For those of you who already read this chapter, there have been a few alterations. I realized that I'd forgotten a couple vital scenes, so I added them and re-posted this chapter. And fixed a few mistakes. I hope it's still as funny...

I do not own Twilight, Star Wars, or Superman. Or Bedazzle.

Enjoy!

Bella the turtle had given much thought to how she would die. But she never thought it would be like this. She had thought she'd end up in turtle soup, or get stuck on her back for too long. But Bella guessed that if she had to die, this would be the way to go. In place of a loved one. So she looked the hunter in the eye and whispered, "At least I'm not soup."

~Turtles~

Bella the turtle and her tiny, travel-sized cactus that she dug up from some random Arizonian desert moved from warm, sunny Arizona to cold, cloudy Forks so her mother, Renee the turtle, would be happy. Because there's no way on the planet earth that Renee—who has always been an irresponsible mommy—would EVER leave her totally antisocial, 17-year-old, extraordinarily mature, friendless daughter home alone. She could throw a party with the dustbunnies under her bed…

Anyway, when she got to her father, Charlie the turtle's, house, there were two hedgehogs in the driveway with a big old truck.

"Here, ya go, Bella!" Charlie the turtle greeted her. "I got you a giant piece-of-crap truck!"

"I. Love. It." she proclaimed, running up and hugging it.

"Hi!" one of the hedgehogs introduced himself, "I'm Jacob! We made mud pies as children! Together!"

"Oh," Bella the turtle replied politely.

They talked about the truck and stuff while Billy Black the hedgehog pretended to be cool.

~Turtles~

On her first day at Forks High School, Bella the turtle met many obnoxious turtles that needed to take a course in Personal Space, who, for some totally unknown reason, took great interest in her.

Whilst eating lunch with her newfound buddies, Bella the turtle noticed a group of super-pale turtles entering the lunch room…in slo-mo…

"Hey, Jessica, who are they?"

"The Cullens…" Jessica the turtle answered. "Rosalie, the hot one; Emmet, the hot one; Alice, the excited-looking hot one; and Jasper, the hot one who looks like he could totally use some ibuprofen."

"And what about that one?"

"Who, Edward? Yeah, well, don't even try, 'cause apparently none of the girls here are…oh look, he's looking at you."

*Bell rings*

"Off to biology, Bella!" Mike the overly-friendly turtle exclaimed. "Let's walk there together!"

So Bella went to Biology where some awkward stuff happened with Edward the really pale turtle, and then he didn't come back for a week, and she was all nervous and stuff.

~Turtles~

Several weeks later at a beach party, Bella the turtle met up with Jacob the hedgehog.

"Hi, Jacob the hedgehog, fancy seeing you here!"

"Hey, Bella…" Jacob swooned.

"THE CULLENS DON'T COME HERE!" one of his hedgehog friends exploded.

Shortly after, as Bella the turtle and Jacob the hedgehog were walking along the beach together, Bella asked what he meant.

"What did he mean?" she asked.

"Darn, you noticed his little outburst?"

Bella the turtle nodded.

"Well, this beach is Quileute territory and the Cullens aren't allowed on Quileute territory 'cause we're actually were-elephants and they're albino turtles and we're all locked in an age-old battle of death and destruction but we have this treaty so they don't eat turtles and can't come on our land and that's why Embry exploded and I was hoping you wouldn't notice haha just kidding.
"No, seriously, we just don't like each other."

"I see."

~Turtles~

So one day Bella the turtle went with her friends Angela the turtle and Jessica the turtle to go shopping for dresses. After several hours of,

"How does this one look?"

"Does this one make my shell look big?"

"What about this one?"

and

"BELLA. SOME INPUT WOULD BE NICE."

Bella the turtle finally admitted that she just wanted a book.

After agreeing to meet at a restaurant afterwards, Bella went to buy her book at an old hedgehog dude's store. While she was walking to the restaurant, she suddenly felt as though she was being followed. She quickened her turtley pace, but could not escape the evil turtles encircling her. She threatened to spray them with pepper spray—oh wait, she gets that after this part. Well, either way, it doesn't work.

