A/N: This is A CRACK FIC! It's FUN! If you read anything that sounds weird, you probably just missed the punchline or it's really just weird. :P

Happy birthday, Ash M. Knight! :) I know how much you love Miss Blanchfart, surprises and birthdays, so this is for you *wink, wink. I hope it lights up your day anyway. ;) PS: GO CHECK OUT HER STORIES! She's awesome.

A huge thanks to Sultry Sweet who did the beta work! She's awesome, too. :) For the rest of my lovely readers and viewers (also the guests), I hope you enjoy it as well. Thank you for alerting me, reviewing me etc. I appreciate it a lot.

If you want me to continue this, feel free to leave a review or PM me. I have some ideas but you can also send me prompts.

HERE IT IS! :D

The stories of Miss Blanchfart, the butterfly pooper and Swan freaking CANON Queen

Miss Blanchfart's birthday

At the mayoral mansion

Emma walked around the leather couch for what felt like the thousandth time while still contemplating about a nice present for her mother. Snow turned thirty-something today and the blonde would have nearly forgot her birthday if Regina hadn't mentioned it. Her dark-haired lover walked over to her and gave her a quick peck on the lips before she spoke up.

"How about an appointment at the hair salon?" The mayor winked and devilishly smirked at Emma.

"Seriously, 'Gina?"

The blonde gave her signature "what the hell" glare in return.

"What? Don't give me that look. I just assumed she misses her long, beautiful hair."

"Well, just because you miss it…"

Emma couldn't even finish her sentence before Regina already continued to speak in order to prove her point. "It did make her a whole new person."

"You wanted to kill her."

"Touché."

Regina embraced the other woman and laid both of them down on the coach.

After a while of making out, Emma breathed heavily and the blonde recalled what she actually planned to do. Due to her mother's love for animals, an idea popped up in her head.

"How about a rabbit?"

"Nice thought. I'll see what I can do." Regina replied sweetly, but had a slightly different interpretation of rabbit in mind.

One hour later

The blonde examined the conjured animal and couldn't imagine that her mother would like it in any way. Not only because it wasn't a rabbit at all, but also due to the fact that it just wasn't white. She gave Regina an evil eye before pointing at the giant creature.

"I think I said 'rabbit'. Misinterpreting wasn't an option. I didn't say bunny for a reason…"

Regina looked at Emma, confused, as she managed to say something.

"What? Why didn't you say bunny, dear?"

"You probably would have conjured up a naked model."

The mayor chuckled huskily and made a step towards Emma when she replied.

"There is still a chance of magically implement that, Sheriff Swan."

Before they could move closer to one another or do anything inappropriate, the doorbell rang and pulled them out of their happy place. The blonde growled a little when she made her way to the door, already knowing that her mother would stop by as they had told her the present wasn't really movable. Though, that turned out to be a lie after all.

Emma held the door open for her mother to come in and presented the animal right away.

"This is for you. Happy Birthday, Mum!"

The older woman clapped happily before she stepped a few meters closer and suddenly found her present somewhat weird.

Snow squeaked when she looked at the crimson animal while not caring at all about the shape of the animal or about its type.

"I hate red!"

In that very moment, Ruby came in immediately gasping and angrily staring at Snow. Nobody knew of course why she had just entered the mansion, because nobody had invited her anyway, but it definitely felt like some sort of a punch line.

"You bitch!" Ruby hissed at the birthday child and shut the door behind her.

"Watch your language in front of the little cutie."

Snow suddenly didn't seem to care about the odd coloring of the animal anymore. She cooed and lovingly patted the enormous cow that was apparently just starting to eat a shoe. The cow had a few black spots and seemed only slightly surreal. If the animal stood in front of Henry, Henry probably wouldn't be visible to the eye.

"What the fuck is that?" Ruby eyed the gigantic animal which just stared back while it was continuing to chew awkwardly.

"It's mine!" Snow shouted out. The red cow only mooed loudly and drooled on the floor.

"Then I'm going to take it away from you."

Ruby flung her hands around the neck of the animal in an attempt to drag it away. The cow looked quite relaxed, seemed to even start to like the embrace, and kept chewing happily.

Regina and Emma watched the little show take place in their house and tried hard to contain their laughter. Both of them weren't quite sure what the hell was even happening in front of them.

"No let Hannah go!" Snow shouted when she stepped closer to her animal.

