for a conference of the Interspecies Medical Exchange, which interests one out of 83 people on board. Up till last week, we were way out in the boonies, but we managed to make it back to near-Earth space. All for a neutron microscope. Who cares? I thought neutrons were bigger than electrons, anyway, so what good does it do? Oh, yeah, and more importantly, since no one cares about science, we get to meet one of Phlox's wives.
In a random corridor of the ship:
Archer: How long's it been, Doc?
Phlox: Actually, I just saw Feezal before I came to work this morning, but…that is, 4 years.
Trip: How come you have 3 wives if you never see them?
Phlox: Would you have 3 wives if you saw them all the time?
Door opens. Feezal steps out.
Phlox: Welcome, Beloved. I'd use a Denobulan term like th'yla, but nobody bothered to think one up.
Feezal: Beloved! [they sniff each other. Archer looks disgusted. "Why don't they just kiss?"]
Phlox: These are my human shipmates, Captain Stupid and his sidekick, Commander Goofy. Strange creatures, but they're mostly harmless.
Feezal: Ooh, Goofy's cute. I could use a third husband.
Trip (nervous): Uh, she's not talkin' about me, is she?
Archer (to Phlox): You'll probably want to spend some time together…
Phlox: Nonsense, Captain. Why do you think we live on different planets? Another hour, another day, or even a few more years would be fine. We're very patient.
Archer: Okay. Let's go eat. (everyone but Trip goes in one direction)
Feezal: Won't you be coming with us, Hunky?
Trip (eyes shifting): Naw, I've gotta go…do…some'un.
Planetside, with purdy special FX:
Vulcan #1: It seems odd, doesn't it, that a Denobulan physician would be interested in a Vulcan disease.
Phlox: It does seem odd, doesn't it? I'm looking for ways to get rid of my Vulcan.
Vulcan #1 (relenting): Oh, well, then. Pa'nar Syndrome can only be caught by gay Vulcans. Er, that is, by a substrata of Vulcans that we don't like.
Phlox: That's interesting. Kinda throws that IDIC thing all to hell, don't it?
Vulcan #1: You might think that.
Phlox: So, do you have any information?
Vulcan #1: We'll have to discuss it and get back to you.
Phlox: So it's a 'don't call us, we'll call you' kind of thing?
Vulcan #1: Basically. See you.
Sickbay:
Trip: If the reflectometer is supposed to amplify the neutron stream, shouldn't it be installed before the doohickeyamabob?
Feezal: It's collimating them, not amplifying.
Trip: Is it just me, or did that make no sense at all? Are we making up words here?
Feezal: Maybe. Let me rub up against you and see if you make up any more words…
Trip: Uh…
Feezal: Now, you have to insert the thick end here…
Trip: Um. Are you still talkin' about the neutron microscope?
Feezal: You can pull it out now. The stream should be initiated.
Trip (higher pitch): Stream?
Feezal: The neutron stream.
Trip: Oh. Right. Yeah. Maybe I can do this on my own, now.
Feezal: If you're into that sort of thing.
Captain's mess hall:
[A/N: Do they have an orange grove on Enterprise? They drink OJ with every meal!]
Archer: Have you spoken to Phlox since he got back?
T'Pol (defensive): What? Why? Am I supposed to?
Archer: I just thought you'd talk, seeing as you're great friends and all. There's Vulcans down there. I bet you'd like to see them, cause all Vulcans know each other.
T'Pol: There are over 1 million Vulcan doctors.
Archer: I would think you'd enjoy spending time with your own species.
T'Pol: Yes, we're a big cult.
Hoshi (over com): Hi. This is about all I get to do in this episode. The Vulcans are coming, the Vulcans are coming! They want to see you and Phlox and T'Pol.
Archer: Oh, goody! Guests! (to T'Pol) Do you have any idea what this is about?
T'Pol: Probably my debilitating disease.
Archer: Oh. That's neat. I bet they aren't coming for coffee and donuts.
