Disclaimer: see bio
AN: okay. For those of you that like to pick things apart, this is one of those crazy, stupid humor fics. If you like those, then I commend you! And if you don't like those and you're still reading this…I wish you sanity. And a good serving of chocolate if you read all the way through. Oh, and Crawford's seiyuu is also K's seiyuu (non-Gravi fans, sorry for the confusion.) And as you can probably tell, oh great Spanish-speakers, I only have limited access to accents. Please bear with me.
Chapter 1
Should Have Foweseen This…
Bradley Crawford sat in his appointed patient examination room waiting for Dr. Suarez to get back with his x-ray results.
In the most recent mission that Schwartz had been assigned, the Great Oracle had been issued a vicious slash to the leg…Okay, okay, so it was just a scratch, but it seemed pretty vicious since the wound had begun to infect and grew a small lump on his leg about the shape of a baseball. It didn't hurt, but he had had to resort to wearing shorts almost as short as those hideous pieces of clothing the Weiss chibi wore. He just wanted to know what in Hades it was and how to get rid of it.
"Señor Crawford," a voice came from the door. "Tengo los resultados."
Now was another time he had wished he knew Spanish… "I speak English. I can't speak español," he explained. He wasn't about to make a fool of himself and to speak a language he didn't understand.
"Enfermera Juanita!" Dr. Suarez called out into the hall. "Viene aqui por favor!"
"Si, doctor?" a hispanic woman in uniform asked, walking in.
"Traduce por favor," he said pointing to Crawford. Apparently, this doctor was always in a good mood. Whether it was raining soccer balls of hail or a huge language gap.
"Si, si."
Dr. Suarez repeated the sentence he had said when walking in the door. "Dr. Suarez has the results," the nurse translated.
The doctor and nurse language team went on to explain that the x-rays didn't show anything cancerous or terminal, but they still didn't know what the lump on Crawford's leg was.
But apparently, the rip-off characters from "El Hosptial General" weren't done yet, the doctor had one more question to ask.
"Pero, doctor Suarez, no es posible! El es un hombre!" nurse Juanita exclaimed after the doctor had told her to translate something else.
"Ahora!" the doctor said, turning to Crawford with a very toothy smile which made him want to gag.
"The doctor has asked for your hand in marriage…" the nurse explained reluctantly.
Crawford blinked slowly, trying to think of a good witty remark to get out of this. "Sorry, but that's illegal where I'm from."
The nurse explained to the doctor in their native tongue and the doctor ran off in tears.
"We're thinking of getting rid of him, Mr. Crawford," nurse Juanita assured him. "I wish you luck with your…growth…"
Crawford blinked. Right after the nurse had walked out and he had bandaged his leg again, he had a very vague vision of someone saying the word "Mommy". Why…?
After the random and confusing vision, he had a better one…in which nurse Juanita lodged her bony fist into Dr. Suarez's deranged face.
He shrugged off both visions and headed out the door. At least he knew the doctor would be receiving pain sometime in the…wait…
He looked aver from the exit door to see exactly what he had seen in his second vision, but this came with sound…as in enfermera Juanita ranting and raving at the doctor in not only their native tongue, but some sort of strange dialect.
He shrugged and went out the door. Maybe…someone had some sort of food ready at home…maybe. On second thought, maybe he'd just eat out tonight…
When he finally did arrive at the Schwartz residence, he was greeted by Schuldig. "Gee, Bradiekins, the way you wear that Armani blazer and your dress shirt with your shorts must scare away small children," the orange-haired German said with a knowing smirk.
That son of a…he must have been telepathically spying while he was walking home and saw that group of children run back to their mothers after he handed them their stupid ball back. Little ingrates.
"Did the doctor figure out what it was on your leg?" Nagi asked quietly.
"No, they don't have a clue what it is," Crawford answered. "It just seems to be a useless growth…just like Schuldig." He walked towards his bedroom.
"Hey!" Schuldig shouted after him, but he ignored it, as usual.
That was one pointless doctor's appointment. Nothing of importance happened. Except for the bit of violence against a man he'd rather forget at the very end.
