Title: PSG
Author: Goatcheese
Rating: K+
Warnings: bit of blood, the usual
Characters: Beckett, Sheppard, McKay, Teyla, Ford.
Spoilers: None
Summary: Poor Beckett gets skewered.
Disclaimer: Stargate and all that is conected with it does not belong to me. Please don't sue. I'm poor.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to TJ for yelling at me to write more and then correcting the mistakes. You're the best.

PSG

Why doesn't anyone ever listen? They were told not to touch the sacred flower. Guess what happened? Exactly! They touched it. More specifically, McKay touched it. For a genius, the man can be a complete idiot. Now look what you did. The main team on Atlantis, which includes the ever-present leadership of Maj. John Sheppard, the 'other' military presence of Lt. Ford, one snarky scientist in the form of Rodney McKay, and the native to the Pegasus Galaxy, Teyla, who are now running at top speed trying not to get killed by the natives in loin clothes. Idiots.

Oh look. One of them has a brain. Surprise, surprise, it's the trained military officer. I wonder how they are going to get out of this one. There are very angry villagers with very pointy spears chasing after the mighty Atlantis team. Why don't they just blast the little buggers? Ah yes, they have no guns. I'll explain how that came about later. The aforementioned team of intrepid explorers is hiding in the bushes. Not the smartest plan, but it'll do. Seems like they are trying to double back to retrieve the lost doctor. I can't believe they left him there. I'd be pissed.

What was that? I didn't mention the doctor before? Sorry about that, I get confused at times. Anyway, at the moment he is laying in an empty field on the outskirts of the village. The team saw him go down, but they couldn't stop. They were afraid of being skewed on those nifty pointy sticks. I could have helped them of course, but wheres the fun in that?

On one hand, if the doctor with the great accent dies, Sheppard will probably feel responsible. On the other hand, if they persevere and make it out alive, all members accounted for; they will feel so good about themselves. See, I'm not helping so they can become better human beings.

What? How dare you accuse me of that? I would never make McKay touch the flower for my own amusement. You have to admit, it was pretty funny when he was trying to tell Sheppard he didn't touch it, that someone had 'made' him do it. I crack myself up. Anyway, back to the action...or lack thereof. Not counting the doctor, no one has been injured. The pointy stick guys (whom shall henceforth be known as PSG's) seem to have lost interest in the people who defiled their sacred plant. That's no fair.

Why is Sheppard talking on his radio? The PSG's are no longer in hearing distance and his team is. Hmm...thinking, thinking, thinking. What are you pointing at? Oh. The doctor...yes, yes I know he has a name. Mention this to no one. Moving on, the leader of the pack is trying to communicate to the lost pup. I didn't think he'd still be alive, with all that blood and all. Hey look; the PSG's are closing in on our doomed doctor's position. The plot thickens...dun, dun, dun!

Sheppard looks really worried now. He looks around at his team, matching expressions, no real surprise there. Oh, they're in a huddle. Don't fumble now guys or I'll have to find something else to do. They come out of the huddle with their game faces on. What do you mean you don't like the football language? Fine. Lookie there, they send McKay to go for reinforcements. Sheppard is probably still mad at him, as he should be. He touched the wrong thing, which caused his friend to get skewered. Also, Sheppard feels responsible because they are under his command. And maybe the best one yet, Teyla persuaded the team to go to the village without guns because the natives were a peaceful bunch. Four people who feel horrible for the price of one. I'm a genius!

Let's go check on the lovable Dr. B. He's surrounded by crimson earth...hey that sounded kind of poetic, maybe I should write it down. That stick looks painful, considering that it's going straight through his body...twice. That's got to sting! I would have passed out by now. He's such a trooper. Don't give up little buddy. Stop laughing at me; I was trying to be supportive. I'm actually proud of myself for getting that all out with a straight face.

He looks like a shish kabob. Good to know he has quick reflexes. I think they hurt him more than helped in this particular situation. See, when the pointy stick, thrown by the PSG's, came hurling towards him, the doctor-man raised his arms to shield himself. Bad move. The pointy stick went through his left forearm, into his shoulder and out the other side. This in itself sucks. This guy needs a lucky rabbit's foot or something. When he fell, the pointy end embedded itself into the ground, pining him. Dr. B's arm is stuck halfway up the stick thing. Basically, he can't move if his life depended on it. Wait, his life does depend on it. This is getting good! Pass the popcorn.

The PSG's have landed! They have surrounded the unlucky human kebab. You guys don't really need to poke him with your sticks. It's not like he's going anywhere. Oh well, they don't listen. Ah, I see one taking initiative. He tries to un-stick the stick. I made a pun. Aren't I special? What? All right, back to the good stuff. The stick doesn't seem to budge. The little bugger gave up way too quickly. I think the Scot has finally passes out. Either that or he's playing dead. Or he is dead. The PSG's look bored. They're drifting off again. These guys have the attention span of goldfish. Hey look, something shiny!

