Lost
She wasn't quite sure what brought her here. She'd spent the day looking for him, at his apartment, the BAU, even at the chess tables in the park.
She's about to give up. Doesn't know what else she can do. And then something sparks. The Butterfly Lounge. It was a small place, not too far from his apartment, that they'd gone to once upon a time. Not long after she'd told him how she'd collected butterflies as a child. He'd found it one day, during one of his long walks, and thought of her.
It hadn't been what she'd expected. Nestled between a used bookstore and an art gallery, it looked like any other residential townhouse - except for the handcrafted wooden sign that sat above the door. Spence had ushered her in with a smile, proud of his discovery.
Walking in, she took in her surroundings. Dark cherry wood gave the open floor plan an intimate, cozy feel. Along the entirety of the left wall and part of the back wall sat a row of booths, each outfitted with a round table and horseshoe seating. On the opposite side of the room sat a thirty-foot long L-shaped bar, with gorgeous high-back barstools and a dark leather footrest running the length of the bar. And in between the two sat a dozen or so high-top tables, with the same high back stools that sat along the bar.
But what caught her breath, and helped earn the pub it's name, were the butterflies. There along the wall, above the booths, across the back wall, and over the bar, were almost one hundred framed butterflies. Encased in dark cherry wood frames were some of the rarest species of butterflies JJ had ever seen, as well as some that were found in and around the DC area. It was gorgeous.
Having given her a minute to take in her surroundings, Spence finally spoke up as he led them towards the back corner (she'd later learned it was his regular booth as it sat beneath a butterfly he'd found to be commonly seen in Las Vegas).
"By day they serve gourmet coffee and sandwiches, and at night they offer drinks and jazz music. I've come by a few times, since I found the place. The manager, Robbie, is a good guy. Even played chess with him once, after running into him down by the chess tables in the park." He grinned as finished, making JJ think he hadn't given his newfound friend any leniency during their game.
"The owner, Robbie's uncle, actually opened this place a few years ago. He'd spent almost a year planning and it wasn't until after he'd secured the last of his business permits and this townhouse that he decided on a name. His daughter Sarah had loved butterflies as a little girl. Much like you, she'd spent many years collecting them. Some of these are even from her own personal collection. Others, Robbie said, were bought later with the pub's profits.
"From what I understand, Robbie's uncle actually owns the entire townhouse - the first floor is obviously where we are now - the lounge. The second floor is similar to this one - except for the tables. They use it as a "party space", renting it out to customers for private parties or events, even fundraisers. The third floor actually houses the family's butterfly collection. They own almost 550 framed species of butterflies, some of which are displayed here and on the second floor, while the rest are on display upstairs.
Later, after they'd placed their orders and Robbie had stopped by to introduce himself (and send a wink Spence's way after JJ's introduction), and offered to give them a tour of the second floor once they'd finished. (They'd spent almost an hour looking around - it had been gorgeous.) JJ found herself looking forward to returning to the Butterfly Lounge.
She smiled, content. It seemed today was for discovering new things. This place, these people, and Spence. Just when she thought she'd figured out the man before her, he found a way to surprise her. "This is amazing Spence. Thanks for bringing me here. We'll have to do this again sometime."
She never expected to find him here. It had been almost three years since they'd been here - the last being a birthday celebration with the team - and even longer since just the two of them had found themselves here. But something told her to try.
She found him sitting in his (their) booth, nursing what looked to be his third drink of the night. A basket of fries sat uneaten on the table in front of him.
With a smile and a wave towards Robbie, who was manning the bar, she made her way towards him.
Please God, let me get through to him. Let me help him get through this in one piece.
"Hey Spence." She greets him with a smile, and a small wave of her hand.
He startles, a look of surprise on his face. Guess he wasn't expecting anyone to find him here. Doesn't he remember how well I know my Spence?
The thought brought a pang of regret. Reminded her of how much they'd drifted apart these past couple years. She's broken from her thoughts when he finally answers.
"Hey JJ. Funny meeting you here." Something's wrong. It shouldn't surprise her, but somehow it does. When he nods for her to have a seat next to him, she does. They sit there for a minute, in silence. Robbie walks over, two drinks in hand. A refill and a glass of water for Spence and a rum and coke for her (she smiles - surprised that he remembers her order after a three year absence). With a grin and a nod hello for JJ, he retreats back to the bar, seeming to sense their need for privacy.
They sit there, sipping at their drinks, for what feels like an eternity.
She doesn't know what to say - how to fix whatever's wrong. Thankfully, she doesn't have to figure it out.
"It's inevitable JJ. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I always lose the ones I love. I pride myself on being logical. Pragmatic. But I still get too invested in people. Knowing what I know...maybe it'd be better if I just..." he stops himself, before he can finish, and shakes his head. She puts her hand on his, tries to comfort him the best way she knows. By being there.
When he pulls away, it hurts.
When did he stop confiding in me? Why did he stop confiding in me? When did he stop trusting me to be there for him, to help him? That niggling part of her brain whispered...Emily.
She's about to say something when he starts talking again.
"Maybe I shouldn't...maybe it'd be better if I left. That way I can't get hurt, right? That way I won't feel they way I felt when my dad left. They way it hurts every time my mom doesn't know who I am. The way it felt when Gideon left. Or when Emily "died"." He glances at her then, as if he's almost afraid to bring that up again - the ghost of a situation neither of them have ever really talked about, at least not since just after Emily's miraculous return from the dead.
"It's funny...I was the first one Emily told, about the Interpol offer I mean. And it still felt like I was being abandoned all over again. I was already...upset, I guess, about some things. And then she was gone. Again. At first, I couldn't understand why this time hurt more, than before. Later, it came to me. She knew - she knew how people had left me before. But she did it anyway."
