Just a one-shot I came up with now that I'm on a bit of break from law school. Hope you like it ^_^
Cool night air nipped at the neck of the solitary figure. Trees swayed gently to the beat of nature's drum as crickets made their presence known. The neighbourhood was peaceful with the only thing indicating the presence of human life the light coming from the various homes. Silence did nothing to calm the nerves of the figure as he stood with his hands pinned to his sides in front of one particular door. In spite of the cool air, little droplets of sweat ran down his back and others formed in his palms. Suddenly he felt like he was overheating, but he knew it was absurd since the only source of heat this night could be found coming from the porch lights illuminating where he stood.
'It's just Usagi!'
Even that thought did nothing to quell his fraying nerves. Drawing on the same strength he had used in his professional life, he wiped a sweaty palm in his coat, rang the doorbell and waited for the occupant to answer. Surprise was evident on his face when an unknown person opened the door and greeted him.
"Gomen'nasai! I know it's late but is Usagi home?" he asked as politely as he could. Every fibre in his being ached to know who this stranger was, but he ensured this his demeanour did not betray him.
"Iie. Who are you?" The stranger asked warily. Brown eyes stared back at him with caution. Chestnut coloured hair gently blew causing a few strands to lie on the strangers face. The posture was strong, mimicking an army general of sorts. All of what he estimated were 6 feet and 2 inches were extended to their full height, making the stranger seem like a giant to him although their height difference was not that great. The eyes of the stranger in the doorway grew icier the longer his answer was delayed.
"Just tell her 'the baka' passed by." He said as he turned away and walked down the path that led to the car he was renting. Walking away he still felt the eyes burning into him until he finally got into his car and left.
The drive back to his apartment was quick; he drove on 'auto' while his thoughts were on certain girl. 'Woman now.' he thought in correction. It had been 10 years since they had parted ways to follow their career paths. Just before that, he thought, they were on the verge of…something. It had made him curse himself for spending so much of their earlier years together bickering like children, when he realised that there would be no time now to fully explore…something…before they parted. Whipping himself up a batch of coffee he imagined her reaction to him drinking it at this late hour and laughed.
"How can you sleep with all that caffeine in your system Mamoru-chan?" she would ask with her face clearly showing her disgust at his choice of drink. "Your grave will probably grow coffee beans with how much you consume."
Sitting in the black loveseat with his feet on the coffee table in front of him, he looked around the quiet room and embraced the silence. The living room he sat in at the moment did not speak to him. The plain white walls in this new apartment and its lack of décor reminded him of his old room in his parents' house. He had always refused to call it home because it seldom felt like that to him. This room reminded him of a point in his life where he preferred to hide in his loneliness; it was a point where he was still unsure of his life ever looking up. His father, a businessman, spent more time travelling to build his "empire" than he did with his family. His mother, a lawyer, who worked as the attorney for his father's companies, was either travelling with her husband or spending a lot of time in the office working on other cases for her other clients. Taking over from his father was the automatic career everyone assumed he would fall into. It was to be a no brainer. The surprise and outrage on his parents' face when he told them he wanted to go to music school instead of following in his father's shoes was almost heart-breaking. Almost.
Everyone thought he had gone crazy: why turn down sure money to try to make it in such a difficult field? It was tough to earn a living as a musician anywhere in the world – that fact he had never disputed. Leaving Japan to go to the US to pursue a dream which had a greater probability of not coming true was definitely crazy. Sure, the success stories of pop stars and other musical geniuses was enough to make anyone chase the same dream; but those stories did not reflect the struggle of the ordinary musician who had to work low paying gigs hoping one day to graduate to stardom. It did not deter him.