Scene changes to Vulcans in…a room.
Archer: Can I get you anything? Coffee? Donuts?
Vulcan #1: Orange juice would be fine.
Archer: Sorry. We're all out.
Vulcan #1: You may leave. It's the other two we want.
Archer (looks sad): Okay. I'll just look sad. And wait outside. And hold a cup to the door so I can eavesdrop. (leaves)
T'Pol: It's all right. There are only enough chairs for two of us, anyway.
Vulcan #1: We've considered your request. No.
Phlox: You came all the way up here for that?
Vulcan #2: Yes. That, and to surreptitiously get T'Pol's DNA so we can persecute her.
Phlox: Oh, if that's all…
Vulcan #1: A quiz. What's Pa'nar Syndrome.
T'Pol (to herself): Shoot. The jig is up. (to Vulcans) Why do you need me to tell you? You're doctors.
Vulcan #1: Indulge us.
T'Pol: Indulge? That doesn't sound very Vulcan.
Vulcan #1: Well, truth of it is, we're not very good at doctoring.
T'Pol: Oh. Okay. It affects the immune system. You might call it an immune deficiency syndrome. That's what "Pa'nar" means in Vulcan.
Vulcan #2: How is it transmitted?
T'Pol: Mind melds. (cue music: dun dun DAAA)
Vulcan #2: Oh, mind melds, eh? Do you like to mind meld?
T'Pol: I'm getting sick of the questions.
Vulcan #1: Dr. Phlox
asked for information about Pa'nar.
That wouldn't be because…you HAVE it, would it?
T'Pol: That would be the logical
deduction.
Phlox: I already made that clear.
Vulcan #2 (hands T'Pol a padd): Here, put your hand on this.
T'Pol: Okay.
Vulcan #2: And then put a toenail clipping into the convenient receptacle.
T'Pol: Sounds reasonable.
Vulcan #2: Do you condone the mind melders' behavior?
T'Pol: What's that
have to do with anything?
Vulcan #1: We don't like them because
we are uptight conservative Vulcans. We
would have voted for Pat Buchanan in the 2000 American presidential election,
had we been alive then…and U.S. citizens.
[A/N: Okay, sorry Buchanan
fans. Probably more Pat Robertson, but
hey, I'm trying]
Phlox: So…you're saying you have no information?
Vulcan #1: Basically, yes. If you'll please show us to the airlock.
T'Pol: Happily. And then I'll shove you out.
Vulcan sickbay, somewhere:
Vulcan #6: Is that it?
Vulcan #5: Yes. You can tell from the honeycomb-shaped nucleotides. She's Pa'nar-Positive. (gasp!)
ACT 2: Will she get the treatment she needs to…survive?
Back in Sickbay:
Feezal: Now, we can do all this technical stuff until we can clearly see a single nucleotide.
Trip: A nucleotide? What's a nucleotide?
Feezal: Yes, and those are carbon atoms.
Trip: Wait a minute. Why am I learning how to use this, anyway? I'm not a doctor. Meanwhile, Phlox is over there sitting of his ass reminiscing about husbands and wives.
Feezal: Yeah. Wanna do it later? (puts hand on shoulder)
Phlox: …Forlisa I thought about asking her to be my wife. Turned out she already had three husbands.
Trip (laughs uncomfortably): Yeah, that's the way it goes sometimes.
Archer (over com): Dr. Phlox, could you report to my Ready Room? I'll be here…ready for you.
Phlox: I'll be back soon, Beloved, Commander.
Feezal: What about
me?
Phlox: You, too, Feezal.
Ready Room:
Phlox: Captain?
Archer: I wanted to see both of you. It's been a while since I've been embarrassed by a Vulcan dignitary.
T'Pol: Not that long.
Archer: I've just spoken to Dr. Oratt—odd name for a Vulcan—and he said you requested information on a Vulcan illness. Does T'Pol have it?
Phlox (feigning offense): What? Now, why would you think a silly thing like that?