"Hannah really?" Ruby replied dryly.

"Actually it's Hannah Mootana and I think it's adorable."

The woman with the pixie haircut defended her loved animal and brushed over its back. She got another loud moo in return. Emma and Henry chuckled lightly at that.

"Yeah just like Emma." Ruby replied sarcastically and earned herself a death glare from Regina.

The amusing smirk on the mayor's lips disappeared as she walked towards Ruby in a very queenly manner.

"I will destroy you even if it is the last thing I do!"

Regina moved forward with a dangerous ball of fire already crackling above her hand.

"No 'Gina, she just made fun of Snow. It's all good." Emma butted in as she gripped Regina's upper arm.

Her lover and former Queen huffed angrily and let the fire ball vanish before she addressed Snow again.

"Back to you, dear. You and your…" She eyed the cow that she herself had conjured with disgust and pointed to it. "…birthday present may go now. And if you dare to even touch one grass stalk…"

"Then what? You punish me?" Snow challenged the mayor with a childish smile on her lips.

Regina smirked and winked at Emma, letting her miraculously know that she was going to "punish" the blonde later. The blonde consequently gulped and her cheeks reddened a little. The destiny of Snow seemed to be a different one though.

"Your cow won't be able to be milked."

Emma tried to hold in the laughter that slowly made its way to her lips.

Henry also looked pleased with the situation as he stood next to the blonde.

Ruby just continued to lean against the drooling cow with a wolfish grin grazing her face.

However, Snow's jaw dropped when she eyed the mayor in shock. After a while of staring, Regina decided to finish her threat. "It won't EVER be able to give you milk!"

Before leading the animal and herself outside, Snow seemed to finally find her voice again.

"But she's family!" The birthday child pouted, but Regina obviously didn't care.

Regina just wanted her and the cow out of her mansion not only because the animal somehow started to smell awkwardly, but also because Snow was becoming seriously annoying. The mayor would have to see her later that day anyway since some townspeople wanted to throw a surprise party.

Henry giggled lightly before he poked his blonde mother and spoke up. "Snow just said butt!"

Emma immediately laughed along when her mother was out of the house and was surprisingly accompanied by Regina a second later.

"What the hell is that smell?" The blonde spoke up after she regained her posture and wrinkled her nose in disgust. Her whole face contorted as well.

Regina was on the verge of giving the obvious answer when Ruby suddenly spoke up with cherry-red cheeks and a sheepish smile on her lips.

"Sorry. That was probably the wolf but –"

The former Evil Queen raised a hand in warning and pointed her finger at the door when she interrupted Red. A very annoyed expression settled on the brunette's face and her voice sounded sinister once she screamed.

"Get the fuck out of here!"

The waitress hung her head in shame and trotted off. Once she was gone, Regina immediately put the air freshener to use.

Same time at Snow's

Snow tried to lead the way as Hannah struggled to keep up because Hannah simultaneously ate the roses at the edge of the plastered path along the way. The cow also trotted over the meadow at times. Every time Snow turned around, Hannah just stepped onto the path and stared into space. The animal was obviously cleverer than its owner.

"Oh, look a rabbit! Don't eat it, Miss Mootana!" The older woman suddenly yelled, startling the cow's relaxed walk.

And the cow probably thought to herself – if cows were able to think. Who is this woman? I am a vegetarian you imbecile.

In the meantime at the mansion

"WHERE THE HELL IS MY OTHER HIGH HEEL?! I'M GOING TO KILL YOUR MOTHER!"

The brunette screamed when she examined the other shoe that was left behind and was totally soaked.

"Easy love. I'll buy you new ones okay?"

Emma softly replied and embraced the older woman who was fuming with rage. The hug calmed her down immediately. However, it didn't last for long.

"Fine."

Regina inhaled deeply before she stepped out of the embrace and exited the house in an attempt to have a look at her beloved apple tree.

"WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY ROSES?! BACONBREAST IS SO DEAD!"

"Wasn't her name Sandy Bullock or something?" Emma spoke up while scratching her forehead and looking quite thoughtful. After a while, the blonde carried on.

"Anyways I said we should have got her a rabbit but no..." She reasoned as she tried to calm her girlfriend down.

"You're not helping. AT ALL."

I'm the fucking Evil Queen bitch. This means revenge. The brunette thought to herself.

