pairing: Levi/Mikasa
rating: T for some words.
summary: The tightness within their throats just became a chain that they themselves couldn't fathom.
misc: Angst. I'm so sorry I just heard a song lyrics while walking down the road and it's rushed for 20 minutes, so. I can't post this on my Tumblr account (staadust) because it cannot feature it on the RivaMika tag for some reasons and I don't have the idea why.
Silence filled the air as though it combined with the oxygen they were breathing in and out, Hanji would gladly comment if she was at present; however, she wasn't.
And this was a thing that Mikasa didn't want to do.
Confessing her love was one of the things she couldn't do in her life. Truth to be told that she was one of the prodigies of the history, but that didn't mean that she was some kind of psychopath and she didn't have any kind of feelings at all with her robotic shape. She lived to protect, and she lived to survive in this cruel world.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a small grunt which sounded from the person in front of her, the man who was always compared to a thousand men just as she. Impatience was written all over his face as his hands scribbled with dexterity against the papers on his desk like grass. Her eyes couldn't leave his hair, which were always in place with pure gloss, as his black tresses danced with the wind coming through his window.
"What do you need?" he spoke nonchalantly as his gaze never left his papers, then carefully flipping them to see the contents of the other.
He was not irritated, really. In fact, he was kind of jolly for the girl of 19 won't visit his office unless he would call her for some important mission, or some punishment if ever she did something wrong.
But the atmosphere didn't match the feelings within him. It was heavy that he couldn't describe, and she was silent. Silence wasn't his thing, because silence makes him think about past events. Death, sorrow, hurt.
"I came here, Sir, because I need to tell you something important."
Idiot, she mentally slapped herself. Was a confession that important, or should she leave things like they should be? She did fancy how their relationship goes up until now, but being a teenager, a female, a human herself, she craved for love as well. She craved for care, for adoration, for warmth, as any girl would. But could she?
For her job right now, will she be able to get what she wanted?
Will she also have a new family, a family of her own just as she hoped when she was at the age of nine, after her parents were murdered?
Will she have her own children, just like the normal women would?
Or will she die alone? Alone as the last Oriental, without anyone loving her?
"It's better to be important, brat," she was at the age of maturity; does he still see her as the girl of fifteen, calling her a brat? "I'm a busy man and you know that; don't you dare to waste my time."
He flipped to another page again, his name marking into perfect curves as he signed. He didn't care if she would shout at him right know because they were making Eren work too hard these days and he was not able to sleep as much as they could. Her adoptive would tell her that it was okay that he does all these things because he was helping humanity towards freedom, but her face says otherwise. She wasn't pleased of all the things that were happening, he knows it.
Breathing never became difficult for her, but now it did. Her throat became tighter than it usually was, and her hands became cold from sweat. Fishy, because the weather was humid these days.
Her face was losing its behavioral stoic and she didn't plan for that. She had dreamed this to be perfect: her face straight as she confessed her feelings for him, and he would be surprised for a moment, but she didn't imagine what kind of response will he give her.
Because it did hurt. A lot.
She gave up years ago, but what was she doing? It was obvious that he was not interested in her, but if she sees him being happy (though not literally, but she sees it in his eyes), it was okay. Everything was fine. It kept them alive.
However, she knew that they didn't live long, so she had to do this.
She became a tad unresponsive, and it confused him. If this was the real Mikasa, she could've told him already what she wanted to say. He notices how her hands clench to her sides as they played with the straps on her thighs.
"Oi," he spoke suddenly, facing her. His eyes gleamed through hers, as though reading her like a book, but question marks were inside.
"I love you."
She was panting a bit as she declared the three words which he never imagined that would come out of her mouth.
"..What-?"
"I-I fell in love - with you."
He keeps his face straight, emotions thrown aside because those would break his countenance. He was humanity's strongest and it meant that humanity was a first before himself.
"Freedom of mankind was more important than falling in love with a subordinate, Levi."
"Love? It's disgusting," he blurted out, putting his calm demeanor as though it was usual for him to receive a confession (which was a truth), but from the woman he loved since the beginning? From the time he met her? It was a different issue to talk about. He was used to reject-no, turn down anyone's confession of love and adoration for him.
His heart squeezed with agony as he saw her face.
The face he knew that was full of pride and determination draining out, the faintest tear trying to come out of those eyes-those star dusted eyes filled with hope gone.
It felt like she was empty again.
Again, because when she confessed to Eren two years ago, she received nothing but, "I-I'm so sorry, Mikasa.. I didn't know.." with his head down, apologetic countenance donning his features.
Was Eren that dumb to notice?
"I love.. Someone else."
Annie, it wasn't surprising.
Oh.
Maybe fate was not in good terms with her.
First Eren, now him, of all people?
Her thin brows met in a frown as she felt her tears prickling the sides of her eyes, but never would she let them fall for him. She needed to be strong, like always, to protect the ones she loved. The ones who made her right now.
Rejected, huh...
Frustrated with her feelings, she countered back,
"Disgust-"
"Yes, Ackerman; disgusting."
The words that escape from his mouth were bitter. Bitter than those coffee he drinks when he wasn't in the mood to drink black tea. He could taste it, and he didn't like it. Not when the woman in front of his just confessed her love to him.
"So that's why your statistics were not as fucking keen and marvelous as before? Distracting yourself with your emotions again? You're not a little girl who I look after every single day," he stated, dropping his pen onto his desk as he falls back to his seat, crossing his arms. "How many times have I told you? Learn to restrain your emotions or any mission would be a shitty disaster."
His words became full of swearing, she noticed. He did, too, but he was just an idiot to stop doing so.
"It's our duty being a soldier of the Survey Corps. Leave and remember that note to your brain. Go back to work, Ackerman, or I'll make your punishment worse than your adopted brother's."
'All men are such jerks.'
That was the sentence that she memorized at that time instead of what he said. She wasn't dumb. Levi was right. She shouldn't fall in love. She had to live as though death was in the living.
She couldn't find the words to say. It was more difficult than killing titans and slicing their napes with your own blades. It was as if those blades were the ones which shredded her heart. She told herself that she really should learn.
"-Right." she spoke, ever so softly, bangs falling to cover her eyesight of him-being gorgeous and comfortable with his seat as though he spoke, "The sky is blue." Her head was full of questions of a repeated, "Why," and "Why did I fall for you?"
"I'm sorry-Sir," why was she apologizing? It wasn't a fault that she would love him. It wasn't her fault that their world was too cruel to live in. She should stop, he thinks, and his hands were gripping the sides of his seat to restrain him from standing up and hold her that what he was telling her was all a lie, that he wanted to be with her forever-that she wasn't alone and he would willingly offer himself to give her the family that she had always wanted.
Her hands tried to grab the scarf that was around her neck, covering half of her face because of humiliation. "It won't happen again."
Her heel pivots towards the direction of the exit to his office because she can't bear herself to stand in front of him anymore or she'll crack into a hundred pieces because she wasn't strong as he does.
Armin was right; because he had warned her that girls have soft spots for things about love that they forget everything around them.
She walks and his eyes narrowed with hurt, and he was a bit thankful that her back was in front of him instead of his face, but she was walking away-from him, from the start of something new to them.
Her hands gripped the door, and before she leaves she looks at him by the shoulder one last time before she leaves.
Levi looks for the strength to get back to his paperwork and sign his name. He hears the door's soft click and he sighs heavily, as he whispers, "I'm more sorry than you do."