He's more broken than she's ever seen him to be. Eyes bloodshot, hair dishevelled. . .It makes her feel so helpless, because she knows there's not much she can do to make it better. She doesn't know what it feels like to have someone she loves die, so she doesn't know what to say to someone who didn't have any parent left.
So she's lying beside him on her bed. She watches him sleep, his chest rising and falling, and wishes she could do more for him.
I love you.
She would say it again and again if she'd thought it'd help.
But the fact is, Cyrus is right. He does need time; he's Chuck Bass, and he'll probably hurt her a couple more times before letting the war go. It's a cycle, she thinks.
"Are you chilly?" she whispers, seeing his eyes flicker open.
He shakes his head.
"Hungry? I could get some leftovers from the kitchen."
"No, it just. . ." He trails off, sighing. "It's been a really long day."
"It's almost tomorrow. And I'm still here. It'll get better soon."
He scoffs quietly. "I never knew my mother, and I never got over her death. I doubt this will be any different."
"You don't have to get over it. . .Just stop torturing yourself."
"How?" he asks quietly. "She died giving birth to me, and he died when I told him to get back to the ball. I killed my parents, Blair."
She bites her lip and clasps his hands behind his neck, pulling him closer so he can look into her eyes and see someone still cares.
"I don't think so, Chuck. Nobody blames you but you."
"It's like I was created to kill or hurt everyone I cared about, and care about me."
This is honesty she doesn't expect, not from him. Even in his drunkest state, Chuck has always managed to keep his thoughts to himself. Seeing him so vulnerable just broke her heart.
"I'm still here."
"I know."
"And Lily. She cares about you, you know."
He keeps silent.
"Eric. . .You were pretty harsh."
"I know."
"Serena's called me about ten times to ask how you are."
"What did you tell her?"
"That I don't know," she admits. "But like I said, I'm not going to leave you. I don't need you to say those three words now, because God knows you're going through hell. But maybe someday."
"Maybe someday," he repeats.
"Get some sleep, Bass," she says, a small smile on her lips. "You look like crap."
He shuts his eyes and tries to sleep, but finds it impossible. So when he's sure she is, he gets up carefully, quietly, and finds a piece of paper to write a note.
I'm sorry for everything.
You deserve much better,
Don't come looking for me.
--Chuck.
He looks back at her and considers, for a moment, writing down those three words on the note. But it seems wrong, and he's pretty sure she won't appreciate the déjà vu of him saying how he feels, and then disappearing right after.
Chuck places the note on the pillow, and bends down to kiss her forehead softly. She's the only left, and if he stays, she might. . .It would just be better for him to go. The last thing he does is pull a blanket over her, making sure she's good before he leaves.
"Maybe someday," he murmurs.
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