Back to the gung ho team. I have no idea what's happening with McKay. I can only watch so many people at a time you know. And a floundering Sheppard is way more fun to spy on than an ego driven scientist. They have seen the PSG's try to steal Beckett and fail. Now that our little friends have moved on, the team scrambles to Carson. Poor Dr. B I was right, as always. He passed out. Wait...he's moving again. Damn, this guy is my hero.

What do you mean 'stop snickering'? This is funny. Shep has no idea what he's going to do. He looks like a lost puppy. Here boy...go get the stick...fetch! Oh, breaking out the big knife. Maybe they're going to cut off the good doctor's arm. Aw man, looks like they're digging a hole instead. Smarty pants. Dig around the stick to get it loose. Maybe they'll find some buried treasure down there. I hope it's gold. I need a new supply.

Ok. I may just be an all powerful, all knowing being, but wouldn't it hurt just a touch if you're run-through by a huge toothpick and it's being wiggled back and forth? Maybe that's just me. No. I think Dr. B and I are on the same wavelength. He doesn't look too well. He looks like he should be dead by now. Blood everywhere, it looks kind of artsy, I'm going to take a picture. And the pasty skin, that color cannot be good. I can hear the painful moans all the way up here. Poor guy, maybe I'll share my popcorn with him when he's better.

From thy bloodied earth hath risen thy doctor from the stars. Rejoice! See, I can do Shakespeare. They have freed Dr. B, obviously. They're making him walk. Bastards. Well, it's not like they could carry him. Maybe if I send subliminal messages, they'll pull the stick out...pull it out, pull it out, pull it out, pull it out! Dang it, no luck. C'mon, this is getting dull. Fab three plus skewered doc peter towards the stargate. Not much to hold my interest. It is kind of funny watching the doctor try to move...he looks like the Scarecrow, but bloodier.

Ah ha! The PSG's heard my mental message. With renewed gusto, or lack of something better to do, they are once again chasing after the team waving their pointy sticks in the air. Ditch the doctor and save yourselves. The base doesn't need its Chief Medical Officer, you guys can make due without him. Just stick on a band-aid, they fix anything. Well, except maybe major blood loss. Perhaps a really big band-aid would fix that. Hmm...I'll have to experiment with that later.

What are you going to do now Mr. Military Man? You're surrounded, outnumbered, and out gunned. Surrender? Well, to tell you the truth, I didn't see that coming. He must think that the reinforcements, lead by the mighty will be there soon. I never heard the gate activate. Let's take a peek, and see why that is. Well Shep 'ole boy, looks like you have a problem. The sure footed scientist seems to have tripped. That doesn't sound all that bad. And it wouldn't have been if he hadn't fallen into a trap. Poor genius, stuck in a hole.

Man, those guys are quick. Shep, the hot chick, and the other guy are face down in the dirt with pointy sticks pressed into their backs. The rest of the PSG's are starring at the Doc like they don't know what to do with him. He's barely on his feet. You know, I'm starting to like this guy more and more. The PSG's have made a decision. They are dragging Carson back towards the village...one on each end of the stick. I think it's safe to say that Dr. B will pass out very soon.

The grounded team is yelling at the PSG's. Do you think they are going to listen to you? I mean think about it? See I told you. Now you all have nice new bruises to add to your collection. The Major is a slow learner. See, that's what you get, another whack with the stick.

Just as I suspected, the doctor is down. Clean up on aisle 4! The PSG's slap him a few times, but he's still dead to the world. They wait, and wait, and wait...he's unconscious guys. Patient little devils. Did I just see a twitch? It's alive! The natives seem pleased. Ok, that's not right. They are dragging him across the ground by the stick. Poor guy, he's almost unconscious again. Wait...there he goes.

The PSG's wait until he wakes up, then drag him a couple of feet before he passes out again. Sick bastards. They tire of this game since they haven't been able to drag the Doc very far. What are they doing now? They put Dr. B on his back and one of them puts his weight onto the stick and presses it into the ground. The Docs arm is now pinned to his chest and he's stuck in the ground again. The PSG's examine their handiwork, signal the others and run back to their village. What a weird group of sadistic buggers.

Yes, yes, I know I caused all of this. That's not the point. Besides, it's entertaining, better than watching a movie. Free from their half naked captors, the three stooges once again try to free Dr. B. The knife trick doesn't work this time. Well, that sucks for you guys. They're discussing tactic now. Boring. Ah, they have a plan.

Sheppard tries the break the stick using his hands. He fails miserably. Nice one. Now Shep has a hold on the top of the stick and that other guy has a hold on the stick just above Carson's arm. Oh, you guys have got to be kidding. This is not a Karate movie. I think Teyla is going to kick it. Hey Carson, if you can hear me, be glad that you're unconscious because this is going to hurt like hell.

