A/N: Inspired by a silly post I made on Tumblr about Deeks choosing his best man which got a few requests to make it a full-blown fic. Set sometime in the nearish future. Please excuse the absolutely cheesy title and all the silliness.
May the Best Man Win
"Ok, well so far we've confirmed the venue for the wedding and reception, I almost have my dress and we nearly have the caterer picked out," Kensi said, reading from the astonishingly long 'Wedding To-Do' list that now seemed to be a daily part of their lives.
"Sounds like we're doing great," Deeks offered. Unsurprisingly, he received an unamused look from Kensi.
"We still need to send out invitations, figure out what we want to do for music, get your suit and about a hundred other things. So in summation, we are not doing great. We're doing terrible." Deeks could see a another impending bout of Wedding Planning induced anxiety about to hit and took matters into his own hands, getting up from the chair he'd borrowed from Callen's desk. He leaned against the edge of Kensi's desk and gingerly removed the list from her grasp.
"Babe, it's not that bad. We'll fill out the invitations this weekend, I promise. And, everybody we work with has already confirmed so that's like half the guest list taken care of," he said reassuringly. Then while she was distracted, he slipped the list inside his bag. Hopefully it would be at least a few hours before Kensi noticed it was missing.
"Ok, you're right we can do this," she said, taking a deep breath and slowly releasing. "Oh, and you definitely need to choose a best man soon." Deeks tossed his head back with a groan.
"Oh my god, why? Why can't I just tell them all that I love them equally, albeit in different ways, instead of having to play favorites?"
"Because it's a tradition people have been doing for centuries and regardless of how unconventional we may be, everyone expects you to pick a best man," Kensi said with an annoying level of reason.
"So which one of is it going to be?" Kensi and Deeks both jerked and looked up as Callen walked in, Sam a few steps behind him. Based on their expressions, they'd heard the entire conversation.
"It's me, right?" Callen continued, a smirk lighting up his face as he took in Deeks' cornered expression.
"Well, um…"
"C'mon, G. You really think he'd pick you?" Sam asked and although he smiled jokingly, his tone held a warning note. Deeks bit back a groan. This was exactly why he'd been putting this off.
"Are you saying you don't think I deserve to be best man?"
"No, but between me, you and Beale, you have to admit that you're the least likely."
"Now that seems a little harsh," Deeks cut in, seeing that Sam was actually starting to look a little pissed.
"So you are asking him?" Sam said, narrowing his eyes in a way that scared Deeks more than he would ever admit and suggested anything other than a negative response would not be accepted.
"Um, yeah, no. That's not, that's not what I said," he said with a nervous chuckle and made a swipe at his hair. "I just think this isn't something we should get upset about, you know." He heard something that sounded suspiciously like a snort from Kensi and he glared down at her.
"You brought this on yourself," she muttered without a hint of remorse.
"Deeks, remember which one of us helped you move. Both times." Sam gestured between himself and Callen. "Then remember who declared himself foreman of the group."
"I helped!" Callen protested.
"Yeah, you were a big help. You spent the entire time annoying everyone with 'suggestions' like, 'lift with your legs, not with your back' while you drank beer and watched us do all the heavy lifting," Sam said disdainfully.
"And I still believe that is very helpful; advise; no one wants to pull a muscle." Deeks pinched the bridge of his nose and stood to his full height, putting up his hand in a halting gesture.
"Ok, guys, stop. Just stop arguing for two seconds, ok? Sam, I'm not asking Callen."
"That's hurtful."
"I honestly haven't decided who I'm going to ask," Deeks admitted, ignoring Callen. A sharp whistle interrupted, Classic Beale, and he silently praised Eric for saving him from further hellacious conversation.
"Hey, guys we have a new case," Eric announced, jogging down the stairs. "Hope I'm not interrupting anything too serious. You guys look pretty intense."
"We were just discussing Deeks' best man. Or lack thereof," Callen explained helpfully.
"What do you mean lack thereof? You're asking me, right Deeks?" Eric said, laughing awkwardly as he attempted to catch Deeks' eye. "I mean, we've been spending so much time together, going on double dates, surfing on the weekends…"
"Yeah, and that's all been great man, but–"
"But what, I'm just not good enough to be your best man?"
"Ok, again I never said that about any of you."
"We had a sleepover, Deeks. If that's not reflective of best man material, then what is?" Eric asked, sounding genuinely hurt, unlike Callen. Great, now he had an angry ex-SEAL and an upset geek on his hands.
"You had a sleepover?" Callen asked, not even attempting to contain his laughter. "That is…that is awesome. Did you guys braid each other's hair?"
"Ok, first of all, Nell and Kensi were there too. Secondly, it was not a sleepover, we all just happened to fall asleep in the same room while watching a movie together," Deeks defended before any rumors should start.
"I don't know, you guys looked pretty snuggly," Kensi commented.