Archer: When were you going to tell me you'd contracted a serious illness?
T'Pol: Probably after I'd died, Captain.
Archer: They found out. They handed you something. An orangutan, I think. You left a fingerprint. (to Phlox) How long have you known about this?
Phlox: Up to now? About five seconds.
Archer: I mean, the disease.
Phlox (cheerful): Oh! That! Ever since that mind meld episode.
Archer: And you never thought to come to me about it?
Phlox: Mm, no. I figured you weren't responsible.
T'Pol: The disease is not contagious.
Phlox: Well, technically, that's not true. Otherwise, how would you have gotten it?
Archer: What's the big secret here, anyway?
T'Pol: If the Vulcan High Command were to learn I had Pa'nar, I would likely lose my commission.
Archer: Your commission?
T'Pol: Yes, about 7% per episode.
Archer: Well, I'm going to take personal offense over this. Even though you're dying.
T'Pol: The Vulcans from "Fusion" participate in an intimate form of telepathy.
Archer: Intimate? You were intimate with someone other than me?
T'Pol: Not by choice. (reconsiders) Well, at first I think I was. But then I wasn't. (looks off-stage) Anyone got a tape of that?
Archer: Well, you have to tell the Vulcan High Command.
T'Pol: I will not tell them.
Archer: Why not?
T'Pol: I have my reasons. Well, one, anyway. I'll tell you later, when the dramatic tension is at its fullest.
Archer: How serious is it?
Phlox: It's funny, you don't seem as worried about T'Pol as your dog a few months ago.
Archer: Oh, yeah. True. Hey, that reminds me, you can't go back to the planet, now, Phlox.
T'Pol: What about me, the one with the repulsive disease?
Archer: You? Oh, no one cares about you. (turns and poses dramatically) My number one priority is to my first officer—that's why she's Number One—and if these doctors have info that can help her, I plan to get it. Even if I have to whoop some Vulcan ass!
Vulcan-central, planetside:
Vulcan #2: Did we keep you waiting?
Archer: Yes. My whooping mode has been toned down. You know, for an emotionless species, you certainly take pleasure in antagonizing other people. Phlox and T'Pol explained the situation to me.
Vulcan #2 (affects sickeningly sympathetic tone): Aw, it's too bad T'Pol is going to die.
Archer: I'm having a little difficulty understanding—and don't worry, that's my natural state—why you won't share your information.
Vulcan #2: As previously explained by someone, Pa'nar Syndrome is unique to an undesirable part of our population. Thankfully, there are few of them.
Archer: Just wait until Spock's time. So, what, you have a caste system?
Vulcan #2: Sort of, yes. We don't condone the intimate acts these people engage in. Our Vulcan Bible prohibits it. We think. It's a bit unclear.
Archer: Intimate? You mean mind melds?
Vulcan #2: What, are you a few pages behind in the script? We take great pride in our ability to contain emotions. Sharing them is offensive.
Archer: Wait. Isn't pride an emotion. Offense, too, for that matter.
Vulcan #2 (thinks): We have work to do. See you. (leaves)
T'Pol's Quarters:
Hoshi (over com): There's a message for you. What's up with this? Don't I get any on-air time here?
T'Pol: I'll take the message here, since the camera's already on.
Ready Room:
Archer: Oh, hi. I was just about to call you. Now we won't waste valuable screen time with those voiceover-com things. Sit down. Anywhere's fine, but you might choose the chair. I'm sorry, I didn't have much luck down there. Did you know Vulcans have the strength of three or four humans?
T'Pol: It's okay. Don't cry about it. Crybaby. I just received a message from the Dr. Yuris.
Archer: Yuris? Why didn't they introduce themselves at the beginning of the episode, instead of naming them all in the middle?
T'Pol: He was the quiet one. He's going to help me. Or else kill me. I'm not sure which.
Planet, a mysterious "northern" part of the "city":
T'Pol: I'll come in uniform, so if anyone sees me, they'll know exactly who I am.