The guys brace for the kick. I'm impressed. The Athosian chick snapped the stick like kindling. Can I have your number? Hey, it could happen. Now what are they doing. Ah, well I guess that makes sense. They seem to like Dr. B. My friends would have given up long ago. Hey, he's awake just in time to join the festivities. Shep stops when he sees that the Doc is once again in the land of the living

Ooh, now he's talking on the radio. I think he wants those reinforcements. He doesn't look too happy. That can only mean one thing; he must be talking to McKay. Yup, still in the hole. Well, you were an asset to this mission Rod 'ole boy. Woah Major, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

The team, lacking back-up, looks like they're just going to continue. They each grab a Beckett-part. Shep has the bloody shoulder, Teyla has the other shoulder, and that other dude with the hat has the legs. They all lift up...nice synchrony guys...and presto! Doc is no longer a human pin cushion. Aww, the bloody stick looks so barren now that the Doc isn't attached. Hey Shep, go find something else to stick on it so it won't feel lonely. Stop looking at me like that, I didn't say it had to be alive...just prefer it. Anyway, Dr. B now seems to be a human siren. It didn't look all that painful. Well, maybe a little, but hey, you're off the stick of doom. I wonder, if he's screaming that much, shouldn't he have passed out by now? Eh, maybe that's just me.

Yes, good little soldier boy, apply pressure to the wound. The other guy doesn't look very well. It'd be kind of funny if he passed out before the Doc does. He's wavering. I'm taking bets. Anyone want to get in on this action? Betting for him, are you? Your money is mine. That's it Shep, make him help you stop the bleeding. Surprise, surprise, Major guy has taken off his shirt to staunch the blood flow. Figures. Good news, that-guy-who-isn't-important-enough-for-me-to-remember-his-name, just fainted. Yes! No, I did not make him faint on purpose so he'd look like a pansy and I'd win the bet. I have no idea what you're talking about. How dare you even accuse me of that? Pay up. The bad news, he landed on Dr. B. I don't think the doc appreciated that, grunt boy.

Teyla pulled what's his face off of the cooler guy, and tied the Shep shirt around his shoulder. Moving time. The mighty Major slings the poorly doctor over his shoulder. Good ole fireman's carry. Works every time. Ok, now that's funny. Teyla, chick of many talents, has the fainting dude in the same carry. If the rest of the guys find out, he's going to get so much crap about it. I love it!

I hope you guys don't leave anything behind, like scientist in a hole. I wonder what he's doing in there. Probably trying to think up a good excuse so Shep won't kill him. It better be good. The intrepid team just reached the hole. Shep gently puts down the lovable Scot. Teyla isn't as gentle. Just toss him to the ground...there you go. The conscious bodies are peering into the shallow hole. McKay is sitting at the bottom eating a power bar. Bad move. It looks like their fearless leader is going to explode. Is that vein supposed to pulse like that?

The hot chick helps Mr. Geek out of the hole. At least he uses his genius intellect to walk as far away from Shep as possible. Self preservation at its finest. But on the bright side, Shep has to carry the Doc, so he doesn't really have any hands free for beating McKay to a pulp. He could order Teyla to do some bodily harm to the scientist, but she still has to carry what's his face. I can't believe he is still out. What a weenie.

Oh man, these guys just cannot catch a break. They just got about one hundred yards from the gate and more PSG's popped out of the woodwork. This just keeps getting better and better. Wow, I didn't know the major could run that fast carrying a Scot. He must workout. I wish I could watch that hot chick pump some iron. Anywho, the PSG's are catching up. Rod sprinted ahead to dial the gate, that must have hurt. He's actually waiting for the rest of the team so they can all go together. Isn't that sweet? I would have left their sorry asses to the wrath of the PSG's. After all, I had just fallen into a hole.

You're almost there guys. Here, try chanting 'I think I can...I think I can...I think I can...I think I can'. It works every time. Of course with what I've seen so far, you lot will probably be the exception. Yup, just as I thought. Teyla just stumbled because the gut she was lugging around woke up. Man he looks confused. He gets a shove towards the gate with Shep and luggage following. There seems to be a lot of that important substance on the Major; what's it called again...ah yes, blood. It can' t be that important if poor Dr. B. seems to be missing quite a lot and is still alive. He's still alive...right?

McKay deems the team close enough, and he hops through the gate. Scardy cat. The hot chick and the other guy hop through as well, but with more style. The Shepmiester gets a chink in his manly reputation as he trips going through the gate. This physical faux pas sends Beckett hurling into the gate. The guys on the other side are going to have fun with that one. I estimate the landing score will be about a 7. The sad little PSG's watch the sacred flower defilers scurry home. They look kind of bummed, but ay least one guy whose on the ball sent a pointy stick through the gate as a parting gift.

I hope it hit what's his name.

To Be Continued...