He is SO Dead, a slayers fanfic

He is so Dead

A Slayers fic

By Keo Siph

He is so dead. I finally talked him, the petty mazoku, into coming to this whole stupid project thing and…

He is so dead.

Months on end with the blonde buffoon finally paid off, but he was still so dense… He couldn't even figure out he liked me. Scratch that. He was oblivious to the fact that he would DIE without my assistance to breathe. But, he did agree to continue traveling… if I was to supply the destination. I did so reluctantly… I mean, what would you expect? It was always going from "date" to "baby-sitting" in an instant, even after letting Zel and Amelia go their own way. I was, after all that we had been through, near sad to part company. But, Xelloss went with them to make sure they didn't get up to anything "peculiar for couples unmarried", as he so carefully worded it. When asked, he pulled his favorite line; not unusual for him at all.

I, however, was still having my own issues with Gourry at the time, and his sentiments were unneeded, at the least. The faint looks, the smiles, the cheerful conversations, and still! The great ogre was immune to any whims of mine!

Took me two full years before I got him to say the word "date". Finally, after running around together for nearly four years or so, on and off, with the last final two months before the incident "off". He suddenly popped up in the restaurant I had been eating at, and asked if I would come with him on this "date". It was close enough, or so I thought.

I worked forever to get him to realize "date" was no food, no drink, no time of the year! It worked though. Three months prior to today, he met my wide red eyes on one knee. I nearly hyperventilated.

Right before I threatened him with death if he told anyone about the latter, or if he backed out of the former.

So, I invited everyone, without limits. Even Naga and… Luna. She would kill me if I asked, kill me if I didn't. This way meant a faster death, anyways.

They were rather easy to track down in comparison with my… Mazoku friends. I decided to invite Xelloss purely to have some entertainment that wasn't paid for, although the trip to find him was… rather interesting. I believe I found EVERY OTHER mazoku out there before finding him. Which makes some sense, since he was always good at hiding.

My first lead led me to Fibrizo, the Hellmaster. Well… that was interesting, since he was supposed to be DEAD! Anyways, the kid-like Lord had been revived a few months back and had taken up residence with this little girl who had a strange fondness for him… her name was Hotaru, I think, and she lived with a couple consisting of a guy/girl and a girl, while some teacher ran the house. Rather interesting.

So, anyways, he wouldn't hand the info over unless I gave him an invitation, so he was the first.

When asked why, he said he wished to see the "fall of the flat-chested Inverse". He is now orbiting the moon, so if he makes it to the party, I'll be surprised.

I then ran across Zelas, who is supposed to be the Master of Xelloss, a miracle in herself, that one is. Yet again, no invite, no info. Whatever.

From there my path crossed a million other mazoku that SHOULD be dead, but they don't like rules, anyways.

I'll agree with Xelloss on one thing. Those Mazoku's rule-bending techniques make life a little more … beef jerky-like.

So there he was, sitting atop Sephiel's house, waving at me without a care in the world. My first reaction was to blow the house to smithereens, then to check on the poor priestess, who was miraculously (more from Xelloss than myself) unharmed in any way, and oblivious to Xelloss' being stationed on her roof.

She and Gourry would have been a perfect couple and all, but I'm against the breeding of density. Speed, agility, power, endurance: A-OKAY HERE! Density: NUH-UH!

I invited her before running the drag-laden mazoku priest… general… guy… thing from the nearest bar. Heh. Never really wanted to know… and I'm sure I won't.

So. He's here. And causing the most havoc one guy could at a double wedding. Surprised about the latter? Yeah, we were too. Especially since we didn't expect Amelia's taste to… How should I put it? Plummet or sky-rocket? I'm not really sure…

One day, she was totally without worry and aiding Zelgadis in his search for a cure, and the next…

She was hot on the trail of some guy-or-other. Which sounded like a predator stalking her prey, but she refused to comment. Her description was went as such: "Silver-white haired, tall, lean with muscle, tall, fast, tall, golden-eyed… with antlers and furry ears. You'll get over it quickly, I'm sure."

After almost hyperventilating for the second time in a month, I managed to follow her around for a week until she caught him, and I left them alone and didn't even get a response to the invitation.

