Poor Gimli
By Nolitari
A/N: When I learned what a Mary-sue really was, I thought it was disgusting. Egad! Annoying teenage girls (whom swear a TON) get transported to ME and then make one of the handsome ones fall for them. I realized that I haven't seen a story where the girl tries to make Gimli fall for them...so I thought I would stick the horrible creature with Poor Gimli. (sigh)
This is just a little humor piece about the a Gimli Sue, and yes, I know it's stupid! So I don't need you to tell me that if you don't like it.
Don't worry all, Chapters 14 for There and Never Going Back Again will be up sometime tomorrow, whereas IFD: Volunteer Division will have Chapter 2 posted maybe this evening. (Yes! I am continuing it!)
Flames will be fed to the wargs.
Really. I hate Sues. Death to the Sues!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, and if I did, do you think I would be writing this right now?
o-o-o-o-o
This, this is a story about a Sue, and how annoying Sues are. And Poor Gimli (note the capitol P) is stuck with the creature. This is how this very humorous and tragic tale goes. (It is tragic for Gimli, not the Sue!)
A teenage girl named Suzan (whom went by Sue) was rearranging her Gimli posters in her room once again. Oh how she wished to marry Gimli! He was such a handsome and rugged dwarf! She just couldn't get enough of him.
"Oh dearest Gimli! I wish I could be with you forever!" Sue said to the poster. Her brown eyes got that swooning look once again.
Sue started to chant a dwarvish war chant. Shouts from down the hall were telling her to stop.
"No one understands me!" Sue said over-dramatically. "They hate my war chants! No one likes me! I am sure you would though, Gimli. I wish I could be with you forever and ever and ever!"
With the smallest bit of luck, a bright light surrounded Sue. She was sucked into her favourite poster of Gimli (that sadly had Legolas on it, but she put a print out face of Gimli over his.)
"Where am I?" Sue stood back up and rubbed her eyes. Gandalf the Not-So-Brilliant White had just cast a spell that brought a girl from Earth. For a wizard, he wasn't that smart.
"Opps..." Gandalf said slowly.
"GIMLI!" Sue exclaimed and jumped on the Poor Dwarf. "OH GIMLI! IT IS YOU!"
"AH! Who are you? Help!" He said gruffly from under his postion. Sue had him pinned to the ground.
"I am Sue! You must fall in love with me since I am so beautiful!"
"HELP!" Gimli yelled despreatly. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gandalf were snickering. "HEEEEELLP!"
"Gimli! Oh dear Gimli! Will you marry me?"
"What? I barely know you! HELP ME!"
Legolas - after five minutes of Sue pelting Gimli with marrage proposals and love songs - finally peeled her off of the dwarf. Sue hissed at him. "Evil Elf!" The prince dropped Sue (Legolas had her 4 feet off of the ground...)
"Evil Elf!" He echoed.
"You heard me, pretty boy! If you didn't with all your snobby 'better than everyone elses' senses, then you are hopeless." Sue stood back up and glared at him from her short five foot hight.
"Gandalf! Send her back!" Gimli begged.
"Gandalf? Oh yes, that's what they used to call me."
"I'm not going anywhere. Oh my!" Sue exclaimed. "I'm growing a beard! YAY!"
"SEND HER BACK!"
"I am shrinking! My dreams are coming true! Gimli, will you marry me now?"
Sue was an actual chatterbox that would NOT shut up. Since Aragorn and Gandalf were so kind, they didn't leave the teenage Mary-Sue out all alone in Fangorn. (Notice that Legolas and Gimli would have liked to keep her there.) So, Aragorn and Gandalf decided to take her to Edoras with them.
"Can I ride with Gimli? Can I ride with Gimli? Can I ride with Gimli? Can I ride with Gimli?" Sue asked over and over and over and over again.
"I ride with Gimli!" Legolas said.
"But I want to ride with Gimli!" Sue latched onto one of Poor Gimli's arms. Legolas took the other. Between them, Sue and Legolas started tugging on him.
"I ride with Gimli! We can drag you!"
"No way, you pointy eared pixi!"
"HEY! The dwarf rides with ME!"
"He's going to be my future husband!"
"Do I have any say in this?"
"Shut up Gimli!"
"AHHH! MY ARMS ARE COMING OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS!"
"Quit it you three! Sue can ride with me!"
"No way do I want to ride with a smelly old wizard!"
Gandalf looked offended, for white wizards were much, much cleaner than dwarves. Now, a gray wizard isn't as clean, but that is because the gray-ness can hide all the dirt and grime.
