MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM, DEPRESSION, AND SUICIDE

Chapter One

Dear Dumb Diary,

I can't believe I am writing in this journal again, but here I am, writing in this thing. This is the only place where I can admit to how I truly feel. I would never tell anyone how I feel, not even my Dad. I am afraid that anyone I told would judge me. I don't want to be judged. I just want help. God, I need help. I know I need help. I just don't know how to ask. I have been dealing with this on my own for three years now. I am not sure how to ask and come out with it. It's just three little words, I need help. I need help. I need help. I am not sure how can that be so hard to say… I need help. I need help, Dad, I need help. There that wasn't hard. I can write it down but every time I think about saying it out loud, I become mush. The words just don't form. I begin to sweat, my hands, heck, my whole body begins to shake and eventually, I just have to walk away, I can't bring myself to tell him. But I need to tell him, he needs to know the truth. He deserves to know the truth.

It's just so hard to say those words, not just I need help, but also those three other words.

I am depressed.

Dad, I suffer from depression, I have since I was thirteen-years-old, ever since Mom died.

Okay, that's seventeen words, but it still makes my point. I can never seem to actually say those words to my father. Why not? Why can I never say those words to my father? Why is it so hard just to say that? I can figure it out. The words just never want to come out when I talk to my father. It's funny, I tell my father everything and I do mean everything except for this. I just can't find the right way to tell him. I mean I just want to come out with it. I really don't want to keep it a secret anymore…

I don't think I can keep it a secret anymore.

I won't lie, because I promised myself I would always write the truth in this journal, I have been feeling… Worthless. Lonely. I have recently felt that there is no purpose for me to be on this earth anymore. I don't see any point, not a single one. I feel worse and worse every single day. I know I have been getting worse with each passing day. I can feel myself sinking every single day. I am not sure how I manage to get through every single day without having a complete breakdown. I should be grateful that I haven't had a breakdown yet. I guess that gives me a little more time to figure out how to tell my Dad. although I have had a few panic attacks recently which probably isn't a good thing, my father hasn't found out about them so I guess that is a good thing.

But you know, as I said before, the thought of suicide has been coming up more. I haven't really thought about suicide until about a few weeks ago. I really don't know what happened to get me thinking about suicide, but something happened a few weeks ago, a shift happened and now I have found my mood continuing to go down.

I think my father may have noticed or at least he is starting to notice. I mean I haven't exactly been the easiest person in the world for the past couple of weeks, you know ever since the shift happened. I know I have started to spend a lot of time in my room with all my things. I think my father is starting to notice that something is wrong or at least I hope he is. I honestly don't know if he notices or not. Maybe he doesn't notice. God, that got me feeling worse. Maybe I should just end all of my pain right now. Maybe I should just…

Yes, I am thinking about suicide, but I also have another thought…

What would happen to my father if I ended my life? He lost my mom three years ago and that almost broke him. I think it would have completely broken him if it wasn't for me. I guess he stayed strong for me and I stayed strong for him. Thinking about it, we never really talk about my mother's death. We just managed on with our lives without my mother and his wife. Heck, we still haven't talked about it. I don't think we will ever talk about her death. If I took my own life, would my father completely break? I am honestly not sure. Just like myself, he bottles up his emotions too. He never talks about what is going through his head. I guess he is a lot stronger than me if he can go through so many things and so many emotions without talking about it and not going completely crazy. Maybe I should take some lessons from him. I might learn a thing or two. Although, I have to say that I think my father might do just fine without me. After all, he does have his firehouse family, heck he spends more time with them than he does with me. I am sure people will probably say that is not true, but it certainly feels that…

Speaking of my father, I am pretty sure I hear him calling my name right now. I guess I have to go now. Another torturous day at school. Gee, I can't wait. God, you don't know how much I hate that school. I think I may skip school today so I can avoid getting my daily beating from Kyle Graham. Don't know why he always wants to bully me.

Until Next Time, Maybe,

Lukas Ryan Casey