Crash… What a horrible word. No lilt or accent, just hard and rough.
Crash. One syllable, one meaning.
Is it wrong for me to despise the word?
Crash. One word to shatter me.
'We're sorry sir, but the passenger did not survive.'
Sorry? Are you really?
No…they're not. This happens so many times, they've numbed themselves. I can hear their thoughts…accusing, mocking.
Just another joy ride…
Just another bunch of dumb kids…
Just another death…
But it was not just another death, it was yours. Your death should be recognized, should be special…because it was you.
I look up at the looming specters in their long white coats, glasses and stethoscopes glinting in the moonlight. Much like your eyes…But I can't think of that now, I have to remember what I'm here for, what I live for.
My voice was wispy, cracked. "Where is he?"
One of the doctors glided away. Follow, follow.
He led me to a room, just as ill-lit as the others. Blackout they told me. The backup generator was malfunctioning today and they couldn't salvage enough energy to save you. No one was here but the doctors catching up on filing. No one was here.
You are on the bed, wrapped in the thin blue blankets…pale as the light that is creeping through the window, unmarked and beautiful as an archangel. No, you are an archangel now. There's nothing else you could be, could have been. I wonder if you see me right now, crying in front of the ghosts that haunt the hospitals. The souls that couldn't move on, the souls that couldn't be saved.
My vision is blurred; your skin is lukewarm to touch. You haven't been dead for long I see. I feel a presence and shout. Go away; I am not going to help you. Not today.
A warmth on my shoulder and I know it's you. You're smiling, wiping away my tears with one hand, holding me with another. You tell me through touch rather than words. Everything is going to be OK. That sounded just like you.
I feel my arms wrap around something that isn't entirely there. Your sadness is tangible, it fills the room. I'm sorry.
No. I'm sorry. I should have protected you, should have kept you safe…alive. You're crying too and I feel worse. Now I'm making you hurt even when you are dead.
Dead, now that I've said it, it's true. You are dead. I wrap your chilled body in my arms and cry. I can feel your spirit hovering near my shoulder, trying to soothe me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I wish I could've done better.
You want my reassurance, my promise. There was no need to ask. I will live for you; I will be strong, just like you were.
A live doctor comes in now, just as I put your body back among the thin blue blankets and pillows.
"I'm sorry," he says.
Me too.
I can't leave the empty shell behind, so I take it. Obviously they cleaned you well. Even now your body still feels like a perfect fit to mine.
The doctor kind of whispers, "Wait, what are you doing?"
I look back, and he turns away.
Outside, I gently put your body in the passenger side of one of the ambulances. The scene is too familiar. You are still here, hovering. I wonder why.
I love you. I always will.
You smile and reach for my cheek, sad that you can't touch me now. I'm sad too.
No, not sad, desolate. I need you to stay, but I know you don't belong. I want you to go, but a part of me craves your presence.
You have that strange smile on your face, as if you're sad and don't want to show it.
Don't lie to me, not now.
Not when I need the truth.
Not when I need the closure.
You nod your understanding. I realize you haven't said a word to me. Mute?
You look sad again. The moon that was hidden behind a cloud comes out, shining in full glory. It bathes everything; it's so bright I can't see you anymore.
A whisper of a touch. Remember your promise. And then you're gone.
The light recedes and I'm home. One last favor eh? Your body is no where to be found, but that doesn't matter. You are safe now. I know that everything is taken care of.
I will remember my promise, I'll remember enough for the both of us.
Our bed feels empty without you.
I look to the moon, the light that took you.
There will never be closure; I'll always feel the loss.
But I promised and I intend to keep it. Besides, I know if I take that road, I'll never be where you are. So I'll wait.
Until we meet again.
Until we meet again.