Adult Education

AN: I've been writing more dramatic stories lately. Sometimes, I need some funny to fend off the blues.

I hope you like it.

Thanks for reading. I'll finish the next one, so you will have another chapter on Friday.

Chapter 1

I don't think you can be considered a stalker when you work with the object of your interest. It's absolutely not obsession.

This is a true fact. I can't possibly avoid seeing him walk past my classroom on the way to lunch. He's an unintentional strutter. He doesn't realize that he's strutting his stuff when heading to the cafeteria to pick up a drink to have with lunch, but he is. His brown paper sack containing his lunch swaying with the movements of his hips. I know this because I wait exactly one minute before following him through the hallway. I could time it so we walked together and had an actual conversation, but that means talking to have that conversation. He intimated the hell out of me.

I noticed he always purchases plain, old milk. Never does he get chocolate. I wonder if he knows that he's missing out.

Also, it isn't like I'm sitting at my desk and waiting for him to walk past. I'm actually doing my job and grading horrible charcoal drawings. At this time of morning, he heads into the teacher's lounge to get coffee before his first class of the day. Caffeine before teaching a group of hormonal, high school freshmen how to dissect frogs in biology is important.

I wish Mr. Edward Cullen would teach me biology. The naked kind.

Hell was in my future. Here I was surrounded by my students' art works and thinking dirty thoughts about the biology teacher. They were just babies. Foul-mouthed, sexually charged babies.

Michael Newton drew a picture of two fried eggs. That wasn't the assignment. It was sketching the student who sat next you. Sweet Allison Harris would be so confused that he drew eggs and not—

Oh. Those were supposed to be her breasts. I see the letter 'D' in that boy's future.

My chin was itching like I had fleas. I scratched at the red fuzz trying to find some relief. The wig on my head was just as bad. My scalp was unpleasantly tingling.

The clock ticked closer and closer to the time Mr. Cullen would walk past my classroom with his coffee cup that had a picture of the evolution of man on it. Rumor had it that Mr. Cullen would never leave his mug in the teacher's lounge just in case it might accidentally get germs. It was if he thought that the all his fellow teachers had cooties. Although when I thought about that cold sore on the corner of Jim Molina's mouth, Mr. Cullen might be onto something.

I itched furiously at the side of my face when Mr. Cullen came past. What I didn't expect that he glanced into my room, did a double take, and stumbled. He kept upright by grabbing onto the wall.

"Miss Swan, you have a beard," he said incredulously.

The way he said my name was kind of oddly sexy. I was certain he would never call me my first name. It would be really awkward if we had sex. He would just be moaning Miss Swan the whole time. However, his voice was kind of husky. It could still be hot.

"It is Halloween, Mr. Cullen," I was able to stay without stuttering. I tried to give him a seductive smile, but I think it fell flat. A costume of a nineteenth century man wasn't really the most attractive ensemble to catch Mr. Cullen's eye.

"Teachers aren't supposed to dress for the holiday. It gives the wrong impression to the students." He was so stern. That man needed some loosening up.

I stood up with a much dignity as a woman dressed as a post-impressionistic artist could muster and walked over to a picture of Vincent Van Gogh. Mr. Cullen's hair was a similar hue as the deceased painter, but his eyes were green like a ficus. "I'm dressed up for a lecture on the artist Van Gogh. Do you see the resemblance?"

"Not at all." His nose crinkled. "Why is your ear covered in a dirty tissue?"

"It's my blood. In a psychotic episode, I sliced off my ear and left it at a house of ill-repute for my fellow artist, Gauguin. I'll leave out the fact that it was a brothel filled with prostitutes and that Van Gogh had gonorrhea. It really is quite a racy story that they can learn in college," I explained. "Does it really look like blood seeping out of my bandage? I used red and brown pastels to create a dried blood look. You're a human body guy, so does this look like dried blood?"

Mr. Cullen's mouth dropped open. He just stared at me until he regained his composure. "Do you think this is the proper way to teach a class, Miss Swan? The students are here to buckle down and learn the lessons they need to succeed in life."

Pretty is as pretty does, my mama always used to say to me when I was young. Actually talking to Edward Cullen has made me realize that for all his good looking on the outside, the man inside had serious personality issues. He needed ice cream and a carousel. Those things always made me feel like a nicer person.

