No matter how much we show the dumbasses on this show getting themselves killed, people still are somehow getting themselves killed idiotically. We have the wrestler caught in a knot, a biker who experiences flight, the bullies who dive then die, the asswipe who couldn't stop losing his mind, the electrician who breaks what he can't fix, and the vet who wasn't a good staff member.

Date: March 13, 2006
Location: Hollister, Missouri

All life has to come to an end, whether it's family or pets. When your pet needs to be put out of its misery you take them to a veterinarian. Just hope the doctor who performs it when it's your pet's time to go isn't this guy Callum. Callum never wanted to be a veterinarian; he actually hated animals of any kind. He only got into the job because his father owned the business and wanted Callum to own the business when he died. Also, the pay was pretty good for Callum and his girlfriend Sherry. Callum had a little secret to how he would make sure he enjoyed the job.

Whenever someone's pet came in with a problem, Callum would often exaggerate the issue and make the owner agree to a process called euthanasia. Euthanasia is the process of putting an animal out its misery by killing it after it has sustained an injury that will take too long to heal or can't heal. Callum would make sure he was the one who euthanized the animals.

Callum knows as well as any veterinarian, that not all animals want to be put out of their misery. He has taken a total of 3 lives today and it is time for appointment number four to come in. It's a feline foe who has come in because her owner is concerned about her new dietary habit of eating dirt. This cat is about 6 years old in human years. Callum hates this cat about as much as he hates all other animals. As Callum goes over the reports, he comes up with a reason to subdue the cat. "Hello, I'm sorry to tell you your cat has eaten an overabundance of dirt and it won't survive so we have to euthanize it."

The owner reluctantly agrees to his decision and Callum goes to his favorite part of the job. This cat might not be good with dietary habits, but it's definitely smarter than Callum. Sharron Carlon Animal Research Specialist: "Cats and dogs have a natural instinct that detects danger. If they feel they are being threatened, they will react to protect themselves" Callum goes to inject the cat, but that cat gives an injection of its own. (Callum approaches the cat, but it pounces and claws the doctor on his supraclavicular fossa) Callum finally subdues the cat but like the cat he's starting to die too.

Both the owner and Callum didn't realize that by the cat eating dirt, it had dirt on its claws. The dirt had staphylococcus aureus, otherwise known as staph, in it and when the cat clawed Callum, the staph infection got directly into his bloodstream. Callum was determined not to let the enemy get to him. So, he bandaged his wound and decided to tough it out. The staph running through his system, or bacteremia started developing into sepsis otherwise known as blood poisoning. Sepsis is an immune response that poisons the blood stream in case of severe emergency to kill the bacteria. However, this response also poisons the blood and is life threatening and can kill in only a few hours. (Callum collapses in reception in front of the receptionist)

She tries to call an ambulance, which could have saved Callum, but she receives so many consecutive calls that by the time she gets them all to hold and reaches an ambulance, it's too late. "Please hold, please hold, please hold, please hold. Hello, I need an ambulance now." His condition goes from sepsis, to severe sepsis, to septic shock. Each has a fatality rate 20% higher than the previous one. With this poisoning of the blood, his septic shock caused the blood to be inadequate and the organs shut down and Callum dies of multiple organ failure and he's DOA.

Callum got his kicks out by ending animal's lives with his injections. He got an injection himself by his suspicious client. He had the dirt dished out and in the end, he got flatlined by a feline. (cat hiss)

Way to Die #326
Staph Turnover

Date: June 11, 1998
Location: Los Angeles, CA

You come upon the house of a hoarder and what do you see? This woman is putting her hoard into a storage unit for safe keeping, so she called this guy Eli. Eli is the guy you call after you put all the stuff you want to store in a bin and need it transferred to a locker. Eli was the last person you would want to transport your goods. First of all, Eli was horribly clumsy, reckless, and irresponsible. More stuff ended up broken than in the locker. Before unloading the truck, Eli would also steal anything he sees of value. He would even steal a toy ring from a 5 year old if he thought it was valuable.

Emmanuel Yeager Self Storage Manager: "The only person allowed to legally take things out of a storage unit, is the person renting it themselves. Now if that person hasn't paid rent for three months, we are legally allowed to put that stuff up for auction so we can use the space for someone who can pay. Once it's up for auction, anyone else can buy the stuff in storage."