That was, until two days before hand, when the weird couple popped up and asked for a double-wedding. Which delayed the wedding a total of two days, thanks to Zelas, Zelgadis, and Naga's wonderful organization skills.

So, at a grand age of 21, the princess was tying the knot with someone no one has ever heard of.

It wasn't until three days later I actually got his name, Goodfellow Something-Or-Other. A messenger of Avalon, whatever that's good for.

We're here. We survived dating them.

We won't survive this.

Hellmaster, Zelas, and Sephiel all came. Nice, purple dress and a cigarette for Zelas. Hellmaster wore what we last saw him in, with the impression that he actually touched gel to his hair, if nothing else. Even the revived Gaav popped up, same red jacket, except the look of getting a brush stuck in his hair and giving up didn't really suit him, but no one commented.

Then Sephiel entered, decked out in a bow tie and tuxedo, smiling with a slight blush, before dashing outside again to accompany in… the incarnation of cross dressing itself… Xelloss. I should have known he was up to something, sitting on her roof like that. Although, after meeting the deer known as Goodfellow, it wasn't hard to forget the details. (On a side note, I'm glad I kept the deer away from Luna, Zelgadis, and Naga until the last minute.)

White gown, rose-covered veil, and that red gem from his staff as a brooch, he swept up to us on the day before the DAY and smirked his usual, eye-closing, annoying face-contortion that should be outlawed for mazoku.

"I hope I don't throw you off too much, Lina."

"Er. Xelloss? Maybe speaking to her currently isn't exactly… wise?" Amelia tentively called forwards as I fumed behind a mask of silence. Xelloss ignored her and smiled at me without shame.

"What?" In such a state, my vocabulary was limited.

"You invited me!"

"…"

"And I wanted to make an impression…"

"Oh! I'm sorry Lina! I didn't think it would bother you! Xelloss said you would 'get a good laugh', but if it's a problem, we can go change, since we're almost the same size… Lina?" Ignoring Sephiel's blabber, I went straight to Zelgadis.

"Xelloss is not allowed inside the chapel. Understood, Security Chief?"

"What?! I'm Director of All Things Complex (which is whatever Naga and Zelas were too lazy to do without screwing up), not Security Chief!"

"And you think Security Chief isn't COMPLEX, you hopeless chimera?"

"… Well. I'd been hoping to blow Xelloss up once or twi-" His sentence abruptly stopped as he shot a glance at the mazoku. "Is he serious?"

"I'm afraid so."

"… Was his mouth moving?"

"…Yes."

"Then he wasn't serious. He never tells the truth, remember?"

"Ah, Lina!" And, low and behold, the blonde beauty has arrived. "Who's that new girl with Sephiel?" Both Zel and I hit the ground with tremendous force.

"That's Xelloss! Can't you even remember him?"

"Oh… Now I remember! Yeah, the monster! Did you invite him?"

"… That's what that whole three-week long journey was, so, yes. I invited him against my better judgment, which is currently doing a voodoo dance on my lesser judgment. Fully decked out in bride's dress and roses."

"Didn't you ask Sephiel to be a bride's maid?" We both paused for a very long time. I stormed over to the priestess's side.

"Aren't you going to change for the rehearsal, my friend the bridegroom Sephiel?" Sephiel jumped at my comment, then shot an apologetic look between myself and Xelloss and back again.

"Xelloss also wished to be a bridegroom. My dress comes in tomorrow."

"He what?"

"Wants to be a bridegroom, as he doesn't know Gourry as well as he did you and Amelia."

"Well…. Tell him to shove it-!" I was cut off without any attempted serenity by Amelia, who was also dragging me away from the future crime scene.

"Lina! Let him do it for the rehearsal, and then fix it tonight for the actual thing tomorrow! Please! I don't want anything blown up before then! Alright, Miss Lina?" I was probably shaking, but that was before the real trouble started.

I was ready to either keel over or kill someone. Probably not in that order.

And so it proceeded, without further delay, to the finale. Which, went rather well. No problems. Except when Xelloss, now in a tuxedo, spiked the punch right before Zelgadis got to it, effectively changing the chimera into a plushie. After the aroused fury of both Amelia and myself, he finally gave the guy the cure and was promptly burnt.

