Hello, all! Thank you for taking a chance on this strange, never been done before plot/story! Honestly, I pretty much know next to nothing about DC and I personally didn't like Suicide Squad, but I saw potential with Jared Leto's Joker. From my viewpoint, he didn't seem as dark as others have portrayed him in the past, still as madly insane, but just not as dark. I am perfectly fine if you don't agree, it's just my personal point of view.
Please enjoy! Let me know if you spot any mistakes as this is not beta read.
She's tied up on a cold, hard chair, again. Basically, she's been abducted. Again. Again, for hell's sake. Honest to Loki, Darcy has to think a moment, this is what—the 7th kidnapping in as many months? Is this actually going to become a monthly thing? Like her period? Cuz, that's just shitty enough! Seriously. She's even gagged and, and, has a bag over her head. Come on, people, a gag and a fucking bag o'er the head? Overkill much? Honestly, which stupidass goon thought that both was a good idea? Whoever it is, A.) they even screwed up with the gag because it's really loose and kinda already falling out of her mouth and B.) when she gets out of here, she's got a special extra bit of whoopass reserved just for them now.
In the middle of thinking about all the kickass she's going to unleash upon her captor, a light suddenly fills her vision with a dull hue as the bag is lifted off her head, and she can finally breathe "fresh" (like, who knows how fresh it really is) air again. Fuck yeah, fresh air! Then the gag is fully removed, and she shudders at the taste it leaves behind. As she greedily sucks in the freshness, she blinks, letting the world around her wink into focus. Thank someone godly that she'd decided to wear her contacts today, at least with those she can clearly see the asswipes that decided to abduct her.
As she blinks to get used to the suddenness of being able to see again, the world around her comes into focus. She's in a plain, unexciting room with brick walls and cement flooring with a ceiling that's just as boring as the rest of the place. In front of her sits a table with a lamp on it and another chair, facing her. The set up makes her feel like she's in one of those interrogations in a movie. Only two guards stand by the door, which is the only exit. Not even a damn window with bars. Well damn. The guards are inside the room so she can at the very least annoy the fuck out of them.
"Alright, who decided a bag on my head and a gag over my mouth was truly necessary? Seriously, my dudes, not cool. That was like, Kidnapping for Evil Minions 101. Sure, you want to be an asshole, but would it like go against everything you stupidly stand for to at least do it correctly? One? Okay. Both? Overkill, man, way overkill. So, which one of you did it?" she asks as she stares down Thug 1 and Thug 2. They share an incredulous look before going back to pretending they can ignore her. "Hey, by the way, which one of you can I get to stamp or sticker or sign or just fucking mark by Frequent Kidnapper's Card?"
This time their eyebrows actually go up as they look at her with such a surprised look, not at all believing her.
She shrugs. It's totally a thing honestly. The team had joked about it for the longest time before actually starting one for her. Yes, it was totally ridiculous when it was made, and maybe, probably unfeeling to anyone who was a bystander, but by joking about her many kidnappings, she's found that it actually helps keep her from being overwhelmed by total fear. Just like the way her snark and sass helps her keep her wits about her when she's in the middle of an abduction, like now, for instance. Every 3 kidnappings mean that the labs are shut down, the gym is emptied and locked, no missions, and basically no one is busy so that the whole Avengers and Co™ could have a movie day with movies of her choice in the home theater. It means a chill day so that they can all pretend that they're perfectly safe, together and that everything is still fine in the world.
"Also, who are you guys anyway? If you're those hydra bastards, for the last fucking time: I don't know jackshit about what's happening in the labs. Not Tony's. Not Bruce's. Not Helen's. Not even Jane's! I don't even work there anymore! I work in the…" she trails off as she sees the door open. Then a man walks in and her blood runs ice cold when she figures out just who decided to kidnap her. She freezes, unsure how to act now. Now, the danger is real because if he doesn't like her, she really, really could die. He doesn't need her for leverage against her people, he probably just did it for shits and giggles.
A confident swagger oozes from every step he takes as he walks further into the room. He knows he's in charge and he very much owns it. Shock green hair gelled back from his face. His bright purple jacket, which hangs low in the back and is split to look like a swallow's tale, is unbuttoned and left wide open to expose the plethora tattoos painting his chest, his various tattoos on proud display against his pale as hell skin. Bright red lips pop against his face like blood against snow, hiding metal rimmed teeth that she knows are there and twisted into an annoyed frown.
It's the goddamned, motherfucking Clown King of Gotham City.
The Joker himself.
As she watches him waltz over to the empty chair across from her, Darcy is unsure how to act, seriously unsure. After all, you know…the fucking shit? Since when exactly was she, Darcy Adeola Lewis on the fucking Joker's shit list? Sure, hydra (fuckers don't deserve the capitalization even in her own head) makes sense. She rubs elbows and knees and other things and actually lives with the Avengers and other people on their list of Top 20 People to Kill for World Domination. The Joker though? She's only been to Gotham maybe, just maybe, once or twice since leaving that place when she was a kid! What kind of beef could he possibly have with her? She's never met before this, not even once! Honestly, though, how does she play this? Does she plead and act all innocent (which she totally is as far as she knows) or does she act like nothing phases her (a.k.a. her inner wishful thinking Black Widow mode)?