Eli's clients would often get suspicious, but he knew who the scapegoat would be. "Listen to me; I know my mother's necklace was in there. What happened to it?" "All I can assume is that some teenage thugs must have broken in and stolen it." "How would they have gotten the key to the locker though?" "Look unless we can find out what happened to your mother's necklace, there's nothing we can do."

Today, Eli has got a load on his truck today. He's got everything from a retired couple's old gym equipment, to hoarder's junk, to hotels antique furniture. Eli was disappointed he couldn't steal, but at least this time he couldn't get caught for his grand larceny. Driving five miles over the speed limit up, Eli failed to notice the protruding gravel. (Eli runs over it, the car does a slight hop, and then stops) The truck has a flat tire and Eli goes to check what caused it. At the hitch, everything seems normal, nothing popped off. He goes downhill to check. He should've stayed up there because when he hit the gravel, the hitch nearly came off. Eventually, gravity caused the hitch to pop. Without the body to stay attached to, the drivetrain started going downhill increasing in velocity. By the time Eli discovered what had happened, it was too late. (Eli scream and the drivetrain and carrier hits him to the ground, killing him)

The weight of the drivetrain, carrier, and loads of storage in the carrier combined with the velocity it gained hit Eli with so much force; it snapped his cervical spine and spinal cord in half, it also severed the tendons in his neck almost decapitating him. This injury killed him in seconds, if not instantly.

Let this be a lesson to you viewers. Make sure you keep you possession in safe hands and possibly locked up. Eli's were unsafe and now he's locked up, in his casket.

Way to Die #380
Drive-Pain

Coming up, here's the ancient form of the twist and hotwiring isn't hot, it's deadly

Date: 561 BC
Location: Arcadia, Greece

The Olympics today have many events like shot put, discus, javelin, high jumping, and swimming. We all know that the Olympics originated in Greece. However, back then it was a much different type of event. (time rewinds) There were few rules, little protection, and took no training. One of the most famous events was Pále, a type of wrestling with almost no rules.

Hunter Hutchison Greek Historian: "Pále was also known as free wrestling. This sport was incredibly dangerous because there were only three ways to end the match. Someone had to give up, someone's head had to break open, or someone had to be dead. Luckily, there were also some rules that made it less dangerous. Some of these were restrictions on hair pulling, eye gouging, genital grabbing, and kicking."

These men were rowdy and were willing to do anything to win. One of the most notorious wrestlers was this man named Harpalion. He may sound harmless, but in the arena he was an animal. Many had to be forced to go against him. He would often bypass the rules. Like instead of grabbing genitals, he would knee them. The only reason anyone would ever win against him, is if he broke the rules. He did that a lot earlier on in his career, but lately has been doing legal moves but still hurting others horribly. He is very close to winning the entire match, he just has one more opponent to beat, and he wins. His opponent for the deciding match is Gallus. Gallus is almost as good as Harpalion. He would be just as good, but he doesn't try to bypass the rules. Today, he's willing to do whatever it takes to win.

The two men are ready and when the referee sounds the whistle (blows whistle) they are ready to go. Harpalion first starts out with a broom sweep to Gallus's legs, knocking him to the ground. Gallus responds by biting Harpalion's ankle. When Gallus gets up, Harpalion responds with an elbow to his throat. Gallus is not at all happy, so he decides to return the favor with a headbutt to the gut. Harpalion is done playing games. He delivers a blow no one would want to endure. (Harpalion knees Gallus in the groin and Gallus falls) Harpalion is not done yet, but neither is Gallus. Gallus once again goes after Harpalion's legs. Harpalion is struggling to keep him away. Harpalion remembers that you can win if they tap out or die. So he puts him in a situation in which one will have to be the result. (Harpalion puts Gallus in a headlock) Gallus has ten to fifteen seconds to make a move that can win him the game, or he's screwed. Gallus pulls off a move that he's never tried before. (Gallus grabs Harpalion's leg, folds it, and starts turning it upside down with great force) (Harpalion screams) They are both in serious situations. Now, it's down to a battle of determination. Who wants to win the most?

