Harry: Hey, J K, trying to think of a new title? How 'bout "Harry Potter and the Cheerleader Fan Club". C'mon, whatdaya say?

Ron: Shut up, everybody! Figure skating is on!

Viktor: *watching the figure skating with Ron breathlessly* Oh my God...Triple-axel, did you see that? *shakes his head* Now THAT'S magical.

Lockhart: Alright, everybody, take a deep breath and let's think things out logically.

Crouch: That's okay, Percy, everybody has "blonde moments."

Hermione: Has anybody else noticed that the I am a dead ringer for Audrey Hepburn? No? Well, your loss.

Peter: Woohoo! Harry, guess what Rowling's new book is?! *holds up book* "Peter Pettigrew and the Cheerleader Fan Club." *jumps up and down* IN YOUR FACE, BIG DISGRACE!

Dumbledore: Would anyone care for a celery stick?

James: "Prongs"?! What kind of a stupid name is that? How about "The Ladies Man."

Lily: Ha ha, ha ha, NO.

Winky: *muttering as she cleans* Scrub this, polish that, I'll make 'em all pay one day....

Oliver Wood: 4-H Club RULES!

Hagrid: Hello and good day. My most distinguished name is Reubus Hagrid, and my cherished title is the notable gamekeeper of the dear institution, Hogwarts. (a/n: notice there are no "yeh"'s and such slang in there....that's NOT Hagrid...Oh well, that was just insightful, not really funny)

Voldemort: Let's have a tickle fight! (tickles Moody)

Moody: *cracking up* No! Stop it! NOOOO! Tee hee! Not behind the ears! NOOO! Not fair!

Karakoff: Kiss ma ass, Voldy-Wart! I'm bein' a rappa! Dat's right! *smacks his butt* Kiss it!

Narcissa: Ew, Draco's home??? Ugh. I'm going Pro-Choice 'cause of that little monster.

Fred and George: *coldly* Would you ruffians care to be a tad less puerile? Percy, you're truly being embarrassing, stop it right now.

Bill: Ha! You wanna know how I got my ear pierced? *smugly* Ginny did it for me at her last slumber party.

Seamus: Wooh! Get a load of that "Lucky Charms" psycho.

Fat Lady: *mistily* Did it ever occur to you dear little ones that the whole world is merely one open portal in which we are forever jumping through to begin one journey or another? No? Well, then PISS OFF!!!

Peeves: Hello, and welcome to your flight. Thank you for choosing British Airlines. Your in-flight movie is "Poltergeist" and today's dinner will be a choice of either Nibbles or Moldy Death Cake.

Nearly Headless Nick: Ugh, Harry Potter, he's such a little snotty gi--Oh, hello, Mr. Potter!

Myrtle: *singing* Always look on the briiiight side of life. *whistles* Always look on the briiiiight side of death. *whistles*

Dementor: Anybody got a breath mint? I gotta give that hot number in cell #684 a little smooch.

Quirrel: Actually, having Voldemort on the back of my head wasn't so bad. You know, it's fun to have a little buddy back there to cover up your male-pattern baldness, tell you stories, and sing you a nice song to perk you up when you're down.

Draco: I'm becoming a lay worker to help the needy in Kosovo!

Crabbe/Goyle: Screw you! *stuff Draco in a trash can*