Set in the immediate aftermath of 9x24
Ziva stood leant against the railings, looking out over the water lost in thought. It seemed so calm in comparison to the scene behind her, the shocking visage of the NCIS building bearing the scars of the day's earlier attack.
Tony watched her silently, contemplating whether or not to disturb her. He was worried, it took a lot to get to Ziva but he knew that the day had taken its toll on her. There are only so many near death experiences someone can go through before it starts to have an effect, surely?
He decided he needed to disturb her, make sure she was ok, having hardly seen her since they were rescued from the elevator what seemed like hours ago.
"Penny for em…" he said, making sure Ziva had heard him approach, he didn't want to startle her.
"You would need more than a penny for my current thoughts Tony", she replied, continuing to look over the water, not allowing herself to meet his gaze.
"You can talk to me you know Ziva", he said softly.
"I know". She knew she could talk to him, he was a good listener, the Ray saga had demonstrated that to her but yet she still could not look at him, her mind was frazzled from all the thoughts the day had unleashed in her.
"Come on then, spill", Tony persisted, "they say a problem shared is a problem halved". He was slightly hurt that she couldn't even look at him, their whole relationship was based on lingering looks and unspoken acknowledgements, had he done something wrong? Was she blaming him for getting trapped in the elevator?
Ziva opened her mouth as if to say something, but promptly closed it again, Tony could see that she was thinking carefully about the next thing to say, her brow was furrowed with anxiety and he could very nearly hear the cogs whirring in her head trying to construct the appropriate sentence.
Finally she turned to face him, cocking her head to the side slightly, studying his face for a second as he flashed a smile at her. "If we had died today would you have had any regrets", she asked after much consideration.
"I would have regretted taking the elevator", he replied too quickly, engaging his mouth before his brain and instantly regretting it as he saw a flash of hurt in Ziva's eyes. He mentally Gibbs slapped himself for making light of what obviously was a serious question as Ziva turned on her heel to walk away.
"It does not matter if you cannot take things seriously for once in your life1" she stated angrily as she started to walk away. Why did she have to believe that she could have an adult conversation with him, he was after all the class clown 99% of the time.
"Ziva wait…." Tony quickly walked after her, catching her arm and spinning her round to face him, feeling his heart ache as he noticed her eyes watering. "I'm sorry, I am taking you seriously I promise".
She nodded at his apology, then noticing that he had slid his hand down her arm and was now gently holding her hand, silently reassuring her that he wasn't going to mess this conversation up any more.
"There would have been some things I would have regretted Ziva yes, especially as I haven't followed my own DiNozzo rules regarding regrets".
"And what would those be?" she asked, wondering what rules Tony DiNozzo could possibly have about regrets.
"Welllllllll I usually believe that it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do, and that the only things you live to regret are the risks you didn't take" he said, gently squeezing her hand that was still delicately laid in his.
Ziva looked into Tony's eyes, trying to figure out if that deeply prophetic statement was as genuine as it sounded, almost a little surprised when she detected nothing but sincerity. But he said that he had broken this rule, what risk had he not taken that he was regretting now?
"Why do you ask Ziva, if we had died today would there have been something you would have regretted doing…or not doing?" Tony asked, wondering what was prompting this conversational direction.
Ziva sighed and broke his gaze, Tony could feel her heart pounding through her hand, and he was starting to worry more.
"Tony I am so confused, I have so many things going round in my head I am not sure what to make of it all at the moment." She took a deep breath and met his gaze once again, "I knew before but today has made it so much clearer to me that life is far too short to waste it on regrets."
"Ziva please tell me what's wrong?" Tony asked, unable to mask the concern in his voice as his took her other hand in his.
Ziva knew that if she told Tony the truth there was no going back, this would either be the day that her life would change forever, in more than one way, or she would end the conversation now and resign herself to never broach it again, it was all or nothing.
She dropped Tony's hands from hers, looking away from him yet again trying to think, knowing that the second she looked into his eyes there would only be one way that the conversation could go. A voice in her head told her 'you have to take the risk' so she steeled herself and turned back round to face him.
"I have feelings Tony", she started, "feelings that I am not supposed to have, feelings that I have tried to deny for so long but are getting stronger with each passing day, feelings that I am unsure how to deal with".
