Harry Potter and the Series of Unfortunate legends of Drizzt
Or Else: A Series of Unfortunate legends of Drizzt including Harry Potter, Duskwing, Nancy Drew, Tintin, Garfield and Endimyon Spring and the Seven Shattered Twilight Abhorsens at Icemark during the invasion of Warriors and a couple of Star Wars, as well as Jonathan Strange inside a Mango-Shaped Space with an Irish Chain.
Or Else: Why Different Stories should Never, Under any Circumstances, be Combined by a Group of High-School Girls for their own Personal Amusement.
Foreword:
This novel is a conjoined effort- four teenage girls, each with vastly different writing styles, have worked together over the course of thirteen months to bring to you this more-than-slightly-pointless crossover: the fanfiction to end all fanfictions.
Whether you are a loyal fanpire from the Twilight cult, or a devout Harry Potter Trivia geek, or a cover-to-cover reader of Lemony Snicket's failure of a final book, or a Star Wars addict, or… pretty much a fan of any book, actually- then this is the story for you.
If you've ever wondered what happens when characters that were never meant to meet are thrown together, read on. If not- read on anyways.
We'll make it worth your while.
Not-that-sincerely,
Danji (dream_in_shadow,) Rachacha (Darth Elle,) Thistle (CrimsonTearsXDeidara,) and Sophie (Foam Weber)
P.S: We do not own any of the characters or settings used in this story.
Introductions
We had to start SOMEHOW…
A Mango-Shaped Space
Mia's Intro:
"I don't want to go to Forks!" shouted Mia, slamming the door behind her. She was furious at having been forced into it; ever since she had re-gained her synthesia after the death of Mango, her parents had become more and more distant. Now they were making her go to Forks to live with some relative or another named Tintin. Who would want to go live with someone with a name like Tintin?
But the arrangements had quickly been made, and it was already the night before the short flight. She was doing that alone as well. Furious, Mia buried her face in the pillow and turned on her radio, tuning in to a soft classical music station. Normally, the music- and the beautiful colours that resulted from it- would soothe Mia, but tonight, she could barely see the colours past her own red rage.
Sevens:
Meena, Peter, Jane, Jeremy, and Danny's Intro:
Meena stared out the window at the uninspiring landscape, depression sinking over her. She could not understand why she was feeling like this; after all, she, Jane, Peter, Danny, and Jeremy were going to New York to celebrate graduating high school, Steven was locked away, and the bus had air-conditioning. What reason could she have for feeling depressed?
Peter, sitting at the very back of the bus, was in no better a mood. His wheelchair was strapped in place, and in addition to being forced to sit far away from his friends, he had to endure pitying stares from the rest of the passengers. He reached over into his chair's side pocket to retrieve a book, when suddenly...
BANG- Whoosh!
Jane looked up in time to see the entire front end of the bus disintegrate as flames shot towards her. With a cry of sheer terror, she threw herself to the ground. She felt the heat burning the back of her neck, then... nothing.
Jeremy threw himself down next to Jane, his brain working frantically. What had happened? How would they get out? What had become of the others? Then something heavy struck him, and he lost consciousness.
Danny was thrown clear of the bus by the explosion, ploughing into the ground a good twenty feet away. He saw Meena a short distance from him. She wasn't moving. Heart racing, he glanced back and saw the bus in flames. Shouting, he got up and began to run away from the potential explosion.
There were screams, but they quickly became silenced.
Twilight
Alice, Bella, and Edward
"Bella, love, it's okay- you don't have to go if you don't want to." Edward's voice was as smooth as silk.
Bella rolled her eyes. "You know how much Alice enjoys these shopping trips."
Edward smoothed Bella's hair out with the palm of his hand, soothing her. "I'll only be gone hunting for one afternoon. Then I'll be back, and we can be alone together."
Bella nodded, opened Edward's bedroom door, and headed into the hallway. Edward followed her, completely and utterly silent. As usual.
"Bella, are you ready to go?" Alice's melodic voice travelled up the stairs.
"Yeah." Bella forced a smile onto her face and kissed Edward goodbye. "See you tonight."
Edward waved goodbye as Alice dragged Bella out of the front door.
"Port Angeles, here we come." Alice grinned, her eyes shining with happiness.
Tintin
Tintin and Milou's Intro:
C'était un jour triste et malheureux. Le silence était partout, seulement brisé par le son du vent.... Then, the story switched to English, and everybody felt a lot better. Tintin was sitting at the breakfast table with Milou, wondering why everything was suddenly in English, when the mail came in.
"Bill, bill, bill..." Tintin muttered under his breath, searching through the letters.
"Oh look, a letter from the Winchells." Tintin tore it open.
