The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is covered in slime. Just more madness from my teeny-tiny little mind.
Slime Welcoming Party
"So, who the hell are these bitches that moved in next door?" Pam asked Cyril. "And why the hell are we giving them a gift basket?"
Cyril, Pam, Ray, Cheryl and Krieger were in the bullpen. As well as a large gift basket on a table. "With gourmet chocolate covered pretzels none the less," Krieger looked at the gift basket. "Fancy!"
"That's not for you!" Cyril snapped.
"Awww," Krieger pouted.
"No pretzels for you!" Cheryl giggled.
"Seriously Cyril," Ray asked. "What is all this for? Why do we need a gift basket?"
"It's for our new neighbors," Cyril said. "It's a brand-new marketing company called C. Gold."
"Why the hell do you want to impress a marketing company?" Pam asked. "You're not going to make us do another dumb ass focus group are you?"
"I don't want this to end up a debacle like Smart House," Cyril snapped. "Or in potential lawsuits."
"Those were dropped once the company went bankrupt and dissolved," Pam pointed out.
Cheryl added. "And the founder slash CEO was dragged to the nuthouse."
"WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!" Cyril shouted. "As I said before, and I will say again…I don't want a repeat of that disaster! As strange as it sounds, I would like to make a good impression for a change!"
Cyril paused. "That being said, I think most of you should stay here. Just Lana and Ray will come with me."
"Phrasing…" Cheryl giggled. "Wait a minute, Truck-A-Saurus isn't even here!"
"I'm here! I'm here!" Lana came in with AJ and a large bag of her items.
"Why is she here?" Cheryl pointed. "Isn't today a school day?"
"It is," Pam said.
"Oh good," Cheryl said. "I really didn't know. I was guessing."
"AJ doesn't have school today," Lana sighed as she put AJ down. Then the large bag.
"Again?" Cheryl snapped.
"What excuse do they have this time?" Pam asked. "I know there's no holidays scheduled. And they just had a professional development day last week! What reason could they have for shutting the school down now?"
"They found mold in the cafeteria," Lana groaned.
"That's a good reason," Ray said.
"How can there possibly be mold in County Day?" Cyril was stunned. "One of the most well-funded and exclusive schools in the country? How does that happen?"
"Apparently one of the teachers was growing mushrooms with help with one of the lunch ladies," Lana sighed. "Illegal mushrooms if you get my drift."
"Was it Janice?" Krieger asked. "I told her that those things should not be grown near regular food!"
"What?" Lana did a double take.
"Nothing," Krieger gulped.
"Krieger…" Lana growled.
"Okay don't get mad," Krieger held up his hands. "Remember that day that you brought the pot brownies in and we all went to see if AJ was okay and…"
"Yes! I remember that!" Lana interrupted. "We all remember that!"
"Well I made some new friends that day," Krieger coughed. "It's kind of hard to explain…"
"What did you do Krieger?" Ray snapped. "Find out a bunch of teachers and parents are into hallucinatory mushrooms and then secretly sold a whole bunch of mushroom spores to them so they could grow their own?"
"Oh," Krieger paused. "That wasn't so hard to explain at all."
"Krieger, I swear to God…" Lana growled. "If this is traced back to us…"
"It won't I swear!" Krieger promised. "I even used a fake name and a fake website. And a fake address on the shipping label. We're good."
"Now we really need to make a good impression on the next-door neighbors…" Cyril moaned.
"I think we'd make a better impression if we just don't show up," Lana told him. She turned back to Krieger. "Have you sold any other drugs at my daughter's school?"
"Technically I never sold any drugs period," Krieger pointed out. "Mushroom spores yes. Actual drugs, no!"
"Did you sell anything else?" Lana snapped. "Drug related or otherwise!"
"Uhh…." Krieger paused.
"You have to think about it?" Pam snapped.
"I've been selling a lot of things online to a lot of people," Krieger protested. "I call my website K-Bay!"
"They're going to be calling you defendant if you don't knock it off!" Cyril snapped. "And the rest of us by whatever prison number they assign us!"
"I am so turning state's evidence against you!" Cheryl snapped at Krieger.
"Me too!" Lana added.
"Whatever you sold…" Ray paused. "They're not alive, are they?"
"Define alive," Krieger blinked.
"Oh, dear sweet Jesus," Ray groaned.
"You're not selling sex toys again, are you?" Pam snapped.
"No!" Krieger protested. "I got out of that business months ago! I don't sell that shit anymore."
"Watch your language around AJ," Lana warned.
"She's not even here," Cheryl groaned.
