Hello readers!
This is my first attempt at a holiday fic. The idea hit me out of the blue a few weeks ago, and – having written two Black Friday stories – I decided to try my hand at a Christmas story.
As the title might suggest, this is sort of a Sarah-centric take on the movie "A Christmas Story" (the leg lamp is not a central part of the plot, but does make an appearance). Basically, Sarah wants a new gun for Christmas, but there are a few complications. But since this is Sarah Walker, giant blonde she-male and crazy Black Friday shopaholic, she's not going to admit defeat easily.
There are a few "Christmas Story" references scattered throughout this fic, so see if you can find them. Also, the specific gun Sarah is looking for is fictional. It does not exist, to my knowledge.
I'm just going to leave it at that, and I hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck, nor do I own "A Christmas Story." I am merely a writer of this piece of fiction inspired by the aforementioned movie and involving characters from said TV show.
Sarah vs. the Leg Lamp
Part I: Convincing the Casey
December 1: Castle
"Fa la la la la la la la la," Sarah Walker murmured under her breath as she set a file folder and a cup of coffee down on the gray steel table. Her quiet caroling switched to humming as she sat down, shooting a curious glance at the hulking man across from her. Casey averted his eyes for a split second to return her gaze, and slowly returned his attention to his own folder.
With a barely audible sigh, Sarah flipped open the file and began to pore over the contents. However, the escapades of a former (alleged) art thief made her yawn with boredom, and the CIA agent soon found herself mischievously staring at the NSA colonel once more.
Casey felt Sarah's eyes boring holes into his downward-tilting forehead, and he looked up to see her devilish grin. Alarm bells immediately went off in his mind, and Casey straightened up, glaring back at his partner. He recognized that look on her face – she was up to no good.
Finally content with Casey's undivided (albeit cautious) attention, Sarah attempted to ease her way into her scheme. Alas, her thoughts moved too fast, and she blurted, "Chuck saw some ninjas down by the DVD section!"
The blonde winced at her exclamation as Casey's eyes widened in incredulity. She fired a nasty look at him, and the behemoth of an agent grunted in satisfaction before returning to his work.
Her face reddening, Sarah picked her dignity back up and tried again. This time, she leaned back in her chair casually and asked nonchalantly, "Have you seen this month's edition of the agency's weaponry catalogue?"
"I KNEW IT!" Casey roared, bolting out of his seat as papers scattered all over the floor. "I knew that's what this was about!"
Sarah smirked to herself, but quickly slipped into her innocent mode when Casey turned back to her. "Why, John, I'm sure I don't know what you mean."
"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Walker," he growled in response. "And don't call me that!"
The sole female member of Team Bartowski let an evil grin spread across her face. "Oh, so you've already looked at the catalogue," she said coolly. "I take it that you've also seen the latest Smith and Wesson masterpiece. The one with the GPS in it, of course."
Casey narrowed his eyes and looked back down at his folder. "Forget it, Walker. You've been blacklisted from that item."
Now that was news to Sarah. "Blacklisted? How can I be blacklisted from a gun?"
The cranky colonel sighed at the interruption, but grudgingly responded to his partner's question. "Need I remind you of the NSA/CIA Christmas party of '05?"
"Oh. I thought they'd have forgotten about that by now."
"You shot the director of Internal Affairs!"
Sarah frowned. "In my defense, the gun was poorly made. How was I supposed to know the trigger was in a different place on that model? Plus, it was just a flesh wound. It was his fault for sitting next to me during the gift exchange."
Casey merely slapped his forehead in frustration.
Pouting at her denial of weaponry, Sarah jiggled her foot against the table leg. Suddenly, the light bulb went on, and she spun her chair back to face Casey. "Well, it is Christmas, and you're not blacklisted, so maybe you could…"
"Forget it, Walker. I've got a harmless bonsai tree with your name on it, and I'm not buying another gift – especially a gun."
Sarah groaned, and promptly aborted her first attempt as she dropped her head onto the table.
Oh, fu-uuuuuudge.
Part II: Cajoling Chuck
December 8: Casa Bartowski
"Mmmm… I've always loved this Nerd Herd shirt of yours, Chuck. It's so… nerdy. In a good way."
Chuck and Sarah were sprawled out on the bed, cuddling. The blonde agent had not made any recent progress on her quest for the gun, and decided this would be the perfect moment to put her seduction skills to good use to sweet-talk her boyfriend.
The human Intersect accepted her compliment, but not without suspicion to her motives. "I've had this shirt for the three-plus years you've known me. Why are you just now telling me that you like it?"
Sarah bit her lip and realized the need for a change in strategy. Quickly, she swung Chuck's hands over his head and pinned them down before nuzzling up closer to him. "I don't know, it just came to me," she lied, discreetly glancing up at the nerd's wrist, which was clutched in her right hand. "I, uh, also love your watch. Very practical."
Chuck stared at her, even more curious. "Sarah, it's the Governor. Complete with a tracking device that you implanted." He shook his head, trying to sit up. "What exactly are you trying to get at?"
Panicking, Sarah searched frantically for something else to comment on. "Ha! Your shoes are Chucks! You have the same name as your shoes!"
"Sarah…"
"Oooh, and your curly, fluffy hair. It's so fluffy!"
"Sarah!" Chuck shouted, catching the spy off-guard. "What is the point of all this?"
The doe-eyed innocent look returned. "What do you mean, what's the point? I can't compliment you?"
The curly- (and fluffy-) haired nerd sighed, letting his head fall back onto the pillow. "Whenever you act like this, you want something," he deduced.