"Ishlldstroyuenyourefinhappiness." Regina muttered under her breath and gained herself a confused look from Emma.

Two hours later in Snow's apartment

"Hey, Charming, have you seen Hannah Mootana?"

"Oh, damn it. I knew I had missed something. I think we could catch the rerun today though if you want to?" Charming replied sweetly and smiled at his wife who seemed slightly pissed.

"I'm not talking about that Hannah."

"Who is Hannah then? And please don't tell me you have saved yet another squirrel from the sidewalk."

"What? No of course not. It's the cow Emma got me for my birthday. You know as in Moo in Mootana… By the way today's my birthday."

Snow glared at her husband with a pout on her face and faked an evil stare. However, it rather looked like a teenage-girl with stuck out ears suffering from indigestion. The former prince could have bet that he had heard a fart sound although it somehow and suddenly smelled like butterflies in the apartment.

"Um, yeah. Sure. I knew that. You just have to wait... I've got a special surprise you know."

Charming was smiling at her while trying to hide his lack of knowledge. It wasn't like he forgot or anything. He just kind of seemed to not remember and he was still very confused about the "odor".

"I love you so much and I love surprises. This is… THE BEST DAY EVER!" Snow spoke up silently, but somehow started to scream enthusiastically midsentence.

Her husband almost died because of the sudden sound intensity. He nevertheless embraced her lovingly before he recollected his thoughts. In order to figure out a quickly arranged birthday present slash surprise he needed to get rid of Snow.

"Now go find the cow of yours."

That should do the trick, Charming thought to himself.

"Yeah I will!" And it surprisingly worked right away.

Snow immediately stormed out of the house and right after she completely exited the room, Charming could hear her scream. "I WILL ALWAYS FIND YOU, HANNAH!"

Maybe I'll get her some unicorn stickers or cow stickers, Charming thought to himself when he made his way to the kitchen. A heap of very bad ideas suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks. He couldn't decide which idea was the least bad one so he just kept on rambling.

Same time at the mansion again

"Why does it smell like poop in here… yet again, dear?" The mayor asked the panting and naked blonde who lay beneath her. The punishment Emma had deserved wasn't quite finished yet.

Ruby suddenly popped up from behind a chair with a cheeky grin grazing her face and a red bra on her head. She looked at the two who stared at her when she tried to defend herself. Do the creep (haaa)…

"I swear that this time it wasn't me."

Regina and Emma pulled the blanket up and gawked at the brunette for a while. The former Evil Queen was the first one who managed to find her voice again.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

Ruby looked quite defeated and frowned as she opened the window in order to hop out of there. The blonde nevertheless stopped her in her tracks when she spoke up.

"Wait. Give me the bra."

Emma looked at her expectantly and Ruby just eyed her while confusion was starting to graze her face.

"On top of your head." The blonde added once she noticed that the other woman had almost started to unclasp her own bra.

Ruby's cheeks immediately reddened, the embarrassment for being a creep slowly sinking in. She tossed the bra at them and jumped out of the window – Twilight-Style. She was a sucker for movies that included werewolves even if they were schmaltzy.

The two women in bed locked eyes with each other before they shrugged their shoulders almost simultaneously. Emma decided to say something after a while.

"Oh god. I think the smell is coming from Milkyway."

The blonde instantly sat up and tried to remain calm in order to hear the one responsible for the smelliness. Remaining calm seemed to be quite difficult since she had moaned and screamed only a few minutes ago.

"Who the fuck is Milkyway?" The brunette eyed her lover while furrowing her brows in confusion.

"Cowsey Moosey? Or was it…" Emma just barely started to reply before Regina apparently made out who seemed to be the stinkpot. She stood up angrily and waved her hands around until her purple magic dressed both of them. Right after she was dressed, the brunette just started to scream.

"I AM GOING TO KILL THE CHARMINGS!"

"Ahem. Love?" Emma pouted and looked at her with her cute puppy eyes and a sad expression settled down on her face.

"OK FINE. I'M GOING TO FINISH THAT BEAST LIKE A BIG TASTY BACON…" Regina yelled again but consequently added with a hopeful whisper and an adorable smile on her lips. "…and kill your mother as well?"

The blonde chuckled a bit, but felt hungry all of a sudden when Regina mentioned the burger. She shoved the feeling in her stomach before she gave a response.

"You won't kill her, 'Gina."