Vividly, Mamoru brought to his mind the moment he knew he wanted to be involved in music. He had been lounging around Usagi's house as was his custom on Saturdays after she had dragged him window shopping. Never before had he listened carefully to the words of music she played, which he had deemed to be of "questionable" taste, until the words to a certain song seemed to be about him. How could someone who did not know him, write a song that was a direct reflection of how he felt? How could the rhythm of the music evoke emotions in him which he tried to keep to himself? It was the right tempo – not too fast, not too slow – to make something stir within him. The singer sang with the right amount of conviction to make it seem as though she was singing especially for him. But to him, that was preposterous and he had not breathed a word about his curiosity for music to a soul, until another Saturday she had caught him humming it as they window shopped. Having been caught, he told her his feelings about that song; how it seemed to encapsulate every single thing he wished he could say freely to his parents. Mamoru had waited for her to laugh, but to his surprise she got him; she understood exactly what he meant. Good music, she had said, has a special ability to speak to at least one other person as though it was written with them in mind. She kept her "questionable" music, which she said was just a way of relaxing, but had sent him what she termed as her "better" music for him to listen to.
"Listen and tell me what you think." Usagi had told him a bit timidly. "The beauty in some of them is the way they can move you, so just allow yourself to feel."
A loud sigh escaped from Mamoru's lips. From that moment on he was completely captivated by music: classical, pop, jazz, R&B, soul. He started classes on the side trying to learn as much as he could, and eventually he left to go to university to expand his horizons. His parents paid for him but it was implicit in their conditions attached that he was to disassociate himself from them when, in their opinions, he inevitably failed.
"Definitely proved them wrong didn't I!" he said proudly.
After he had found his calling, he discovered different ways of expressing himself in the living spaces that he occupied as he travelled around the world. He spent time redecorating the apartments he rented to suit his new tastes. Whatever art he could find to reflect his love of music he bought. Whichever pieces he could take with him he would simply reuse as he moved on to different places, while selling the remaining pieces. Turning an eye to his unpacked suitcases in the corner he thought fondly of one of the pieces he knew it contained; a piece he had bought because it reminded him of one person. Her. One of only two people who had supported him in his decision to pursue a career in music.
"You'll be great at it Mamoru-chan. I just know you will." He recalled her words of encouragement that she had said with a slight blush. "I know it hurts that they don't support you, but would you rather do what they want and be miserable, or pursue your dreams and be happy?" she questioned as she reached over to hold his hand. "You should do what makes you happy Mamoru. Nothing less."
She had made it sound much simpler than it really was, but her unwavering support kept his spirits buoyed when the bouts of loneliness sought to creep in during his first few years.
"Remember, you're doing this for us baka!"
That was the message he had found on his phone one day when he had felt overwhelmed. Reading it had made him laugh out loud for the first time since he was over there, before his mind wrapped itself around what she was telling him. She had encouraged him to go after his dreams, while she was stuck in her parents' dreams for her. He did not need another reason to do it for her however; it had always been for her.
"Doctor Tsukino Usagi." Mamoru said to himself as he pictured the photo she had sent of her on graduation day, with both her parents standing with proud smiles beaming behind her.
He got up from his seat and anxiously made his way over to the suitcase to take the piece out; the rest of the stuff could wait until later. Slowly he stooped; his hand faltered before he could unzip it and he withdrew it quickly as though he had been burned. His mind went back to the stranger who had greeted him at what he knew was now her house; who was he? He did not look like family; over the years he was pretty sure he had met or at least heard of most of her family. A tiny bit of hope latched onto the fact that maybe he was distant family that he had never heard of. All of a sudden he did not want to have a picture which reminded him of her until he knew exactly where they stood. A feeling of disappointment gripped Mamoru's heart when he thought that his music had not achieved its intended purpose. The music and lyrics he wrote were for her; singing was not his talent, and therefore he settled for being the person behind the singer. He was Chiba Mamoru: expert pianist and song writer for many A and B list artistes. By excelling during university the musical world had opened up to him with high recommendations from his lecturers, who knew the exact calls to make to get him through the door so many others had found locked. His music impressed and soon he skyrocketed to prominence, but to Mamoru his music was simply an outlet for expressing what he felt and he hoped Usagi carefully listened and understood. Any time he wrote a new song or composed new music he would send it to her and let her have the first look or listen; if she did not get it, he would rework it until she approved. Had his music failed to convey what he felt for her? Was that stranger a boyfriend or husband? Was he proof that Usagi had not understood the intentions behind his lyrics? In all of their contact over the years she had never mentioned a lover to him. Hope flickered again as tense fingers clenched and flexed as he rode the wave of emotions. He stood, deciding to sleep instead of battling his own thoughts.