Sarah admitted defeat. "Well, there is one thing I want…"
Chuck raised his eyebrows. "Yes?"
"I kind of, uh, really want the new Smith and Wesson handgun. With the GPS."
Sarah watched as the computer geek's eyes fluttered and turned skywards, a motion with which she was too familiar. Seconds later, the Intersect completed its information download, and Chuck looked at his girlfriend with an apologetic expression.
"Yeah, about that… Sarah, it says you've been blacklisted from that particular model. And I think the CIA might find it a bit shifty if I bought the gun and later gave it to you. Sorry."
Sarah moaned as the second mission went down in flames, and buried her head in Chuck's nerdy shirt.
"Um, Sarah? Can you please let go of my wrists? I can't put my arms down…"
Part III: Calling Carina
December 19: Casa Bartowski
Sarah had been busying herself with decorating the living room for Christmas when her copy of Weapons Monthly slid off the coffee table. Remembrance of her hunt for the gun flooded back when she returned the catalogue to its original spot, and she began to inspect the gifts under the tree. Save for a package shaped like a woman's leg (why on earth Chuck would buy something like that for Morgan, Sarah could not find a reasonable answer), everything looked like normal Christmas gifts.
The blonde grumbled and kicked the coffee table, this time sending her cell phone flying. Sarah managed to catch it in mid-air before it could do any damage to the tree.
Suddenly, an idea bloomed in her mind. She speedily sifted through her contact list (admittedly, it wasn't very long) and clicked on the number she sought. There were three rings on the other end before someone picked up. "Miller, secure."
"Walker, secure," Sarah responded, practically hearing her redheaded friend grin wickedly through the phone.
"Hey there, Sarah," Carina greeted. "What's up? Getting tired of playing house with Chuckie?"
"No," Sarah answered hastily. "Chuck and I are fine, thanks."
"Hmph," her friend muttered. "Well, then, how about our dear Johnny-boy? Is he doing well?"
Sarah sighed an affirmative, wanting to get to the point of calling.
"Wow, Walker, you're really talkative today! Is there a reason you called me besides to put a damper on my fun?"
The gun-wanting spy tilted her head back and mouthed, "Finally!" to the sky before saying, "Yes, Carina, there is a reason I called. Have you heard about the new Smith and Wesson handgun?"
There was no hesitation on Carina's end of the line. "The one with the GPS?"
"Yes! That's the one!"
"Oh, yes, it's a very nice gun. A masterpiece. It fits perfectly in my hand, and that GPS comes in handy."
Sarah froze. "You have the new Smith and Wesson?" When Carina affirmed that she indeed owned the handgun, the blonde pumped her fist into the air at her luck. "Can you get me one?"
"Mm, I'm afraid not. I had to take down some mobster to get it in the first place. And from what I've heard, you've been blacklisted from that model."
Silent expletives flew out of Sarah's mouth at the mention of her misfortune. Her mood darkening, she delivered her order: "You're going to need to give me your gun."
Sarah heard the redhead shake her head on the other end. "Nope. Ralphie and I have become great friends in the time that we've been together. We make a great team, and I'm not going to part with him for your sake."
"You named your gun Ralph?"
"Sorry, Walker. Looks like you'll need to find someone else willing to give you the gun. Say hi to Chuckie for me!"
"Wait, Carina!"
The line went dead, and Sarah found herself screaming in envy.
Part IV: Content on Christmas
December 25: Casa Bartowski
After weeks of futile attempts to obtain the gun, Sarah finally came to terms with her fate on Christmas morning. She had received many wonderful gifts from Chuck (as well as the promised bonsai tree from Casey and a Princess Leia ornament from Morgan), and was satisfied with what she had.
When Chuck and Morgan went upstairs to play Call of Duty, Sarah remained seated on the couch with a mug of hot chocolate. She glanced warily at Morgan's new leg lamp (she'd have to talk to Chuck about that monstrosity) before sliding far away from it. The blonde shuddered at the lamp once more and returned to her beverage, soon interrupted by a beep from the TV screen.
"Good morning, Agent Walker," General Beckman greeted on-screen. "Have you and Agent Bartowski been enjoying your Christmas?"
Sarah smiled and answered affirmatively, trying not to notice that the general was in her pajamas.
"Good." Beckman paused for a moment, then spoke again. "I understand you were searching for the new Smith and Wesson gun with the GPS."
The CIA agent laughed sadly. "Christmas 2005 came back to haunt me."
The older woman nodded in understanding, just as someone knocked on the door of the Bartowski-Walker-Grimes apartment. "I believe you have a delivery, Agent Walker."
With a glance at the general, Sarah stood up and made her way over to the door. Sure enough, a man dressed in khakis and carrying a petite box was outside.
"Package for Sarah Walker," he announced, forking over his clipboard. The woman in question signed the paper and took the package from the deliveryman.
Sarah examined the container as she sat back down on the couch. Eager to open it, she looked expectantly up at Beckman, who gave a short nod of encouragement.
The tape was torn off and the flaps were opened, allowing Sarah to reach in and pull out the handgun – GPS included. Turning it over in her hands gleefully, she grinned at Beckman in thanks just as the general was about to terminate the connection.
"Oh, and one more thing, Agent Walker," the higher-ranking woman began, preparing to end the conversation. "Don't shoot your eye out."
The screen went blank, leaving Sarah with the gun in her hands and success in the air.
There you go. The fic that came into existence just because Beckman's closing remark somehow weaseled its way into my mind.
Reviews would be lovely! Favorite parts, anyone?
Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed this piece!
AQotL