I do not own twilight, and thank goodness cause twilight sucks. (I didn't capitalize twilight because it is not worthy of my capitalizations.)
For all that I have learnt from my sister, twilight is a corny story between a vampire and an ugly girl. Here is what I would write if I were Stephanie Meyers.
Bella's POV: I'm so ugly. I know I won't get a real boyfriend, so I'm gonna go and find myself an imaginary boyfriend. I shall name him Edgay. Nah, that might be offensive. I'll name him Ed-Wart. Yes, my beautiful Ed-Wart. I shall make him a level 3 fire goblin. Nah, only noobs choose level 3 fire goblin. I shall choose myself a gay vampire. He will be a level 3 vampire! He will be powerful. He will be my boyfriend.
Ed-Wart's POV: As I fought my way across the battlefield, I felt a tugging in the sweater that Mommy made for me. By the way, my mom was dead, but I revived her by finding the 3 pebbles of life. One in the Sahara Desert, one in the burial chamber of Pharaoh Tuttwilightsucks, and one in your mom's bedroom, I thank you.(Austin Powers) Anyway, to my great surprise, my body was lifted into the air and the next thing I knew I was in a little house with an ugly girl peering over me. "Um, hello there" I say in the coolest voice possible. (It's not every day you get to talk to a girl.) "My name is Ed-Wart. Do you want to play Runescape (best game ever) with me? My account is a level 29 magician. (It was actually level 18, but I was afraid that she might not respect me if she knew that I was under level 20.)
Bella's POV: OH! He was so ugly! Almost as ugly as me! He was perfect! If only he knew that I had a level 29 Runescape account, then my life would be complete! Today Ed-Wart and I went out to the movies! We watched this really stupid movie called twilight. There were stupid girls all over the place giggling and writing reviews for their fan fics. Well here would be my review:
Dear twilight Obsessed Girls With No Life,
The movie was the worst thing I have ever seen. Turns out that it is based on a book called twilight. Man, that book must suck ass.
Anyway, Ed-Wart said that he was glad nonetheless that he went because he got to spend time with me. That's so cute.(Pay attention Stephanie Meyers, that's how you do real romance.)
What the f(use your imagination)k! Ed-Wart broke up with me today! He said that it was too awkward that I was 8 whole Runescape levels above him. He said that it would never work. He said that that he must return to the land of Runescape, and fight for his leader, Rick Astley (Rick Roll) He also told me that I sucked more than twilight, which was an insult so harsh, that I cried for hours.
It's ten years later, and I'm even more ugly. I have become a twilight freak, and all I do is read twilight fan f(use your vivid imagination)ks. Ed-Wart is now a level 59 magician (I'm level 86) and I have never talked to him since. Probably because I am too ugly. (Autobiography of Stephanie Meyers.)
Admit it, my story is kick-ass. Please feel free to review because I know you all are very eager to agree with my philosophy. My philosophy… that twilight sucks!
You can leave your vivid reviews at my email: stupidtwilight(at)gmail(dot)com.