Something about the way he says I was already upset sets off alarm bells in JJ's mind...a part of her wants to know. Another part of her, the part that is already putting the pieces of the puzzle together (she told him she was leaving at my wedding).
She has to know though. No matter how much it hurts. "Spence...why were you upset? You said, just now, that you were already upset then…"
He shakes his head. Somehow, she knows. He doesn't want to talk about this. Doesn't want this to be between them, now, when it can stay firmly in the past.
She just watches him, and finally he relents. "You. I was upset because of you." She winces at that. Considers letting it go, but she can't. He continues before she gets a choice in the matter. "It wasn't really your fault. We were still...figuring things out. How to go back to where we were before everything that happened. I know I'm partly to blame. I pulled away. From everyone. But even all that time later, I still felt like I'd lost my best friend. The relationship we had - two years ago? It was gone. And then you were getting married! In my mind, that was just another blow. Don't get me wrong, I was happy for you - because you were happy. But I knew that things would change. They had to. Your first responsibility was to your family. Will and Henry. Not to me. It just felt like everything was slipping away."
He seems to sense she's about to say something, but he cuts her off. She hates that she's a tiny bit happy about that.
"And now, now Maeve's gone. She's gone. Forever. And I know - it wasn't her choice. Maybe that's something that Emily's death taught me. There's a difference. When someone is taken from you. It's not their choice. They didn't want to leave. But I still...it still hurts. I think, a part of me, was in love with her. Even though we'd never met - I think I fell in love with her mind, and her intelligence. And maybe, someday, I could've loved every part of her. But now, I'll never get the chance. So wouldn't it better to never give someone that power over me? Why chance feeling this way, when it only ever ends in pain?"
She's scared, the way he said that...it makes her shiver. Enough. I'm not letting him do this. He can't give up. Spence. "Spence, listen to me. I get it… I do. For a long time after Rosaline - I wouldn't, I couldn't, put myself out there. I became disconnected, from everyone. I'd go days at time without seeing my parents, or my brother. I felt like, if I could just put some distance between me and the world, I might just be ok. Because if they did leave me, like she did, it wouldn't hurt so much. But do you know what I learned? Distance may protect you from getting hurt...but it stops you from ever being happy too. As hard as that is to accept - it's something you have to know. Any opportunity, even though it brings the chance of pain, brings the possibility of happiness, and love as well. You can't have one without the other."
The two of them sit there for a moment, and she's not quite sure she got her point across, but she doesn't know what else to do. What can she do?
Time is the best medicine. Isn't that what they say?
Finally, after what feels like an eternity, Spence looks at her. What she sees there scares her - his eyes are empty, as if the Spence she knew was gone. The light in his eyes, the way they sparkled with life, and knowledge, it had always mesmerized her. And now - in this moment - it was gone. And her heart broke.
"I feel like I'm lost JJ. Adrift, without anything to hold on to. And it scares me, feeling this way. It scares me because, what if, eventually, I can't feel this way anymore? What if I listen to those whispers, and turn to dilaudid again? Either way, any way you look at it, I'll lose everything. Everything."
JJ prided herself on being able to remain calm, in control. But here, with Spence, she let go. She released his hand, instead taking him into her arms completely. With tears in her eyes, and tears in his, she held him. "I promise you Spencer Reid. No matter what happens, no matter how bad things may seem, you are never alone. I will always be here. You are my best friend. You're Henry's godfather. If you ever feel like everything around you is slipping through your fingers, tell me. And I promise you, Henry and I will be there to pull you back, and hold you down. We're not gonna let you go. Not ever."
Eventually, JJ released him, albeit hesitantly. Without a word Spence finished off the glass of water, dropped a handful of bills on the table and then signaled JJ to get up.
Taking her by the hand, he led her outside, with a wave goodbye to Robbie. After the turbulent emotions brought to the surface this afternoon, she was happy to let him lead the way. As long as he was with her, she knew he'd be okay. She'd see to it.
They walked along, hand in hand, the few blocks to the park that sat across from his apartment, before he led her to a park bench near the pond.
Sitting there on the bench, neither of them spoke for almost twenty minutes. Instead they sat there, watching as the colors of the sunset fell upon the pond and disappeared. Finally, Spence broke the silence.
"I remember reading a quote once, and I always agreed that it was the only way to survive losing someone, or something. It said, 'Always look at what you have left. Never look at what you have lost.' But now, I think maybe I was wrong. Maybe we don't have to forget...maybe we just need to remember what we still have. And appreciate it all the more. Honor what the past has taught us. Honor what the people we've lost believed in. But don't let it hold you back from living, from your life."
When Spence finally looked over at her, JJ could only smile. There was a light in his eyes again, something she had dearly missed.
Taking his hand in hers and squeezing it, she said, "Spencer Reid, you are one in a million. And I promise that, from this moment on, I'll never let you forget how special you are. Or that I will always be here for you. No matter what. I'll do everything in my power to make sure you are never lost again."
"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."
~ Hermann Hesse ~
A/N: The quote that Reid mentions, "Always look at what you have left. Never look at what you have lost." is by Robert H. Schuller. Also, the Butterfly Lounge is fictional - a figment of my imagination - created in the depths of my mind at 4:30am. (If you enjoyed this, then thanks. If you didn't, please blame my insomnia! ...just joking!)
I hope you've enjoyed this one. I wish we would have seen something like this between JJ and Reid, exploring the aftermath of Maeve's death, and how that affected Reid's feelings of abandonment, but alas, we did not. Hopefully this fits. Let me know what you think!