Note: This story takes place before the main events in The Hobbit and after Smaug has taken up residence in the Lonely Mountain.
Dragon High
Smaug's eyes flicked open as he sensed the intruder's presence. With a roar he burst from his hoard, rocking the mountain with a tremor. In a single leap he closed with the intruder, stopping just short of turning it into a small, sticky smear on the rocks. "HRRRAAAUUURRRHHHHHHHHH!"
"Uh..." A slight, unarmed man gaped in shock while literally frozen in terror. A large traveling pack and hiking stick sat next to him.
"Well, well. What do have we here?" Smaug studied the figure in front of him for a moment before fixing him with a glare. "Who are you?"
"I...I...I..." The man stuttered nervously.
"Well?" Smaug growled.
"I...I am Basil," The man finally managed to get out. "Son of Orris."
"And what are you?" Smaug took in his scent. "I have flown over countless lands and countless cities and never smelled anything like you before. Are you an Elf? Dwarf? Orc? Wizard?"
"Uh, no," Basil gulped. "I'm a scientist."
"Sigh-unn-tist," Smaug rolled the unfamiliar word around in his mouth. "Whoever heard of a sigh-unn-tist in Middle-Earth?"
"Well I admit we scientists are a rare and special breed," Basil mumbled.
"And are about to become even rarer," Smaug warned glaring at him. "Especially when you dare to come sneaking and scurrying around inside the halls of my mountain!"
"Uh, yeah. I do apologize for that," Basil gulped under Smaug's gaze. "I came here to study the geological formations inside the mountain and take samples of the various botanical and mineral contents..." Basil nearly fainted as Smaug let out a growl. "But I see I have disturbed you so I'll just be going now..."
PHHHOOOFFFFFFFFF!
Smaug let out a small fireball, incinerating Basil's traveling pack. "Or not," Basil gulped nervously.
"You're not going anywhere," Smaug smiled exposing his teeth. "Except to the land where you will reside for all eternity..." He paused and sniffed the air for a moment. "What is that strange, peculiar smell?"
"Uh," Basil stuttered, having fully expected to die. "What smell?"
"That smell!" Smaug roared taking another whiff. His head hovered over the smoking remains of Basil's pack. "That fragrant, earthy aroma that seeps into the mind and penetrates every crevasse!"
"Oh that," Basil identified which scent Smaug was talking about. "It's coffee."
"Caw-phee," Smaug repeated. "Is it some kind of rare, enchanted herb?"
"Not exactly, though depending on whom you ask," Basil shrugged. "It can be hard to come by.
"I see," Smaug purred savoring the scent. "Mmmm, it's so good..."
"Um, I should warn you," Basil said nervously. "Coffee has been observed to affect one's behavior when consumed by creatures that have hair. And inhalation of its fumes by snakes and lizards can cause them to act somewhat...irrational."
"Ha!" Smaug laughed in contempt before taking another deep inhalation. "Don't try to scare me, you foolish sigh-unn-tist. Caw-phee may be too much for some weak and insignificant snakes, but nothing on Middle-Earth can overcome the great and powerful Smaug!"
Twenty minutes later...
"Nobody ever understood me like my mama," Smaug wept noisily. Big, wet dragon tears fell and covered the floor. "You know what I'm talking about, right?"
"Uh huh," Basil nodded perched on a rock that protected him from the torrent.
"I never even bothered to tell her I loved her," Smaug howled in agony. "What kind of a son am I?"
"I feel your pain," Basil's eyes glazed over.
"WHY CAN'T I FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVED ME LIKE MY MAMA? I MISS MY MAMA!" Smaug sobbed.
"Oh boy," Basil groaned. "Note to self: never bring coffee around an emotionally repressed dragon!"
"Mama was the only one who ever loved me," Smaug bawled like a baby. "My brothers and sisters were always picking on me and stealing my share of warm, freshly killed corpses!"
"I see," Basil blinked. "Uh, just how many brothers and sisters did you have?"
"Eighteen," Smaug sniffed.
"Eighteen?!" Basil yelped.
"Uh huh," Smaug blew his nose, destroying a nearby rock statue. "And my father never loved me either! He was never around the nest at all! The only time I saw him was when he came by and ate up all my brothers and sisters..."
"What?!" Basil gasped in shock. "He ate all of them?"
"Yep, every last one!" Smaug moaned at the memory. "Not that they didn't deserve it. But father said they were too weak and taking too long to grow up. It's the dragon's way of making sure only the strongest survive, you know. Good thing mama killed him before he managed to eat me."
"She killed him?!" Basil repeated.
"And what a kill it was too!" Smaug wiped at his tears. "Ripped open his chest and tore out his heart in one go! Of course it was pretty much inevitable considering she was much larger and stronger than he ever was."
"She was what?" Basil paled in horror. "Larger and stronger?!"
"Of course. Female dragons are always bigger than males. Part of our race's dimorphism," Smaug informed him. "Not that father was tiny or anything. He was huge! We fed off his carcass for a month after mama killed him. Though we did pause to cremate his stomach to give my departed siblings a semi-decent farewell."
"Decent isn't the word I would call it," Basil groaned.
"Mama was the most magnificent dragon who ever lived!" Smaug declared proudly. "Except for possibly Haize. Oh, she was glorious!"
"Who was Haize?" Basil asked. "And what was I thinking when I asked that?"
"Haize was a female dragon I pined after when I was young," Smaug grew somewhat misty-eyed. "As soon as I set eyes on her I knew she'd be mine despite being a couple hundred years old than me."