Dear Tintin,
Our daughter Mia is coming to stay with you. We hope you don't mind. She should arrive at your house in six days.
Tintin checked the date on the letter. It was dated six days ago. Great. Tintin pushed it to the back of his mind, and went back to wondering why everything was now in English.
Warriors:
General Cat's Intro:
Firestar padded silently through the forest, focused on the prey in front of him. Fresh-kill was abundant this new-leaf, but the clan was larger than ever. He crouched, then pounced on the mouse. He was about to pick it up to return to camp when a familiar scent crossed his path. Spottedleaf! Firestar looked around eagerly.
"Spottedleaf?" He asked when he couldn't see her.
"Firestar...... I have a message from Starclan....grave danger is approaching. Beware the one with red hair...." her soft voice seemed to come from all around him. Now confused, Firestar picked up his fresh-kill and headed back to his clan.
Sevens:
Danny's Intro continued:
Danny, the only passenger who was not dead or unconscious, stood up shakily. He went over to Meena and examined her. Seeing no clear damage, he left her on the road and ran towards the bus. "Jeremy? Peter? Jane?" he called. "Anyone?" He looked around for help, but the road was deserted. However, he could see a village in the distance. He glanced at the bus. The flames had gone out, but he could not help the survivors by himself. Torn between wanting to see how the rest had fared and the more sensible option of finding others to help, he felt around in his pocket, retrieved his medication, swallowed a few pills to calm himself, and began sprinting towards the village.
Star Wars:
Darth Vader's Intro:
Darth Vader awoke with a start. He looked around sleepily. This ... he started. Then stopped. "You! Over there!" he shouted at the nearest Stormtrooper.
"Me?" the young man asked quietly.
"Yeah, you!" he said. Lowering his voice a notch, he asked "What's this thing called again?"
"What thing?" the Stormtrooper replied, confused.
"You know, this big thing that flies, with the lasers..." Darth Vader made laser sounds to emphasize.
"You mean the Ultimate Good Destroyer?" the Stormtrooper asked.
"Yeah, that." Darth Vader paused and continued his musing. This Ultimate Good Destroyer was such a good idea. Of course, all the good ideas come from me. Those lowly white-suits don't seem to understand the effort it takes to come up with good ideas...
He kept on thinking about how amazing he was until he fell asleep once more.
Twilight
Jacob
Jacob ran through the forest, feeling the wind blow in his face and the trees brush against his fur. He sighed in contentment. Although the sky was- as usual- covered in dense grey clouds, the air was warm with the promise of summer. The morning dew that had collected on the ground glistened. The birds sang. Everything seemed to be quite peaceful in Jacob's mind.
Well, at least for a few moments.
Jacob! A strong, confident voice penetrated Jacob's thoughts. I have a favour to ask of you!
Huh? Jacob was startled by this sudden demand. He wasn't sure who had just called to him. It wasn't any of his friends, or anyone that he knew.
It's me- Professor Lupin.The voice answered. I am a friend of the council's. I'm not surprised that you don't remember me. The last time I saw you, Jacob, you were a little boy.
Um... Okay.There was an awkward pause. So what's this favour that you want to "ask of me?"
I used to teach at a certain school, and I am friends with the headmaster. He tells me that some of his students are coming to Forks for a… school trip, and was wondering if you would do us a favour by being their tour guide of Forks for the time that the students are here. Professor Lupin's voice had acquired a slight pleading edge.
Jacob rolled his eyes. Great. He was going to have to be a babysitter.
They're all around your age. Professor Lupin clarified.
Okay... Fine. Jacob sighed.
Great! Professor Lupin's voice was full of enthusiasm. They'll arrive in around a day. Have fun, Jacob!
Sure. Jacob turned around and headed off in the direction of The Quileute Reserve.
Legend of Drizzt:
Wulfgar, Cattie-Brie, and Drizzt's Intro
Wulfgar and Cattie-Brie sat in Lady Alustriel's palace, making arrangements for their upcoming wedding. They were bickering about what to wear on their special day when Drizzt walked into the room. Drizzt always seemed to be around nowadays and neither Cattie-Brie nor Wulfgar could think of a way to get rid of him without ruining the surprise. For some obscure reason Wulfgar wanted to keep the wedding a surprise until the week before, as was the custom of his tribe. Cattie-Brie thought that was the just plain stupid, how were they supposed to keep such a huge affair a secret. Bruenor, Cattie-brie's "Father," had already made thousands of sloppy wedding invitations- really, dwarves just aren't meant to do arts and crafts- for every single person they knew, and then some. These invitations, along with all their wedding decorations, had all been hidden in one of Lady Alustriel's closets, which were the size of any normal house. Thanks to Wulfgar's insistence on keeping tradition, Drizzt remained oblivious to the wedding.