"Whatever. However Maggie Moo will most certainly bite the dust." The mayor replied dryly and discontentedly.

Meantime on Snow's side

Snow walked around the backyard of the mansion cooing and just barely slurping forward. She wanted to make sure that she didn't accidently fail to spot her beloved animal… as if that was even possible.

She began to sing silently and hoped that it would help her find Hannah Mootana.

"You get the beeeeeest of both worlds. Chillin' out, take it slow. Then you rock out the show…"

The brunette suddenly heard a loud bang from only a few meters away. She turned around in an instant and saw a topless Ruby sprinting towards the forest. Her jaw dropped when Ruby transformed into a howling wolf. The woman with the pixie haircut could have bet that something similar had happened in one of those weird vampire movies although she wasn't quite sure what that had to do with anything.

She simply went on as she sang the song of her favorite show.

"You get the beeeest of both worlds. Mix it all together and you know that it's the best of both worlds."

Snow hopped a little when she finally heard an adorable moo from not so far away and immediately jogged to Hannah. She hugged her tightly and spoke lovingly.

"You. You found me."

After a short period of time, Regina came around the corner looking more like the Evil Queen than the mayor. She held her head high as she marched over to the atrocity and nearly stared down Hannah Mootana to death.

Snow saw Emma running after the infuriated mayor with rosy cheeks and a bewildered look on her face. This wasn't quite the birthday the older woman imagined for herself. Where were the party hats? And where the fuck was her husband?

"You will experience the true power of the Evil Queen!"

Regina shouted when she stood in front of the crimson cow and locked eyes with the animal.

It was a miracle really that Hannah didn't die from the stare alone. The cow was smart though and mooed lovingly as she put on her cutest pout.

She just drooled a little when she brushed her head against the brunette's thigh.

"What the fuck is Baconbreast doing?"

The former Evil Queen asked with an unamused voice as she eyed the animal with disgust and furrowed her brow in confusion.

"I think she likes you." Snow spoke up, grinning.

While contorting her face, Regina grumbled and stepped a few meters back. The blonde finally reached them and breathed heavily when her hands held on to her knees. She looked up and immediately met the lovely pout on the cow's face. The animal's puppy eyes were so big and freaking adorable and Emma gawked because of getting lost in them. The blonde just nearly started to drool as if she was a cow as well.

"Wow." Emma silently breathed out.

Regina didn't even get what the fuss was about, but could definitely see how deeply her girlfriend was affected by this.

"What do you think you're doing, Miss Swan?"

"Those eyes… They're so big and adorable. IT'S SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIE!" Emma suddenly yelled and quickly made her way to the animal in order to death-hug the cow.

Her hands gripped around the neck of it and she snuggled into the warmth of the enormous animal. The blonde seriously thought about shaking it, but quickly dropped that thought. That only worked with a plush unicorn and in animated movies. She retreated a bit before she locked eyes with Hannah Mootana again.

"It appears to me that Pooped Cream will survive." Regina muttered barely audible.

The birthday child gave her a confused look and was about to say something when the brunette carried on. She was facing Snow while hissing through gritted teeth.

"Your cow has left a rather exceptional smell in our house. It apparently cleared its bowels. I expect you to properly clean and sterilize everything."

The woman with the pixie haircut and blazing red cheeks nodded and looked to her beloved cow that had finally stopped to puppy stare at the blonde.

Regina gripped Emma's arm and walked back to the house, dragging a still dreamy blonde along with her.

"Have you seen those eyes?" Emma mumbled, a distant smile crossing her features.

The mayor nodded angrily and kept on stomping away in silence.

Mary Margaret just watched them retreat and shrugged her shoulders.

After Snow finished cleaning the mansion

The woman with the weird haircut was freaking exhausted. She knew that the cow hadn't been responsible for the unpleasant smelliness in the mansion, but also knew that keeping that to her was probably best. Anyway, the cleaning of the house had been distressing since the scent had flooded the whole damn house. She hadn't even known where to start.

However, being done after two hours felt relieving to her. Snow was the birthday child and she had always loved her birthdays. Those two hours wouldn't destroy her day and most definitely not corrupt her good mood. She wanted to have a giant party and if others weren't giving her one, she had to simply organize it by herself… even if that meant buying herself presents…. The brunette had gotten Hannah Mootana though and that made her feel fortunate. At least her daughter had been slightly acknowledgeable.

