Contrition
By: Phoenix Shae
DISCLAIMER: Xena, Warrior Princess isn't mine, unfortunately. No profit is being made from this story, so please don't sue me! (All you'll get is some lint, a penny, and a stick of gum, anyway.) Enjoy!
(a/n: This story takes place right before the beginning of the series, after Xena has decided to turn from the darkness to the light. Be nice!)
Where do I turn now? It seems as though nothing I can do will ever repay the damage and pain I've caused to so many. I feel so broken, so lost and alone. No matter how hard I try to move on, I seem to be trapped by the life I used to lead and labeled as the person that I used to be; I want so badly to forget the monster I once was.
For so long I was ensnared by the darkness that I don't know if I can ever really find the light again. How do you go on when you fear what tomorrow brings? How can I ever forgive myself for the evil I've done?
It's raining today, and I can't help but think about things as the torrents tumble from the dark sky. Sometimes I'm afraid that this new me is just the calm before the storm. I fear that the quiet peace is only temporary, the trick to take fools unaware before the real damage begins. I shouldn't feel this way, I know, but can one really change after so long in the darkness? There are so many unanswered questions, so many doubts still filling my mind even though I know I'm making the right decision.
What happened to the happy little girl I used to be? Once upon a time, things were different. I wasn't consumed by anger and a lust for violence and revenge. I never dreamt that one day I would be afraid to return home; I never imagined that there would be no place for me to belong. The great warrior princess afraid of something—wouldn't they get a kick out of that one?
I know in my heart, no longer made of stone, that I deserve to die for all the terrible things I've done. But that would be too easy; death would only be an escape for the hardships I'm determined to face head-on. I will strive for their forgiveness, but how can I ever expect it from them? I know I wouldn't forgive myself if I were them, and I know I'll never forgive myself now.
No one knows; no one can understand what I'm going through and the challenges I'm going to face. It's only the beginning and yet, sometimes I just want to take the easy way out. But then I'm reminded why I need so desperately to change. I've destroyed families and left small children orphaned. I've ravaged villages and killed innocent people. I've let anger control me, and I've lived with judgment on the end of a sword. But no more.
I've decided that tomorrow, the old Xena will die forever; I'm doing away with every reminder of the past I regret so desperately. After that, maybe I'll try to find a small village to stay for a while, somewhere where the Reign of Terror that Xena carried out hasn't been told time and time again. Then I have to face what I fear most—Amphipolis and what I've left behind there; how can I go back? Maybe I'll find the strength somewhere; maybe I'll get that extra push in the right direction from someone or something in that little village—Poteidia, I think it's called...