Pole: Sub-Commander. (T'Pol looks at pole) It's me. Behind the pole.
T'Pol: Oh, hi.
Vulcan #3: Here's some goods for you, man. Keep it on the D.L.
T'Pol: How much do I owe you? I mean, why are you doing this for me?
Vulcan #3: Because…I'm a mind melder.
T'Pol: Gasp! You?!
Vulcan #3: Yes, me.
T'Pol: Couldn't be!
Vulcan #3: Then…who?
ACT 3: Trip is sexually harassed. (And more o' that T'Pol business)
The planet, three seconds later:
T'Pol: Okay, I believe you.
Vulcan #3: Good. The Vulcans don't like people who would choose to interact with people…like me.
T'Pol: Actually, I didn't have a choice. The captain always stops for hitchhikers, pirates, whoever. He just likes the company.
Vulcan #3: You mean, you were…raped?
T'Pol: Sort of.
Vulcan #3: You'll have to tell them!
T'Pol: It's kind of embarrassing.
Vulcan #3: Isn't that an emotion?
T'Pol: Maybe. We'll all very emotive for Vulcans, anyway, aren't we? Well, thanks for this stuff. Bye. (Vulcan #3 leaves) Shoot. I should have told him not to tell anyone.
Mess hall:
Hoshi: Wow! I finally got on screen! It's only halfway through the episode!
Trip: You should hear Travis. He doesn't even get to be on until after next commercial.
Hoshi: I'm gonna need my own episode again soon.
Trip: Maybe you and Travis can hook up. Kill two birds with one stone.
Hoshi (thinks): Hmm. Oh, well, my time's up. See you next week.
Trip (seeing Feezal): Wait! Maybe I can pull some strings, get you on longer.
Hoshi (tries not to be too hopeful): Really?
Trip: Sure!
Feezal: Hi, can I join you? On Denobula, eating is very sensual. Have you ever eaten with Phlox?
Trip: Uh…
Feezal: I'm Feezal Phlox.
Hoshi (in Denobulan): Hey, how come you get more air time than me? And why is your name "Phlox" when you have two other husbands?
Feezal (in Denobulan): Good question. Both, I guess. I guess because I'm married to one of the stars.
Hoshi (in Denobulan): I am one of the stars!
Trip: Hey, are you guys talkin' about me?
Feezal: We were discussing your sex appeal. She likes your chest hair best.
Hoshi (alarmed): I did not, sir, my choice was your eyes. [A/N: Interesting reaction here, eh? The real one, I mean.]
Trip (oblivious): Whatever. Just don't leave me alone with her.
Hoshi: Sorry. Now I'm way over my limit. I probably won't even be in next week's episode. (leaves)
Feezal: Now we're all alone in this crowded mess hall. Get nekkid.
Trip: Uh…aren't you married? To Phlox?
Feezal: Yes, but it's one of those convenience marriages. What difference does it make?
Trip: Well, it's just that…I've been getting plenty of action lately. Why'n you try Malcolm? He could use a chick.
Feezal: Phlox told me your were the cute one.
Trip (impressed, but also wary): He did? Well, I better go. I need to…exercise.
Exercise room:
Reed: Is it just me, or are the stars showing up less and less frequently.
Trip: What are you complaining about, you got to star in the first six or so episodes. But yeah, Hoshi said so, too.
Reed: And don't even mention this show thing to Travis…
Trip: Yeah. I've got this chick problem.
Reed: Again?! I wish I had a chick problem. We've only got two and I don't seem to have much chance with either right now.
Trip: Maybe I should tell Phlox.
Reed: That I can't get any? I'm not that desperate! He'd probably hook me up with a Centaurian weasel-monkey or something.
Trip: I meant about his wife hittin' on me.
Reed: Oh, that. Well, you don't want to get Phlox angry. I did once. That's how I nearly lost my leg.
Trip: I thought that was the mine thing.
Reed (thinks): Oh, that's right. Never mind. Or maybe…that's the story they tell you.