Suddenly, a silver car did a cool spinny move and made all the bad turtles back up. Edward the unusually pale and now very angry-looking turtle stepped out.

"Get in," he commanded. At Bella the turtle's hesitation, he added, "I have candy…"

"Oh! Okay!"

When they were both in the car, Edward the ridiculously pale turtle told Bella to distract him so he wouldn't mutilate some evil turtles.

"Why are you driving?"

"Huh?" Edward said.

"Why are you driving a car? You're a turtle."

"True," he agreed, "but that spinny move was too cool to not do. Anyways, you have a car."

"Well, I haven't driven it because I'm a turtle."

"Or have you driven it but you just don't know because it's not an important part of this story and so not included?"

"This whole story sucks. I didn't know anything in it was important."

Then they get to the restaurant, where Edward the turtle-with-some-freakish-pallor-goin'-on had dinner with Bella the regularly colored turtle.

"How did you find me?" Bella asked between bites of—what was it? Some kind of ravioli?

"I read the evil minds of those evil turtles," he replied darkly. "They were thinking evil thoughts."

"So you can read minds?"

"Yes…except yours."

"WHAT? OMG, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY BRAIN! WHY CAN'T YOU HEAR MY THOUGHTS? IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME? ORANGES—"

"So I can read minds, and you're worried there's something wrong with your head?"

"Well, yeah. Haven't you read the rest of the series?"

Edward the melanin-deficient turtle chose to ignore her in favor of going on with their script. He pointed to other turtles in the restaurant as he read their minds.

"Sex, money, sex, money, cat sex…Wait, sorry, not 'cat sex', just forgot a comma in there…" Hehehe.

~Turtles~

Bella the turtle went home and read that book she bought from the old hedgehog dude, and discovered that what Jacob the hedgehog had said was true! They really didn't like each other!

Not only that, but the Cullens were…*gasp*…albino turtles…

When Bella got to school the next day, she waited for Edward…in slo-mo…

When she saw him, instead of going to class, she went with him into the forest so conveniently located next to the school…in slo-mo…

Once they were in the forest, she dumped her backpack unto the forest floor.

"I know what you are," Bella the turtle said.

"Say it. Out loud," commanded the albino turtle named Edward.

"An-an albino," Bella answered nervously.

"So ask me the most basic question; what do we eat?"

"What do you eat?" she asked obediently.

"YOU!" And with that Edward the albino turtle ate Bella the turtle.

Hehe. Just kidding. *rewinding noise*

"An-an albino," Bella answered nervously.

"And I want to eat you so much."

"You won't hurt me."

"You need to see me in the light," Edward the albino turtle exclaimed randomly.

Edward grabbed her and carried her at super-fast-albino-turtle speed to a meadow. He put Bella down, then walked towards a beam of light peeking through the trees. He suddenly surged forward, and Bella the turtle stared at him in awe.

His skin was glittery, and all the teeny tiny sparkles were singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star…"

"I'm not afraid of you," Bella the turtle stated with confidence as the sparkles sang in the background. Then Edward got all up in her face.

"You should be."

"But I'm not."

"Here, I'll climb up this tree to become more intimidating."

"You're beautiful…"

"Oh, okay. I guess that makes it okay for me to watch you while you sleep. Not that I've been doing that…"

"What?"

"Nothing…"

*Awkward silence*

"Now I'm afraid," Bella the turtle said after a few seconds. "Of losing you."

"And so the albino turtle fell in love with the regular turtle." Edward murmured.

~Turtles~

One day the albino turtles asked Bella to play baseball with them. But God was angry with the albino turtles, because they had been drunk driving in the middle of a snowstorm in the middle of a tornado in the middle of a tsunami while the super volcano under Yellowstone erupted during the crowning of King Arthur. (I know this doesn't make sense to most of you, but to me and my buddy, it makes perfect sense and is really funny!) So God made it storm really hard, but the Albino turtles were even happier because they could play baseball. So God sent three other non-vegetarian albino turtles to join them in their game.