The whole thing went rather smoothly after that.

We vowed. We kissed. We had all survived.

Then Ironicity reared his ugly head.

He's so going to get me killed one of these days.

"Rehearsal, check! Pre-wedding ceremonies, check! Wedding, check! Now-"

"After-wedding-thing, uncheck, uncheck, UNCHECK! Who the heck sent Xelloss off to pick the food up?"

"He volunteered, Lina-san…" Sephiel called forward with her puppy-eyes in full. I groaned.

"Don't worry about it, Sephiel. We've got back-up. We just sent Zel off and…"

"I'm going to KILL Xelloss!" We all turned towards the voice, and burst into laughter. "You're dying first, Lina!" Of course, all of us except Sephiel were laughing too hard to hear, and she was busy dashing around to find him a new set of clothes, as his current set was hardly becoming. I'm not sure how Xelloss managed to get Zel into a bunny suit, but I hope he's got life insurance. Zelgadis was rampaging for quite a while afterwards, and totally ignored Sephiel's attempts to calm him down. Xelloss didn't pop up until much later, after Zelgadis had stormed his way out into the courtyard, Sephiel still following him.

"Like the present, Lina?" My head shot up to meet a pair of closed eyes, just like usual.

"So that was a present for me, a newly-wed?"

"Well, you and Amelia."

"And your present to Gourry and Goodfellow?"

"Ah! So that's his name. I hadn't been able to get it out of him, the steel trap. Anyways, they should open their presents soon."

"… Should I be worried?"

"Most likely."

Actually, even though the Mazoku disappeared before the presents were opened, they were rather harmless. A complete set of plushies, Amelia through Zelgadis, for each pair. Well, we weren't worried again until they reached the bottom of the box, where there was a dress Gourd's size, and a tux that was mine. Amelia received similar, although Goodfellow did not look enthused.

I forbade Gourry from wearing it until AFTER the honeymoon.

Awhile back, after Amelia had read The Hobbit, she was so enthused about it, she wanted to do a hobbit-style present giving, where everyone who gives a present receives one. We took a LARGE chunk out of our honeymoon-fund for it, but it all worked out.

We gave Zelas some nicotine patches, Hellmaster a shirt with "I'm Grumpy" on one side, the according dwarf on the other. Gaav received a guide to cutting your own hair, barber-style, and Naga got a pair of black baggy pants and baggy shirt, totally unrevealing. She actually wore it, too, miracle as it may seem. (Although, yes, I did threaten her with death to her plushie if she didn't.)

Sephiel received a light present of buttery shortcake and some light medallions, which Amelia picked out. I picked out a rather gothic shirt with red fire at the bottom, and a black, spiked choker, given to her anonymously. She seriously needed to get out there and live a little! And as for Luna… She received a coffee-mug with a girl standing in the picture, holding a bowl of fortune-cookie type things with a sign that read "Get a life. Choose one." She hasn't killed me yet, so I'm betting on her forgiveness.

Xelloss was the only person we had a hard time finding a present for. I got the four of us together to pick it out. Goodfellow donated a roll of duck tape, giving me the impression that, yes, he did have a sense of humor. Gourry was left on his own and showed up with a tennis racket, which amazed Amelia and I that he could remember so far back. Amelia had a hard time picking, as well, but ended up with a religious book called Boundaries (I'm going to see that one on his bedside table) and another called Humane Life 101. I heartily expect these to become fire-fodder soon, but was ignored by the persistent Amelia.

However, my presents to the mazoku were a little harder to find. Once I had the idea, I didn't know where to get them. But, I still managed. One spell-scroll that burns when you open it; two lollipops that fizz and bubble when you try to eat them; one of those penny-trick things that you can't touch, except for the fact it's now a gem, not a penny; and finally, a green-burning oil lamp. I ran out of ideas after that, but got myself some incense while I was in the store.

Everyone took their presents graciously and with some surprise. So then, the terror seemed over.

A simple trip on a cruise for a honeymoon, and we were finished. Nothing more, nothing less.

