Nitpicks: Evil Speaks Out
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Voldemort
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"Come out, Harry...come out and play, then...it will be quick...it might be painless...I wouldn't know...I have never died..."
--Tom Marvolo Riddle, aka Lord Voldemort, aka He Who Must Not Be Named, aka You-Know-Who, in an attempt to murder one Harry Potter
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that a true villain, in possession of a good and thorough sense of evil, must be horribly bashed in several fan fictions. Oh, look at me! Getting caught up in my obsession with Jane Austen again. I'm quite incorrigible, you know. But more to the point: what can I say? I, Lord Voldemort, am one hundred percent evil. And, you know what? I love it! I have a great time going out and being bad! No Papa's boy here, that stupid Muggle.
Now, upon reflection, I realized that I am portrayed in so many different ways, and all of them against my character (well, almost all of them), that it would be a foolhardy thing to try and contradict all of them. So why contradict any? No, instead, you'll all just have to settle for a good, wholesome, life story.
Once upon a time, there was a little boy-me. And my Daddy was a stupid, son of a-Muggle, and my Mommy died giving birth to said little boy, so said little boy had to grow up in an orphanage. There, he was mistreated and shunned, because he was odd. Then, one day, he got accepted to a school...
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"I was your rat...I was a good pet."
--Peter Pettigrew, in an attempt to save his own miserable life.
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I'll come right out and say it...my life is a mess! Okay, happy now? Now you know that the little person you just love to hate is completely unhappy! I live in fear of being killed, but I can't run away, because if I do, I will be killed, and I can't stay where I am, because I'll be killed. I can't find help, because anyone I ask will kill me, if they don't already think I'm dead, which most people do.
Now can I ask all you authors a question? What's with the rat boy thing? All right, so I spend twelve years of my miserable life as a rat! I spent much more as a human! And in case you didn't know, you don't pick your animagus form! It chooses you. Ha!
As a boy, I worshipped Sirius, James, and Remus. In contradiction to many reports, I didn't go sneaking off behind their backs the first day at Hogwarts. That was the second day, I thank you! Truthfully, though, I really did like them. Shame things had to turn out the way they did. But my master did have a crush on both James and Lily, so I decided they had to go. I loved him too much to risk anything.
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"Listen to me, reliving family history...Why, I am growing quite sentimental..."
--Tom Marvolo Riddle, aka Lord Voldemort, aka He Who Must Not Be Named, aka You-Know-Who, while waiting for his Death Eaters
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The worst day of my life was when "My Little Pony" was canceled. It had been the only thing that kept me going during times of crisis. But then I discovered "The Gummi Bears" and everything was *almost* okay again.
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"Naughty, naughty, you'll get caughty."
--Peeves the Poltergeist, in threatening Ronald Weasley, Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, and Neville Longbottom (which is a real last name...can you imagine?)
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Peeves: Knock, knock.
You: Who's there?
Peeves: Banana.
You: Banana who?
Peeves: Knock, knock.
You: Who's there?
Peeves: Banana.
You: Banana who?
Peeves: Knock, knock.
You: Who's there?
Peeves: Banana.
You: Banana who?
Okay, okay. I know I'm supposed to be serious, but that's just so hard. As you all undoubtedly know, being the Harry Potter know-it-alls you say you are. Ha-rumph. I have some serious nitpicking to do.
What is up wid choo, boys and girls? I, Peeves, am de bomb! Yeah! And yet, how much attention to I get? Oh? What was that? Did I hear a...ZERO?!
Ya-huh. I am probably one of the most neglected characters on fan fiction net. Now, why is that, I ask? Am I not funny, adorable, loving, and, in a word, awesome? But how many stories am I the center of? Try counting. (Hint: you can use one hand).
I don't see what everyone hates about me, really. I only try to spice up everyone's lives. Please, just write a story about me, show me you care! I won't throw chalk pellets at you for a whole day! Promise. Hehe.
Peeves: Knock, knock.
You: Who's there?
Peeves: Orange.
You: Orange who?
Peeves: Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
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"How touching..."
--Tom Marvolo Riddle, aka Lord Voldemort, aka He Who Must Not Be Named, aka You-Know-Who, in an attempt to steal the Philosopher's Stone
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I was always a rather bright child. I taught myself to sing at age six. I remember, I used to roam about the dormitory, singing at the top of my lungs. Mary Poppins was my inspiration.
"For a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. The medicine go down, medicine go down..."
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"The name of Malfoy still commands a certain respect, yet the Ministry grows ever more meddlesome."
--Lucius Malfoy to Mr. Borgin of Borgin and Burkes
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I am dead tired of all the abuse I receive in the stories that are written on this horrid Muggle neb-site. That's what you call them, isn't it? No matter. I'm here to tell you that my illustrious character has been vastly misused.
It has reached my noble ears that several of you are under the impression that I beat my son, Draco, because he is weak and is not a faithful follower of the dark lord who is my master. I've come to make such a report universally squishie-poohed.