"You are riding with me rather you like it or NOT!"
"Make me, you old bag!"
"YOUNG LADY!" Gandalf boomed. "DO NOT CALL ME THAT!"
"I live in a free country."
Gandalf was confused. Free country?
"And we have free speech." Sue continued.
Sue started a rant about a place called 'Virginia' that was in a country called the 'United States of America'. And in the 'United States of America' there was no king...
How can a country function?
...but, there was a person called the 'President'. This person couldn't tell them what to do, although there were laws that a person had to obey. No one person could make her do what she didn't want. That is, her parents could, at the time being.
"So, that is why you can't make me ride with you."
"Lady Sue, you are NOT in this 'United States of America' at the time being. You are in Rohan."
"I know that, you dingbat. I have seen all the movies about a million times and I collect Gimli posters."
The said dwarf looked very, very weirded out.
This girl had an obsession!
"I want to ride with Gimli! Why does everyone hate me? No one likes me! All I want to do is to ride with the Dwarf of my dreams!" Sue broke down in sue-tears, which hit Gandalf and Aragorn's soft spots. (Gimli and Legolas didn't have any for this Sue girl)
"Oh, fine. Legolas, you are riding with me." Gandalf huffed.
"B-..."
"Not a word."
Sue was now done with her fake cry, and she was dancing around Gimli. "I hope you know how to steer a horse, because I don't! Will you hold me? Please?"
Gimli, however, was on the verge of a breakdown. This annoying, vile creature was driving him out of his insanity, even more than the elf did at times.
Sooner rather than later they were atop the steed, with Sue in front of Gimli (obscuring his vision) bouncing excitedly. Poor Gimli was rocking back and fourth, trying to keep himself from getting rid of it in a very, very unhumane way.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-later on, at Edoras-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
"Oh lookie! It's the horsey place! Can we go to the horsey place, Gimli my love?"
The dwarf just said this in responce: "If it means getting rid of the likes of you, we can go there."
"Oh good! I want to see you hold that nasty Grima down. Did you know you hold Grima down?"
Gimli ground his teeth. This Sue was grating on his nerves! Legolas was snickering uncompassionatly from behind Gandalf. He didn't have a girl named Sue worshipping him. In fact, Sue hated him.
"Don't look for welcome here!" Sue said excitedly as they entered the gates. Gandalf glared at her. She stole his line!
"Gimli, you are supposed to say there is more cheer in a graveyard!" Sue whispered over her shoulder.
"I'd rather BE in the graveyard," He whimpered.
"Come on! Lets go! I want to see you hold Grima down in all your glory!" Sue bounced, and jumped from the saddle, dragging Gimli along with her. For a teenage girl, Sue was very strong.
"Lets go see Theoden! Lets go see Theoden!" Sue said obnoxiously. All Gandalf, Aragorn, and Legolas could do was laugh and poke fun at Gimli's misery.
Gimli went clattering up the stairs, while being dragged by Sue. "My Gimli! You are heavy. Have you ever considered a low carb diet?"
All Gimli could do was moan and whimper.
"We can't see the king dude until we hand over our weapons, right?" Sue said before one of Theoden's cronies could speak. "Well, I knew you were going to say that, so hand them over quickly, you old men!" Sue gestured at Legolas (who detested to be called old and a...man), Gandalf and Aragorn. Gimli, of course, was her love, so she didn't call him old.
As the other three handed all their Nice, Sharp, Pointy Objects over, Sue searched her pockets. All there was in there was a fingernail file, and a fortune cookie. Nothing very dangerous for a sixteen-year-old. "I'm clean! I'm only sixteen, you wouldn't expect me to be armed off of the ying yang, now would you?"
Theoden's cronie gave her the insane eye. "Eh...your staff..." He said to Gandalf. Right here Gandalf started to look all elderly and crippled. "Now, you wouldn't part an old geezer with his long staffy thing?" Sue questioned the cronie. Why couldn't she just SHUT UP?
"Um, no...I guess..." The cronie said, (who was later known as Hama) "Enter to see his highness..."
"OOOH! LOOK! IT'S THEODEN! Can I have your autograph? It'll make alot of money on ebay! Please?"
Everyone in the room looked baffled at Sue's sudden outburst. This was a very, very odd girl.
"You know, this hall isn't all too golden!" Sue said to one of the cronies that were circling the room while the others were speaking with the old guy on the throne, and the guy with the missing eyebrows and greasy hair.
Finally, ever so finally, it had come to the part where Gimli held down Grima. "YAY GIMLI!" Sue screamed. "HOLD EM DOWN!"