"Maybe trying to surprise her wasn't the best idea after all." Mamoru said dejectedly. If he had called, he thought, he would have met up with her and gotten all of this out of the way. There would have been no stranger there to but in. Now…now he had doubts about it all and was almost regretting his decision to come back home for vacation before he disappeared on another European tour. Almost. He would not give up without at least making sure she knew how he felt. While he had been fully confident in her feeling the same, now he was not so sure. However, he refused to let that deter him; if she did not feel the same, he could easily bury himself in his music since he would be thousands of miles away from her. If, like his first gut told him, she felt the same he would find a way to make…something…work between them. How? Those details he had not yet worked out, but it would work somehow. Tomorrow, he would call her and let her know he was here and ask her to meet him for lunch. For now, he would sleep and rest his tired body and mind.
Today was her first of two days off. No calls were to come; no messages about patients or emergencies. Her first off day in what felt like forever was to be spent in bed, while tomorrow she would do any personal chores that needed to be done. She was so determined to stick to her plans that she refused to answer the first call that came on her cell.
"Leave me alone!" she had whispered in disgust to the offending object on her night stand as she rolled over, looking at it with all the hate she could muster.
A second call disturbing her plans to sleep in had her all but ready to say a few choice words to the person on the other end. The number registered on the caller ID made her stomach fill with butterflies. He never called unless it was urgent; it was much cheaper to use other methods of social media or Skype given their distance. Maybe she had missed some songs or music he sent for her opinion. A tinge of jealousy had pricked her when she thought about it, but she answered all the same.
"Time to wake up sleeping Odango!" Mamoru had quipped cheerfully at her. She hated his ability to be a morning person.
They had fallen into their usual routine until he took a more serious tone, informing her that he was back home for a few weeks and wanted to meet up for lunch today. She had been nervous but agreed to meet him nonetheless, and as she stood at the entrance of the Crown Café she could not fight the feeling welling up within her. The air still carried a chill even during the day; she did not know whether it was that or the nerves which caused the shiver to run down her spine but instinctively she wrapped her coat tighter around her body. Blonde hair wrapped around her face as the wind picked up and it signalled to her that it was time to go inside. Her legs, however, would not move as her mind conjured questions she could not answer. Suppose he wanted to meet her urgently to introduce someone important that he brought home with him? Suppose he wanted her blessing on his relationship? He always sent his music to her for approval. Was he here to seek the same approval for a relationship? Was that the reason for his trip home? She knew when they were about to part ways she felt…something. Had he felt it too? Surely he must have, given the amount of time they had been spending together. They were being more open with each other, more willing to be alone to simply discuss their own lives. The normal bickering had remained of course, but it became less heated. In place of the constant teasing they gave each other was…something. Taking a deep breath she summoned the courage she drew upon in the emergency room and entered. It did not take long to pick out the jet black hair from among the many other patrons there. Again however, her feet did not want to cooperate.
One step. Two steps. 'Calm down Usa. Calm down. It's just Mamoru.' And somehow that thought only made her even more uneasy.
Eventually she slipped into her seat opposite him. He smiled gently at her as she took in his appearance, hating that he looked so put together while her lack of sleep was unmistakeably written all over her face even in the afternoon. Could she have put off lunch to another day? Possibly. He was here for a few weeks. Did she want to? The spontaneous smile she returned now that she finally had him here in person was all the answer she needed.
