Thunder rumbled across the night sky, and the patter of rain pounded on the roof of the dojo. A figure, content under the warmth of her blankets, slept deeply, heedless of the loud crashes and the constant beating of the shower outside. A flash of lightning lit the face of a man who quietly knelt at the lady's side, particularly the cross-shaped scar on his right cheek. The booming crashes of thunder were more than enough to cover the click of metal as the figure unsheathed his blade. His golden eyes stared back in the shiny steel of the katana, and he raised it above his head…she didn't even scream.
"NO!" I screamed, throwing my blankets and leaping out of my bed. The thunder no doubt hid my cry, because no one came running to see what had ailed the red haired samurai. I ran to my shoji and almost ripped the frail rice paper as I threw it open and dashed down the hall. "Kami, let Kaoru-dono be alright," I prayed. "Please!"
Skidding to an almost comic stop in front of her shoji door, I managed to take a few deep, calming breaths before opening it. If she wasn't dead…no…if she saw me rip open her door like some crazed maniac, I'd be locked in the storage shed for months.
"Kaoru-dono?" I whispered hesitantly, easing open the door with a slight click. She didn't seem to have a katana sticking out of her chest, so I guess that was a plus…and when I saw the quiet rise and fall of her chest in peaceful slumber, I nearly wept in relief.
I simply watched her, content to be in her presence without her knowledge. The way her hands curled into gentle fists, the quiet sighs that escaped her, the soft flush of her cheeks and the muted and no doubt tender words she was whispering to the wind…it was almost all too much to bear. Battousai practically screamed and raged for me to take her, and I had to bit my lip harsh enough to draw blood to avoid agreeing.
I love her; everyone knew that but she, and they aren't happy about that latter fact. But, even with the constant encouragement, pleads…threats…I just can't seem to bring myself to tell her. Even with Battousai in me raging and the way my heart breaks in two when I hear her sobs at night, I just can't find the courage to confess. Why? Why?
Sure, everyone thinks they know, but they don't. I tenderly caress her forehead, brushing aside some of her silky bangs and even allowing myself to kiss her softly on the cheek-a feather light touch that I know she wasn't able to be awakened by. Besides, in cases of thunderstorms, she usually refuses to awaken, forcing herself to sleep as soundly as Yahiko and Sanosuke. My hand lingers on her cheek, and my eyes darken with remorse at the train of my unstoppable mental babbling.
Everyone thinks they know why I don't tell Kaoru the truth. They all whisper to each other that I must fell as though I am too guilty, stained, old, the list could go on for hours. Somehow they don't think that I hear or notice the rumors. And perhaps they are right-I am an ex-hitokori with many lives on his hands, and I do happen to be 10 years older than she. However, as true and as fundamental as they may be, they are wrong.
Why do I push her away, this girl who is my life, my soul, my reason for existing? Why do I constantly hurt her, and myself? Yes, it may be to protect her-anyone who gets attached to a murderer risks the chance of death, and I'd die myself than have her hurt. Yes, it may be because I am a rurouni who does not know when he will leave-although I continually find that aspect harder to grasp at each of her smiles, frowns, taunts, laughs…every blasted time I find myself drowning in her eyes. I even considered waking her, just to see those brilliant orbs. I refused to do so-but it was getting harder each night.
But they are all wrong. No matter how sure they are of my reasons, I have to admit, they aren't as dignified as that. I gently take her hand, stiffening as she stirs, but relaxing as it subsides, her muttering words that I longed to hear but couldn't.
No matter what they think, I'm afraid my reason of leaving her in the dark cannot be as noble as they think. Yes, I am willing to give up my happiness for her safety, but that is only a minor factor in the scheme of things.
I am a coward. People may think differently of me, after all, I am the famed Battousai-the best swordsman in Japan, the man who struck fear in the hearts of men and beasts everywhere during the Bakamatsu. But sadly, it is the truth- I am nothing but a coward.
Tomoe's death was the end of my life as Battousai, her blood splattered on the snow stained in my heart, mind and hands forever, but she was never mine. Perhaps she loved me, but her fiancée, ironically the one I killed, would be forever the only true holder of her heart. Oddly, that fact doesn't sting me as I found it did before-the burn of jealousy, not because she loved another, but because she had someone to love, not as sharp. I think I have a certain gorgeous, fiery kendo master to thank for that. Nevertheless, I did love Tomoe-and her death did open a wound in me, one that has yet to be healed completely.
Kaoru's 'death' flashed before my eyes, and I grip her hand a little too tightly, resulting in a soft moan before she turned over and slumbered peacefully again. Seeing her body pinned to the wall destroyed me in a way that Tomoe's death never could have. It scared me, frightened me in a way that I never thought possible. And it was then I knew that I loved this girl more than anyone I've ever met in all my wretched life, valued her life and happiness above all other's…but mine.
I'm not the happiest guy in Japan, far from it in fact. However, the tiny shred of happiness in my being is something I find myself clinging to like it was my last lifeline. Only one person can take it away, and that's the girl I currently gazed over, asleep and oblivious. I might protest about protecting her, but in reality, it is myself whom I am protecting. I couldn't bear to lose her, my single scrap of happiness too precious to be taken away. If she died, her death would no doubt affect me more than Tomoe's, simply because of the fact that I love her like I have loved no other. It would not only be the submission of one part of me this time, but the demise of the entire me-Himura Kenshin's whole being and soul. How can I risk it? I fear too much what would happen to me if she were to be taken away.
No, I am not scared that she doesn't return my feelings-I'm not that stupid, contrary to popular belief…coughsanocough. She refuses to stop loving me, and I am selfish and I love that fact. No man can take her away from me because she loves me, and I her, and no person and their army can come between me and what is mine. Maybe that is consolation to my enraged alter ego. Kamiya Kaoru falling in love with another is an idea I find hard to believe because, again, I am selfish and I relish the fact that she will not leave me for another.
Perhaps that will give me enough time to realize that which Battousai already knows-she has the power to make the tiny scrap of happiness grow and flourish under her tender adoration. Maybe then I will finally gain the courage to tell her how I feel…and become as brave as everyone in Japan so falsely believes.
I kiss her cheek again, lingering longer than I usually did. I whispered a loving goodnight in her ear, and even venture so far as so say the words that she has longed to hear for so long, and the words I have longed to say.
"Aishiteru- Kaoru-koishi," I murmured again, brushing back her messy bangs. I reached again to tuck her comfortably and bend in for a kiss…freezing as I realized…
Her eyes were open, her sapphire eyes regarding me with a soft gaze.
Author's Ramble-- Oooh, a cliffhanger! Well, if I get enough reviews, I… might…do a sequel…I'm thinking something in Kaoru's point of view. With luck, I can keep switching it, and make it resemble some good writing... Please, tell me what you think-it's the longest fic I've posted, and I'm slightly nervous…