Sickbay:
Phlox: Well, this is worthless. However, by the end of the episode, I should work up a cure for you. Then this whole disease business will be in your distant past. Unless it becomes convenient to bring it up again as a plot point. And the moral of our story will be: "All we need is a benevolent alien to cure our worst ailments."
Archer (entering on the tail-end): How useful is it?
Phlox: Very.
T'Pol: Actually, you just said it wasn't.
Phlox: Never mind.
Archer: Do you know why Dr. Yuris helped you?
T'Pol: Must be some Good Samaritan kick.
Archer: They're recalling you.
T'Pol: What am I, a defective waffle iron?
Archer: This is, what? About the sixth time you've been threatened to get pulled off the ship. And I won't let it happen. You have to tell them how you got it! The disease, I mean! [he proceeds to say this several times in slightly different ways]
Phlox: Yes, I agree. Well, I'm still standing here, I may as well say something.
T'Pol: It has come to the part of the episode where I can tell you my motivation. Even tension has built up so that I may tell you why I won't tell.
Phlox: Why?
Archer: Why?!
T'Pol: Because I don't want to condone this prejudice. I am a liberal Vulcan.
Archer: Wow. Is 'condone' the word of the day, or what?
Planetside, Vulcanland:
Archer: Where's Oratt?
Vulcan #1 (aka Oratt): Right here.
Archer: You can't take my science officer!
Vulcan #1: Ha! Yes, I can! Nyah!
Archer: You're going to ruin her career because of one mind meld? Or is it because she contracted the disease? That's why you're hesitant to find a cure, isn't it?
Vulcan #1: Because she contracted the disease?
Archer: Because you don't like these people.
Vulcan #1: I'm sorry you don't understand our prejudices. It's not just humans we despise, you see. It's…well, just about anyone.
Archer: Wait. Looky this. I have these Vulcan regulations which you may or may not be familiar with, since it pertains directly to you. You can't take T'Pol without a hearing.
Vulcan #1: We can't? Oh, shoot. No. It's not open for debate.
Archer: Where I come from, everything's open for debate. Including which way the toilet paper should hand over the roll. That's just the way humans are.
Vulcan #1: Fine. The hearing will take place tomorrow afternoon.
Archer (as if trying to be dominant, have the last word; loudly): Tomorrow afternoon, then. Fine.
ACT 4: The thrilling conclusion. Is Travis accident-prone, or what?
Sickbay:
Travis: I'm finally on! Plus, I get to show off my chiseled abs.
Phlox: Did you use an actual chisel for these?
Travis: It's very boring on freighters.
Trip: Hi. Can I talk? In private?
Travis: Oh. I can see when I'm not wanted. (checks watch) Shoot, Hoshi and Mal beat me. When do I get my own episode? (leaves)
Trip: Sorry. Malcolm said this was a bad idea, but it's the right thing to do.
Phlox: You're not asking for my hand in marriage, are you?
Trip: What? No. But you're close. It's about your wife. She's been feelin' me up.
Phlox: Really? That's great. She's a fox in the bedroom.
Trip (shocked): What?!
Phlox: Why would we be polygamous if we had problems with petty jealousy? You're too caught up in human…morality! Or at least Western civilization-morality.
Trip: But she's your wife!
Phlox: Whatever. All the better for me!
T'Pol's Quarters:
T'Pol: Come in. Oh. You. Hoping for a last fling?
Archer (guiltily): What?
T'Pol: Lt. Reed told me you went to the surface. I was hoping you wouldn't return.
Archer: I spoke to Dr. Oratt. Technically, I yelled at him, actually.
T'Pol: I assume you failed.
Archer: Actually, I didn't.
T'Pol (bewildered):
How did that happen?
Archer: Well, it's just a plot
point. Won't happen again. Promise.
You have a hearing tomorrow.
T'Pol: I won't tell them how I got it. Too bad I forgot to mention that to Yuris.
