Dear Boss: A
Confession
by Angela
12-25-06
A noise woke Ash. He sat up, glancing immediately to the sagging bed next to his. Eiji was there, sound asleep. Morning sunlight streamed through the cracked and filthy window, and Ash wished for the millionth time that Blanca hadn't found their place uptown. Since leaving there they'd been living in crack houses and condemned buildings – not exactly cheerful places to wake up up after a night of restless sleep.
Searching for the source of the noise, Ash glanced around the room. Everything was exactly as he'd left it the night before, even his jacket and shoes were in the same pile on the dirty floor. Then he noticed a rectangle of white near the door. A note?
The bed springs squealed as he got up. Ash froze, glancing at Eiji, but the older boy only mumbled in his sleep, grasping for a firmer hold on the rolled up shirt he was using for a pillow. Ash crept across the cold cement floor and scooped up the intruding paper. His name was scrawled in messy handwriting on the outside.
Inside, the writing was neater. Ash leaned on the door frame and read.
Dear Boss, So you don't hafta
skip to the end first, I guess I should say that this is Alex. I have
something to tell you. Something important. You're not gonna like it.
I wanna start by saying that I didn't do nothing that crossed
any line. Well, not any real important line. I mean, I guess I wanted
to; you could even say I tried, but nothing happened. Still, because
of what I wanted, and because of what could'a happened, I figure I
should tell you about it. You're my boss, after all, and if you wanna
kick me out or beat me up or even shoot me over this, I get it. But I
hope you won't, and that's why it's important that I tell you about
it myself, before any of the other guys find out. I'm having Sing
write all this down for me. He's smart and says he knows how to spell
and shit, plus, he says he'll write down everything I say, not adding
junk or fixing it up so it don't sound like me. I got to know him
back there in the sewers, and he's a decent kid. I guess you could
call us friends now, and I know he won't go blabbing this out to
anyone. Got that, Sing? I trust you to keep yer yap shut. Anyway,
let's start by making it clear that I can get girls. Plenty of girls.
You know that. There's always chicks hanging around, hoping to get in
with someone with a little bit of power, and since you never want
nothing to do with them, Boss, I basically got my pick of 'em. So
what I did, it wasn't 'cause I was desperate or nothing. I mean,
there's a difference. Someone like you, who chooses to, um, do
whatever, is really different from some loser on the street who'll do
it 'cause he can't hook up with any girls, even skanks. I just want
to make sure that everyone knows I ain't like that. I got
girlfriends. Not right now, maybe, but usually there's one or two on
the line, right? So it wasn't about that. You see, it started
when you left us. I guess it turned out that you left because of Eiji
and Dino Golzine and something Yut Lung said, but that's when it
started. We didn't know why you left, then Sing said he saw you in
Golzine's car. Then Eiji came up with this idea about rescuing
you. Wait. It actually starts before that. Way before that.
Remember when we raided Golzine's mansion with the Chinatown gang,
coming to find you? When you told me to take Eiji someplace safe? To
watch out for him? Well, at the time I didn't get it. You never
bothered to hang out with guys who couldn't take care of their
selves, so this extra attention for this kid didn't make a lot of
sense. But I ain't here to ask questions, so I did what you said. I
figured he must be some kind of Chinese prince or something, someone
important that you had to watch out for 'cause Shorter Wong asked you
to, and I always knew you two was tight. But then I got to
know him a little. I figured out right away that he wasn't no prince,
not even Chinese, either. In fact, for all I could tell, he was just
some helpless kid who didn't know nothing about nothing. I didn't get
it. But he was always around, always by your side. I sort of figured
it out, the way he could make you smile. It was like you two were the
only people in the room sometimes. So I watched out for him.
Maybe more than you even asked. Sometimes you weren't there, and he
was worried. So I talked to him. And sometimes he had some extra food
made up, so he gave me some. It turned out he was an okay guy. I
mean, he still didn't know shit about nothing that we did, but he was
decent. He took care of us, kinda. And then they said you were
dead on TV. I didn't believe it, not really. I never said I was the
new boss or nothing, not like I would if I had a reason to know you
were dead for real. But I wasn't sure. Not like Eiji. Him and Sing
showed up out of nowhere – none of us had seen them for ages –
saying that you were alive and that we all had to go rescue you. It
was crazy. All the guys were looking at them, just two skinny
Oriental kids telling wild stories, and they didn't believe it. But
Eiji had something in his eyes, some kind of conviction that made me
want to do what he said anyway, no matter how crazy it was. You
showed up the next minute, so it didn't really matter, but that
always stuck with me, that Eiji never believed that you were dead. He
was so sure, even when none of us could be sure of anything. So
things were more or less back to normal for a bit, but then you left.