Harpalion is in terrible pain, but winning will be worth it. Gallus is literally in a life or death situation. Harpalion's pain is increasing and Gallus is on the verge of losing consciousness. Gallus has about three seconds until he passes out. Gallus may not be not be the sharpest point in the peninsula, but he does know his life is more important than winning. (Gallus taps out) "Winner is Harpalion." Harpalion has finally done it; he is the champion of Pále. Harpalion gloats in his opponents face when suddenly, he's overcome with fatigue. Shouldn't Gallus be feeling fatigue? (Harpalion wanders around aimlessly for a few seconds then collapses dead)Looks like Harpalion went from winner to dead last, but how?

Dr. Khyber Zaffarkhan Physical Medicine & Rehab: "When this man was having his leg twisted by Gallus while it was folded, it put a lot of strain on not just his muscles, but his femoral artery. This increased strain on the femoral artery eventually became so much that the artery tore open and he bled. Once this man's leg was released, not only did it release the strain on his leg, but also pressure on his femoral artery causing him to bleed out faster and he died in about two minutes."

Harpalion took no consideration of others in this dangerous sport. As the first dead winner, he goes down in the Greek history of Olympics, and death.

Way to Die#434
Dumb-mission Hold

Date: October 10, 2009
Location: Philadelphia, PA

The world is growing out of the need of paper and wood, and going into the electrical age. This calls for a bigger demand for electricians. This electrician school is training some of the best future electricians out there, except for Aaron. This school was so busy; they forgot to do a background check on Aaron. If they had, they would've known that he lied on his resume. Aaron claimed that he was valedictorian, president of his robotics club, and he had a 4.0 grade average. None of this was remotely true.

He dropped out of high school before he finished his freshman year, he's been fired from every job he's gotten, and has had a criminal history of everything from shoplifting, to grand theft auto. After only a few weeks at the school, the dean was already regretting admitting Aaron to the school. Aaron is a danger to himself and others. He's electrocuted himself four times, and once he tried to construct a machine to impress his teacher and it exploded. The dean finally did the right thing and expelled him. Aaron swore revenge.

After getting expelled, Aaron decided to hotwire the dean's car. Ethan Hurn Car Mechanic: "Hotwiring is where you rig the wires under the car to bypass the lock and ignition to be able to steal it without the alarm going off. This is often done at night and in crowded parking lots because it is hard to spot them." Aaron may have been a moron, but he learned a thing or two at this school. He gets under the car and starts hotwiring it. Unsurprisingly, he nearly electrocutes himself. Aaron is starting to realize why he was expelled, but that wouldn't stop him.

However, he made a fatal error. (car rolls down and runs over Aarons neck. He chokes for a few seconds and dies) Aaron had somehow bypassed the car's gearshift putting the car into neutral. This resulted in the car rolling over Aaron's neck crushing his trachea rendering it useless. He was unable to take in air and he eventually asphyxiated.

We may need more electricians, but with people as incompetent as Aaron; we're better off minus one than plus one.

Way to Die #410
Igni-sin

Coming up, is biking really safe for animals, and these kids invented the World Wide Wet.

Date: March 23, 2009
Location: Norfolk, Virginia

There are many organizations out there to make the world a better place. Many of them are disaster reliefs or for medical purposes. Marcy here isn't planning on joining one of those. She was trying to get into an organization that is hated by many. Are they criminals? Some see it as such; they are the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals otherwise known as, PETA.

Kerri Laron Police Officer: "PETA is an organization that claims to be saving animals from abusive owners. Many believe that this organization is the exact opposite. In a matter of only ten years there have been reports over twenty three thousand animals under the care of PETA have been killed. Not only are these people often seen as lying to others, but they have sued companies over what some say are pointless complaints. Like if a video game has villains based off animals, that company will claim that those villains are the good guys and the hero is the villain for doing what's right and stopping them. However, some people believe they don't do as much about the millions of innocent pets abused and neglected by their owners on a daily basis."

Marcy doesn't give a shit about animals. As a child, she would often test if cats have nine lives by cutting them or skinning them with razors or feeding them barbed wire. Marcy, like many believe that PETA has become an organization against ethical treatment of animals, that's why she planned on joining. She thought she'd be able to attack innocent animals and have people to protect her.