"Huh, I never would have thought you would be into the older dragon type," Basil commented.
"She was the last female dragon I ever considered being with," Smaug sniffed. "Too bad she was killed by an army of elves and men before I could be with her." His eyes took on a dark look. "Evil elves. Evil men. I hate them. I really, really hate them..."
"Uh," Basil began to get very nervous again.
"After Haize was killed I didn't know what to do," Smaug sobbed and continued to pour his heart out. "I felt so empty I just wanted to die! At the same time I wanted to lash out and destroy everything and everyone I could bloody well get my claws on!"
"T-That's a pretty common reaction," Basil gulped. "Did you ever consider seeking out a support group?"
"Eventually I decided to come here," Smaug blinked at the opulence surrounding them. "I wanted to unleash my fury on the strongest, most formidable force I could find. And if they managed to kill me, then so be it! At least it would have ended my suffering!"
"Great, a suicidal, broken-hearted dragon," Basil groaned. "The dwarves of Erebor never stood a chance!"
"I finally snapped out of my rage only to find I was still alive," Smaug continued his tale. "And I found this mountain was liberally packed with gold. So I gathered it all and tried to recreate the comfort I had when I was back in the egg. All warm, snug and covered with gold once again."
"That's nice...wait a second," Basil blinked at him. "What do you mean again?"
"Well, duh. The interior of dragon eggs are lined with gold," Smaug smiled at the thought. "It's nice and soft and helps the eggs retain heat before they hatch."
"R...Really," Basil was stunned. "You're saying female dragons have the ability to create gold inside themselves?"
"Of course, but only in very small amounts," Smaug waved. "Gold is one of the many by-products of a female dragon's metabolic process. What do you expect from a race that derives their energy from internal fusion reactions?"
"Internal what?" Basil blinked.
"It's the whole reason why dragons can breathe fire," Smaug ignored the question, too caught up in his explanation. "We can create nuclear fusion reactions at will via certain organs and expel the resulting heat in a form of high-energy plasma or fire. All we need to consume is salt water. Or heavily saturated substances like meat or people with a high saline content. And the resulting heavy elements from the fusion process like iron are secreted onto our skin to form a dense, organic, carbon-alloyed armor. And since we dragons continue to grow throughout our lives we become stronger and more powerful all the time!"
"I have absolutely no idea what you are taking about," Basil looked completely lost.
"Neither do I," Smaug blinked. "Boy that caw-phee stuff sure packs a kick! I like it! My mind has never felt this clear! What was I talking about again?"
"I'm not really sure," Basil blinked. "Something about gold."
"Oh yeah, gold. I like gold," Smaug smiled and nuzzled down on his hoard. "It feels soooooo good! Just like being with a woman! Well, I think it feels like being with a woman. I'm not sure. I've never felt one before."
"Wait, you're saying you've never felt a woman?" Basil did a double-take. "But what about the reports of you sneaking into towns and carrying off the local maidens?"
"Oh those are just rumors," Smaug snorted and waved a claw around wastedly. "Ugly rumors too. I never carried off a maiden in my life! Those stupid, empty-headed bimbos just used me as a cover to run off with their loser boyfriends without ticking off their parents! Of course nobody ever looks beyond the 'innocent maiden' routine. They'd all just rather blame me!"
"Wow, I did not know that," Basil blinked. "Have you ever considered going out and finding a lady dragon to settle down with?"
"Hello? Weren't you listening to me before?" Smaug staggered and looked at him in annoyance. "I told you that Haize was the last female dragon I ever considered being with. She was the last female dragon ever to have lived! And that she died before I had a chance to be with her!"
"You mean..." Basil stared at Smaug in realization. "You're saying you are several hundred years old and that you've never...well, never..."
"Never," Smaug growled.
"Not even..." Basil began.
"Never," Smaug repeated.
"Wow," Basil whistled in amazement. "That explains a lot. No wonder you're so cranky."
"WHAT?!" Smaug roared.
"Uh oh," Basil's knees began to knock. "Please let me rephrase that..."
"How dare you dare to call me that!" Smaug clumsily staggered to the side. "My name isn't Franky!"
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm..." Basil stopped babbling profusely. "Wait, I didn't call you..."
"Ya know, that is a pretty funny word," Smaug blinked, forgetting his anger. "Fran-kee. Frank-eee. Ffff-ran-keeeeee..."
"Uh, yeah. Sure. Funny. Whatever you say," Basil gulped and wiped his brow.
"Phhhran-kee, kee, kee," Smaug chirped happily. "It sounds a lot like hokey. Hey, that gives me an idea!"
"Oh no," Basil groaned. "Please, not another one..."
"Ya put your right claw in! Ya put your right claw out!" Smaug began to sing while doing so. "Ya put your right claw in! And you tear all their guts out!"
"AAAHHHHHH!" Basil yelped as the whole room shook from the exertions.
"Ya do the Hokey Pokey and you gobble up the louts!" Smaug giddily twirled around. "That's what it's all about!"
"I'mgonnadie!" Basil whimpered clinging to a rock. "I'mgonnadie! I'mgonnadie!"
"ALRIGHT! GET DOWN BABY! YEAH!" Smaug howled and proceeded to break-dance.
"Oh geeze," Basil moaned as parts of the ceiling rained about him. "Important Life's Lesson Number Six: Never let a dragon smell coffee!"
Disclaimer: I do not own The Hobbit or the song "The Hokey Pokey".