Like I said, you just took off and didn't tell no one where you was
going. You didn't tell Eiji, neither. That surprised me. I thought
he'd be in on it, that he was the one you talked to about stuff you
didn't even tell me. But even he didn't know. He was so freaked out,
Boss. If you could'a seen him you'd understand everything I was
feeling. He looked so lost. Even with that old Japanese guy around,
he never seemed right when you were gone. I just wanted to
watch out for him, like you told me to. I started hanging out at the
apartment more often, mostly just to make sure that he was okay, but
after about a week I finally just moved in. It made sense at the
time, even though you probably won't like it. I didn't sleep in your
bed or nothing – I stayed on the couch. Anyway, a few days later,
Sing shows up saying how he saw you in Golzine's car. That's
when Eiji decided we had to rescue you. I wish it was me who had the
idea first, but it was Eiji and Sing. And Eiji said he wanted me to
teach him to shoot. I thought he was nuts. A kid like him shouldn't
be messing around with guns. I didn't want to teach him. I figured he
was better off going back to Japan or whatever, and not getting any
more tangled up in this. But his eyes, Boss. He looked at me and
sorta demanded it, and there wasn't no way I could refuse. It's not
that he's stronger than me, but somehow he makes it impossible for me
to say no. I didn't get it then, and I still don't really, though I
guess I have some idea now. The lessons were easy enough to
arrange. We did it on the roof of that building on King Street. Down
there, no one would say nothing about the gunshots. He was lousy! We
practiced for three hours and still he couldn't hit a beer bottle at
twenty feet. He kept closing his eyes, flinching like he was afraid
of the noise. The guys who came up with us got bored and left. Hell,
the sun was going down and I was half starved. I wanted to leave,
too. But Eiji, he was determined to get it right. His eyes
got all fierce, and he kept asking for more bullets. So I gave him
more. Finally, he hit the damned thing. You should'a seen him. I
never saw I guy more proud of a lucky shot before. He missed the next
one by a mile, and so he turned to me, all confused. Wanted to know
what he was doing wrong, and what he did right the time before. So
then I did the same as I done with my cousins, the same as I done
with Skip. I went behind him and put my arms around him, to show him
how to sight and how to hold the pistol steady. His hands were hot,
even though it was fucking cold out there, and his legs were all
shaking like he was scared or something. Together we shot the hell
out of a couple of cans, until it seemed like he got it. I was sort
of relieved to let go, when he said he was okay without me. But sort
of not. When I pulled back, I noticed that it made me feel
weird. Sad, almost. I didn't wanna let go. His breath was warm on my
cheek and his cold ear pressed against mine. It felt good, like when
I danced with Marcie at that thing she had at her school: I mean, I
felt stupid for being all dressed up like I was supposed to impress
someone, and dancing was kind of dumb, too, but the being close
thing, all by itself, it was good. Better than sex even, because
there wasn't no pressure to do nothing. I'm not saying that
teaching Eiji how to shoot was better than sex, Boss. Believe me, I
ain't saying nothing like that – it's just that it reminded me of
that time with Marcie. It was the only other time I ever been so near
to someone who wasn't family without needing to kill 'em or kiss 'em,
see? So then, even as I was mulling over this weird new thing,
Eiji hits four cans, right in a row. It must've just clicked or
something. He grinned at me all happy-like, and though I should'a
stayed fierce, I couldn't help but grin back. He's got that kind of
sway on people, don't he? Sing says it's infectious joy, but that
makes it sound like a disease. I just think he's the kind of guy who
makes people want to be happy, no matter what they might really be
feeling. You know what I'm saying, Boss? He does that to you, too,
don't he? So anyways, to end the lesson on a good note, I
suggested we head back. Eiji agreed. On the way back, I didn't want
to talk. I was feeling weird about Eiji, wanting to walk close to him
or whatever, and more than that, wanting him to want to walk close to
me. It was so stupid, like he was some hot girl and I was like some
thirteen-year-old virgin or something. No offense to you, Sing. There
ain't nothing wrong with bein' a thirteen-year-old virgin. It's just
that it's weird, not knowing what to do for a change. I mean, if he
was a girl, I would'a been using some of my moves, putting my arm
around her to keep her warm, or just flirting or something. But he
wasn't a girl. He was Eiji. Not only is he a guy, which is a new
thing for me, but he also sort of seems to belong to Ash Lynx. That
makes him a hundred kinds of trouble for a guy like me. I
wanna step back here to say that I really don't know what kind of
relationship the two of you have, Boss. I mean, there's some
speculation among the boys – respectful speculation, though –
that you two are paired off in a romantic way. Some even wager that
the two of you share a bed, though I wanna say right now that I'm not
one of those. I mean, it's certainly none of my business if you do,
but that ain't the feeling I get from you two. I mean, you told me
all about your past – and don't worry, I won't repeat any of that
here in front of Sing; I'm good at keeping secrets – so I
understand a lot of stuff about you that the others don't. And so
even if the two of you don't know each other in any kind of biblical
sense, though, that don't mean he's not special. So the next
day when Eiji wants more shooting lessons, I want to blow him off.
