We, sadly, do not own Yu-Gi-Oh or it's characters. This is the property of Kazuki Takahashi-sensei, but this fan fiction was inspired by our brilliance looks around impressively. Enjoy de gozaru!
BAKURA: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
By: Thief of Darkness (Sarah Graf) and Le Phantomet: May 31, 2006
Thank you for purchasing our BAKURA Unit! To ensure your safety and enjoyment with your new unit, please follow the following instructions:
Basic Identity:
Name: Bakura (Also known as Tomb Robber, Thief, and Yami Bakura)
Date and Place of Manufacture: 3000 B.C. (Ancient Egypt, Kul Elna, Inc.), OR 2000 A.D. (Domino Companies)
Height: Average (About 5'7")
Weight: Light, but fit
Your BAKURA unit will come with the following items:
Ancient Egyptian Garb:
One red and gold robe
One tunic bottom
Three bottles of sun tanning lotion
Five pounds of gold jewelry (bracelets, necklaces, anklets, belts, etc.)
One pair sandals
One scimitar
Modern Garb:
One black trench coat
One striped white and blue t-shirt
One pair blue jeans
Two pair socks
One pair sneakers
BAKURA also has the Millennium Ring, and five bottles of hair gel, which are used for both sets of clothing.
When in arrival, your BAKURA unit will be scrupulously clean, but very thin. This is quite normal, and his belongings should stay that way, and he just needs three square meals a day and your BAKURA unit will be fit in no time!
Programming:
This BAKURA unit is very versatile and can do many more things than "that darn Pharaoh".
Thief: You wan t to steal something? Your BAKURA unit would happily do the job! He can jump buildings, shimmy up walls, and do amazing acrobatics! (If you don't give him something to steal at least once a week, you will find some of your belongings missing)
Trainer: This BAKURA unit is quite the physical trainer, and he makes outstanding workout sessions. You can make some money by enrolling him as a P.E. teacher at the nearest school! (Though you may get some complaints from parents about broken arms and demolished egos)
Duelist: Got a tournament to go to? Send in your BAKURA unit to do the job for you! He is an accomplished duelist, and he can create his own strategies.
Bodyguard: Your BAKURA unit is a skilled fighter, and can fight with any known weapon (even the "evil salad tongs", but he prefers a scimitar and his own hands. Though he may annoy the poo out of you, he is very loyal and will protect you and any small helpless children if in danger. If co-creator of BAKURA unit is hurt or anywhere near him, he will defend her with his life.
Modes of personality: (You can choose your own default mode)
Sadistic
Prankster
Kind/friendly (as close as it can get)
Angry
Extremely Angry
Ancient Egyptian
Warning: BAKURA UNIT prefers hot and dry climates, and will become angry if his preferences are not met.
Warning2: If there is anybody that is or looks like BAKURA unit's co-creator, he will shift into his extremely rare possessive mode, and will kill anybody that comes within ten feet of his co-creator. So, please remove all look-alikes from the room.
Warning3: If provoked, BAKURA will go into Extremely Angry mode and finally into Ancient Egyptian mode, and he will disappear in a rage and will eventually come back to you in his millennium ring (this means he fought the PHARAOH unit and was beaten) So, please refrain from making your BAKURA unit angry.
Warning: there is absolutely no slash setting on this BAKURA unit or any unit associates with the creators.
Other units and relations:
BAKURA unit is naturally very rude and unsociable, so few units get along with him.
Pharaoh Atem (A.K.A. Yami): A young Pharaoh of ancient Egypt. Always annoys BAKURA unit with justice talks. If near each other, all heck would break loose. Do not put in same room. Ever.
Motou Yugi: YUGI unit always annoys BAKURA unit, but he will not be abusive. He has actually been known to help YUGI unit every once in a while.
Kaiba Seto: In both ages, BAKURA calls the KAIBA unit "big-headed, snobby, and an incompetent mortal". Do not leave in the same room, or many objects and people will indefinitely go to the Shadow Realm.
Jonouchi Katsuya: Never, ever put in the same room! If they are, BAKURA unit would go into rare perverted mode, and talk about JONOUCHI unit's younger sister, eventually provoking him, and a result in JONOUCHI unit's death. Unfortunately once this mode activated it will stay into the programming and it can not be reversed.