Theoden, who had somehow gotten a magical makeover (curtosy of Gandalf), looked at this girl in befuddlement (what a fun word.) Why was she in his hall? Why was she screaming like a maniac?
"Oh, just ignore me. Do your little 'I need to feel my sword' moment. I'll stay here and watch Gimli."
"NO!"
"I think I am getting even more dwarfish! What color is my beard?" Sue asked as she once again was dragging Gimli outside and down the stairs. Sue took him to the gates.
o-o-o-o-o
Poor Gimli.
He had to suffer hours on end of her unnessecary chatting. He paid no heed to her marrage proposals, of love declarations. Gimli just wanted her G-O-N-E!
"Wait, Gimli love? Did you hear something about clearing out to Helm's Deep? Can I ride with you? Please? Pleaseee?"
Gimli here was rocking back and fourth hugging his large axe. "There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home..." he whsipered.
"I'm going to go look around. Do you want to come with me?"
"NO!"
Sue started to sob. "Fine! You hate me! You hate me! Everyone hates me!"
"Oh just SHUT UP!"
"You LOVE me!"
"I do NOT love you!"
"Whaaa?"
A couple of hours later, after Gandalf and Aragorn's rantings, Edoras was well on their way to Helm's Deep.
"You know Gimli, at Helm's Deep, the wall will blow up, then you will go and jump off of it to save Aragorn!"
"I wish I could jump off a wall now."
"Aren't you going to tell Eowyn about Dwarf Women? Please? That is my FAVOURITE part in Two Towers!" Sue asked pleadingly.
"O-Okay..." Gimli whispered.
Aragorn could not help snickering at his friend. This Sue had brought him down to a wreck in a mere matter of hours. Priceless.
"They say Dwarf women don't exist since they are so alike in voice and appearance like Dwarf men..." Gimli said nervously. Sue was grinning from behind him. Gimli knew she was going to say something soon.
"GIMLI!"
The horse, startled by Sue's shout, reared, knocking Gimli and Sue off its back.
"HEY! YOU FAT DWARF!" Sue squirmed. Gimli had landed ontop of her. "OOooh..." He moaned and rolled off.
o-o-o-o-o
Right here there are some boring details about other conversations, and then there was Eowyn's terrible lunch. Sue even said so, making poor Eowyn cry. (Sue had a very good ability to make everyone want to cry.)
Now, Aragorn had come running back shouting about wargs. Sue loved that part!
Gimli was hoisted up onto his horse by some of the Rohirrim, and Sue climbed up behind him. "You are not leaving without me!" She said cheerfully.
"I don't think I could if I tried."
Sue loudly started chanting a Dwarvish war chant. Even Gimli couldn't bear it as they rode onto battle. It was odd, for one to be annoyed of the songs...eh, chants of their own homelands. Thankfully, she soon stopped. Then she started singing this one song that went a little something like the horrid Mirkwood national anthem.
As they galloped on, there was Legolas, as expected, sniping the wargs off. He was supposed to jump on the back of Arod and ride on with Gimli, but...
...Sue was there.
That stupid girl! Forever getting in the way and calling him an EVIL ELF! He still jumped up behind Gimli, and in the proccess knocking Sue off.
"YOU EVIL ELF!" She snarled. With a thud Sue hit the ground.
Gimli mouthed a 'thank-you' to Legolas. He had saved him from an emotional breakdown. Elves were good for a few things afterall.
Since Sue was afraid of the ugly, giant dogs, she hid behind a rock for the battle...except the part when Aragorn was getting dragged by the warg.
He had his poor hand stuck, and couldn't get it out. So, he fell off of the cliff.
Sue, since she was such a compassionate person, ran over to the cliffs edge where Theoden, Legolas and Beloved Gimli were standing.
"Oh my! What happened to AraGOOOORRRN!"
In the middle of Sue's sentance, Gimli and Legolas both shoved her off of the said cliff. With acomplished grins on their faces, the two friends watched the horrid creature named Sue fall to her fate.
"EEEEEVIILLLLL ELFFF!" Sue screached.
Theoden was utterly shocked. "You just pushed a maiden off of a cliff!"
"Your point?" Legolas asked. He reached out to push Theoden off of the cliff, but Gimli stopped him. "No, laddie! I do believe that Sue poisioned your mind!"
"Hmm, you are correct." The elf replied.
Poor Gimli never saw Sue again. Even when Aragorn showed up at Helm's Deep, she was not with him. She must have not survived.
Gimli was once again glad.
The End