I'd been avoiding him all afternoon, even skipping dinner when he
made that sukiyaki stuff that tastes great even if it looks like
slop. When he came to me to ask if we was going back out to shoot
some more, I pretended I was busy with stuff. I honestly barely
looked at him 'cause it felt so strange. I expected him to sort of
sulk off, dejected, but that wasn't what he did. He looked me
straight in the eyes and told me that if he didn't learn to shoot
then our plan to rescue you wasn't going to work, and didn't I care
about my boss a bit more than that? I felt like shit. He was
right. But I wasn't going to be alone with him, so I gathered up Kong
and Bones and made them come along, too. I was jittery and jumpy the
whole time, but Eiji shot all right after a while and we went home.
Mostly Bones talked to Eiji as we walked back, and I kind of hung
behind, not wanting anyone to notice me. Well, sort of. Secretly, I
wanted Eiji to notice I was being quiet, to turn around and ask me
what was wrong. But he didn't. Just as well. I didn't have nothing to
answer with. The next day Eiji wanted to practice before
dinner. He said it was the last chance we'd get, since we were gonna
crash that party of yours the day after, and we all needed to get to
sleep early. I couldn't blow him off, not after what he said last
time, so I tried to get some of the guys to come with me. But they
were all busy. Sing had a bunch of them rounding up extra ammo and
costumes and all kinds of crazy shit for the rescue mission. Gotta
say, Sing's really got it together when it comes to stuff like this.
He thinks of everything. So, even though I'm still feeling
strange about it, Eiji and I headed off alone to target practice. At
first it was okay – he shot on one side and I shot on the other. He
wasn't bad, considering he'd had only two days' worth of training.
His arms are stronger than they look, I think, and he's able to hold
the gun steadier than I expected. But then he starts messing up. He
missed five in a row and then looked at me, all worried and confused,
and started asking questions I can't answer. What if he messes up and
what if he can't shoot a person and what if Dino decides to hurt you
instead of letting us have you back? He was the crux of the
plan, you see. He insisted that he had to be the one to go in there
after you, the one to aim the gun at Dino's head and make him let you
go. So if he fucked up, we were all screwed. He'd been so confident
until then. Ready to take on the world for you. But on that rooftop,
he wavered. His eyes looked wide and scared. His hands trembled. He
was losing his nerve. "You'll be fine." That's what I said
to him. I didn't even think about it – I tucked my gun into my
jeans and walked over to him. I put my hand on his shoulder and
looked him in the eyes. "You don't have to shoot the guy to do
this," I told him. "All you gotta do is make him believe that
you're gonna." He wasn't so sure. He said that Dino wasn't
any kind of fool, and that he'd recognize him and know that he wasn't
up to killing people. He said he'd had dealings with him before, and
that there was no way Golzine would take him seriously if he didn't
prove he was man enough to pull the trigger. By now his whole body
was shaking. I was scared he was gonna cry. I put my arms
around him. What else could I do? I mean, he looked so young, younger
than Sing even, when Sing gets that fierce look on his face. He
didn't hug me back, though, so don't get all pissed at Eiji about
this. It was just me. My heart was pounding so hard and all I wanted
to do was to make it okay for him, to make sure he wasn't going to
break down. "You don't hafta do this," I told him. "Anyone
else can be the one to take on Dino." Hell, I offered to do it
myself. It seemed right, you know. Me as your second, I should be the
one risking myself, right? But he shook his head. He said it
had to be him, that he had to prove that he was useful to you, that
he would do anything to save you. I was floored, Boss. I knew you'd
never make him do nothing like that to prove himself, that you'd
probably be mad as hell that we let him do anything so stupid and
dangerous at all. It made my heart hurt, though, hearing
that. Even though I already knew it. Even though any of us with eyes
knew it. I didn't know what to do. I just held onto him
tighter. Eventually he leaned, just a little, against me. His
head drooped against my shoulder. I shouldn't've done nothing
else. Really, Boss. Even at the time, I knew how stupid I was being.