Bakura Ryou: BAKURA unit's lighter half. And with that in mind, he looks after him. He really does care about his hikari unit, and actually gets along with him fairly well.
Cleaning:
No steps are needed! Just lead your BAKURA unit to the nearest bathroom with a bath or shower, and explain modern plumbing. All needed in cleaning: towel, soap, shampoo (unscented), and washcloth. Do not attempt to wash him at any time.
Warning for those who enjoy peeping at people in the bath: this BAKURA unit hates being watched while bathing, and will send anybody who is spying on him to the Shadow Realm for a week (or longer).
Warning for those who are possessive of their property: If you let the co-creator near him before bathing you will never see him again.
Energy:
BAKURA unit will eat just about anything, though he prefers meat above all else, so have at least on choice of meat during each meal.
Warning: Do not feed BAKURA unit leeks or let him anywhere near salad tongs.
Frequently asked questions:
Q: My BAKURA unit keeps yelling about "that beep PHARAOH" unit and is regularly going to the tanning salon. What is wrong?
A: No need to worry. This phenomenon is simply the Ancient Egyptian mode. He will soon dress in his Ancient Egyptian garb, and many jewelry stores will be robbed. He will soon have a momentous battle with the PHARAOH and MILLENIUM PRIESTS units, and will lose. He will come back to you in his Millennium Ring, and he will refuse to come out because of shame. So, please have a RYOU unit at hand, and he can convince your BAKURA unit to come out.
Q. Whenever I start making salad and when I serve my BAKURA unit salad along with his dinner, he screams and sends my salad, tongs and all, to the Shadow Realm. Can you help; I'm running out of carrots!
A. That regrettably cannot be fixed. BAKURA has a bad past with carrots and salad tongs. Let's just say that the co-creator was moody that day.
Q. When my BAKURA unit comes out of the shower, he asks me to brush his hair which I happily agree to do. Of course since he says "can't do it right", but when I start up the hair dyer, he screams and flees from the room in terror. Help my BAKURA unit and myself to overcome this glitch.
A. Well, we do not have the answer, but Dear Abby sure does! Okay… Seriously…Is that possible?
Q. My BAKURA unit stiffens and refuses to reply when I mention Kul Elna…Why? Does he not trust me?
A. Did you already know of Kul Elna? You baka! Just kidding…heh. We would include a pamphlet of his past with these instructions, but we fear for our lives to much to divulge this in formation. Just wait in time and he'll explain…when he feels comfortable.
Q. My BAKURA unit was near my new PHARAOH unit when a battle commenced. Both of their ka and ba are dwindling. How can I stop it?
A. What are you doing, having those two in the same room! Try throwing a squirrel at them. It works! (Be careful about rabies and furniture. We are not responsible for damaged property caused by the poor, innocent, possessed squirrel.)
Trouble shooting:
Problem: My BAKURA unit has been disappearing at night, and has attempted to steal Millennium items.
Solution: There is nothing we can do about this, we're afraid. This results in a huge battle between the nearest PHARAOH unit and BAKURA, and in the destruction of your unit. You do get a free replacement, though.
Problem: My BAKURA unit has started running around with a spoon in his hand and chopsticks up his nostrils, saying, "I'm Super-Walrus!"
Solution: This is a slight glitch in the program. Just show him a picture of the co-creator, and he will be just fine. Do not show BAKURA unit anything other than a picture.
Problem: BAKURA has started wearing women's lingerie and has started acting like a female.
Solution: There might have been an accidental gender switch. Has he been going to any cursed Egyptian tombs lately? If so, hit him over the head with his Millennium Ring. When he wakes up, give him some medium rare steak. If he doesn't get back to normal within five minutes, kiss him on the lips (if you're a girl). That will jerk his manliness back into place, and you will have your normal BAKURA unit back!
Your BAKURA unit will last 5,000 years at most, and we hope you have a very…ah…interesting life with him, or your money back!
Preview: Next time Sarah-Chan shall explain the millennium items you never heard about…Along with Le Phantomet-San. A Millennium thong? sees Tea run around with a gold thong over her skirt.