Title: A Time to Grieve
Author: petitestars
Rating: T
Summary: In the days following her father's death, Sam struggles to regain control of her life.
Pairings: S/J, S/P (canon)
Author's Notes: Everyone else has done one, so I have too. Post threads fic as that episode has so much Sam angst I just couldn't resist. This is Part One of Three.
***
Sam feels disconnected. As if it isn't her that sits next to her Father's lifeless body. Taking a deep breath she then lets it out slowly before placing a final, gentle kiss on his forehead. She squeezes his hand and lets go, leaving the room, and her Dad, behind.
She doesn't go far.
Jack O'Neill leans against the wall, a concerned look on his face that makes Sam's insides twist uncomfortably. She stops just before him, her body aching for comfort but not willing to take that final step.
Jack barely hesitates engulfing her in a warm hug that Sam melts into, her hands clutching at his BDU shirt. He doesn't whisper useless platitudes, he just holds her until her body stops shaking.
***
Sitting numbly in General O'Neill's office Sam listens as he outlines the specifics of Jacob Carter's funeral arrangements. Some would think it odd that Jacob Carter had prearranged his own memorial, but to Sam it was something so very much like her father that it was all she could do to swallow back more tears. There would first be the family service in Washington DC where Jacob's ashes would be buried next to his wife. Then later in the week there would be a joint military and Tok'ra service at the SGC.
Sam tuned back into Jack's voice as he explained the details.
"He didn't want any fanfare for the private family service. All you need to do is get on the plane. General Hammond will be waiting and has organized everything in DC."
"It's only been," Sam glanced at the clock, 1415, "Four hours since he died."
Jack shrugged as if organizing funerals was something he did everyday, "It's done Carter. Go home and get some rest. I'll arrange a transport to take you and Pete to the plane at 0700."
She wanted to say that she didn't want Pete at the family service. It didn't seem right when he had only met her Dad once and it was clear to her that Jacob hadn't taken a liking to her fiance. She didn't want him at her side as she buried her Dad, she wanted her team. The men who had worked and respected and knew her Dad. However Teal'c was on Dakara, Jack was tied to the base and Daniel… Daniel was nowhere to be found.
Sam opened her mouth but all that came out was a defeated, "Yes Sir."
Jack seemed to pick up on at least some of her rambling thoughts, "I want to be there Carter." His words and his voice were gentle, "But I can't leave the SGC just yet. I'll be there for the military service on Friday."
Sam felt the words thick in her throat as tears threatened and she decided to ignore the voice of reason in her head and say what she was really thinking, "You should be there for the family service. You and Teal'c and Daniel." Her words were harsh and angry but she didn't care.
"Carter," Jack's voice was pained.
Sam shook the anger and sadness away and stood up, "I'm sorry sir. Thank you for the arrangements, I'll see you when I get back."
She left before he could reply.
***
Sam dreams that she is alone.
She can see the shadows of her team in the distance but when she gets closer, their images seem to melt into the darkness as if they were never there in the first place.
Her Dad's voice whispers in her ear.
Are you happy Sam?
Pete appears holding a bunch of roses and a wide smile on his face. She reaches out to touch him but he suddenly pulls away, a scowl replacing his cheerful expression. He turns his back to her then disappears.
Her Dad's voice gets louder.
Are you happy Sam?
Sam wakes with tears on her face feeling so desperately lonely that she is halfway through dialing O'Neill's number on her cell phone before she fully awakens. She pauses and thinks it odd that her first instinct is to call her CO and not her fiance. Snapping her phone shut Sam lies back in her bed and begins to think.
***
Sam is surprised to see General O'Neill's truck swing into her driveway at 0650. She is even more surprised when Teal'c's hulking figure gets out of the passenger seat and approaches her sitting alone on the porch steps.
He pulls her up off the steps and embraces her in a gentle hug that belies his impressive strength. She feels the tears well up and presses her face into his chest feeling the hard steel of his muscles beneath his shirt.
"I am sorry I could not be here when Jacob Carter passed away."
Sam pulled away and looked into the Jaffa's solemn face, "You're here now."
Jack approached the pair and reached down to pick up Sam's bag, "This all you got Carter?"
Sam saw him glace around looking for Pete and she felt a stirring of guilt. She had called Pete but instead of asking him to come over she had explained the funeral was only going to be a very small family service and told him not to take the time off work. He had protested, but Sam was insistent and he had acquiesced reluctantly.
"Yes sir."
They drive in comfortable silence to the airstrip where a private plane awaits them. Teal'c boards the plane while Jack hangs back fiddling with his sunglasses.
"I'm sorry I can't go."
Sam hesitates for a moment then reaches out and wraps her arms around him. She feels relief when his own arms encircle her and he presses close, "I understand."
She thinks of Teal'c waiting for her on the plane and of Hammond, Mark and the kids in DC and the loneliness that had haunted her during the night faded.
"Call me when you get there." Jack squeezes her tightly then lets go.
***
The private service is quiet and respectful. Teal'c stands behind her, a solid and unmoving presence that she leans into when General Hammond's eulogy sparks a fresh wave of grief.
Afterward Sam lingers at the grave site with Mark while the rest of the gathering heads back to the car. Mark gives her an awkward hug. Although they have reconciled, the years of frustration and resentment has damaged their once comfortable relationship.
"He was so proud of you Sam."
Sam shakes her head, "He was proud of you too Mark." She gestured to where his kids, now teenagers, stood with Teal'c gawking at his different appearance, "He was so happy you found Lisa and that you have a wonderful family."
Mark nods, "Yeah. He was a different person to what I remember as a kid."
Sam thinks of how Selmak eased her father's rough edges and bought out a side of him that she hadn't seen since before her mother died. She wanted to tell Mark of all the things their Dad had accomplished with Selmak over the years, all the lives he had saved and the fantastic adventures that had reawakened his ailing life.
She couldn't tell him though. She could only hope that one day she would be able to share it all with him. Instead all she offers is a murmured agreement and another, much more comfortable hug.
As Mark leads her back to the car he asks, "So where is Pete?"
***
Sam lies in bed awake for an hour before realizing she just isn't going to sleep. The hotel bed is comfortable and private, Teal'c has his own room next door, but she can't quite get her brain to switch off. Her mind bounces between the images of her Dad's empty casket to a picturesque house with a sold sign out the front to the image of Daniel being beamed away before her very eyes.
Turning on the light she grabs the hotel stationary sitting by the bed, scribbling equations on the notepaper for a while before letting her mind wander. She starts a new page and writes in big letters on the page his name, Pete.
Life, like science, is always clearer to Sam when its written down in front of her. Its like the complex mathematical equations she scribbles on the whiteboard in her lab, it always helps to physically see the problem and she never fails to have a solution when it is written baldly in front of her. The bold black ink always seems like a challenge to her, and Sam Carter has never backed away from a challenge.
PETE, pete, Pete. Sam writes his name over and over again on the paper. Pete. Pete and Sam. Sam and Pete. Sam Shanahan. Samantha and Pete Shanahan.
Pete loves Sam.
Sam scribbles that out and writes.
Sam loves Pete.
It doesn't feel right. It doesn't sound right.
Sam sighs and turns the paper over. She writes almost unwillingly, Carter and O'Neill. Then in smaller print she writes, Sam and Jack.
A warm, comfortable feeling spreads through Sam's chest and she smiles sadly.
Picking up the pen again she writes.
Sam can't love Jack.
Then she screws up the piece of paper and throws it across the room.
***