Garfield:
Garfield's Intro:
"Breakfast, Garfield!" Jon called. Groaning, Garfield slowly got out of his bed. It promptly fell over on top of him.
Darn Mondays, he grumbled, his voice muffled. He struggled out from under his bed, and finally made it to breakfast.
"Oh, and, by the way Garfield-" Jon paused to make sure that Garfield was listening,
"You're going to have to be out of the house today for a while. I have a date." He smiled proudly.
What? Garfield was shocked. Outside, on a Monday?
"What's the worst that could happen?" Jon asked, chuckling.
A Series of Unfortunate Events:
Violet, Klaus, Sunny, and Count Olaf's Intro:
"There are some words, of course, that are better left unsaid- but not, I believe, the word uttered by my niece, a word which here means that the story is over.
Beatrice."
Violet, Klaus, and Sunny breathed a sigh of relief.
"Well, that's finally over," said Violet. "Now what?"
"Find sugar bowl," said Sunny.
"Yes," agreed Klaus. "That idiot Lemony Snicket didn't let us solve anything during our first two years as orphans- maybe now we can finally get something done."
"Grebati!" shrieked Beatrice. Sunny picked her up. "Food later," she told the baby.
"No, let's eat now," said Klaus. "We can celebrate the beginning of the end!"
"But that makes no sense," said Violet. "We'd cease to exist if nobody were to write about us, and Lemony Snicket gave up. So who would take up our story again?"
"Dunno," said Sunny. "Hope they not bad as Lemony"
The four orphans were silent as they wondered what their new writer was like. They got an unfortunate idea of the writer's personality as they heard a shout from behind them.
"Orphans!" cried someone. The three Baudelaires turned, and even Beatrice shot a sidelong glance at the man chasing their boat in his own raft.
"No way!" cried Sunny. For Count Olaf, looking as greasy and malicious as ever, had caught up to them.
"You died!" cried Violet. "Why are you alive again?"
Count Olaf gave them a wicked grin. "The rules have changed, Baudebrats."
He leapt aboard. The other passengers of the boat saw that he had his old red harpoon gun with him, and had loaded it, not with metal hooks, but...
"Bones," said Klaus faintly. "You used Kit's bones as hooks."
Beatrice began to cry.
"Poetic justice, isn't it?" said Olaf. He levelled the harpoon gun at the infant and, before the other orphans could do anything, had pulled the trigger.
"Welcome aboard," said Olaf. "Now paddle that way- we're off to find the sugar bowl."
The Baudelaires looked at each other, stricken tears filling their eyes. They had complained about Lemony Snicket's vague, inconclusive style, but this writer's style seemed to be much, much worse.
Twilight
Alice and Bella
Bella tapped her fingers against the hard, smooth surface of the dashboard, anticipating the moment that this shopping trip would be over. Alice was driving along one of the main streets in Port Angeles, eyeing the stores as they flew by at an incredible speed.
"Oh, no!" Alice cried, her face crumpling in disappointment. "Why today?"
"What's wrong?" Bella was startled out of her daydreams, alarm in her voice. "Did you see something?"
"They closed my favourite little boutique early today." Alice groaned, shaking her head in dismay. "I really wanted to take you there. They have the nicest dresses, perfect for social gatherings. It would have been so fun!"
"It's okay, Alice, really." Bella patted Alice's shoulder sympathetically, trying to contain a smile. "We can go some other time."
"I suppose," Alice grumbled, her mood slightly less cheerful then before. But then her face lit up, an idea occurring to her. She swung the car around , heading back towards Forks.
"Where are we going?" demanded Bella, startled by the sudden decision. "Are we leaving?"
"Don't worry, we'll be right back." Alice chirped. "I just remembered that I have a key to that store which I acquired a few years ago. It's at my house."
Bella rolled her eyes and leaned her head against the side of the car, wondering why Alice didn't just break into the store.
Nancy Drew
Nancy Drew
Nancy Drew looked around the small room- her new apartment. It had looked big without any furniture, but now, with her bed, wardrobe, vanity mirror, desk, and bookshelf, her bedroom was a little smaller then she had expected. And really- who these days had closets that size? Only half of her clothes would fit!
Nancy sighed and got to work organizing her things.
Star Wars
Darth Vader
Darth Vader woke up again, but this time to a loud, annoying noise. Beep, beep, beep... The alarm!
"WHAT'S HAPPENING?!?!" Darth Vader shouted.
"Something's wrong! This ship is going to explode!" answered the Stormtrooper.
Darth Vader sighed. Why do his cool inventions always blow up?
"Well I'm going to escape now. Nice knowing you White-suit!" And Darth Vader ran to the escape pods. He escaped just as his Ultimate Good Destroyer blew up. He sighed again and looked down at the radar. He was within range of Earth. Although it must be the single most boring planet in the entire universe, it was quite close. So Darth Vader set the coordinates and sat back to wait.
