WE'RE EXPECTING A BABY
by Sammy
The last few days I knew something was wrong with me. I felt sick every morning, my feelings were totally mixed up. There was only one time I felt like this before - when I thought I might be pregnant with Eric's child. At that time I wasn't pregnant. Now I am. I told Chris about the baby yesterday. I could see he was shocked - no, shocked isn't the right word. He was surprised in a little negative way. We never talked about children before - at least not about OUR children. I don't know whether I want this baby or not. It will change a lot of things, but things already began to change the minute Chris and I crossed the line. A baby can bring so much joy in your life, but it's also a huge responsibility. Yes, I want to take this responisbility. I want to have this child. It's a creation of my love to Chris. I only hope he won't disagree...
Here I am, lying in bed in the middle of the night, watching Rita sleeping next to me and thinking about what she told me yesterday. I will be a daddy. A daddy! Never in my whole life I expected to be a daddy. I don't know what it's like to be a good father, and I think Rita doesn't know what it's like to be a good mother as well. Oh my god, I really don't know what I should feel! My feelings are all mixed up. Me a daddy! This sounds so weird. I am feeling weird. I've never been someone who liked to take responsibility of someone, but this time... Yes, I want to take the responsibility. I want to have this child. It's a creation of my love to Rita. I only hope she won't disagree...
It was right in the middle of the night. Chris looked at Rita. He didn't know she was awake as he was facing her back. Chris turned to her and wrapped her arms around her as Rita turned around and looked into his eyes.
"You aren't sleeping as well, hmm?" Chris whispered as he brushed a strand of her hair out of her face.
"Yeah. I was thinking about an answer to... you know."
"Yeah, I know."
"It's so weird."
"It's a baby, Rita. Our baby."
"I think I know that a lot better than you. I am the one with the morning sickness, not you, my friend."
"So you have an answer?"
"No, not yet. I mean, this is something we should discuss - a lot. A baby will change a lot of things."
"Things already have changed."
"Our relationship will get more complicated than it is now, and it already is very complicated. We haven't told Cap so far..."
"We can tell him tomorrow. I mean, I already said we have something to tell. We first can tell him about our relationship, then about the baby. We certainly will be very happy."
"I don't know, Chris. It's more complicated than you might think. I... I just can't go on pretending having a baby is easy."
"You don't wanna have the baby?"
"I don't know, Chris. I don't know anything right now. One minute I think it would be really great to have this baby, but the next minute I think about my job, about how things will change and everything. I don't know whether I am ready to give up work."
"If you don't want to, you don't have to."
"How do you think I should do that? Christopher, we're talking about a baby. It will need all of our attention night and day."
"Ah, this is what we're talking about. You don't want to take the responsibility."
"NO! I mean I would take the responsibility but..."
"If this is a question about money, you know we can afford it. That won't be a problem either."
"I know we can afford it. It's just me. I think I first have to find out what I want. I had to think about what happened to me when I was a child. My mother died when I was born, my dad committed suicide when I was 7. I was raised in a foster home... and your parents got divroced when you were 10. We never had an easy childhood. I swore myself, if I ever have a baby, it will have a happy childhood. My child shouldn't miss anything."
"Okay, then it's your decision what we're doing."
"Oh, thank you very much. Now I am the one who has to decide what to do."
"I mean, you are the one who is expecting not me, and you said you first want to find out what you really want."
"But this is our child we are talking about. We should decide together what we are going to do. I don't want you to disagree."
"Then please tell me what you'd like to do. I can't tell you whether I disagree when I don't know what you wanna do."
"I don't know, Chris. I really don't know."
"Then I'll tell you what I'd like to do. I want to have this child, Rita. It's part of you, and it's part of me. Now you know what I want. It's up to you to decide what you want to do."
"You really want to have this baby?"
"Yeah... yeah, I think so. I am a little scared about the fact whether I will be a good dad or not, but I can learn. It's amazing to know that there's a part of me somewhere in that little baby growing in you. Somewhere there's also a part of you in that baby. A baby can bring so much joy in our life - this kind of joy we never had. We are homicide cops. We have to arrest people who are taking lives away. This time we can be the ones to give life... but if you don't want to have a baby now, I'll try to understand. I know we both never had an easy childhood, but we can make it a lot better. I know we can."
"You have to understand me. This all is new for me, and just going too fast. I want to do the right thing. I don't want to mess things up. I love you way too much, Christopher, to do anything that won't be good for our relationship. I also wanna know what will be best for our baby, if we can be the parents we want to be."
"I love you, too, Sam." Chris said and kissed Rita. "And an answer?"
"Please give me some time."
- As we all know they both decided to have the baby -