"Stop!" Alice exclaimed suddenly. "We have guests. Two minutes."

"Bella, put your hair down so that when the wind blows it will wave around and they will smell you and want to eat you," Edward commanded.

"Okay." Bella did as she was told.

So the non-vegetarian albino turtles entered the field and asked to play.

"That's fine; three of our players were leaving," Carlisle agreed.

The wind picked up (well, duh, it was storming) and Bella the turtle's hair blew around. The non-vegetarian albino turtle called James breathed in and said, "You brought a snack."

"You ca-an't eat her, ha haha haha ha!" Edward the albino turtle taunted in a sing-song voice. Then he, Bella, and the vegetarian albino turtle named Alice ran to the vegetarian albino turtle named Emmet's jeep and drove away.

"For some reason," Edward began angrily, "James wants to eat Bella!"

"Edward," Alice piped up, "Jasper (my totally hot turtlefriend) and I will go hide Bella in Phoenix because nobody would think to look there!"

"Okay. I guess," Edward pouted, crestfallen.

~Turtles~

Bella the turtle was in a hotel with Alice and bug-eyed Jasper, waiting for the rest of the Cullens to kill James the non-vegetarian albino turtle. Suddenly, Alice's eyes glazed over and she started drawing a room.

"That's my old ballet Studio!" Bella exclaimed.

"Oh. Well, James is gonna try to kill you there, so avoid it at all costs," Alice said indifferently.

"Okay."

Just then, the cell phone—that Bella the turtle doesn't have—rang.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Hey there Bella, I have—STUPID DVD PLAYER! WHERE THE H*** IS THE PLAY BUTTON? Oh, here it is."

*whirring of DVD player*

"Bella? Bella? Where are you? Bella? Bella? Where are you? Bella? Bella? Where are you? Bella? Bella? Where are you? Bella? Bell—"

"STUPID THING! STOP SKIPPING! Okay, we're good. So Bella, I have yo mama, and if you don't get your butt over to your old Ballet studio, she's toast. Or ON toast."

"My Ballet studio… something tells me I shouldn't go there…"

"Well, you should. And don't bring anybody with you."

"Aww, man, can't I bring Alice? She's my bestest friend!"

"No."

"Okay, I'm coming," Bella agreed, dejected. She snuck away a few hours later at an airport and took the long, sad, expensive ride to the ballet studio.

"Hello?" Bella the turtle inquired upon entering the deserted studio.

"Bella? Bella? Where are you? Bella? There you are! Why are you hiding?"

"Because I have a feeling I'm gonna get eaten someday," eight year old Bella the turtle replied to her mother on one of their home videos.

"Hey! You tricked me! No fair!" Bella whined.

"Guess what? I gotcha where I wantcha, and now I'm gonna eatcha!" James recited the chant from that one joke about the girl and the booger. Hehe, I've always loved that joke. "But first I'm gonna act like a creeper, and then video tape you yelling and getting eaten."

"And I'm gonna stink at acting anything besides pain!" Bella added, delighted.

"You smell yummy."

"Thank you. Hey, what the heck?" Bella demanded as James broke her leg. "I'm gonna pepper spray you!" She took out her pepper spray and pepper sprayed him. Nothing happened. Then she saw Clark Kent walking just outside the ballet studio.

"Help me!" Bella cried desperately. He looked her straight in the eye.

"No. I'm going on a date with Lois Lane. Up, up and away!" he yelled as he ripped off his business suit to reveal an awkwardly tight leotard thing and took off.

"Eew," James and Bella said at the same time.

Just then, Edward slammed open the door and unsheathed his light saber. It was honey-colored, like his eyes.

"DON'T EAT HER!" Edward the vegetarian albino turtle roared as he leapt at James. But James was ready. He'd pulled out a red light saber. They fought.

"You're alone 'cause you're the fastest. But not the goodest at light saber-ing," James the non-vegetarian albino turtle taunted.

"I'm gooder enough to defeat you!" Edward retorted. He cut James's right hand off.

"Good thing I'm… AMBIDEXTRIOUS!" James yelled madly. Then he cut off Edward's bangs because they were sticking straight up and looked funny.

