Disclaimer:
Fushigi Yuugi belongs to the wonderful Yu Watase. (Manga #7 comes in November!! YAY!!!!) "Losing Grip" is an amazing song that belongs to Avril Lavigne. The story, however, is ALL MINE!! heheA/N:
While I'm *patiently* waiting for the next manga to be translated into English, I reread my old ones and came up with the idea for this fic. Miaka has returned home and changed out of her uniform. When she comes back, it's been three long months...this is Yui's side of the story with bits of Losing My Grip, a song by Avril Lavigne put in there too. Enjoy and send me reviews please! ~ =^_^= CronoCatI Was So Alone
//You weren't there when I was scared
I was so alone...//
Three long months...slowly dragging by. The days were filled with trying to forget and trying to hold out hope. I measured time not by days but by Nakago. He came to visit me often while I lay in bed, allowing no one else near. He was so dedicated, but his words failed to cheer me. After all, it wasn't his face I wanted to see.
It had started out well-enough. Weird, but exciting and thrilling. It was even a little romantic; being saved by a handsome man with a character on his forehead. There weren't any real bad guys, just a bunch of dirty men. I assumed the incident would soon be forgotten. But I was wrong-very, very wrong.
The whole thing had started to become frightening when Miaka disappeared. Of course I was worried. We were best friends! But somewhere underneath that, I felt proud, strong. Look what an amazing friend I am! Won't Miaka be grateful!
And all the things I went through for her! All the things I felt because I loved her. Tai-Its-Kun can say it's because of our matching uniforms all she wants, but I still believe it was more because I loved her, Miaka-my friend.
And how great I felt, being the one who could save her! It was as if everything rested on my shoulders and for one crystal clear moment and I knew I was strong enough to handle it.
"Come back, Miaka!" I had yelled. "We're going to high school together!" I had stopped feeling so great then. Miaka was hesitating and having trouble concentrating. All right then, I had muttered desperately, I'll just have to concentrate for you!
I gave her everything I could without expecting anything in return. I was strong, fearless and brave-the heroine of my own story. And now what had I become? A sobbing, frightened child-too scared to do much more than poke my head out from under the blankets once a day.
It wasn't thrilling or exciting anymore. The dull pain in my heart throbbed with every breath I took. Why hadn't she come? Why, my heart asked, why? And he was always by my side, dripping his lies into my mind when I was weak. Nakago-my light in the storm! How kind his voice; how caring his eyes. But he wasn't who I longed for-he wasn't Miaka.
At first, I made excuses for her. I had heard her, felt her every pain, so why hadn't Miaka felt mine? I told myself, maybe she has. Maybe she felt when those men...I cried, imagining her-hurt, bewildered and unable to face me. It wasn't a fate I wished on anyone! Oh, how I didn't want her to know what had happened to me...Maybe she felt she had let me down. No, never! I wanted to tell her. If I could only see you-if you would come and save me! It's not too late! Would Miaka still know me, if she came now?
But she didn't come. When it had been nearly month and still no sign of her, I was still understanding. After all, I hadn't figured out that Miaka might need me when I had been covered in water and unable to breathe. Nor did I know what was happening when the blood appeared on my skirt. Miaka will come for me soon, I would whisper to Nakago. He didn't believe me, but he was nice about it. And then one month, two months had passed.
"Come, Yui-sama. Weep no more," Nakago would say. "I'm here. You're not alone."
But I was alone. So alone...
Countless times I pushed him away. I don't need you. Miaka is coming! And each day that she didn't appear, I died a little more and grew a little less able to resist.
"I'm not your Seiryuu No Miko!" I cried, but each day it became more of a question than an answer. "I'm not Seiryuu No Miko...am I, Nakago?"
"You could be," he would say sweetly, gently. "You could have whatever your heart desires."
"Anything? Anything at all?"
He held out his hand to me. "Yes. Anything, Yui-Sama. You could wish for your so-called friend to feel this pain you suffer from."
"I could?" I took his hand, sighing. "No. I never could do that. She'll come...won't she?"
"I'm sorry that you still miss her so much. You should try to put her behind you now. She didn't save you. She hasn't come, but don't worry...I'll be here for you, always."
"She wants to come," I pleaded. "Maybe she's stuck somewhere!"
"Come for a walk with me, Yui-Sama. The air will wash away your tears. Come and get better. Come and get what your heart desires."
But I wouldn't. He walked outside alone. I hadn't set foot outside since Nakago had brought me here. I was too scared.
"It will soon be two whole months. Do you still think of me, Miaka? Do you wonder what happened to me; do you cry for me? You used to love me, you used to hug me, but now...where are you?" I sat by the window. Tomorrow would be the first day of a new month and still no sign of Miaka. I was desolate. Didn't she love me enough to come? I knew Miaka might never love me as deeply as I loved her, but still, I had thought that she would come...