Without any other thoughts, the sufferer of an upset stomach made her way out of the spick and span mansion.

Twenty minutes later

Snow opened the door to her apartment and instantly met an unbearable silence and darkness. She hated darkness. That was when the evil monsters retreated from their positions under the beds.

The brunette slowly stalked forward and cringed once people, balloons and light came out of the weirdest places. She could have bet that Ruby who had crumbs on her head had stepped out of her oven. The people made their way to the birthday child and immediately engulfed her in hugs and happy birthday wishes and wet, sloppy pecks and kisses and the like.

She had to admit though that she loved all of the attention the townspeople gave her and was also surprised that they still cared about her in the end.

Charming walked over to her after some minor secondary characters had wished her well and clung to her with his strong arms around her. He held a little red package in front of him after they parted and gave it to his wife.

"Happy birthday, love. There are several things in there. I hope you like them."

Snow quickly pealed the wrapping off almost at the speed of light and squeaked cheerily at its content. There were mostly unicorn and cow stickers inside, but also a video cassette collection of all the seasons of "Hannah Montana" and a sort of coupon thing.

The coupon read, "Trip to the Enchanted Forest – so that we lose each other only to say 'I will always find you' to one another again". That was slightly weird but the brunette considered it to be overly romantic just like all the shit Charming had ever done. And mostly because his name was Charming and Snow really was a weird version of herself with weird hair.

Emma trotted to them and hugged her mother who seemed very happy in the moment. After the cute mother-daughter moment, she grabbed Regina and gave the mayor a way too sloppy kiss. She consequently grinned cheekily and spoke up.

"That was one of the rainbow kisses you wished for."

The former Evil Queen rolled her eyes at her girlfriend's stupidity, but in reality found the action immensely cute. She was quite glad though that the other dumbo apparently wasn't going to show up. The mayor sometimes cursed the genes when Henry talked nonsense even if he was still adorable doing it… just like his blonde mother. The sperm donor wasn't anything but annoying and "ugh". Regina didn't have appropriate words to describe him.

Nevertheless, the brunette was intrigued as to why he wasn't here. She smacked the blonde's shoulder and murmured.

"Hey, love. Where's Baelfire?"

"I dunno… MOM! Do you know where Neal is?"

Snow looked quite shocked when she eyed her daughter. In that moment, she seemingly remembered her other celebration plans. She should have cancelled them… Shit.

At Neal's

The owner of the original puppy face had been standing in front of Granny's for almost two hours. There were no lights on, but he was quite certain that Snow had said that her birthday was today and that they would meet up here. He decided to wait a little longer, probably until his brain would completely stop working.

At Snow's

The mayor shrugged her shoulders when she eyed the somehow frozen woman in front of her. She snapped her fingers a few times before Snow apparently regained consciousness.

"Oh, god. I forgot about him."

Regina just furrowed her brow and rolled her eyes at her. The former Evil Queen looked quite unamused as she gave a dry response.

"Well, nobody needs the imbecile anyway."

Snow took in a deep breath before she hissed.

"But he's family."

That was when Henry suddenly came around the corner.

The blonde was taken aback at the fact that he had just made his way out of the fridge. He chimed in with a cheeky grin grazing his face.

"SNOW JUST SAID BUTT!"

The blonde gave him her "that's only funny once"- look, but Regina breathily laughed along.

After a few seconds of partying and all

"What's that smell?" Emma spoke up her eyes searching for Cowsismoo – Sandy Bullock or whatever the fuck its name was.

She noticed the immediate reddening of her mother's cheeks and narrowed her eyes. The Sheriff stepped closer and pointed to her.

"It was you, wasn't it?"

The woman with the pixie haircut nodded and was totally embarrassed. It had to get out sooner or later… and obviously had gone out as far as ventilation and air conditioning were concerned.

The former Evil Queen suddenly fumed with rage and moved closer to the pair. She gave Snow a death stare and yelled infuriatingly at her.

"YOU'VE BEEN THE SOURCE OF THIS HIDEOUS SCENT! THIS IS THE DEATH OF YOU MISS BLANCHFART!"

Charming apparently had to have the last words.

"It does smell like butterflies."

A/N: Thanks for reading!

You have no idea how butterflies smell like? Me neither. :P

You like? Reviews are always welcome. :)