Tony raised his eyebrows, he was hoping so badly that she was referring to her feelings for him, but she couldn't, could she? Why would she have feelings for him? He opened his mouth to say something but she pressed a finger to his lips, silently asking him not to interrupt.
Satisfied he would not speak Ziva dropped her finger and continued, looking into his eyes. "I care about you Tony, a lot more than I'm supposed to, a lot more than partners should care about each other."
Tony's jaw almost hit the floor, he was shocked but inside his heart was doing cartwheels, and he couldn't believe that the beautiful woman in front of him could actually be telling him what he had longed to hear for so long. He hoped that he wasn't suffering hallucinations from his bang to the head in the elevator.
Ziva took Tony's hand in hers and placed it on her chest; he could feel her heart pounding against her ribcage. "This is the effect you have on me," she whispered, "and that's what scares me the most, I cannot control it any more".
Tony took Ziva's hand and placed it on his chest. "Snap", he said as she felt his heart pounding at the same rate as hers. "I care about you too Ziva, a lot, lot more than partners are supposed to, and I have for a long time. But I never ever believed that you would feel the same, I mean why would you, you are beautiful and smart and funny and incredibly loyal and you could have anyone in the world you wanted, why would you want me?"
They just stared at each other for what seemed an eternity, feeling each others heartbeats under their palms, until Tony saw a look of panic flash across Ziva's face and she whipped her hand away and started pacing in front of him.
"But none of this means anything Tony, we can never act on these feelings without there being serious consequences, and not just for the two of us," she continued pacing, not daring to meet Tony's eyes.
"Wha", Tony started to say before Ziva cut him off. "If we acted on our feelings we would become compromised, the integrity of our team would be broken and we could put Gibbs and McGee in danger…"
She was shocked out of her train of thought as Tony grabbed her by the tops of her arms to stop her pacing. "I'm already compromised Ziva, I've already done things that go far beyond us just being partners, why do you think I ended up in Somalia cos it sure as hell wasn't for a holiday!"
"I know," she said quietly as Tony relaxed his grip on her, "but Gibbs would never approve, rule number 12 is 'never date a co-worker' is it not? We would be split up and…."
Tony couldn't take it any more, he didn't care if what he was about to do made her subdue him ninja style, now he had had confirmation that the woman he had adored for what seemed like forever actually returned his feelings, he was going to do something about it! It was something he had wanted to do for so long and he knew it would stop her talking; he placed his hands either side of her face and brought his lips crushing down on hers.
Ziva couldn't believe what was happening, she grabbed his wrists in an effort to stop him, but she couldn't, she found herself giving in. Any resolve she may have had left melted away as with that one kiss he conveyed all his feelings and emotions, she never imagined he could be so tender and dare she say it, loving? She could feel every unspoken word and reassuring touch, there had never been a need for them to communicate in words, as his kiss was demonstrating. She could feel everything bubbling up inside her and knew in that moment that they could never go back.
Tony had prepared himself for a swift kick or punch somewhere to his person but it never came, he felt Ziva relax her grip on his wrists and start to return the kiss. He felt butterflies in his stomach, they had kissed whilst under cover so long ago but it wasn't real, there had been no depth of feeling and emotion as there was now, or so much at stake. He never imagined that kissing her could be that amazing.
As much as they both wished the kiss could last forever, they broke apart with one last flutter of lips on lips, Tony resting his forehead on Ziva's as she released his wrists and moved her hands to cover his on her face. If she wasn't confused before she certainly was now, not about the kiss, that pretty much dissolved any nagging doubt she may have had about Tony reciprocating her feelings, but all her other doubts about her future were still there.
"So what happens now", Tony whispered softly, and then he noticed a stray tear escape down Ziva's cheek, which he wiped away gently with his thumb.
"I….I don't know Tony", she replied, her voice barely audible. "I can't…I need to think….I'm sorry Tony I just….." she stuttered as she removed Tony's hands from her face moving them down between them, intertwining her fingers with his.
She gave him one last lingering look before she let go of his hands. "I'm sorry," she whispered, walking away as quickly as she could, leaving Tony almost heartbroken starring after her, hoping she would turn back but she didn't, she just disappeared into the night.