"Wait, what?" Lana turned around and noticed AJ was gone. "AJ! Where is she?"
"She grabbed something from your bag and ran off that way," Cheryl pointed.
"And you didn't say anything?" Lana shouted.
"I'm not her supervisor!" Cheryl snapped. "Wait, am I?"
"Wonderful parenting Lana," Cyril said sarcastically.
"Shut up Cyril!" Lana snapped. "AJ! AJ!"
"Lost child alert!" Krieger remarked as they all went to find AJ.
"AJ? AJ!" Lana looked and then saw something. "AJ!"
"Hi Mommy!" AJ was in Cyril's office playing at his desk. There was a batch of glittery slime and a pink unicorn toy on Cyril's desk.
"What is she doing on my desk?" Cyril shouted.
"Great…" Lana groaned. "Here we go again."
"What is this…" Cyril censored himself as he went to look. "Stuff on my desk?"
"I made it pretty!" AJ showed them the slime.
"Did you put my stamps in that?" Cyril was stunned. "Stamps…"
"Stamps are expensive," Everyone except AJ said as one.
"You know?" Cyril blinked.
"It's practically your catchphrase," Cheryl rolled her eyes.
"AJ, I told you to be careful where you play with your Uni-Poop toy!" Lana chastised her daughter. "You should ask me first!"
"Yeah," Pam quipped. "You could have made a real mess."
"But since this is only Cyril's desk…" Ray began. "No harm done."
"Ray!" Cyril snapped.
"Other than the damn stamps did you really have anything important on there?" Ray looked at him.
Cyril hung his head down. "No…"
"I rest my case," Ray said. "Which is you don't have one."
"What is this gunk?" Cheryl wrinkled her nose.
"It's the latest fad," Lana sighed. "It's slime."
"Cyril has slime on his desk," Pam quipped. "There's a joke in there somewhere."
"You know…?" Cyril looked at Pam. Then at Lana. "Why does AJ have slime?"
"Well not real slime," Lana explained.
"I didn't think it was real," Krieger said. "It's the wrong colors. Real slime isn't rainbow colored with glitter."
"It's the latest thing," Lana sighed. "You get a bunch of goop and you put glitter and shiny objects in it and mix it all up. Then play with it."
"Why would a kid be into that?" Cyril asked.
"It's slimy and you make a mess," Pam said. "What kid wouldn't be into it?"
"And for the record I didn't buy it," Lana groaned. "AJ got it at a slime party."
"A slime party?" Cyril was stunned. "This is a thing?"
"It's a thing," Lana groaned. "The latest thing in birthday parties. Over the weekend one of AJ's classmates had a slime themed birthday party."
"Aw man," Krieger pouted. "Kids get everything these days!"
"How does a slime party work?" Ray did a double take.
"They get bowls of slime and goop and then are allowed to throw in glitter and pretty much whatever they want into it," Lana explained. "And then they take it home."
"That must be a real joy to have in your place," Pam remarked.
"Yeah it's a thrill every morning to find slime and glitter in places you never dreamed they would be in," Lana groaned.
"Like the time Archer brought in all those pole dancers for the Hooray It's May Day Party?" Cyril guessed.
"Exactly," Lana sighed. "Now that I think about it, the slime is slightly less disgusting than that."
"And AJ was invited to this slime themed party," Ray guessed.
"AJ's entire class was invited to the slime theme party," Lana said.
"You know parents only do that so that the kid can get the most gifts possible," Pam pointed out.
"I figured that out when I met some of the other parents," Lana looked at Pam. "Even though some of the kids weren't even in the same grade. Or in County Day. And some of them weren't even living in the same block."
"Yeah that happens more often than you think," Pam nodded.
Lana sighed. "The parents just went with it for a couple of hours away from their kids and some free margaritas."
"They had margaritas at the party?" Pam gasped. "Aw man…"
"Long story short," Lana sighed. "The kids all got to play with slime and take home a lot of slime as well as a Uni-Poop toy."
"Uni-Poop?" Cyril blinked.
"A toy unicorn that poops glitter slime," Lana groaned. "And yes, it's just as messy as it sounds."
"This is also a thing?" Ray was stunned.
"It's a thing," Pam said. "Girls are now just as disgusting as guys are."
Cyril looked at Pam. "I learned that fact the very first week I came to work with you!"
"Why would the parents of the birthday child do this?" Ray asked. "Do they have some kind of vendetta or…?"
"Apparently the parents own a thirty percent stake in the company," Lana sighed.
"Okay I get it now," Ray nodded.