I mean, I could end up with a bullet in my head over this. But I
couldn't help myself. At first it wasn't nothing to get
excited about. I was just kissing his hair a little, trying to calm
him down the same way I would a little kid or a girl. It wasn't
really like kissing a kid, but I kept telling myself that it was, so
I could think it was okay. Now I know it wasn't okay at all, and I'm
feeling lousy about it. But that night I think I woulda felt worse if
I didn't do it, you know? And then he looked up at me,
confused-like. Now I think he must've felt me kissing on his hair and
wondered what I was doing, but right then he looked broken and
desperate and lonely. I couldn't breathe, looking at his eyes. I
wasn't thinking about you, Boss. I wasn't thinking about how he
really belonged to you, how I was supposed be looking out for your
interests. I wasn't thinking about how he was feeling about you.
Mostly I was just thinking that he looked amazing and that he was
somehow pulling me out of myself. So I kissed him. Right on
the mouth like he was a girl. I put my hands on his face and closed
my eyes and for a second it was perfect. He even opened his mouth a
tiny bit, and I thought he was kissing me back even though he wasn't.
He wouldn't. Eiji was just surprised, I figure. He put his
hand on my shoulder – the hand without the gun. He pushed me away,
real softly, and I didn't understand why he'd be so delicate with me
unless he was feeling the same thing. But when I opened my eyes his
face was sad. He shook his head. "I'm sorry, Alex," he
said to me. I remember how he said it, exactly that way. "I'm
sorry, Alex, but I cannot be like this with you." Shit, Boss, it
was like he was breaking me in two. He looked at the ground, at the
gun he was holding, even at the bottles we still hadn't shot up. I
think he was looking everywhere but at me. "I can see only
Ash." We went home then. I was so embarrassed. So mixed up.
I knew I messed up bad. Eiji wasn't gonna tell you about it – I
know that much about him – but that made it even more important for
me to admit it myself. Our gang ain't about backstabbing and
betraying each other. You can't run with a gang without trust, and we
been tight for a long time, you and me. I felt like I stole from you.
I was the lowest kind of rat. Eiji and me didn't talk at all
until we got into the elevator in your building. I didn't know what
to say, but I had to say something, you know? I couldn't just let him
feel the way he must've been feeling about me, thinking I was the
kind of guy who'd move in on his friend's – his boss's –
territory. So I finally said it, told him I was sorry. But
Eiji wouldn't hear none of it. You know how he is. He told me that it
was okay, that we were okay still. He said he felt better about
facin' Dino now. Stronger. I couldn't see how that had anything to do
with me, but I liked hearing it. So that's what happened. The
next day we crashed Dino's party, and Eiji did better than fine, I
think. When we were restin' in the sewers, I almost got up the nerve
to tell you then, but Eiji never left your side, not even for a
second. Even after that, after Sing and my group met back up with
you, he was always nearby, always close and so I couldn't say
nothing. I guess the shit's gonna hit the fan now. I'm ready
for it. But before you decide what to do with me, I just wanna say
that you've been a real good boss, Ash. You been what Arthur could
never be, what he could never touch, even before you got here and it
looked like he'd be the next boss. I respect you. That's what makes
this so bad. I consider you my friend, my brother. I won't say
go easy on me. I still got feelings about Eiji that you wouldn't
like. That's probably not gonna change, unless you change it for me.
Do what you have to. Best Regards, Alex
Ash stared at the pages in his hand, not sure if he was feeling bewilderment or rage. On the one hand, Alex knew better than to mess with Eiji. Everyone knew that, even the guys who ran with Sing and Cain. He deserved a beating for even thinking he could lay his hands – or mouth! - on Eiji. And for actually doing it – well, Ash wasn't sure what kind of punishment was due.
But. . .
His gaze flicked up the last page, to the part where Alex quoted Eiji. "I can see only Ash." Those five words made him feel giddy. In all this time, he never let himself think about the possibility of Eiji thinking of him that way. Ash knew he'd probably never hear that kind of confession from his friend, but Alex had given him the next best thing.
Ash was smiling as he climbed back onto the bed. He pulled his knees up to his chest and started re-reading the letter. Eiji was adorable; it was hardly surprising that a smart guy like Alex would notice. Maybe it was best to cut the poor guy some slack, after all.
Well, first he'd put the fear of god into him, then he'd cut him some slack. Ash glanced over at Eiji, admiring the way his hair fell over his eyes when he slept, the way his lips parted just the tiniest bit when he breathed. Alex kissed those lips.
Definitely, fear of god first.
::end::