Truth.
Disclaimer: the usual. I do not own D. Gray Man. If I did Tyki Mikk would be the protagonist and he'd be mine.
With every breath, every smile, every movement Lavi wonders if it's all real.
The dark alleyway, breathy kisses; the feel of the Noah's skin against his—were they all lies? He wasn't sure anymore—of anything. Not exactly, his whole life is a lie technically.
Gramps says he may have compromised himself with this exchange. But duty was more important. They keep having this conversation over and over again. Like a broken record.
You might have fallen for him.
Impossibly possible.
You don't want to think about it.
Fuck yes.
Do you want to stop living this lie?
This life I'm living is a lie. The lie is my truth I don't have anything else to live for.
Quite the paradox isn't it?
Obviously.
Lavi opens his eyes and he's not in the room the Order prepared for him. His clothes are missing.
Damn.
A closer inspection of the dingy room he's in and they're all over the room. He didn't need to think of how they came off anymore.
He picks up his scattered clothing and starts dressing himself. It was routine already. He'd have to come up with another excuse again. He sees a pile of brandy set neatly by the overturned table. How convenient.
He takes a hefty swig of alcohol. He needs to be drunk enough. Four bottles after and he's just a little tipsy. He's put up a resistance already and he's just eighteen. He thinks a bit and decides to say that Kanda's death took its toll on him. Not that it's exactly a lie but it wasn't the whole truth anyway. None of this really was true anyway.
They wouldn't suspect anything.
He'd been disappearing like this for a few months now. Not as frequent before but it'll be justified. Komui would buy it. Lavi wasn't sure about gramps though.
He didn't want to think about it anymore.
He gets up and goes down to the innkeeper to pay but she shakes her dainty little head. 'Your friend's already paid for it. I dare say you should stop drinking already. He can't rescue you from your habits all the time you know.' As if she knew the truth. No one ever does.
Like he needed to be told about his drinking habits.
'How convenient Tyki, really.'
He merely shrugs and makes sure to make himself swagger a bit so she doesn't notice he's not that drunk yet. It didn't take long for him to get contact with the Finder. They leave.
The report to Komui didn't take too long. He made sure to keep his eyes hollow and his expression indisposed. Not that it was difficult to fake anymore. He felt empty already. Lavi turns to leave but he hears the boss call his name softly. He turns around.
Komui hugs him.
Now that he didn't expect. They don't say anything. Lavi doesn't want 't need to. He's got no excuses for his behaviour anyway. It ends a few moments later and he leaves the door. It locks automatically now.
'You should stop beating yourself off for Kanda's death and Allen's disappearance, Lavi,' Lenalee would scold him as she played with his hair. His head's on her lap.
You're wrong Lenalee. It is my fault. If I'd been there, I could have at least helped save Kanda, I could have helped Allen with his problem. But I wasn't. Nothing is going to change that fact. It's done. Now all that's left are the consequences.
'It is'
'It's not'
'How do you know that?'
'Stop acting this way. You weren't like this before it's like I don't know you anymore'
'You never did'
'Lavi!'
'I'm going to sleep'
He doesn't want to argue with her anymore. It's too tiring. So he drifts off to sleep.
Gramps had gone off on a mission.
Thankfully he didn't need to explain his apparent alcoholism.
But they'd talk afterward. It was on the note he left on his bedside table. He could vaguely remember the old man's disapproving look before he left for his last mission. He knew. He could never hide anything from him. Not that he could stop him.
He's not feeling anything anymore. He's doing his job right. He's getting the Noah's side of information. Not that they'd tell the Order anyway. They were too trusting of them. They were bookmen. The truth was the only thing that mattered, nothing else.
It was a few more days of quiet until the routine restarts itself all over again. Thankfully he's checked himself in a pub.
'Hello couelho' coos a soft baritone.
'Hello Noah'
'Aren't you going to turn around?'
'No'
The Pleasure merely chuckles and plays with his hair. Everybody seems to be doing that nowadays. Not that he cared. He couldn't. Not anymore. He scribbles on the logbook. The candlelight flickers.
'I've got some information for you' he says, his hands snaking around his body. Seducing me already.
'Tell me'
A light tutting sound was his only reply. Ghostly kisses trailed his skin. He was sure his clothes were still on. They felt hot. Damn. He's using his powers. He didn't expect this tactic.
'Payment first, couelho. You know what I want.'
'Is this really that important to you? I thought the mere fact I haven't brought my hammer down on you was payment enough' Lavi snaps irritably.
He was feeling again. This wasn't good.
A manic grin appeared from the Noah's face as he looked at the Bookman Junior hungrily. He felt blood drawing from the inside of his shirt. Kinky Bastard.
'Why Lavi I thought you liked the foreplay?' he teases. The kisses resume. He's calmed down a bit.
'How 'bout we skip the foreplay and get to the main act? I've got no patience for this teasing.'
