The room was darkening quickly as the sun set below the windows of his small second floor apartment. His breaths came in short rapid succession as his body trembled uncontrollably. Here he sat on the edge of his bed cradling his head in his hands. He tried to process what he was feeling. Was it emptiness or just a figment of his imagination? No it wasn't a figment. This was real, a real pain that drilled itself deeply into his soul.
The past few months had been extremely difficult, not only because of the job, but this sadness that wound its way into his soul. Six years he's been a paramedic, six years filled with heartache. Yeah there was celebration, but not near enough to outweigh the tragedy. Each one took a small piece of him.
His partner noticed a change in demeanor and asked him about it several times. His concern for him is genuine. They been together the entire six years and he couldn't imagine working with anyone else. Each time he'd shaken the question off as being tired. He hadn't lied to his partner. He was tired both physically and mentally. Was it this deep sadness that caused it? His mind wandered to a recent class he'd taken for recognizing, what did the instructor call it, depression? Yeah that's it, recognizing depression in first responders. No, he couldn't be suffering from depression. He was just sad that's all.
But last shift, oh how he wished he could forget it. Last shift, yeah that was the one that lead to this, whatever this is. It lead to him sitting here alone in his empty apartment. Here he sat in darkness questioning himself. A shiver ran up his spine as he recalled the last run.
The station was called to a structural fire on the run down side of town. Already his heart had begun to ache. Here people had little to lose. When they arrived the home was only partially involved. He'd quickly packed out hoping to stop the flames from claiming the entire home. Maybe he could prevent them from losing everything. That's when she came and began to pull him toward the burning house. Her eyes pleaded with him.
"Please, oh God, my children. My children are still in there. Please!"
His heart had skipped a beat. He'd stared into her fear filled eyes. Those eyes that begged him to do something. He'd tried to stay calm. Honestly he'd tried, but the thought of children being trapped had made it difficult.
"Ma'am, where? Where and how many?" he'd asked while gently placing his hands on her narrow shoulders.
She had motioned frantically toward the back of the house while continuing to pull him toward it.
"There, there in the back room. They were asleep. I tried, oh God, I tried to reach them, but…but it was too hot."
He'd relayed the information to Captain Stanley before he and his partner entered the burning home. Cap had sent two of his crew mates in to help. Together they'd searched. Minutes passed slowly. The smoke and heat had grown worse far too quickly. His hope was beginning to fade.
"Here! We found them!" came a muffled voice from an adjacent room.
His heart had soared. He had prayed, prayed they'd found them in time. He and his team mates had made their way quickly to egress carrying the four bodies, limp and lifeless. He'd berated himself for jumping to conclusions. He had wanted to believe so badly they were merely unconscious, that they could be saved. Daylight however confirmed his deepest fear. Despite all his effort he'd arrived too late.
Children, God, they were only children, innocent lives.
He could still hear the anguished cries of their mother begging him to save them. Her grief filled screams echoed in his mind as the image of her pulling at his jacket flooded a weary mind. He tried to choke back his own cries.
Children, God, they were only children.
The mother's cries faded to the father's anger. He couldn't blame the father. The man had every right to be angry over the deaths of his four children. He didn't flinch when the man had punched him. He just stood motionless in silence while a narrow line of blood began to trickle from his nose. He couldn't give a reply when the father demanded to know why his offspring couldn't be saved.
Children, God, they were only children, aged three, five, six and eight, children who would never grow up, who would never experience the fullness of life.
Tears ran freely down his tired face as he shook uncontrollably. His sobs filled the once quiet room. He'd failed, failed to save them. The dragon claimed them as its own. If only he'd been quicker to reach them. If he'd run directly in instead of stopping to tell Captain Stanley of his intent, he'd been able to rescue them.
His partner warned of getting too attached to victims. He tried not to. However when children were involved he couldn't help it. He trembled with anguish. He'd failed, failed to rescue innocent children.
He picked up the survival knife that lay next to him wondering if he could continue. He studied the well-worn blade before running a thumb down the narrow blade to test its sharpness. The steel placed a thin cut down the pad. He watched a small dot of blood became a narrow line.
A shudder ran through him as the thought of ending it all entered his mind. It would be easy. Being a paramedic he knew exactly where to cut and how deep. It scared him how easy it would be. His mind began to form a plan causing him to shake uncontrollably. By the time anyone came by it would be too late. He could leave the shower…
He shook his head and set the knife back on the bed. He again cradled his head with his hands and rocked back and forth slowly. Tears ran freely down his cheeks. Could he really do it? It would end this anguish he felt. How he longed to end this pain. No! If he did he'd leave not only his family but friends, brothers, who been with him through everything. It wouldn't be fair to them especially to his mother. No, he couldn't end it, not this way. He couldn't cause them this much pain.
His hands shook as he dialed the phone. He was scared, scared to admit that he of all people needed help. He was the one who helped others not the other way around. Everyone else at the station handled things fine. They'd spoken to Dr. Burrows during debrief, but he couldn't find the words to express this agony he felt. He hesitated when he heard a familiar voice answer. Taking a long deep breath he summoned the courage to reach out. He didn't want to be alone, not now.
"Hey, uh, Cap. It's Johnny. I…I know it's late, b-b-but can I meet you somewhere. I really need to talk. Ya know about our last call. Well actually, Sir, it's more than that."
The line went silent for a few moments. "Yeah, John, how about you come on over to the house. The rest of the guys are already here."
Johnny swallowed hard. He could mention a few things about the last call, but the rest he needed to discuss privately. He didn't want his friends to know about the dark thoughts he was having.
"Uh, yeah, Cap. I can do that, but I really need to talk with you alone. I've got some things going on that I don't want the guys to know about."
"Johnny, you're not alone. I know what 'things' you're referring to. We have a difficult job and see a lot of tragedy. I do understand. Still come over and we will all have our own kind of debrief. Then you and I will make that call. Everything will be kept confidential. It's up to you to decide if they need to know and Johnny thanks for taking that first step. I don't think any less of you. If anything you've shown more courage in the last few minutes than ever. You're one hell of a paramedic."
A/N: If you or someone you know is a first responder that is trying to cope with depression and/or thoughts of suicide you're not alone. There are others daily who are struggling too. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. The most courageous people are the ones who reach out. There are several places that offer confidential help. One is the Fire/EMS help line 1-888-731-FIRE (3473)