She definitely opts to try for the second one.
What comes out though, is word vomit. And not even of the snark and sass variety. Just plain ass ole' word vomit. Staring at his face and exposed chest under the purple jacket and actual facts real, human, not Asgardian or serum-made, rippling pectorals, she says the literal very first thing that comes to mind.
"Well shit, you're not supposed to be hot, let alone this attractive." Seriously, Darce? she thinks. Filters are supposed to be a thing! Especially brain-to-mouth ones! Now you are in deep, deep shit—
Her inner rant is cut off by laughter. Loud, near hysterical, unrestrained, raucous, deep laughter. Laughter pouring from not just any old idiot, but from the Clown King himself. His head is thrown back with wild choruses of laughter spilling from his lips and shaking his entire frame. He laughs and laughs and laughs for at least ten minutes straight, insanity dripping from the sound with each breath he takes. By the time he's calmed down, she's got a small, nervous smile curling at her lips.
Well, whatever happens, at least she got the Joker to laugh without any physical or psychological or emotional pain on anyone's end! Can she go home now? Please and thank you.
When he's done letting out wave after wave of guffaws, he turns his wild, excited, and, dare she think it, very unhinged gaze on her, eye wide and bright and trained intently on her. His lips are spread and split into an almost unnaturally wide grin. He slaps both hands down on the table, splaying his fingers wide, as he leans close to her face, leaving only a mere 6 inches between their faces. A spine shivering fear races down her body as she meets and holds his crazed gaze.
It's silent for a moment. Then another. Then he speaks and the words take her b surprise. "I like you!" The first time he says it, it's a whisper quiet to the point that she wonders if her mind isn't just being desperate enough to sprout positive bullshit. Then he says it again, louder and slower. "I. Like. You."
A new, confused wave of fear washes over her. Holy shit. The Joker likes her.
Now what?
"Well, that's just coolsies. I mean, I am pretty fantastic, if I do say so myself! Now, there's a very important matter we must discuss," she rambles. He nods very seriously, which strongly contradicts the intrigue glimmering behind amusement in his eyes.
He sits back into his chair, leaving his forearms on the veneer of the table and lacing his fingers together. He arches an almost nonexistent eyebrow. "Oooh, and what exactly would that be, sweetcheeks?"
Getting the fuck out of here and just why I'm even here to begin with, she snaps in her head. What actually comes out, though, is this: "Why I got a gag and a bag on my head. I mean, come one! I was totally not even conscious for like…89.9% of the way here, and the part I was awake for…totally doesn't matter because I have no idea where here is!" Again, apparently her filter hasn't been fixed yet and her conscience is way more concerned about the gag/bag over the head thing than it is her actually being kidnapped. She should really get on that soon. "Really, though, one or the other usually works just fine!"
"And this would be expert advice coming from you, Tootsies, because…" He's eyeing her like he's a scientist and she's his latest experiment until the next one comes along, head tilted with clear intrigued and a faux frown pulling at his lips.
It's either stupidity or bravado or a cocktail of both (probably both. Both. Both is good.) but she somehow musters up the strength or idiocy to roll her eyes dramatically heavenwards at the easily pissed off man. "Well, yeah." Duh, is left very unsaid by sorta really implied. "This is like the…" She actually counts in her head. "7Th kidnapping in just as many months. Seriously, I already deal with the Red Monsoon each month and now kidnappings too? Really, universe? Oh! By the way, before I forget, mind stamping or signing or just like marking my Frequent Kidnapper's Card? Thanks, some bunches, buddy."
"Oooh, you have a card? Like one of those things like at a coffee shop?" Surprise and childlike interest actually sound real in his tone.
"Mmhm! Yep! Man, my team is awesomesauce. They're so fanfuckingtastic!" Her voice sounds light and airy. The fuck? Since when did she learn to keep her voice this steady and nonchalant when talking to a psychopath? They sound like they're talking about the latest Starbucks drink! She's even leaning back in her seat as comfortably as the situation and the seat allows. Her and the Joker! Okay.
Okay, she can do this. At least it's definitely shit loads better than being tortured for info. This she can do.
He's got a thoughtful look on his face. "Hmm, would you say the card has some actual benefits? You know, I just hate it when cards say deals like 'buy this many whatevers and get only half off the next one.' Nope. I need all or nothin', sugarplum. I don't like half-assed shit or the assholes offering the half-way stuff," he says resolutely with a little nod.
She can totally roll with this. "Hey, man, me too!" She even adds a very vehement nod. "I only ever go for the all-in deals. I don't like when they skimp on a sale, cuz after tax, it's like the sale didn't even exist in the first place. Nope, my card has got the whole wham, bam, shebang. I don't do half-assed shit."
