Blind Going In

"You have a new customer," Ichikawa told him, but her voice was hesitant.

"That's fine," said Touya. "How many stones should I give him?"

"He said six stones. But...Akira-kun." Ichikawa leaned forward a little and lowered her voice. "You should know, the customer is blind."

"Oh," Touya said, then thought about it for a moment. "I guess he'll have to tell me where he wants to play each hand, then, and I'll place the stones for him."

"Yes, I think so."

"Where is he?"

"Over in the corner, sitting by himself. His name is Yoshida Katsuhiro-san."

"Thank you."

Touya made his way over to the table where his customer waited. He made sure his footsteps could be heard and he cleared his throat audibly before speaking.

"Yoshida-san? I'm sorry to keep you waiting." Touya smiled and bowed out of habit even though the man's eyes did not meet his own.

Yoshida rose slowly and bowed his greying head. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Touya-sensei," he said in a voice that sounded much younger than Touya had expected. "I know you have a busy schedule so I truly appreciate the opportunity to play you."

"Not at all. I enjoy playing everyone who comes here," Touya replied politely, wishing he could make people feel at ease the way Shindou did.

"I'm not a very good player. And, as you can see, I'm blind. So, I'm afraid that..."

"Would you like me to place your stones for you?"

Yoshida visibly relaxed. "Please."

They seated themselves and Touya started to hand over the basket of black stones, until he realized he would have to keep it on his own side. He opened up both baskets and said, "I was told that you would like a six-tstone handicap. Where would you like me to place them? The usual way?"

"Hm, no. I'd like the four corner star points, the centre stone closest to me, and - "Yoshida's lips quirked into a slight smile," - the tengen."

Touya smiled too as he put down the six stones. Everyone liked the tengen nowadays. He wondered, as the first few hands were played (Touya placed both black and white stones and felt strange doing so), whether Yoshida had seen the kifu of Shindou's last game. But, it occurred to him, Yoshida could not read kifu, at least not normal kifu. How did he study? Touya tried to imagine the answer for a moment, then decided he should simply ask.

Yoshida did not seem surprised at the question.

"I have a friend who works for a specialty printing company. He sometimes has kifu made for me with raised print. He gets me a good discount, but it still costs me a fair bit, so I don't do it very often. Usually I just have my friends read out kifu for me, and we discuss it as we go along. I do wish I could read all the kifu in Weekly Go though. 15-2, please."

"Okay, 15-2." Touya paused for a moment to figure out where Yoshida's next stone was supposed to go. It was hard to figure out the hands from the wrong side of the board. "Do you remember all your games?"

"I'm afraid I don't have a mind like yours, Touya-sensei. I've gotten pretty good at remembering a game as I'm playing it, but I don't have a large library of kifu in my head. I have to do some pretty fancy memory tricks if I want to commit games to memory in the longterm."

"It sounds like a difficult situation."

"It's not that bad."

Privately, Touya that it was that bad. He could only imagine what it was like for this man to read kifu with his fingertips, or to rely on friends to read out the moves, the slow, piecemeal crawl. It would be so frustrating to anyone who was used to taking in the entire board at a glance.

Touya remembered playing blind go at Kaio all those years ago - remembered the longing for sight, the shame of being unable to keep the shape of the stones in his mind, the realization that the act of placing a stone with his own hand was one to be treasured.

"Did you do your move, Touya-sensei?" asked the man himself. "I thought I heard something."

"Oh, yes! My apologies. I went to 15-4."

"Ah, so you're going to fight me for that group, are you?"

"It's the correct move at this time."

But Yoshida didn't seem like someone who wanted pity. He was not a very strong player, but he seemed sure of his own strengths, in his own way. Touya would have to concentrate on the game if he was going to win, and if Yoshida was going to learn anything from this session. Playing him wasn't like playing those three boys from the Kaio go club at all.

They made small talk as they played, about their families and Touya's career, both of them relaxing into the pattern of teacher and student. Yoshida had a sister who lived in Sendai, Touya learned. His parents had both passed away and he had no children. He used to work as a caretaker at a university but now he was retired. The go salon he usually went to was clean and quiet and most of his friends were there. He favoured classical joseki and fuseki, but liked to throw in the occasional risky move.

The game was deep into chuuban when Touya worked up the nerve to ask what he really wanted to know.

"Why do you play?"

Yoshida chuckled, and Touya guessed that he'd heard the pity underlying the genuine curiosity in that question. "You're bolder than I thought you would be, Touya-sensei. But it's a good question. The answer is simple. I love go, that's all. And you know what they say about love." He pointed at his unseeing eyes.

"Yes, that's true," Touya replied.

"Some people think there's something wrong with me, playing so much go when I'm like this. But I'm sure you don't think so."

"It never crossed my mind," Touya lied. But then he told the truth. "If I lost my eyesight I would do the same thing. It wouldn't change anything. I would be as dedicated as you are."

"Well, I'm not that dedicated. I'm not a pro."

"You don't have to be a pro to be dedicated. As long as you find the right person to play against."

"I suppose so," said Yoshida, settling deeper into his chair. "11-8, please."

Touya was not willing to pry any further. He did not ask whether Yoshida had been blind his entire life, whether he'd learned to hold the stones with his eyes or without, whether he'd once had to relearn everything he knew. Because it was true, wasn't it. They were both helplessly in love with a board game.

Maybe he and Yoshida weren't so different after all. Maybe they were all like that - Touya, his father, Ogata, Shindou, everyone - playing with shadow puppets on the wall, the Hand of God forever beyond their reach, but happy enough with being part of the game.

After they finished, Yoshida left for the subway station (he refused Touya's offer to walk with him) and Touya sat back down at the table where they had been playing. The stones had been cleared from the board, but he didn't need to see them to remember their shape. Even if he couldn't see it, the game still existed.

"You were placing his hands for him."

Touya looked up to see Shindou, whose face was screwed up into an indescribable expression.

"Is that so strange?" said Touya. "He was blind."

"No, it's just that...I haven't seen anyone do that for a long time."

"Really? When was that?"

"It was...a long time ago. I knew someone who couldn't place the stones himself."

"Was he blind?"

Shindou shook his head.

"No. Not him."

There it was again, the mystery that lay between them. But Touya was fine with that. He did not need need to know everything to understand. He gestured wordlessly for Shindou to sit down, which he did, and handed him the basket of white stones. Touya would take black.

Then they closed their eyes and, as one, began to play.

-End -

Author's notes:

This fic was written for the first blind_go challenge on Livejournal in 2006. The version posted here is slightly different (less wordy, hopefully) than the original fic.