In the end, the whole day had given him an immense headache. He mused over whatever the lump on his leg could be as he unwrapped the bandage from the offending limb. The bandage came in handy in public, but it just built up unwanted pressure when he was at home…
Plus, having a headache, and sitting a dark room just made him want to sleep…
Crawford twitched in his sleep…what was that annoying feeling…? Someone was…poking his leg…?
He slowly sat up and turned his bedside lamp on. "Quit it," he said, firmly, taking a knife away from the insane Irishman. "What are you doing in my room? And how did you get out of your straight jacket?"
"I dislocated both shoulders," Farfarellow said, popping his neck. "What did the doctor say?" he asked, bringing his head back into place with both hands.
Crawford put a hand up to his face. "He doesn't know what it is. Now get out!" he ordered, pointing to the door.
"Wait…it's…moving," Farf said, poking it with his finger.
"What are you—" Brad started, but…surprisingly, the growth on his leg WAS moving. "What in the world…?" he asked. The growth had grown to the size of a basketball and was now squirming around.
Finally, the squirming stopped and something…fell out of the lump.
"I should have foweseen dis…" a small voice declared as what looked like a small version of Crawford stood up and looked around the room.
It wasn't just that it looked like Brad that made the American business man and the Irish blasphemer stare, though. Chibi-Brad was decked out in a small Armani suit, carried a miniature suit case and pushed up a pair of tiny glasses.
"Hm…" Farfarellow started. "I know!"
Crawford groaned. He was definitely not in the mood for Farfie's mad ravings…
"I'll call you Aaron!"
"What!" Crawford asked. "What possessed you to name him Aaron?"
"It's a Celtic name," the Celtic man concluded. "And there are no saints named Aaron. At least I don't think there are."
"I wike dat name!" Aaron announced with a smile.
"Must be your hidden emotions, Bradiekins," Schuldig's voice came from the door.
Nagi's voice asked something inaudible.
"Nah, we both lost…" Schuldig answered.
"You were betting on it weren't you?" Crawford inquired, giving the telepath his ever-famous Crawford glare.
"Yeah. I thought it was some infected bug bite and Nagi said it was some tumor that would turn out to be terminal and grow organs and stuff."
"It grew organs, but it's not a tumor," Nagi concluded.
The three sane members of the assassin troop turned to the sound of a child's laughter.
"Farf, whatcha doin'?" Schuldig asked.
Farfarellow caught Aaron in mid-air and turned to his ally. "Spontaneous male sprouting hurts God"
"Hm…" the German said thoughtfully. "Of, course, you know, Bradiekins…you know what this means…"
Crawford rubbed his temples. He had a feeling whatever he was going to say he heard before.
"You're a mommy!"
Of course, he had been prepared, and pulled an over-sized oozy from his Armani jacket that he hadn't bothered changing out of. "What was that?"
Schuldig sweat-dropped. Apparently the mood swings were coming a little late in the game. But with the huge barrel of the gun staring him in the face, he just backed out of the room. "'Night, Bradiekins!"
Nagi only rolled his eyes and walked out after him.
"You get out, too," he said, turning his aim to Farf.
He blinked. He knew it would hurt him or anything, but Brad seemed to be in a bad mood. So, he plopped Aaron back on his bed and left.
"Nagi, Schuldig, put him back in his straight jacket!"
Two simultaneous moans and grumbles could be heard from the closed door.
Aaron yawned long and loudly. "'Night, mommy," he said, cuddling up to Crawford.
Crawford glared off into space. At least the little bugger was safest in his room. Schuldig would teach him God only knew what, Farfarellow would end up trying to raise him himself, and he didn't want to think of what Nagi would do if he got on his nerves.
The precog shook his head, coming back to himself. Did he just have a maternal moment!
"Hey, kid—" he started, but didn't finish. Aaron was already asleep and had himself firmly attached to his mommy's arm.
Crawford blinked slowly and thoughtfully yet again. He turned off the light, placed the oozy back in his jacket, and went to sleep.
AN: how does he keep it in there? How does K keep his arsenal hidden for that matter? For those non-Gravi fans out there, K is a former member of the secret service. And both he and his wife are trigger-happy. And American if you didn't notice. And yes, K's seiyuu is Crawford's seiyuu. Hope you likey. And don't forget to review!