Guilty Chapter 1, a sailor moon fanfic

DISCLAIMER: i do not own Sailor moon, or any of the characters.

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Guilt. i knew that feeling well, because i felt it constantly.

I felt guilty because i lied to them.

I felt guilty because they thought i had a perfect life.

I felt guilty for all the times i ran out on them and i pretended i didn't care.

but mainly, i felt guilty because i was alive, and he was not.

Guilt was the only emotion i could feel, it over-whelmed the sadness and hatred. He was like my brother, and it was my fault he was dead.

I should have died that night, not him. The guilt was the reason i have stayed alive this long, i couldn't even think of dying, he died to save me and to let me live, if i killed myself, he would have died for nothing.

But the truth was, all i wanted to do was to see him smile again, to hear him laugh, for him to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything was going to be ok, even when i knew it wasn't.

He died 10 years ago today, my back is leaning against his tomb stone. I cry, i always do on this very day, my friends do not know where i am, they don't know what day it is, they barely even know me. They know the fake me, the me who's father didn't put in a coma, the me who's mother did not killed her self, the me who doesn't have a care in the world. I am a complete and utter fake. So i sit here, crying over him, with the rain pouring over my skin, the rain suits my mood, i feel like the sky is crying for him. Today is the only day that i don't feel guilty, i am only sad. He wanted me to live, but none of my friends even remember him, they met him briefly, i had known him since birth. He was there when i woke up from my coma's, when my mother tried to run over me, he was by my side when i no longer felt the will to live, when the pain became unbearable. He was the only person who knew me, he knew all my secretes, every single one of my dreams and fears, and i knew all of his.

I turn to face his tomb stone, i read the words out loud

'here rest's a gentle and loving man

he will be remembered in our heart forever

Andrew Jonathon Furuhata

may he rest in peace'

He would have hated that tombstone, which is why i preferred not to look at it. Yes he was gentle and loving, but other then that it said nothing about who he really was. If it had been up to me the tombstone would have been in the shape of a turtle, his secrete obsession.

Alot of people had visited him during the day, i hid behind the cherry blossom tree near his grave, i did not want them to know i was here. His parents hated me, they said i took him away from them, that it was my fault he was dead. They were right, even if they don't know how or why he died. I wonder if any one would ever visit my grave, my friends might. I know what i want my tomb stone to say, i have since i turned 7.

'Here lies Serena Tsukino

a fake

may you all burn in hell' with a love heart carved next to it.

I stood up slowly and walked out of the cemetery, i had a plan. I would stop crying the minuet i walked out of the iron gates, then i would get some ice-cream and catch up with my 'friends'. But that all went to hell when a stranger walked past me. He was not really a stranger, but i had not seen him since i was 14, my birthday and the day of Andrew funeral. I dont know if he saw me, but to be honest i didn't care. He had made my life more painful then it already was, he teased me about my every flaw. I hated him 10 years ago, and i hate him now. But it looked like he had changed since, he was only 16 then, the same age of Andrew. He was Andrew's friend not mine.

He looked sad. I did not want to see him ever again, sometimes i could still hear is words, i could feel them cut through me like a knife. I dont now if he knew it hurt me, Andrew was never around when he did it. I think it was all a joke to him. He made fun of my 'perfect life', sometimes i just wanted to tell him why my life wasn't perfect just to shut him up. But i never did, i restrained myself, and managed to yell insults back at him before i ran away, and straight into Andrew's comforting arms. I never did tell Andrew about the things he said, i dont know if i thought Andrew wouldn't believe me, because i knew he would, but a part of me still doubted that.

He looked up at me, i ignored him, his mouth dropped slightly but i kept walking. I had changed since then to, my eyes no longer sparkled, they hadn't since he died. They looked dead, inside i was dead, but i maintained my facade to my friends and they believed it hook, line and sinker. My hair was still golden blonde, and i still wore it in the same style as i did when i was a kid. My body has matured just like my mind. I am dead inside. But i will continue to pretend im alive so Andrew died for a reason. I missed the old me, i missed him. My childhood was hell, but only my family and Andrew knew that. My laugh used to be real, much like me smile. I used to skip and twirl like a normal 14 year old. I was lively and fun. But now i am nothing more that an empty shell. Andrew died with my heart in his hands, he did not take it, he did not want it, but i gave it to him anyway. My heart would always be with him, even if it still beats inside me.

I laughed slightly, my tears had stopped flowing, my clothes were completly wet. Their was no doubt my friends would yell at me for being late.