It's her time to go join and she plans on making a good impression by pretending to love animals, in hopes of deceiving society of her true intentions. She's riding a bike, wearing a PETA t-shirt she made, and is looking for animals to deliver to PETA to take care of. She runs into some spoiled kids who try to pelt her with rocks knowing she's with PETA. She is about three blocks away from where she is supposed to meet the other PETA members at; when she finds a squirrel on the road. Ordinarily, she'd run over it and not look back, expect to make sure it's dead and finish the job if it isn't. However, she knows once words gets out what she did, she'll be kicked out of PETA before she joined. She swerved to avoid it and (Marcy hits the curb and flies off her bike) her potential career reached a new height.

Kerri Laron Police Officer: "Helmet laws vary from state to state. Some make it illegal to ride a bike without a helmet illegal under 16. Some make it not illegal at all. Over half of all bike deaths are because of people not wearing helmet. Maybe not now, maybe not next time, but if you do not wear a helmet on a bike it's a guarantee you will eventually get hurt from it."

Marcy wasn't wearing a helmet, so she tried to perform a forward roll to save herself. She accidentally leaned too much and (switches to CGI) the impact of the fall fractured her skull, broke her neck, and her 3 top ribs. Death was instantaneous. (no longer CGI)

Marcy wanted join PETA because she thought she'd be able to torture and kill animals. Ironically, the one time she decides not to, she's the one killed. She should've remembered the saying, never fool with Mother Nature, or it may bite back.

Way to Die #68
PETA-philia

Date: February 6, 2010
Location: Rehoboth, DE

The internet today has offered us so many opportunities. It's decreased the need for paper, helped homeschool many kids, offers information to those in need of research, and can allow us to talk to kids all around the world. Unfortunately, some people take the last possibility, and abuse it. These kids are a perfect example. Meet Robbie, Renee, Randell, and Emma. They love online social networking sites. Not because they like talking to people, they're cyberbullies. They had a tactic in order to make others miserable without others wanting to turn them in. They were four people sharing one account. Robbie made up lies for them to say pretending their lives are miserable. Renee would make up fake suicide tactics they were planning, but would never do. Emma would smear herself with fake blood and use make up to make it look like she cuts herself in order to gain sympathy. And Randell would be the one who was bullying others and using the fake stuff his friends made up to make people feel bad for him and explain his bad behavior. It was all fake in order to make it look like their bullying was justifiable.

Pat Contri Internet Historian: "As soon as online chatting began, it also began an age of cyberbullying. Cyberbullying is where you use some form of technology whether it's a computer or cell phone to bully or continuously harass someone else. Over forty percent of kids online are cyberbullied. There have actually been kids who have committed suicide because of cyberbullying."

These late teens had recently gotten more fun out of their cyberbullying. They drove a girl to attempt suicide. Luckily, she failed her attempt, but these assholes were proud of themselves for doing this. The only thing they feel bad about is the girl lived. She stills feels the sympathy they lie to get and don't deserve. So she decides not to press charges. However, on the other side of the country, someone isn't feeling so forgiving.

In Los Angeles California a boy cannot stand these asswipes anymore and tells his parents about these kids. They scope out what they have done, and they are stunned at what they find. This kid's father is a brain surgeon and his mother is a Hollywood makeup artist. "Oh my god." They see one of Emma's pics and discover her plot. "That lying bastard." The father notices the way she smeared the fake blood. He noticed that there was too much blood far on the edges of the bleeding and not enough blood near the center to be a real wound. He also notices part of her arm from another pic was one of the places she supposedly cut herself, but there was no scarring. This boy's mother notices the cheap make up job on her arm and recognizes the brand almost instantly. His parents soon read the article about the girl who attempted suicide and realize it's time to take action. "That lying bastard."

Back at the douchebag operation, there's an interruption. "Open up police." Robbie thinks he can outsmart them "Um, sorry, we didn't call any police." It doesn't work. "You're under arrest for cyberbullying." Emma panics at first but then has an idea. "Okay listen here; grab bathing suits I know where to hide." The police have had enough of their game. They bust the door down. "We have a search warrant and a warrant for your arrest." And that's when the four douchebags make a run for it.

The cyberbullies are being chased by police, when Robbie stumbles and is caught. "You're under arrest anything you say can and will be used against you." Robbie should've just accepted the fact he was going to jail. Instead, he has his worst idea in years. (Robbie breaks free of the police's grip and punches both and runs) Cyberbullying, evading arrest, and now attacking police officers, these bullies are in a world of trouble. Robbie, Renee, and Randell meet up with Emma in a nearby amusement park. They decide to hide in a wave pool. They change into their swimsuits and go into hiding. While in the wave pool, they hear police coming and they decide behind the pool. (all four get sucked out of the wave pool and into a lazy river. They hit their heads on the wall, start bobbing in and out, and die.) Is it possible for four people in different locations to die the same death? Apparently yes. They didn't know that the lazy river was attached to the wave pool. They got too close to the river and were swept out by the current.