"We're HERE!" Amelia cried, jumping up the planks at the entrance of the cruise. We had bought consecutive cabins, on the upper decks, to save cash. A pair of rooms was a lot less, and although I had the cash to do otherwise, Amelia would never allow me to have a say in it, so I gave in. Now we were finished, and could relax away from the rest of this pitiful-

"Ka-BOOM!" We all jumped at the explosion as it racked the front half of the ship, and she started to sink.

"Oh, no. NO! Whoever DARES interfere with the vacation of the Lady of JUSTICE shall feel the wrath of the-"

"Now, now. That look's not very becoming, Amelia!"

"Die, heretic!"

"All that planning!" Gourry groaned behind me. I was hardly responsive enough to care.

"Dead. He's dead. Do you hear me, Xelloss? DEAD! I don't care if mazoku can't die, or whatever, you're dead!" This was accompanied by my frantic scurry up the side of the burning, sinking ship to his place at the top.

"So, you're not even going to give me a chance to apologize?"

"No! YOU'RE the one that RECOMMENDED this place to begin with! Why would I-"

"How about I do… this?" Xelloss smiled the same smile he had used every time this tactic came up.

"Light come forth!" In an instant, Gourry was between myself and Xelloss, who had been about to pull an old trick of his.

"Aw, jealous? I did get her first kiss, you know."

"Well, she's Mrs. Gabriev now!"

"Ah. Since I don't have a sur name to give you, it would be difficult for us-"

"Has anyone noticed the two of you are fighting over me like a damsel in distress while on a sinking, burning ship?"

"… Sinking? Burning?" The blonde giant speaks.

"Yes. I see you're response hasn't quickened, Mr.-" Xelloss was interrupted from below.

"XELLOSS! Get your-"

"Ah, Mr. Zelgadis! It's so good to see you!"

"Amelia, not right now…"

"Are you coming with us on the cruise?" Amelia persisted.

"Only if it involves ringing the mazoku's neck. Otherwise, no. Xelloss! I'm going to be wearing your hide, freak!"

"… How can a chimera say that with a straight face, while at the same time attempting to steal away a newly wed?"

"It's not like that! Amelia, quit with the puppy-dog eyes."

"… You know, I was just called in…" Goodfellow trailed off for a moment, before disappearing in a Xelloss-style flash.

"… Is that a divorce?" Amelia asked curiously.

"Why are you asking me?"

"Xelloss is MINE!" I cried with avengence as I lit up his prior seating position, above the captain's room.

"Li-Lina, is that really wise?"

"I haven't done anything wise since we started dating, Gourry, so I'm not starting now!"

"… Should we leave, Amelia?" Zelgadis asked from his place next to Amelia.

"Yes, before Miss Lina starts attacking us, too."

"Do you mind if I tag along?" Xelloss said from behind the pair.

"… Since it's the only way I can keep an eye on you." Zelgadis turned and started walking away.

"You people have serious faith issues. Since when was I the 'knife-in-back' type?"

"Since you were born. Come on, we may escape the Dragon slave if we start moving now."

"Ms. Lina is horribly faithless in your cowardice." Amelia noted firmly from behind.

"… I think that's good. I can run away without her following, for a while." Xelloss placed a hand to his chin as he thought.

"Is that all you ever do, Mr. Xelloss?"

"Sometimes. The rest of the time-" Xelloss was cut off with a wave of Zelgadis's hand.

"-you're burning Claire Bible manuscripts, getting us trapped in burning buildings, and causing a general amount of chaos."

"Now, no need to flatter me. I'm not all that good. I blow up demons and monsters, too."

"Oh, I'm so sorry for forgetting."

"You two are a nice pair, you know?" Amelia piped up randomly.

"WHAT?"

"…Hm…" Xelloss looked highly amused.

"You argue and get into lots of fights, and STILL get stuff done!"

"That's how I work with everyone, Amelia." Zelgadis sighed and started walking again. A few moments later-

"Interesting idea, though."

"…"

"One too many fanfics, I'm afraid." Xelloss explained immediately.

"I won't ask. I seriously won't ask." Zelgadis groaned as an explosion sounded behind him.