A/N: Pure crack. That's it. This is in which Lord Voldemort gets his own TV cooking show cause why the fuck not.
Further notes:
Bold text is for names of whoever is speaking.
[ ] - brackets show cues, sounds, visuals, and such. Stage directions, basically.
Italicized text is for singing and/or for spells. Or sometimes, I use it on the roman numerals to separate sections.
I.
[A black screen.]
Abraxas Malfoy - Announcer & Voiceover: Ladies and gentlemen, witches and wizards, allow me to present our awesome show, Voldy's Cooking Show!
[Cue applause and title opening.]
II.
[Cue title opening song. Several ladies in sparkling silver dresses surround a single microphone.]
[Bottom left of screen says: "Directed by a terrible director." Fades while ladies sing.]
Ginny Weasley - Lead Singer:
You can't cook!
You can't dance!
You can't run from Voldy's gifted hands
As his wand lights up gre—ennnnnn!
Bellatrix Lestrange - Guest Singer:
Like your pretty eyes!
[Cue mad crackling.]
[Curtain drop in front of the singers.]
[Bottom right of screen says: "Written by Penelope Grace who has been Avada by Dark Lord." Fades.]
[A slowly turning piano rises up onto the stage with a woman in a sparkly red dress lounging across the piano. She rolls her eyes and begins to sing as the song slowly switches tempo from a fast-paced beat to a melodic, soothing rhythm. The piano stops spinning with the woman facing the audience.]
[Bottom left of screen says: "Starring Tom M. Riddle as Lord Voldemort." Fades.]
Hermione Granger - Assistant:
You can try all you want
To please him.
You can try all you want
To be him.
You can tryyyyy all you want
To.
[Miss Granger pushes herself up.]
Be.
[Miss Granger stands up on the piano.]
The master.
[She holds the note.]
Of—
[She holds the note even longer, her arms spreading out to the audience.]
Voldy's Cooking Showwwwwww!
[Curtain drop.]
[Bottom right says: And Hermione Granger as the assistant. Fades.]
[Cue title card.]
III.
[Camera cuts to empty kitchen set.]
Abraxas Malfoy - Announcer & Voiceover: Ladies and gentlemen, our esteemed guests, please welcome our beloved and beautiful assistant, Hermione Granger!
[In a stunning floor-length green evening dress made of silk, Hermione Granger walks from stage right and waves to the audience. She stops gliding and stands in front of the microphone, waiting for the applause to end.]
Hermione Granger - Assistant: Assistant, huh, Abraxas? You know I'm not going to be here for very long! One of these days, one of these days!
[Cue laughter track.]
Hermione Granger: You lot think it's funny, but I'm going to get my own show one of these days. Anyway, until then, Mr. Little Ego Problem wants to be announced with his stupid titles. As if he needs anymore inflation to his head.
[Cue awkward silence.]
Hermione Granger: Anyway, let's get this show over. Allow me to present, the one, the only, the immortal, the all-powerful Dark Lord, the eternal Lord Voldemort!
[Cue applause.]
[With not even a sound, Lord Voldemort appears right behind Hermione Granger.]
Lord Voldemort: You forgot one detail, Miss Granger.
Hermione Granger: I don't forget details.
Lord Voldemort: I'm also otherworldly.
Hermione Granger: Okay?
Lord Voldemort: And my powers are awesome. And I am very attractive. I ooze charisma.
Hermione Granger: Should I bring you a thesaurus?
[A beat.]
Lord Voldemort: Yes, if you can't find new words to describe me. You can't possibly have enough words in your brain to truly grasp the magnificence of me.
[Miss Granger rolled her eyes.]
Hermione Granger: The show needs to go on, My Lord.
Lord Voldemort: Right, right.
[He looks at the audience.]
Lord Voldemort: Our season finale today presents one of the richest wizards in the world, a seer who can see the future, a Potions professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, a few Ministry of Magic morons, and last of all, a few special guests from my rival cooking shows.
[The audience boos.]
Lord Voldemort: They will never defeat me.
[He stands confident. Miss Granger raises her wand.]
Miss Granger: Let the cookoff begin!
[A green spark flies to the center of the stage, exploding into a billion of dazzling lights.]
IV.
[Camera cuts to Kitchen Area 1. A blonde wizard with a long cane glances around at the large kitchen with slight approval.]
Abraxas Malfoy - Voiceover: Presenting one of the richest wizards in the world, allow me to introduce Lucius Malfoy!
Lucius Malfoy: Abraxas, what are you doing here?
Abraxas Malfoy: Tom dragged me into this. What are you doing here?
Lord Voldemort [from offstage]: It's Lord Voldemort! Or "My lord," Abraxas!
Lucius Malfoy: I need more hair shampoo. Cissy wouldn't let me buy any more. So I need to win the grand prize.
[Lord Voldemort Apparates to Lucius' side. He drops a recipe on the counter. The right half of the screen shows a copy of the recipe for audience to view.]
Lord Voldemort: This is the potion you must make, Mr. Malfoy. You have thirty minutes to make it, understood?
[Lucius Malfoy nods.]
Lord Voldemort: Do you have any objections?
Lucius Malfoy: No, my lord.
[Lord Voldemort Disappartes.]
[Camera zooms in on Lucius Malfoy's face. His eyes grow wider and wider as he reads down the page again. He looks up in horror.]
[Screen flicks to another camera. Miss Granger and Lord Voldemort sit around a table, both drinking tea.]
Miss Granger: One minute.
Lord Voldemort: Ten seconds from now.
Lucius Malfoy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
[Both Lord Voldemort and Miss Granger are undisturbed.]
Miss Granger: That was four seconds.
Lord Voldemort: I was closer.
[Lord Voldemort Disapparates and Apparates at Lucius Malfoy's kitchen area.]
Lucius Malfoy: This. RECIPE. CALLS. FOR. LIVE. WHITE. PEACOCKS!
[Lucius Malfoy quickly brings out his wand from his cane.]
Lucius Malfoy: ACCIO PEACOCKS!
[Twelve white birds fly to Lucius Malfoy, knocking him over. Lord Voldemort casually watches with mild bemusement. He snaps his finger, and a box with a switch lowers itself from above. He pushes the bottom, and a panel underneath Lucius Malfoy opens. He screams as he falls down.]
Lord Voldemort: I presume he does not need anymore shampoo now.