He leans back in his chair and taps his chin with a finger, looking up, as though he were actually deep in thought. "So, would you say you get kidnapped often then? After all, you do have a card…speaking of which, I'd just love to sign it!" He flashes her another megawatt smile as he draws out love.
"Yay! Coolsies! Two more and I get to make Clinton and Steven watch all the Barbie movies I want! Fucking hell, yeah!" Truly, if her arms weren't tied up and he wasn't the Joker, she'd totally be askin' for a fist bump right now. Of course, reality decides to, you know, be reality, and her arms are tied up and he really is the Joker. So, instead, she just settles for a victorious beaming of the lips and a righteous upward head tilt.
"Oh, Barbie! I love her! I just wanna rip off her little blonde head and put a bullet right in her tummy, you know!" he giggles.
"Well, why do you think I'm making them my chosen films for a mandatory movie marathon?" She even does a little shrug. Honestly, she actually likes the older, classic Barbie films, like Barbie in the Nutcracker and Barbie of Swan Lake and a couple others, but she knows that Clinton has seen the films more times than he can count because of his kids and finds them truly strange and annoying, and Steven would just be so confused.
"Ooh, I like the way you think! I'm just so glad I told the boys to kidnap you. Who knew you'd be so much fun?" Another giggle.
"Hey, by the way, while we're on the topic, why did you kidnap me in the first place? Kidnapping isn't usually your style…? Isn't that usually wham, bam, you're killed dead now, Ma'am? Besides, how'd I even make it onto your shit list? Did I accidentally spit on your sidewalk or something? Cuz I haven't even been in Gotham in ages, and I didn't think you really cared much for other cities."
"Well, you know, I just felt like…broadening my horizons a bit." A crazed, glassy expression is raging in his laugh and the large, sweeping arm movements. "Besides, you're Bruce Wayne's little bastard, secret cousin that no one but a few people even knows exists, so it's not too much of a stretch, is it?"
"How'd you figure that?" Honestly, she's kinda impressed now.
"Dearie, you're looking at a genius!" Okay, so? That's normal for her. "Couple years ago, around May I think, I got bored of…well, whatever it was that I doing and…went digging for some dirt on ole' Brucie, mostly for shits and giggles. Found your file but didn't feel like doing anything 'till now." Okay, so it happened during the S.H.I.E.L.D leak, pretty understandable really.
"Oh, okay." Really, how else are you supposed to react to learning something like that, especially from a psychopath who thought kidnapping you was their idea of some funsies.
From there, they get to talking about so many different topics, from the joys of toast with butter and cinnamon to the killjoy pet peeve of too many ice cubes in an iced beverage. They both agree whole heartedly that yes, it may be iced, but they don't want it to be ice with a smidgeon of beverage on the side.
Then he does the strangest thing, something she hadn't really expected from him. Even with her running list of unexpected shit she thinks he might pull. Something that makes near absolute no sense at all, the only sense being that he's insane and unexpected is his thing. Just not this.
He lets her go.
Unharmed past the rope burn on her wrists.
And he even really does sign her card.
After only a half an hour, 30 measly minutes, he lets her go free.
He even drops her off at some not-so-sleazy and questionable street in his Lamborghini, lets her sit in the fucking comfy front seat.
"And that's literally it. I don't know why he let me go. What else do you wanna know? Can I get a cookie now?" she asks as she returns to her attempts at baking. Looking at the morsels, she can admit that they're actually hers and be proud of it. They don't look half bad really. Try as she might, Darcy never has been a very good baker or cook, but cookies have always tended to come out alright, according to literally anyone who's ever had her cooking before. Oh, and crisps, like the fruit kind with cut up fruit and buttery, sugary crumble on top kind. Those aren't too bad coming from her either.
A glance over her shoulder at the various Avengers and Co™ assembled around the kitchen island tells her that they're not buying her tale in the least. She shrugs her shoulders as she nabs the white chocolate raspberry cookies calling her name. If they don't believe her, then that's their personal choice. Sometimes the truth is more ludicrous than any lie even she could come up with, and apparently, this is one of those times. That's really just fine with her. While they stew and over analyze every detail of her story, she's definitely not going to argue. Let them. Just let her eat her damn cookies in peace. She's earned it and she will fight anyone who says otherwise.
It takes a few days, but they finally accept that she's fine, really, well and truly fine. Not even nightmares. Once they realize and actively accept that, they begin to back off a bit. Even Nat and Clinton ease off the Looks, the ones that are overanalyzing about everything she does to make certain he didn't hurt her and that she's not just lying to keep from talking about something. She knows they worry about her just as much as she does about them, especially after they get back from a mission, but this time she really is fine and can mean it.
And life goes on just like it always does.
Later, during yet another attack on the city, if Darcy sees a purple Lamborghini in the corner of her eye, accompanied by a shock of bright green, and a bullet shooting down her attackers, then at least she knows she's got a new friend and she knows she'll never have to worry about the villain of Gotham City ever again.
The King has his subjects under tight rule and doesn't like when people hurt his people.
Let me know what you think please, friends!