"You are not being helpful," he told Kensi with a frown. She gave him an exaggerated shrug and leaned back in her chair.
"I let you use my Star Wars blanket," Eric said accusingly, shaking his head with what appeared to be supreme disappointment.
"And it was very cozy and I appreciate it."
"Just not enough to ask me to be your best man."
"You'd probably show up in shorts and a bowtie," Sam said scathingly, eyeing Eric's bare legs with disgust.
"Contrary to popular belief, I do own pants and I also happen to know an excellent tailor who specializes in formal wear," Eric replied tightly, his eyes flashing dangerously.
"I bet you think formal wear is like the costumes you wear to ren faires."
"You know, I'd just wear some night dress pants and a shirt. No reason to be pretentious," Callen offered to no one in particular. Eric and Sam spared him a look of irritation but otherwise ignored his comment.
Sam turned back to Deeks with what was probably supposed to be an entreating look but came off as more threatening than anything.
"Deeks, you want your best man to be someone you can trust. Someone who can support you through a very stressful and emotional time."
"Are you implying that I'm not trustworthy or able to support someone in a time of need?"
"That's not what I said."
"Well, it certainly sounded like it."
Nell appeared at the top of the stairs and cleared her throat, thankfully stopping Deeks from saying something unfortunate about his friends that he wouldn't be able to take back.
"Heeeey, um what's going on?" she asked, jogging down the stairs and bypassing Eric, whose jaw was clenched. She stopped in between the agents' desks and frowned, taking the various annoyed, pissed off and amused, in Callen's case, expressions. "Didn't Eric tell you there's a new case?"
"He got a little waylaid," Kensi explained with a twitch of her eyebrows that only made Nell look more confused.
"Nell," Deeks said, before Callen or anyone else could make this situation worse. He made a spur-of-the-moment decision, one that would probably come back to bite him in the ass, but he was thoroughly sick of the petty fighting and couldn't think of a better way to end this all once and for all.
"Yeees?" Nell responded hesitantly, glancing around the room once more as though might give a clue as to what was actually going on.
"Will you be my best woman?" he said succinctly and with just a touch of exasperation bleeding through. He was pretty certain both Sam and Eric's jaws dropped while he heard Callen let out a darkly amused chuckle. Nell gave him a sidelong glance for a moment and then slowly stepped towards him.
"Are you serious?"
"Of course," Deeks said honestly. Even though he'd only just thought of it, Nell made perfect sense.
"Oh my god!" Nell squealed. "Yes, I'd love to be your best woman." She flung herself at Deeks and he readily wrapped his arms around her tiny body, smiling as she jumped a couple times in excitement.
"Hey, I was going to ask Nell to be one of my brides maids," Kensi interjected, but without any real malice in her voice. He quickly turned just to double check that he hadn't stepped on his bride-to-be's toes but she looked oddly proud rather than angry or annoyed.
"You snooze, you lose," he said as Nell finally released him and took a step back. "Besides, between Kat, Mandy, Mindy, Tiffany, and Tiffany, and all your other female friends you'll have at least a dozen bridesmaids, don't be greedy."
"Oh, that is a huge exaggeration," Kensi said and then added in a sanctimonious voice, "It's not greedy to want your friends to be a part of your wedding."
"So, that's it? Nell's your best man?" Sam asked, sounding still slightly annoyed but grudgingly amused. He seemed slightly letdown that Deeks had found such an easy way to resolve the situation.
"Yup, my best man is a woman," Deeks said proudly, noticing that Nell couldn't stop grinning.
"Go equal opportunity weddings!" she said, pumping her fist in the air. Eric grudgingly smiled at her and walked over to give her a hug.
"I bet you'll be a great best woman, Nell."
"Aw, thanks, Eric. Well, I need to get back up to ops. And I need to start looking for a dress!" They all watched Nell run back up the stairs and then Eric rounded on Deeks.
"Ok, Nell gets to be your best man–woman–but you have to let me plan your bachelor party," he insisted.
"Oh, well, I really don't want–"
"I already have some ideas and I know you'll love it."
"Eric…" Deeks protested half-heartedly.
"Beale, there is no way I'm letting you be in charge in of Deeks' bachelor party," Sam said.
"Oh my god," Deeks repeated as they began to bicker again, completely ignoring any input he might have. He sank into the chair next to Kensi and lightly banged his head against the top of the desk with a whimper.
"Oh, Baby," Kensi murmured, poorly concealing her mirth as she gently ran a comforting hand through his hair.
"Can we please elope?" he asked, uncovering one eye to see Kensi who was openly laughing at him now.
"I'm pretty sure Nell would kill you if we did. You can't take best woman away from her now, she's way too excited."
"Death might be preferable to this." There was a lull in the bickering and Callen loudly asked,
"What do you mean bounce castles aren't appropriate for a bachelor party?" Deeks dropped his head back on the desk with an audible thump and Kensi resumed combing his hair with her fingers.
"Please kill me now," he begged.