First of all, my son is no weakling. NO Malfoy is a weakling. In fact, I'm quite proud of Draco. There are times, of course, that come around in which I feel the urge to beat him. But I would never do it, personally. I get my servants to do the deed. I have so many it hardly makes a difference if one of them happens to be off duty for a while.
I do not only hate Arthur Weasley because he's a Muggle-loving dummy butt. He also exposed my most terrifying secret to the whole of Hogwarts. I wear pink underwear featuring polka-dotted elephants. And I'm damn proud of it.
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"...there have always been those willing to let me into their hearts and minds."
--Tom Marvolo Riddle, aka Lord Voldemort, aka He Who Must Not Be Named, aka You-Know-Who, on the miserable state he had been reduced to
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My number one favorite thing to do in the whole world (that is, when I'm off duty, and killing people mercilessly isn't an option), is to play patty-cake. The sounds and movements of the hands...it's such a neglected art. My heart thumps with emotion each time I play.
When I was recovering with the help of my not-so-faithful servant Wormtail, we used to play all the time. I even taught Nagini the game. She loves it too, I think.
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"I pride myself on not opening my mouth. I have nothing to say to you."
--Well, what did you expect? I don't think he's ever said anything! I had to make it up!
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Um, you'll excuse me, but I don't have much to say. I'm a rather shy person. Having everyone stare at you for hundreds of years can have that effect.
What I'm here to do is really elaborate on Peeves' rant. All of we ghosts are sadly unappreciated, and alone in the world of Harry Potter fan fiction. If one person would just take it upon himself or herself to write a fan fiction about me, even if it was about the way I died! And I never like to tell people about the way I died. It's embarrassing, really. Enough said.
And you know, just because I'm a Slytherin ghost doesn't mean I'm evil. I'm a surprisingly sweet ghoul, once you get to know me better. And not all Slytherins are evil, you know. There are the semi-evil ones too. You might have heard of one of these said semi-evil Slytherins. We sent one of them off to act as a Muggle American on a TV program, "Survivor", I think it was called. Richard. Oh, wait a second, I'm so sorry. I'm wrong. Richard was one of the fully evil ones.
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"Harry Potter has kindly joined us for my rebirthing party. One might go so far as to call him my guest of honor."
--Tom Marvolo Riddle, aka Lord Voldemort, aka He Who Must Not Be Named, aka You-Know-Who, upon 'welcoming back' his Death Eaters
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It used to be my greatest ambition to be a ballerina. There's just something about those tutus. The pink ones, especially. The purple doesn't have quite the same effect, if you follow my drift.
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"Wow!"
--Dennis Creevey, upon finding out he was probably saved from drowning by a giant squid.
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All right, if I didn't have a cause for nitpicking before, you can bet I do now! What am I doing in this section? This is for the evil people. I am not evil! I am normal, respectable, Dennis Creevey, brother of Colin Creevey, son of a milkman.
I mean, how on Earth could one possibly arrive at the conclusion of my evilness? It doesn't make-well, actually, it could, you know. Like, I fell into the lake knowing that if I did, Hagrid would give me his cloak, and I really wanted Hagrid's cloak. I think it's pretty.
One might also say that while trying to rearrange the 'Potter Stinks' badge with Colin, I stuck it on 'Potter Really Stinks' not quite by accident. It's conceivable.
Now don't go running off with the idea that I really did do these things, because I didn't! My life's just a big accident waiting to happen. And it doesn't help matters that Draco Malfoy is running around telling anyone who'll listen I'm part of his little Death Eater club. The nerve.
Otherwise, what else is there to say? There's always the usual issue of neglect, because I only come into stories so often, but that's been said and done way too many times to make it interesting anymore. And only evil people have the gall to complain about stupid things like that. I'm not evil!!!!!
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"I will allow you to perform an essential task for me, one that many of my followers would give their right hands to perform."
--Tom Marvolo Riddle, aka Lord Voldemort, aka He Who Must Not Be Named, aka You-Know-Who, to Peter Pettigrew, on his reward for producing Bertha Jorkins
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My first pet was a giant snake. But before that, my dream had been to buy myself a canary. I just find bright yellows so cheering, don't you? And the way birds chirp is just so calming.
But no, they didn't allow pets at the orphanage, and they didn't sell anything but snakes at that stupid pet store I had to resort to going to.
Thus, my evil career began.
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A/N: I couldn't resist dedicating a whole part to the evil nitpickers. There will be more coming, involving almost everyone imaginable from the books (and even some who you couldn't imagine). Consider yourself warned.
I'm feeling guilty right now, because I'm in the middle of two series, 'At the Beginning' and 'The Heaven In Your Eyes'. I'm probably going to finish up 'Heaven' first, but the next part won't be out for a little while, because I'm going on a class trip on Tuesday. Sorry, ya'll!
Oh, and I forgot some stuff that went with the first 'Nitpicks'. One: Draco Malfoy's quote really belongs to Archie ('Muggle women wear them'--I love that guy). And the term 'Slutty Whoregirl' really belongs to me, my sister Lis, and our friend Kimberly. We made it up cruising through the red district of Paris. Oy. Life's a crack up. Luv ya!