This may be a one parter, maybe a multi chapter piece, I am not so sure yet. This story is placed during watershed, this whole proposal thing hasn´t happened yet and in my world should not have happened altogether. Don´t get me wrong, I am rooting for those two, but in my world, things would have gone differently.

Disclaimer: I don´t own ´em. I just borrow them and play with them. Once I am done with them, you´ll get them back. (or the pieces left of them...)

Kate´s POV

Despair. Disbelief. Disappointment.

His eyes lacked of everything I´ve become so fond of over the years. Whenever life played its game with me, whenever the fear of drowning became too much to bear, whenever the thought of giving up was presenting itself, all it took was one look from him. His eyes would tell me that everything´s alright, that I would actually get out of this more alive and more ambitious than before. And now...

It hurt to even look at him. The way he grabbed his coat, mumbling something about needing to get out of here, made my heart sink. Seriously, I could feel my heartbeat in my knees. The door closed and I welcomed the silence I was left with.

I went over to the fridge and was immediately relieved to find the half empty bottle of Chardonnay. The one I had planned to drink tonight. With him. I didn´t bother with a glass, but I started swallowing the pure liquid directly out of the bottle. My organs started to get back to their destined places and the knot in my stomach slowly vanished.

What was I thinking? That he wouldn´t find out about me going behind his back? That he´d be okay with it? That he´d understand that I had to do it? "Fuck" I screamed out loud, covering my eyes with my left hand, the right one still holding tightly on to the bottle. Were we over? Would he get over this? Would I get over this? And most importantly why did I do this? Part of me knew. I knew I had to. I had to challenge myself, see if I could be more, if I was up to the task. I betrayed him for completely selfish reasons. The worst part is: I could have included him, no I should have included him. He would be proud of me if he had been part of this. We would have drunk the wine together, laughing about how scared I was during that interview. He would have told me that it was their loss if they didn´t want me. We would have worked it out if they did. Now, it was too late.

I felt a headache coming; rubbing my temples I walked over to the couch and sat down. I kicked of my shoes and buried my feet under my thighs. The headache just wouldn´t go away.

I must have drifted off, because it was dark when I opened my eyes. My phone was on vibrate and danced around the table, buzzing. I took in a deep breath and answered the phone without cheking who it was.

"Beckett", my voice was flat. I swallowed. I heard him greet me.

"Hey."his voice didn´t give a damn away. I heard him taking a sip of his drink.

"Castle, I´m..." he interrupted me by laughing ironically.

"Save it, Kate. No need to explain. You´re not ready." Silence. Another sip on his end. Damnit, where did I put that bottle?

" I am ready though." he continued. Another sip.

"But I am not ready getting hurt every time I feel like we´ve finally reached common ground." His voice cracked.

"I´ve been sitting at my desk and I kept thinking. Why? Why is that you´re not ready? We have been dancing around each other for 5 years. We faced death more times I can count, but we always made it out alive. Sometimes even better than before. I can´t do this anymore, Kate." I swallowed hard and felt the tears burning in my eyes.

"Castle?" more a question than a way to interrupt his rant.

"Kate, please let me finish. I can´t do this anymore, I need to put myself first just once. I think we should take a break. From us." I screwed up. My lungs ached, my heart was trying to escape my chest, my vocal chords failed me. I closed my eyes and sank back on the couch, crying heavily. I didn´t care that he must be waiting for an answer on the other line. I just didn´t care anymore.

So, what do you think? Review please. I decided that this is gonna be a multi chaptered fic. I have so much to tell ;-)