I arrived outside the temple, our normal meeting place. Today was different then most days, but i was going to pretend it wasn't. They were waiting for me inside, i took two steps inside then regretted it. My fake smile rested on my lips, they never bothered to look deep into my eyes, they were supposed to be my friends, but they did not see past my smile. If they cared about me and knew me so well why couldn't they see i was hurting inside?. She was the first to yell at me. I was used to it, she said i was worthless and did not care about them, otherwise i would not be dripping wet and almost an hour late. I did not mean to be late, i left the cemetery at the right time, but he had startled me. But their was no way i could tell them that. She was in love with him, my friend in love with my enemy. It sounds like somethingout of a book. but it was true, she had gone on dates with him a long time ago, but i knew he did not care about her. This annoyed me, why would some one pretend to be interested when they weren't? but i guess i only felt that way because deep down i knew i did the same thing. I pretended i cared about their small problems, like what to wear on a date and what make up to buy. I cared about them, however their problems were another story. I was sick of pretending. They used to know me, but only certain parts, i kept sections of my personality locked up, Andrew just happened to be the only one with the key.

"Stop" i said, but she did not "stop" i repeated. I heard the others trying to calm her down. At this moment i did not care why she was angry or the reason we had to meet here. I stoped caring about that years ago.

I loved them. But they only loved the fake me. If they knew who i really was they would not talk to me. I scare myself sometimes, the thoughts that enter my mind are not ones i want to be thinking. They are dark and evil. The angel that once resided next to me had left the day he died, the small devil that used to be quite now spoke to me in a tone i understood.

The voice told me to leave, and that exactly what i did, i told them all to burn in hell, and left with my head held high. My life was finally changing. The devil on my shoulder had a voice inside my head, it had been speaking to me at his funeral and had never stopped. I knew it wouldn't leave me, i would not let it. It told me to call it 'Rena', and that's exactly what i did. she sounded alot like me but her voice was dark and gloomy. I loved to hear her speak, her words were what i wanted to here. But i missed the angle 'Serenity' was her name, her voice was innocent and light, when she spoke it was like music to my ears 'one day your prince will rescue us' she used to say, but then she left me all alone. Rena never left me, but she always hated Serenity, Rena wanted her dead, and it was what she got. Serenity was dead, and so was my soul.

"Shut up" i mutterd, i hate it when Rena says that, she always says im worthless. Which is why i like her, she doesnt lie to me.

"Look" Rena says, i see what she is looking at. He is walking towards me. 10 years ago i would not of noticed, and then ended up running into him and falling on the floor, which is when he would laugh and call me 'meat-ball head'. Serenity never told me to look out for him, Rena always did. Serenity said he was handsome and kind, she always saw the best in people, i used to be like that. Rena said he was mean and should get hit by a truck, which is what i am thinking right now.

He looked up at me

"Hi Serena" he muttered

"go head butt a knife" i hissed. He stopped walking and looked back at me, i stopped walking to. I was not in the mood for an argument with him, but Rena told me to stop.

"What is your problem?" he asked

"Nothing" i shrugged "why were you at the cemetery?" i asked

"so it was you"

"just answer the question"

"you know why" he said. I had heard enough, i turned around on my heels and walked away, despite Rena telling me to stay still.

"You have changed" he said. That stopped me, no one had ever said that to me, no one had ever noticed.

"What do you mean?" i asked, i walked close to him. Rena was telling me what his tombstone should read

'Darien Sheilds

jackass

he may of been murdered, but at least she had fun doing it' Rena said, i tried not to laugh.

"Never mind" he shrugged

"Darien" i said "how have i changed?"

"you just have, your not the same as you used to be"

"that's kind of what change means!" Rena shouted, if only Darien could hear her.

"Your eyes are dead" Darien said

"they are not" i lied. Darien placed his hands on my shoulders

"he cares" i heard a voice said

"leave me alone Serenity" i thought, she had returned. I did not want her and neither did Rena. Rena was killing her inside my head, i could see it in front of me, just behind Darien. I knew they were not their, i was not crazy, but i could still see them. Rena returned to me side, and Serenity disappeared, as well as Darien's touch. Rena looked like me, but her hair was a dirty blonde instead of my golden hair, she wore it in the same style as i did, but her clothes were black, i could see the blood on her hands.

I never wanted to see Serenity again, her silver hair and flowing white dress haunted me. Her eyes were alive, her voice was happy. She sounded more mature then i did. Her words used to make sense, but that had changed. Rena made sense to me, i liked her, she did not lie. Serenity said i was not worthless and that i did not kill Andrew. Rena said i was worthless and that it was my fault he was dead. Rena spoke the truth, Serenity was in denial. Serenity was the crazy one and Rena was sane. It was just the way things were. I often wonder if anyone else has an angel and a devil?.

"Leave me alone Darien" i said, i tried to walk of but his hand caught my wrist. As i turned around i could see Serenity's body lying lifless on the pavement.

"It was not your fault" he said, Rena was laughing now.

"You Darien, are a liar" i said, he let go of my wrist. I walked past him, heading in the opposite direction to where i was supposed to go. I made sure to walk over Serenity's body, Rena did the same, with a wicked smile on her face.

(A/N) PLEASE REVIEW!