Dr. Steven Burstein Interventional Cardiologist: "When these people were sucked into the river, they were in huge trouble. First, they were panicking while in the river. Second, when they hit their heads it disoriented them. Last, they were unprepared so they were bobbing in and out of the water. Each time they went under, they inhaled a little water, and it accumulated into a fatal amount of water, and they drowned."

Emma, Robbie, Renee, and Randell took joy at the expense of others around the world. When they went around a lazy river, they ended up all wet.

Way to Die #636
Aqua-F***ed

Coming up, alimony plus alcohol equal minus one dumbass.

Date: June 20, 2006
Location: Ocean City, NJ

Tomorrow is summer in New Jersey. Everyone is excited to be able to go to the beach and have a good time. Especially this guy is, meet Giovanni. Giovanni is a cocky, muscle head who believes he has the perfect look for a man going to the beach. Sleeveless shirt, tan job, large muscles, long chain, and baggy shorts. That's also the nicest thing we can say about him. Giovanni is nothing but an unemployed loser who enjoyed spending his weekends getting drunk. He also relied on his high school buddies to get him his beer because he was too lazy to get his own. They only said yes because he paid good cash. Instead of thanking them for their hospitality, Giovanni would always be rude to them. He would do anything to cut these guys pays to save money. Even for the most ridiculous reasons. His old buddies did call him out on it "This is the wrong brand." "Why does it matter what brand it is?" "This beer is too cold." "That's how it's sold." Recently, one of them finally got sick of his behavior and retaliated. "Give me the beer." (friend takes beer bottles out one at a time, and smashes them against his lawn chair) "Get your beer off the asphalt." "You just wasted my beer, you're not getting paid." "Fine, ten bucks isn't worth getting beer for you."

He would often flirt with the sexy singles at the beach. Just because these girls were hot doesn't mean they were stupid. They fled from him after smelling the beer in his breath. He succeeded on a few ladies, but those relationships would only last a few hours, if Giovanni was lucky. A few years ago, Giovanni met one rich girl who was too distracted by his appearance to notice how much of a drunken douchebag he was. She eventually discovered his true self after he turned physically abusive like he does on most women and divorced him. Ever since, he's been spending his alimony on the two things he loved most; Beer, and tinkering with his old SUV.

The only thing Giovanni was worse at than keeping a woman, was fixing up his old SUV. Each time he tinkered with it, the more repairs would need to be made.

Ethan Hurn Car Mechanic: "It's not uncommon that when I get someone who needs there car fixed, they tried to fix it themselves. If you try to fix it yourself and don't have any experience, it's very likely you'll make things a lot worse. Whatever, I get to charge them more."

While working on his SUV, he was trying to grab the attention of his neighbor, a horny ditz who would often turn him on when he saw her tanning in just her bikini. Today, he finally got the attention of her by playing his car radio super loud. She didn't care; she loved music, and the rebellious type. Giovanni hopes to impress her with the mechanic skills he doesn't have. What Giovanni doesn't know is, his death is hanging right under him.

Ethan Hurn Car Mechanic: "You should never try to fix a car while it's on. There are moving belts, exposed wires, and a large hood over you. If you do, there's a very good chance one of them will kill you."

Giovanni was ready to pop when (Giovanni starts choking) his chain gets pulled into a moving belt. Luckily, (Giovanni severs the necklace) Giovanni cuts the chain off saving him. He's feeling pretty invincible, but kids ever hear the expression too much alcohol will make you lose your head? (Giovanni passes out drunken head first into the radiator fan) It's not just an expression. (neighbor goes to get Giovanni out of the fan and he's headless and she screams) As the fan spun, it beat against his head. The fan broke his skull, sliced through the tissue, eventually took his head off, and he was dead in seconds.

Giovanni was a douchebag who took others for granted and valued beer more than others. In the end, he went from punk, to drunk, to sunk. See ya later, agitator.

Way to Die #602
Fanned Out

(end credits)