The Misadventures of a Midian
Misadventure 1: Alucard and the Attack of the Donuts
"Alucard! Come here!" Even if he couldn't actually hear her voice, Alucard was drawn to her call all the same. He appeared through the floor in a swirl of inky darkness, unfortunately right behind where his master was standing.
"You called, Master?" Integra gave a little squeak of surprise and turned around quickly. "A-A-Alucard! Don't do that!" The midian smirked. His master cleared her throat before continuing, "I need you to do something for me, Alucard." "Uh-huh. And that would be…?" "Go to this address. There should be a package waiting for you in my name." "And what is in this aforementioned package, dare I ask?" "One dozen of the World's Finest Donuts. I've had a craving for some all week." Alucard was speechless. "You want me, the No Life King, the nosferatu Alucard, to pick up your box of what?" "Donuts. You know, the little sugary pastries." He was totally at a loss. "Sugary… pastries…?" Integra nodded gravely. "Precisely." If he had been human, Alucard presumed he would have passed out in shock at this point.
"If… If that is your command, Master." The vampire slowly sank back through the floor, all the while wondering if the woman had finally gone insane. He knew the stress levels of running an organization such as Hellsing were considerably high for a normal human. Integra may be far from normal, he thought, but she was still quite human. There were certain advantages to being dead.
Later
Alucard plopped the box containing the twelve crème filled, thickly glazed donuts on the counter top wearily. All this running around amidst masses of humans, in the daytime no less, was making him tired. However, he was curious to find out what these "donuts" his master spoke of were exactly. Eying the box warily, he slowly opened the lid. Nothing too exciting. Sniffing the contents, he recoiled and stuck his tongue out in disgust at the sugary-sweet aromas being emitted from the box. "How can humans stomach this stuff?" he wondered out loud. Removing the pristine white glove from one hand, so as to not get it contaminated, he slowly reached over and poked one of the donuts. The sticky glaze clung to his finger. "Eeeeeew, get it off me!" He started shaking his hand around crazily, trying to dislodge the gooey substance. "Get it off me, get it off, off off off off!" His hand accidentally smashed into another donut, and he found himself coated with a layer of lemon-flavored sludge. "Alright, this tears it. I've been covered in vampire blood, ghoul blood, human blood, I've even been covered in my own blood, but nothing, nothing I've endured so far is as nasty as this!" he spat. "This means war!" Pulling out his twin pistols, he decided to make the offending baked goods wish they had never been mixed.
"Oh, Alu-caaard! Do you have my donuts?" Integra called, Walter following closely behind her. Alucard stepped out of the kitchen, covered head to foot in bits of bread and crème filling. Wiping the dripping yellow slime from his sunglasses, he muttered something about "stupid bloody human food." Walter walked over and cracked the door open. "Miss Integra, you shouldn't look. The carnage is…. indescribable…" Not paying attention to either of them, Alucard started to walk off, mumbling about being completely sick if he even so much as smelled donuts within fifty miles of Hellsing grounds. "That's strange," Integra noted, observing the horrendus mess, "I could have sworn I ordered raspberry…"
Yay for being out of character! ...And sorry the ending is kind of stupid. This is my first attempt at a collection of short Hellsing fanfictions, all of them humorous, titled The Misadventures of a Midian. Completely in the other direction from my other story, huh? Since all of these are pretty much one shot stories, I want to finish Revelations first. I'll work on these when I have a.) time and b.) inspiration. Please review!