It would be another month before I saw her. All days counted, three long months. It was during the last month I slit my wrist. I couldn't face life anymore. If Miaka came now, I wouldn't want to see her either...I wouldn't want her to see what I had become: a sniveling, wreak of a young girl. I was pale and scared. There was something inside me that was growing stronger: an anger, a hate towards everything and everyone. I was frightened of it. In one last desperate act, I thought I could kill it, kill who I was becoming.
But once again, Nakago rescued me. He wasn't going to let me die so easily. I thought he must really care about me. His love was a tangible force that kept me from falling again. I grabbed it and hung there, dangling between the two people I relied on most. On one side, her hold on my heart weakening, my friend Miaka. She hadn't come. She didn't care what happened to me, yet I couldn't make myself completely give up on her. She might still come! On the other side, Nakago, who loved me. He was everything I had, but I still backed away. I didn't know where to turn.
And then she came.
//You weren't there when I was scared...//
My best friend, Miaka, was standing not ten feet away, yelling my name.
//I was so alone...//
"Mi...aka...MIAKA!" I threw myself into her arms, sobbing again. Something in my heart screamed, what took you so long?! But I ignored it. Here she was, same as always. Oh Miaka...I hugged her tightly and let the tears rain down.
//You, you need to listen...//
She had been trying to come back for me all this time! She loved me...weren't we going to the same high school after all?! She didn't know what had happened to me, but she had been trying to find me all the same. I hid the truth. I wouldn't ever tell her. I didn't want her to know.
//I'm starting to trip, I'm losing my grip...//
Oh, to have someone solid and comforting to hold onto again! Someone to keep me from falling. And then Tamahome had appeared and I had gone to talk to Nakago. I would get the scroll back for Miaka and we would all go to Konan together. Everything would be fine...I could be happy at last!
//And I'm in this thing alone.//
But it was not to be. Nakago caught me up in a hug, ignoring my words when I defied him. "Try to remember the condition I found you in three months ago," he whispered. Evil bastard-did he really think I couldn't remember? I pushed him away, trying to shut out his words of come to the shrine if you change your mind, Yui-Sama. I took the scroll and ran.
//Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you//
Miaka, we're going to be together again! You came for me! I was so happy as I ran back. I felt a little troubled though and confused. Poor Nakago-he had only been trying to help. After all, he had never understood my love for Miaka. He didn't know how we walked to school together and hugged our hellos and goodbyes. He didn't know how good it had felt to throw my arms around her after all this time.
//Why'd you turn away...Here's what I have to say//
But when I got back, Miaka and Tamahome were talking. I stood, undecided outside the door. I peeked around and saw Miaka and Tamahome kissing! Something heavy descended on my heart.
//I was left to cry there, waiting outside there//
My eyes filled with the tears that came so easily now. I came back for you, Tamahome, Miaka was saying. No, my heart cried out, nononono! How could he steal her away from me like this? Didn't he know how much I needed her right then? Miaka-my friend...
//Burning with a loss there//
I swallowed my pain, my pride. I would face them, although I knew now that her love towards me was no longer sincere. Why had she come all this way to tell Tamahome she loved him? My mind twisted it around; she's flaunting it, she loves him more than you, she never meant to come back for you at all..
//That's when I decided//
To the shrine, Nakago's voice echoed in my head. I put my hands over my ears, trying to block him out. Miaka had deceived me. What a fool I had been to wait for her all this time! The old anger that I had tried to kill so many days ago flared up again. I hid beneath it and led Miaka and Tamahome to the shrine. Miaka was in pain there...
//Why should I care?//
It hurt to watch her suffer. But why should I save her? She hadn't saved me! Why should I care what happened to her anymore?!
//'Cause you weren't there when I was scared//
I yelled for Nakago, who came at once. Let's go to the same high school, Miaka's voice came rushing back. Bull, I muttered and let Nakago attack her.
//I was so alone//
And yet...somewhere, deep inside, I cried out with her.
//Crying out loud, I'm crying out loud
Open your eyes
Open up wide
Why should I care?
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared//
And things would never be the same.
This fic is based loosely on the song "Losing Grip", by Avril Lavigne. I only used some of the words in my story, so for anyone who is curious, here are all of the lyrics...
Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you
Why'd you turn away
Here's what I have to say
I was left to cry there, waiting outside there
Burning with a loss there
That's when I decided
****
CHORUS:
Why should I care?
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared
I was so alone
You, you need to listen
I'm starting to trip, I'm losing my grip
And I'm in this thing alone
****
Am I just some chick you placed beside you to take somebody's place
When you turn around, can you recognize my face
You used to love me, you used to hug me
But that wasn't the case
Everything was not okay
I was left to cry there, waiting outside there
Burning with a loss there
That's when I decided
****
CHORUS
****
Crying out loud, I'm crying out loud
Crying out loud, I'm crying out loud
Open your eyes
Open up wide
Why should I care?
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared
I was so alone
****
Why should I care?
'Cause you weren't there when I was scared
I was so alone
Why should I care?
If you don't care
I don't care, we're not going anywhere