"Based on the gist of what the other parents were saying…" Lana sighed. "Those birthday parents are going to get it."
"AJ look at what you did!" Cyril groaned. "You made a mess of my desk."
"Well the best punishment for this is for Cyril to lecture AJ on the importance of stamps," Cheryl remarked.
Lana paused. "That's actually not a half bad idea."
"HEY!" Cyril snapped.
"Maybe parenting isn't so hard?" Cheryl remarked. "I mean if Lana can do it…"
"You know…?" Lana glared at Cheryl.
One hour later…
"You're still letting AJ play with that disgusting thing?" Cheryl asked Lana as they looked in Cyril's office.
"AJ put her slime toy away," Lana said.
"I can see that," Cheryl said. "I'm talking about Cyril."
Cyril was playing with AJ on the floor with her toys. "Oh yes," Cyril said as he played with some dolls. "The princess just loves riding around with the prince on his fancy horse. Wearing his nice black turtleneck because he's exciting and handsome. Never mind the fact that he's a drunken idiot who pretty much lives under the thumb of his mommy the Queen. But the princess just has to be with him even though the prince has disappointed him time and time again."
Cyril picked up a frog doll with glasses. "Meanwhile poor ol' Mr. Frog is stuck back at the castle doing all the work because God forbid the prince does any. No, Mr. Frog does all the work. Managing the treasury, running the castle, keeping the castle clean, ordering the stamps for the royal mail. And what does being responsible get him? Diddly-squat!"
"Okay, so Mr. Frog isn't as exciting or as dangerous as the prince?" Cyril added. "And maybe doesn't have as much money as the prince? But at least Mr. Frog's carriage actually works! Mr. Frog's carriage isn't stuck in the garage and costs the royal treasury a fortune to fix because the prince is an idiot and didn't even inspect the carriage. Noooo! He had to buy it because it's the same carriage some detective on TV drove!"
"But does the princess realize that Mr. Frog is responsible and good for her? No! She'd rather drool over Prince Not So Charming who has a princess in every castle and she wonders why their relationship doesn't work! I'll tell you why it doesn't work princess! It's because the prince is an irresponsible idiot!"
"I'll never touch another stamp again…" AJ groaned as she put her head into her hands.
Cyril went on. "Okay, so Mr. Frog made one stupid mistake! But the one or two- or three-times Mr. Frog made the mistake doesn't even come close to all the same mistakes the prince made a career out of! Okay to be honest it was more like five or six but it's still a lot less than the mistakes the prince made!"
Ray had walked by and was watching the scene with both Lana and Cheryl. "Who's getting punished again?" He asked, clearly confused.
"Okay…" Lana sighed. "That's enough Cyril. I think AJ has got the point."
"What do stamps have with princesses?" AJ was confused.
"You don't wanna know honey," Ray told her.
"Cyril didn't you want to do…Oh I don't know?" Lana sighed. "Anything sane?"
"Why start now?" Ray quipped.
"Oh right," Cyril realized as he stood up. "We were going next door today."
"AJ pick up your toys and go into my office," Lana sighed.
"Or Uncle Cyril will bore you with another story," Cheryl added.
"Leaving!" AJ quickly picked up her toys and took them out of the office.
"I knew that would do it," Cheryl said.
"That would do it for me," Ray agreed.
"Cyril, I know you're…" Lana paused. "Deranged. But in the future could you please not poison my child's mind against her father?"
"Yeah," Ray agreed. "Archer is more than capable of doing that himself."
"I didn't say Archer," Cyril pointed out. "I left it vague."
"Oh please," Ray said. "You couldn't have been more obvious if you used subtitles."
"Let's just do that stupid thing you wanted to do," Lana groaned.
"Making a good impression on our new next-door neighbors is not a stupid thing!" Cyril said as he followed the others out of his office into the bullpen. "We need to increase our reputation!"
"That's what I'm worried about," Lana said.
"In a good way!" Cyril snapped. "Pam stop poking at the gift basket!"
"I wasn't doing anything," Pam mumbled. Her mouth full of something.
"Were you eating the chocolate covered pretzels?" Cyril snapped.
"No," Pam admitted. She was still eating.
"You were eating something else, weren't you?" Ray asked.
"Just tasting the honey Dijon chips," Pam admitted. "They're good!"
"Oh, for the love of God Pam," Cyril looked at the basket. "You got chip crumbs all over the place. That's it! You are definitely staying here!"
"Aww man," Pam pouted.
"Someone has to watch AJ anyway," Lana said. "And between Cheryl and Krieger you are the most responsible choice. Where is Krieger anyway?"
