Um, hi. This is my first RK fic, a.k.a. Ailin's VERY belated b-day fic. I'm so sorry, but tests always get in the way…haha. Anyway, enjoy ^^. Spoilers for the Kyoto Arc. Mild shounen-ai (oi, its Kamatari and Shishio we're talking 'bout here) and this is from Kamatari's p.o.v. ^^ Also, it's slightly depressing, but that's me. ^^
Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin belongs to Nobuhiro Watsuki and others. I'm just a poor fan who is not making any money out of this. This is fanfiction by fans, for fans.
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Heaven Unfounded
By Char
- *****
To be loved is Bliss
To love is Pain
*****
I am a cloud. My life is transient, a passing moment in the life of the universe. I tried so hard to make something out of it, but I ended up where I started a long time ago.
He was the Sun. He burned and raged perpetually, the Lord of the Morning whose destiny was to reign over this world, and leave a blazing trail of light wherever he went. The very sight of him brought joy into my life.
When did I notice him? I can't remember. I just looked up into the sky one day, trying to see beyond my world of blue skies and birds, and he was there, bright and defiant, Slave to no one, not even fate.
He never noticed me. Not until I showed my skills as a warrior. And from that moment on, I knew, that for him to notice me, I had to be the strongest.
At sixteen, I joined the Juppon Gatana. I would stand by his side as the country fell to its knees in the face of its new master. And as I was formally accepted, a thought shot across my mind.
Perhaps… perhaps this was the heaven I had been looking for.
But it wasn't meant to be. I found out that he had a lover, by the name of Komagata Yumi. The Moon. The Sun's lover. A woman with sensuality that could match and even control, to some extent, his rage and red-hot fire.
The first time I saw her, I knew that I had lost. She had the very one thing I didn't. A woman's body. He deserved nothing less than the touch of a real woman. I knew that. He was not mine, no matter how much I wished it would be otherwise.
And I heard Okaasan's words ringing in the recesses of my memory again. Words from so long ago.
"Kama-chan, you must remember, to be loved is bliss, but to love, that's pain."
"But Kaasan! Then what is to have loved and was loved?"
"Ah, that. That is…heaven…"
He wasn't the heaven I had been looking for, but I loved him all the same. It hurt, you know, to see the one you love hold another in his arms. Kiss another. It was like being burnt by ice, feeling that cold sense of dread and that peculiar ache come over you, and spread through your whole body, leaving you helpless.
And it burnt worse than fire.
He knew. Of course he knew, being as intelligent as he was. But he never did say anything. He left me to my daydreams and that eternal ache in my heart.
So I trained, to become the strongest in the Juppon Gatana. For him, and him alone. But I failed. No matter how much I trained, I could never surpass the skill of Seta Soujiro, Tenken and protegee of Shishio Makoto. I had lost. Again.
At first I hated the boy. He had Shishio-sama's trust. That which I yearned for. Later, as time went by, the hate died, replaced by pity. I pitied the boy. We were alike in many ways, both being clouds. But unlike me, he loved the Sun like a mentor, a father. The father he never had. And like me, he would give everything, but never receive. He would love, and he would die loving.
That's why we are clouds. We can never have the heaven we yearn for.
And I asked the skies, why was fate so cruel to me? I didn't mind being his second, or third, or fourth, but he would never have it. He only wanted the best. To him, only the strongest survived. The strong and the stronger would perish with the weak.
I
would perish with the weak.And he didn't care. Not at all. But he was the Sun. And the Sun never cared.
I killed for him, dirtied my hands with the blood of his enemies, just for him. I had always hoped that, one day, he would realise that besides the Moon, there was a cloud who had always loved him, and would till the end of time.
But he never did realise. He never had the time to, I suppose. It was always conquering Japan and defeating Battousai that was on his mind. He was obsessed with defeating Battousai.
I think I actually envied Battousai, you know. He was always on Shishio-sama's mind.
When he sent us to the Aoiya to get rid of our enemies, I had thought, he will finally notice me. But it didn't happen that way. I was actually defeated by two girls, one with kunai and one with a boken. My scythe broke. My other weapon didn't help me much. I had wanted to kill myself, to spare myself the humiliation of facing him in defeat.
I didn't succeed in that either. The two girls stopped me by knocking me out. They thought they had saved me.
I can almost laugh.
Those two girls can never understand how I feel. How is it like to know that the one you love does not love you in return. How is it like to have to face the one you are desperately trying to gain acceptance from, in defeat.
Because they are women by nature. God had given them women's bodies to love the men they chose.
Something I couldn't do. I was a woman, trapped in a man's body. And that prevented him from loving me back. That prevented me from being with him.
Sometimes, living can be more painful than dying…
Then he died. Spontaneously combusted. The man I once loved with my whole being, now reduced to a pile of ash. I never even had a chance to say goodbye, to see him again. I couldn't bear the thought. So I thought of ending my life once again.
But he stopped me. Chou. An undercover agent, an ex-Juppon Gatana member. He told me that Shishio-sama would not have wanted me to die. I was the only one capable of being my beloved's storyteller, to spread his legend to all.
I was not a woman, nor was I the strongest, but I was the only one left who could take on the job.
And so, for his sake, and his alone…
I live on…
~OWARI~
Yay! Finally finished it! Depressing, ne? Well, have a nice day. C & C can be sent to
weirdgirl85@hotmail.com. Flames will be sent to the fire-eater in the circus.18/5/00~ 1620
P.S.: I know the title doesn't make sense. Don't ask how I got it. It was just there, okay? ^^