"Not my HAIR!" Edward cried. "First my father, now my hair!"

James looked at him knowingly.

"YOU KILLED HIM! YOU KILLED MY FATHER!" Edward screeched in fury.

"No, Edward," James began viciously. "I AM your Father!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"YES!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!"

"PLEASE, GOD, NOOOOOOO!"

But God ignored him because he was still angry.

"BWAHAHAHAHA! YEEEEEESSSSSSS!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT CAN'T BE TRUUUUUUUUUUUUUE!"

"You're right. It's not."

"Really?" Edward asked happily.

"Yup. It's not true."

"But you killed him!" Edward said angrily.

"Nope. I've never even met your father."

"Oh. Well, I still have to kill you."

"Okay, just hang on one second." James the non-vegetarian albino turtle walked over to Bella the turtle, grabbed her hand, and carefully bit her. Then Alice, Jasper, Emmet, and Carlisle the vegetarian albino turtles came and shoved James away from Bella. Emmet, Jasper, and Alice proceeded to slice him up with their light sabers. Alice's had been bedazzled.

"Aaaaahhhh!" screamed Bella (doing the only good acting in the whole stinkin' movie) as the albino turtle venom spread.

"Edward, you can let her change and be safe, or keep her turtle and almost get her killed time and time again," Carlisle said as Alice, Emmet, and Jasper the vegetarian albino turtles ripped James into many tiny pieces and burned him up. MUAHAHAHAHAAA!

"I want her to almost die a bunch of times because I wasn't smart enough to turn her," Edward replied determinedly.

"You have to suck the venom out."

"Mmmmmm" Edward sighed as he drank Bella the regular turtle's blood.

"STOP EDWARD! YOU'RE GONNA KILL HER!"

~Turtles~

Bella the turtle woke up in the hospital with Edward 'sleeping' in the corner. Her mother Renee leaned over her, relieved to see that she was awake.

"Oh, Bella! You're awake!"

"Fo sho," Bella replied sleepily.

"You're gonna love it in Jacksonville, there's sun, and water, and—"

"I'm staying in Forks," Bella stated, now wide awake.

"We'll talk it over. I've gotta call Phil." Renee looked guilty as she left.

As soon as she did, Edward rushed to the side of Bella's bed.

"You need rest," he insisted as he jabbed the button that distributed pain meds seven or eight times. "Our story is that you fell down two flights of stairs and fell out a window, and as you lay broken on the ground, a hobo came and bit you in the arm."

"Okay…" Bella sighed as she fell into unconsciousness.

(I'd just like to point out, they never do cover James's bite…Maybe nobody noticed the giant bite mark in her wrist?)

~Turtles~

"EdwardEdward!ComeseeBella!" Alice the albino turtle squealed in excitement. She had dressed Bella the turtle in a very fancy dress and done her hair and makeup. Even though she had a ginourmous (and largely distracting and probably dangerous) leg cast.

"Cool," he said quietly.

"LetsgoLetsgo!" Alice continued excitedlier.

"Where are we going?" Bella asked curiously.

"It's a surprise," Alice and Edward replied at the same time.

Bella hobbled on her cast to the car. Edward helped her in. Then he got into the Driver's seat and, well, drove. (Even though he's a turtle.)

To school?

"Oh, no!" Bella cried in realization. "Prom? You're taking me to prom?"

"Yeah, well, I saw how clumsy you were and wanted you to break something else while you attempt to dance with me." He helped her out of the car. "Will you wait here? I'll be right back."

When Edward left, Jacob the hedgehog stepped out of the bushes.

"Hey, Bella," he began shyly. "My dad wanted me to tell you to stay away from the Cullens. He said it, not me. You look nice," Jacob added thoughtfully.

Edward returned. Jacob the hedgehog and Edward the albino turtle had a stare down.

"Bye, Bella," Jacob muttered as he stalked off.

Edward looked at Bella the turtle.

"Jeez, Bella, I leave you alone for two minutes and the elephants descend."

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Your pal,

SupreOreoMan