"Learning should be fun. We have a huge dropout rate at this school. There has to be a better way to keep them in their seats and learning the knowledge that we were hired to teach them," I explained.

There was a flash for a moment that he was might be trying to understand my way of thinking, but it quickly vanished. "You do teach art. There is nothing really beneficial to the world about that."

My wig would look lovely stuffed into his mouth.

Mr. Cullen was saved by the bell.

He looked at his watch in annoyance. "Now I won't be able to get any coffee!"

"I wouldn't worry to much about it. Yesterday, Angela made it and she's home with the stomach flu." I watched as his face turned green . Holding up my thermos, i added, "That's why I always bring my own java."

His face turned several shades of red, turned on his heel, and stomped back the way he came.

I hoped he was super tired all day from no coffee and worried that he had the plague.

Crush over.

XXXXXX

Not exactly over. He was all I looked at as we sat in the lounge eating our lunches.

I stared as he took a bite of his sandwich. The man could chew a turkey sandwich like a champ.

There was a rip as a part of my beard was ripped off. I screamed, "Gentle, Alice!"

My best friend shrugged. "What was I supposed to do? The mix of your long hair and the ugly beard made you look like the bearded lady at the carnival."

I had changed after my Painting 1 class. The beard wasn't the best look with a skirt.

Alice sighed and looked over to where Edward was sitting with the group that taught the science, math, and history classes. They rarely smiled, instead they talked about important things like world events and politics. The popular kids all grown up.

The teachers were as bad as the kids in the cafeteria sitting in our little cliches. The English instructors were reading the classics at their table. The artsy teachers sat and support staff sat on the outskirts of the room. We were the dorks of this institution.

She whined as she threw her arm over her face, "What does Jasper see in her?"

I had no clue what my sassy friend saw in that wet blanket. She was all reckless abandon with her black hair hacked off with a pocket knife after one particularly wild wine drinking night. Seinfeld reruns, Pinot, and an old Swiss pocket knife seemed like a great idea at the time. Now? Not so much.

Jasper Whitlock, on the other hand, wore button downs and pressed, pleated khakis. I watched him eat pizza with a knife and fork. He droned on about Civil War battles. Alice could do so much better.

"Who knows," I said as I started picking at my container of Chinese food.

Jasper Whitlock taught history and Rosalie Hale was a French teacher. They looked like twins with their blond hair and frowns. Hale was pretty if you liked the adult version of the cheerleading squad captain. Jasper was probably Prom King, so it made some sense. Alice hated the fact that were together. She was completely enamored of that pickle puss.

"It's just gross. They don't even talk to each other," Alice pointed out. Rosalie was drinking coffee and reading a copy of Paris Match. Whitlock was talking to Mr. Cullen. Occasionally, they looked over in our direction. Alice finally noticed. "They are looking at us! Maybe Jasper is seeing my inner glow!"

I waved at my stuffy crush causing him to look down at his sandwich with his usual frown. I wondered if he would like some of my leftover chow mein. Bland sandwiches were never fun.

"They're probably just mocking our unconventional teaching methods," I grumbled.

"Just wait until the ghouls from my advanced class come and haunt the third period classes. I got some ghastly make-up for them. It will be a spooky good time!" Alice exclaimed and bounced in her seat.

I threw my napkin at her head. "Dr. Volturi is finally going make good on his threat and fire you, Brandon."

Rosalie Hale shot us a nasty look. We must be interrupting her perusal of French celebrity gossip.

"Then Daddy fires him. It's a twisted circle of job loss, Hells Bells."

Alice's father was the Supernatant of our school district. There was some lovely job security with having him in that position.

"Why is Ali getting fired again?" Katie, the music teacher plopped in the chair next to me. Tanya, the school nurse sat as well. Both the women had hair that was a mess. Katie's head was always a frazzled poof of hair, but Tanya's do was a surprise. It was a knotty jumble of strawberry blonde knots.

"She's sending her kids to play ghostly menaces in the more traditional classes," I explained. Katie's face brightened in excitement at the upcoming chaos our dramatic friend was going to bring. I turned to Tanya. "What the hell happened to you?"

"James and the janitor's closet," She said with a grin. James was the physical education instructor and rumor had it that he could be extremely flexible in tight spaces. I never had the pleasure, but I enjoyed the stories about him. I might to have a boyfriend, but I had a blue vibrating buddy. Tanya's stories gave me a plethora of inspiration.