Archer: And I won't give you up without a fight. Remember the last time you were going to be taken away? It's one of those fall-back storylines, I guess. You're going back to Vulcan, Trip's in his undies, Malcolm wants to sacrifice himself. Hey, how would that go, all mixed together?
T'Pol: It would be…fascinating.
Archer: Good. I'll see you tomorrow.
Tomorrow:
Vulcan #2: We're not recalling her because she has Pa'nar Syndrome. Just because she's…weird.
Archer: So, what you're saying is, Vulcans who do this mind meld thing are condemned?
Vulcan #1: I believe we made that quite clear. No need to drive the point into the ground.
Archer: "You humans are too volatile, too irrational, too narrow-minded." That's what I heard from every Vulcan I met. And "you're too stupid." But we don't hold a candle to you when it comes to narrow-minded. Heck, we got rid of bigotry nearly a century ago!
T'Pol: Except against Vulcans.
Archer: Yeah, well, details, details. You're not helping your case any.
T'Pol: That's right. Sorry.
Archer: If you want to be enlightened, you have to accept differences.
Vulcan #1: I think it's clear that we are superior to you puny humans. We do not need to listen to you.
Vulcan #2: That's why you're being recalled. Because you're icky.
T'Pol: No, it isn't.
Vulcan #2: Yes, it is.
T'Pol: No, it isn't.
Vulcan #2: Yes, it is.
[Vulcan argument in progress…]
Vulcan #3 (aka Yuris, I guess): She knows exactly what she's talking about.
Vulcan #2 (whining): Oh, you're taking her side?
Vulcan #1: Are you questioning our judgment?
Vulcan #3: Yes. Because I am a mind melder.
(Vulcan) gasps!
Vulcan #1: You?
Vulcan #3: People shouldn't be punished for sharing thoughts differently.
Vulcan #1: Yes, they should! And I'll leave now to be sure you are!
Vulcan #3: She's not guilty. She was violated.
T'Pol (betrayed): You gave your word.
Vulcan #3: Actually, I didn't.
Vulcan #1: Is this true?
T'Pol: I have nothing to say to these sons of bitches.
Archer: Hee, hee, we get to be morally superior to the Vulcans for a week!
Sickbay:
Phlox: Feezal said it's a bit temperamental, even though it's brand new equipment.
Trip: I think I'll figure it out. In a pinch. When will it become a major plot point?
Phlox: Give it a half a season.
Feezal: Hi, Beloved. Phloxy.
Phlox: Commander Tucker assures me he'll keep your microscope in perfect running order.
Feezal: I hope you'll keep him in perfect running order, every piston pumping…
Trip: I should go play with my warp engine. Plasma's running a bit hot.
Feezal: Did you intend for that to sound dirty?
Trip: Just goin' with the flow here… Shoot! (leaves)
Phlox: You can try the British one next time.
Ready Room:
Archer: Yuris has been suspended.
T'Pol: Big surprise.
Archer: One good thing came out of this.
T'Pol: Phlox got new medical data so I won't die?
Archer: No. They won't take you away from me.
T'Pol: Oh. It's all about you, that's right. With your permission, I'll fight for Yuris.
Archer: Denied. I don't want you getting involved with other guys.
T'Pol: It's completely professional. Besides…he's a "mind melder."
Archer: Oh, that's right. Sure. No problem, then. I know you must be disappointed he broke his promise to you.
T'Pol: Come to think of it, he didn't promise me anything. It was you that promised.
Archer: I didn't tell! On a selfish note, I'm glad he did.
T'Pol: Humans haven't eliminated selfishness, of course.
Archer: Should we kiss now?
T'Pol: Maybe this will encourage others to speak out against other woes. Polygamists, for example.
Archer: For Trip's sake, let's hope so.
Finis.
Was this about AIDS? Huh? I didn't know that! Coulda fooled me!
Next episode: "Cease Fire" A Timely Enterprise Event!! Ooh, it's timely. Unlike this episode.