'As you wish'
Lavi's body slips past the chair and is thrown against his small bed. Tyki's clothes were too extravagant for his life of apparent destitution. He removes his coat tail slowly and lets it fall on the ground.
'Your teasing isn't working on me' Lavi says blandly.
'That was nothing'
A pair of hungry lips touches his and he loses it. Fuck. He's losing himself in the feeling again. He didn't need this. He didn't want this.
This was the reason why Kanda got himself killed. Why Allen disappeared. Why Lenalee's always crying. Why everyone he loves is dead.
They break for air. He's sweaty and trembling from lack of oxygen. 'Look at me Lavi'
He doesn't. He shouldn't.
'Lavi'
He kisses him hard and he kisses back. But his eyes are closed. Lavi starts to unbutton the Noah's shirt and slide the fabric off his shoulders. A warm feeling floods him as he pushes himself against the older man's chest. He feels himself stiffen. They kiss each other more hungrily.
'Do it' Lavi says quietly as Tyki kisses him between his collarbones.
'No'
Lavi opens his eyes in surprise. He looks at the noah in bewilderment. The colored skin against dark curly hair flowing freely on the older man's shoulders. He clutches Tyki's shoulders. 'I thought you wanted this'
'I do, but you're not making this any fun' Tyki replies, kissing his the tip of his neck teasingly before he knees him in the groin. Lavi bites his lip as he tries to supress a moan. His back arches. This week has been chock full of surprises.
'I'm complying aren't I?' he says breathily between a gasp.
Lavi'slabored breathing, his heaving chest, his expressionless facedid nothing but fuel Tyki's desire. He was going to make this boy want him. He leaves more kiss marks around his torso. 'That's too much. They'll notice.' Lavi says giving Tyki a slight shove.
'Let them see'
'I can't Tyki. I'm still with the order'
'So? I'm still a Noah. I think were both going to have the same problem either way' The Noah replies between kisses.
He couldn't let him do this. He still had appearances to mind. 'You don't I'm pretty sure The Earl thinks you're doing this to make me waver in my duties to the order.'
Tyki unzips Lavi's slacks and the bookman rolls his hips slightly to help get them off. He gives the boy a slight peck on his already protruding manhood eliciting a breathy 's more like it. 'What else can you infer Bookman? Would you care to enlighten me?'
'Junior. And I damn well know that you know you're plan is working. You don't need to screw me every time just to give me information I want. You're playing this to all of our advantages. You get what you want, hot steamy forbidden sex; I get what I want, information on your side of the war and the Earl—well he gets what he wants, a distraction for me. It's win-win situation for all of us'
'I see. But have you thought that maybe I'm doing this because of something else?'
'Like what? Like you actually care for me? Bullshit!' Lavi says heatedly. He was getting riled up. He couldn't get his emotions in check again. Why did Tyki have to do this every damn time they had sex. He didn't want to feel anything for him. He shouldn't. Hemusn't. He can't.
Why Lavi? Afraid he'll leave you too?
A finger slips in and Lavi'sbreath hitches. 'What if I do?' The Noah says cryptically as he plants a kiss against the boy's lips.
'Stop screwing with me Mikk!' Lavi shouts.
'You want me to stop?' Tyki says as he puts another finger in and scissors him.
'Yes! No! I mean, Damn it! Stop confusing me!' No Lavi. You shouldn't have said that. You don't want to have them. You musn't.
'Do you love me Lavi?' Tyki says quietly as he slips a third in. Lavi sees his apparent lover's golden eyes look at him intensely. The truth was he didn't know. No. It's not that he didn't know, he didn't want to admit he knew what they were. He shouldn't even have them in the first place.
'I don't know'
Tyki removed his fingers and Lavi let out a disgruntled moan. He props himself on the bed. He's naked, we're both naked, under the sheets, horny and I'm feeling again.
'Do you love me Lavi?'
Yes.
Don't say it.
'You'll die soon anyway, I'd rather not think about it.' That's better. You're going to leave me in the end I'd rather I didn't love you at all.
"I'm not dead yet, couelho what are you so afraid of?'
Lavi stays silent as Tyki buries his handsome face in the crook if his neck. 'I love you'
I don't believe you.
They resume making love again. Tyki's kisses are intense as if he's trying to prove something to him. Their hands all over each other like it's their last night together. Their breathy moans of each other's name as if a sick mantra of a joke. They climax soon, hot white liquid pouring out as Tyki removes himself with a shwick.
They lie beside each other Lavi curling towards the older man for comfort. 'I didn't liecouelho.' Tyki says as he kisses his lover's forehead. Lavi merely nods. 'You don't need to prove yourself'
I know you didn't. I just don't want to believe it.
'That doesn't mean I don't have to tell you the truth'
The truth is sick. It's the thing that hurts the most. Sometimes lying makes it easier. The truth shackles you. And the truth to this matter is that everybody leaves.
It's best not to think about it.
A/N:This thing has been in my hard drive for 2 years hidden under paperwork and whatnot until it resurfaced again as a stroke of luck. Something did not want to be forgotten.