Katie looked wistful. "I remember the days that Garrett would want to get frisky in places other than the bedroom. Now I'm lucky if he wants to get vertical on the couch after watching Sports Center."

Tanya chuckled. "That's why I'm staying single, honey. Anyway, McCarty interrupted. I was half undressed and he asked me to pass him his mop. He's the sweetest thing."

The sweetest thing came lumbering in with his cleaning cart. Emmett McCarty was previously the star of this school's football team and, after one particularly violent knock on the head, ended up the janitor. He was treated horribly around here. The poor guy was trying so hard to work his way back from his injury. Sometimes I left him candy on the desk in his tiny office. Everyone needs a little something to brighten their day.

"Thanks for my mop, Miss Denali." Emmett was blushing.

"No problem, sugar. What you doing tonight?" She gave his hand a squeeze.

He shrugged and shuffled his feet. "Watching Sports Center."

"Do they all watch that?" Katie asked in disgust. "I hate stupid sports. Garrett's going to be young Andre Agassi tonight. I had to buy him a dumb wig. I should just shave his head while he's asleep. He has the old Agassi beer gut already."

Tanya nudged her hard in the shoulder. "We are going to El Diego's for tacos tonight. Wanna come?"

The large man's smile was infectious. His dimples were delightful. I wondered if he would model for my drawing class. Clothed, of course. This was still a high school. "I love tacos!"

"Great! I'll pick you up. You still with your mom on Clark Drive?" She asked. He nodded the affirmative. "I'll be there at seven. Do you have a costume? It's Halloween."

"No, Miss Denali," He said quietly.

She squeezed his hand. "No worries. I have the perfect thing."

Emmett kept nodding and smiling, as went to collect the trash.

"You're a gem," I told Tanya.

Tanya rolled her eyes. "No biggie. He's a good guy and deserves some fun. After the accident, I think he lost a lot of friends. It isn't fair."

"He has some now," I added and pointed to my friends.

Alice pounded the table in excitement. "Margaritas!"

That lady was like live wire of energy. From the corner of my eye, I saw Mr. Whitlock whisper something to Mr. Cullen. Whatever was said, caused Mr. Cullen to stand and come over to our table. He looked at me and I stared back.

"Miss Swan . . . I . . . Well . . . You lost your beard," he said nervously.

"Yeah. It was itchy, Mr. Cullen."

"Call me, Edward."

"Okay," I squeaked.

The girls were looking at us in shock.

"I think it might be armageddon," Alice whispered loudly to Katie.

"Indeed, Al," Katie replied. "I need some damn popcorn."

Mr. Cullen, I mean, Edward said the most remarkable thing. "I need to apologize for mocking your teaching methods. Jasper and I were discussing them and realized that perhaps you have a point."

I thought I heard the angels singing. I, Isabella Swan, actually made a good point. It was best to pretend to be cool about being right. I wasn't a pompous know-it-all. He was. I wanted to get that pompous know-it-all naked. "Oh."

"I was wondering if you would meet with us to discuss your methods." He rubbed his neck and looked uncomfortable.

"Threesome," Tanya mouthed at me. I kicked her under the table. "Ow!"

"You can get tacos tonight with us. We'll meet at El Diego's after seven. Unless your busy with a girlfriend toni—" I began. It was always good to find out what I'm working with. I was a lot of things, but a home wrecker wasn't one of them.

"Lauren and I broke up. She's in quarantine at her research lab. There was an accident with a vial of a new disease that was just discovered." Edward didn't look too shook up about it. Instead, he was adorably aloof.

"It was mutual?"

"I broke up with her, of course!" Edward looked at me like I was nuts. That man was hardcore heartless. He continued, "If she couldn't be careful with infectious diseases, what kind of mother would she be?"

He did have a point.

"Makes sense." I pointed at him. "So are you in for tonight?"

"Yes. Jasper and I will be there this evening." He gave us a farewell nod and headed back to the table.

"He'll be in something tonight," Tanya stated with a grin. She tapped my forehead. "You."

"You're awful, Tanya."

She blew me a kiss. "You love my awful."

"I really do," I agreed.

"Jasper and I will be in the same room! What should I wear?" Alice was in full meltdown.

I let Katie work on calming her. I was thinking about educating Mr. Cullen. Not about teaching, but about romance. It was going to be my greatest accomplishment or most devastating defeat.