"He said he wanted to try something and went to his lab," Cheryl shrugged. "Said he got an idea."
"Well it's better than him getting a venereal disease," Cyril remarked.
"Wait…" Lana paused. "Krieger is in his lab? Since when?"
"I don't know," Pam shrugged. "Like an hour ago?"
"Oh, dear God…" Ray realized. "I think I know what's coming…"
"What?" Pam snickered. "You think somehow Krieger made living slime and it would probably get loose from his lab and…Oh, dear God."
"How would Krieger make living slime?" Lana asked.
"How the hell does Krieger do anything he does?" Pam snapped. "It's possible!"
"Okay let's assume Krieger can make living slime," Cyril groaned. "Why would he want to?"
"Why does Krieger want to do anything he does?" Pam snapped. "Have you not been paying attention all these years?"
"Okay let's think about this," Lana sighed. "Maybe we can stop Krieger from creating some slime that runs amok?"
BLURP! BLURP! BLURP! BLURP!
"HEY COME BACK HERE!" Krieger was heard shouting.
"Then again," Lana groaned. "Maybe not…?"
"Oh God no…" Cyril moaned.
BLURP! BLURP! BLURP!
A large blob of glittery rainbow slime the size of a small desk zipped by. There seemed to be a chair inside of it. "Oh God yes…" Ray groaned.
"Augustus come back here!" Krieger snapped as he ran into the room holding a capture net.
"Augustus?" Ray snapped. "Why is it named…? Oh Augustus Gloop. I got it."
"God damn it Krieger!" Cyril snapped. "It's leaving a trail of glitter all over the floor!"
"We're gonna get glitter ants," Cheryl quipped.
"KRIEGER GET THAT THING!" Lana shouted. "BEFORE…"
SSSHOOOOP!
"It escapes," Lana groaned as the slime slid out of the crack under the door. Leaving behind a dripping glitter covered chair.
"That's a waste of a chair," Ray sighed.
"We could just hose it off…" Pam suggested.
"But the smell…" Ray wrinkled his nose.
"I've smelled worse," Pam shrugged.
"So, the slime can get out of any room that has just a crack in it?" Lana groaned.
"There's a phrasing joke in there somewhere," Pam remarked.
Ray looked at Krieger. "How were you going to catch that thing with a net if the slime can do that? Wouldn't it have just slid through the holes?"
Krieger looked at his net. "In hindsight this was not a good idea."
"Nothing you do is a good idea!" Cyril shouted. "I'm not even going to ask why you made a sentient slime blob…"
"Technically it's not sentient," Krieger interrupted. "Just alive."
"I DON'T CARE KRIEGER!" Cyril shouted. "JUST GET THAT THING BEFORE…"
Muffled screams were heard. "It went into the building next door didn't it?" Cyril moaned.
"Uhhh…" Pam looked out the window. "Looks like. I mean there's a trail of glitter leading from our building to the one next door…"
"Of course," Cyril groaned. "Where else would living slime go?"
"Besides Congress?" Cheryl quipped.
"I think we're going to need more than a gift basket to make this right," Ray remarked.
"You think?" Lana groaned. "Why would it go next door?"
"Because the universe hates me Lana!" Cyril shouted. "That's the only possible explanation! THE UNIVERSE HATES ME!"
"That would explain a lot about your life," Cheryl thought.
"It really does," Krieger nodded.
Cyril looked upwards. "What did I do to make you hate me so much? What? Was I some kind of drug addicted power crazed Nazi in a past life? What?"
"Archer is so going to be pissed he missed this," Pam snickered.
"Yeah Pam!" Cyril snapped. "Laugh it up! You know the company next door is going to hit us with a massive lawsuit!"
"So?" Cheryl asked. "Just tell them it was an alien slime that invaded the street."
"You really think they'd believe that?" Cyril snapped.
"Well they have no reason to not believe it," Cheryl pointed out.
"No reason except the trail of glitter slime leading from our building to theirs," Ray said dryly.
"Tell them we got hit first," Cheryl waved. "I mean nobody proved anything with those exploding mice that blew up the bank, did they?"
"Or the duck invasion on our street," Pam added. "Or the bat invasion that invaded downtown…"
"Oh God that is our only option," Lana moaned.
"Good news though," Krieger said. "That slime only has a twenty-minute lifespan so it should die out within the next ten minutes. I think…"
"I think the best thing to do," Cyril sighed as he opened up the gift basket. "Is to chow down on the gift basket. Pretzel anyone?"