I don't own any of this stuff. I don't own Sarah, I don't own Hoggle, and I don't own Jareth. Though I'd like to own Jareth. I'd like to fluff his fountain-fro-mullet every night and iron his tights. He's one sexy Goblin King, that man.

Oh, and just as a little sidenote, I don't want any 'Why do you hate Labyrinth, biatch? It's a great movie!' comments. Labyrinth is my all-time favorite movie, I've seen it billions of times, I'm probably watching it when I write some of these lines. I just like writing spoofs on things I love, just to show I'm a good sport.

Once upon a time, there was an incredibly spoiled little brat girl who was very pretty, had a nice white dress, and still couldn't stop complaining about her 'horrible' life. But she's the main character, so we're forced to like her or else it's just not worth watching the movie, or reading this, so let's all get over it and continue with the tale. Well, her dog was sitting across from her, staring at her like the insanoid spoiled brat she was, and she was spouting lovey-dovey lines that I've opted to replace in this scene with a more parody-worthy monologue.

Sarah: Through lots and lots of seriously bad shiznat, I've come to take the kid you've like, stolen or something. I am pretty, I am woman, hear me roar. You… You… Snap doggety, I've forgotten the line again!

Dog: It's six frickin' words, you little twerp.

Sarah: Oh, shut up. You'd forget the lines too, if you had all the horrible things going on in your life that I do in mine.

(A clocktower chimes. It seems really out of place in some made up American town, but so does a girl spouting love lines to a dog, so let's swing with it.)

Sarah: Damn, it's seven. Let's go, doggy! I've got adventures to have and babies to get kidnapped!

Dog: Can't I have a quick chase after that owl up there?

Sarah: No, we need that owl later on in the plot. It's called foreshadowing!

Dog: 'Kaybark.

(They start to run, and it starts to rain. This running-raining sequence is further enhanced by some wonderful eighties pop beats. Everyone dance along!)

Stepmother: Where have you beeeen?

Sarah: Saying lovey-dovey stuff to my dog, who is apparently my only friend. I am a sad, pretty girl. Pity me.

Stepmother: I shall not! Observe my badly dubbed audio-visual, as I am an English actor and they ran over my lines with an American voice to make things more 'realistic'.

Sarah: Why didn't they fix the clocktower?

Stepmother: 'Cause then there wouldn't be wonderful bongs to signal the running-raining-eighties music sequence. You little brat.

Sarah: Oh, of course.

Stepmother: And, by the way, I'm taking your father out to worship Satan. We'll be back before you know it.

Sarah: Will you give me time to have a seriously realistic fantasy?

Stepmother: No. You have to watch your brother and make sure he doesn't get turned into a goblin.

Sarah: Oh! You never understand me! Angst! Angst!

Stepmother (to father): I'm selling your daughter's soul on eBay when we get back.

(Sarah enters her room and realizes that her teddy bear is missing. With an incredibly spoiled-brat squeal, she runs into her brother's room and finds the bear on the floor next to her brother's crib.)

Sarah: Le gasp! My dearly beloved Lancelot! The least you could do is not throw it on the floor, you little peppermint.

Toby: (gurgle)

Sarah: Why do they all mess with my stuff? Don't they realize that I've got a tragic case of Peter Pan complex, and I'm emotionally attached to my childhood despite my great, womanly figure and rouged cheeks?

Toby: Wtf? Rouge? What are you, in the 1930's?

Sarah: I hate you!

Toby: (starts crying)

Sarah: Shut up! Shutupshutup! You're giving me a migraine! Fine, I'll put on this really ugly hat that more resembles a tea cozy, and tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was an incredibly spoiled little brat girl who was very pretty, had a nice white dress, and still couldn't stop complaining about her 'horrible' life... Oh, that's the intro to this parody. Let's start again.

Goblin 1: Hey, anyone got some beer?

Goblin 2: Sh! We're listening to the story!

Goblin 3: Dude, where are we, in a closet or something?

Goblin 1: (insert random 'in the closet'-related gay joke here)

Toby: WAH! WAH!

Sarah: My story skills are below par without my dog to emote to. I'll just wish the goblins will take you away, right now.

Toby: h'osnap.

(The lights go out, Toby stops crying, lightning flashes, the window flies open and Jareth enters dramatically)

Jareth: Tada!

Sarah: Hot damn, David Bowie's in my house! Wearing tights!

Jareth: No, you little twit, I'm the Goblin King. Notice the fountain-like blond mullet, the snazzy entrance, and the leather and feather fetish?

Sarah: I thought the mullet deal died with Aladdin Sane?

Jareth: I'm not frickin' David Bowie, you little rouged tart! Oh, geez. Let's just move on, shall we?

Sarah: 'Kay.

Jareth: Hey, you like snakes? (throws snake)

Sarah: Eeek!

Jareth: What about crystal balls? I got afabulous one right here. (Takes out a crystal ball and does some fancy hand balancing tricks)

Sarah: Ooooh, preeetty.

Jareth: You know, these balls will show you all sorts of trippy things.

Sarah: (gigglesnort) You said balls.

Jareth: (rolls his eyes) That's it, I'm leaving. I don't need this crap you know, I'm the bloody king of the bloody Goblins. I've got places to be, people to torment! Why am I making genitalia jokes with a bratty little girl?

Sarah: No, no! Really, I have to get my brother back. I have this odd gut feeling that my stepmother's gonna sell my soul on eBay.

Jareth: Oh, fine. Please follow the pants to this here magical plateau.

(They're suddenly on a high hill, with lots of dust and a red sky that isn't red at any other time in the movie. I suppose it was an artistic shot or something.)

Sarah: Oooh, this is nice. A little condo, a few palm trees, and you've got yourself a dandy resort. And such a great veiw of the maze backdrop, too!

Jareth: It's not a maze! It's a labyrinth. Mazes are made with hedges, labyrinths are made with stone. Didn't you learn anything from that stupid book of yours?

Sarah: I only like reading the lovey-dovey stuff to my dog. The rest doesn't really interest me. It's all about this girl who has to go through this Labyrinth to save something or another, and it tells about all the ways to get through it and all the secret passageways and answers to all the riddles and whatnot. I mean, when is that ever going to come in handy?

Jareth: Mwahaha.

Sarah: ...Did you just laugh maniacally?

Jareth: No! ...Whatever. You've got thirteen hours to save the kid, or I'm keeping him here and raising him to do hard labor and make more feathery, leathery capes and tight pants. Forever..ever...ever...vr.. (fade)

Sarah: The fading thing was a bit dramatic, dontcha think?

More chapters are going to be up, so don't worry. I have to finish the entire movie, don't I:)