Tintin
Haddock's Intro:
C'était un jour triste et malheureux. Le silence était partout, seulement brisé par le son du vent.... Then, the story switched to English, and everybody felt a lot better. Capitaine Haddock sat in his favourite armchair, smoking his pipe. He loved his pipe, even though he knew he could it could cause cancer, and it really helped him through these miserable days. But even with his pipe to calm him, as soon as the story switched to English, Capitaine Haddock jumped up from his armchair, trying to think of an English expletive he could use to convey his surprise. Unable to come up with anything, he settled for "Who's bloody fault is THIS????" and dashed to the room Tintin was in, cursing the best he could.
Garfield:
Jon's Intro:
The creaking of the door opening caught Jon's attention as he was preparing Garfield's dinner.
"Garfield, you're late for supper. Where have you been? You should have been here an hour ago." Jon said, without turning around. There was no reply. Suddenly, there was a quiet whisper from behind, a flash of green light, and Jon fell to the floor, dead.
Twilight
Jacob
There. Jacob smoothed out the colourfully patterned quilt in front of him, letting his hands trace the delicate patterns. The beds for the guests were made up, and the spare guest room was clean. Now Jacob could do whatever he wanted for the rest of the afternoon.
What did he want to do?
Jacob quickly thought through his options. His friends were out by the cliffs, diving. Even though it was nice out today, he had decided against joining them. He was not quite in the right mood today. And Bella was probably hanging around those annoying bloodsuckers, enjoying their company.
Jacob sighed. It was back to the forest for him until the students arrived.
Cry of the Icemark
Thirrin, Tharaman-Thar
"Thirrin, are you sure you want the spell tested on you?" asked Oskan. He was very opposed to his wife being subjected to his and Maggiore's experiment, but she had refused point-blank to allow him to use anyone else.
"Yes," she said, scowling. "Besides, you and Maggie said it was perfectly safe."
"Well, yes but-" said Oskan.
"Just do it," said Thirrin, in a tone that indicated that she would not allow any further negotiation.
Oskan sighed and turned to Maggiore. It had, after all, been his idea to combine modern technology and magic to make a teleportation device.
"Okay, but once we start, there's no turning ba-"
"JUST DO IT!" cried Thirrin.
Oskan steeled himself. "Ready?" he called to Maggiore.
"Yes," he answered.
Maggiore pulled the lever and Oskan began to thread magic into the device. As he had predicted, the spell soon began to take a life of its own- but it would hopefully be constrained by the machine Maggie had built.
"What's that racket?" came a voice from the doorway. Tharaman-Thar, King of the Snow Leopards, had poked his head into the room.
"No! You can't be here when the spell-" began Thirrin.
But she never got a chance to finish.
BANG!!!
The spell hit both Thirrin and Tharaman while the machine exploded into a blazing inferno. Neither Oskan nor Maggie had a chance to protect themselves- they were burned to ash before anyone could move. Now the fire was pelting towards Thirrin and Tharaman, but the teleportation spell had begun to take hold. The first wave of hot air had barely touched the two rulers before they both felt themselves being catapulted through nothingness.
Harry Potter
Harry Potter, Ron, Hermione, and Dumbledore's Intro :
It was near midnight, and the Hogwarts Castle was practically silent. Nearly everyone was away for the Summer Break, and the few who remained were sound asleep... all, except for the Headmaster, Dumbledore. He was sitting at his desk, long fingers interlocked, poised as if waiting for something. Soft shadows danced on the walls, and the only light came from the chink of moonlight falling across Dumbledore's face.
There was a soft knock on the door. "Come in," said Dumbledore. A slight boy with jet-black hair slipped in.
"You said you had a mission for me?" said the boy eagerly. "I can't wait! When do I start? I hope it's dangerous! Can I-"
"Shh!" interrupted Dumbledore. "Harry, you are completely ruining the scene! Didn't you read the lovely paragraph I put up about how silent and eerie the castle was?"
Harry's face fell. "Sorry, Professor."
"Ah well, no harm done. Now, about your mission... I want you, Ron, and Hermione to go to Forks. There seems to be an inordinate amount of unintentionally cast under-age magic originating from there."
Harry looked disappointed. "That's it? Go and recruit students?"
Dumbledore nodded. Harry sighed and got up. Just as he reached the door, Dumbledore said: "And Harry... Professor Trelawney has made another prophecy."
Harry turned around, more interested. "What?" he asked eagerly. "About me, no doubt."
Dumbledore shrugged. "I do not think it was real. 'Everyone will die.' I mean, how bona fide could something like that be?"
***