"You look like you've missed sleep for a whole week Odango." Mamoru said with a cheeky grin.
And like that the nerves were gone.
"How lovely to see you too baka." She responded with a dramatic roll of her eyes. "ONE time I wore my hair like that and you've made sure I never forgot what you thought of it."
"Hey, that's what friends are for!" he replied with the same grin.
"Ugh! What did I do in a past life to be stuck with you?" Usagi drawled while burying her face in her hands.
"Would you prefer to be stuck with wonder boy at home?" came his question. Looking at him quizzically since she did not understand, she saw the grin still in place but his eyes portrayed something different and then it was gone.
"Who's wonder boy?" she asked honestly.
"I stopped by last night to surprise you with my presence. Wonder boy told me you weren't home while guarding the door to make sure I didn't enter his kingdom."
Realisation dawned on her and while part of her wanted to test the waters to see what he felt, the other part told her not to take the risk. Going with the latter part of her she responded easily. "That's Nephrite-kun. He and Mako-chan are crashing with me for a few weeks while some renovations are being done on their apartment." She saw his shoulders visibly relax as though a weight had been lifted. Then it hit her. "You're the baka who came by last night!" She exclaimed a bit too loudly. Heads of a couple of the patrons turned in her direction and immediately she blushed.
"Gomen." It was a meek apology. "Nephrite did tell me when I got home but I was too tired from work to even process what he was saying so I just mumbled a response and went to bed. Guess you couldn't wait to see me after all these years ne?" she proclaimed haughtily.
Now it was his turn to roll his eyes even though the accusation was true. It was one thing to skype; it was another thing to have the person right in front of you. As much as he wanted to lie, he could not. "Yea…so what if I couldn't?"
'Real smooth.' Mamoru said to himself dryly.
"Hehe! What brings you home Mamoru-chan? And how are we in such a public place and no one is bombarding you?"
"To answer the last question, the public doesn't consider me to be the star. I'm the composer and song writer. As far as the public is concerned, it's the singer that does the work and therefore they get the fame. I just enjoy the small fortune I earn behind the scenes in royalties whenever someone decides to use my music." Mamoru started with a chuckle. He leaned forward placing both elbows on the table and continued. "For your first question," he paused for a couple of seconds, "I came home to see you before I go off to Europe in a few weeks. I need your…advice on the next move I should make in life." Mamoru tried to be ambiguous to see her reaction, but for Usagi it brought back the questions that made her want to run from this meeting. Tears welled up in the corners of her eye which she easily brushed off by attributing it to allergies when he cupped her cheek in concern.
"I…" he faltered a bit and ran a sweaty palm through his hair. 'I tell her how I feel in all my songs! This should NOT be hard!' he thought in frustration. "I…" sitting back in a huff he tried to start for a third time as he looked at the confusion written upon Usagi's face. "Right before we went off to university our relationship changed. At least to me. I know what I started to feel then and what I've continued to feel over the years as we've remained good friends. I guess I came home to see if you ever felt the same; if, even after all these years you still feel the same, or if I'm 10 years too late." His eyes were cast down to look at his lap as he awaited a response. The longer her response took to come, the more edgy he became until he could no longer take it. "If you're going to reject me at least make it quick Usagi-chan!" Mamoru said a bit more testily then he had intended, but it seemed to snap her out of her daydream.
"Mamoru…" He finally said exactly what she wanted to hear and yet she was finding it hard to respond. Inside she was doing backflips but she did not know how to respond in a demure manner that was non-cheesy. "Yes." Was the only response she could manage.
"Yes? Yes to which part Usa?" Mamoru said in a gentler tone than before. He desperately wanted it to be yes to feeling the same and not a yes to being too late.
"Yes I…I felt the shift in our relationship, but I didn't think you still felt the same. There was so much we had never said to each other and I didn't want to assume…" she trailed off, not wanting to sound silly if her original thoughts were wrong. At first his songs and his music resonated within her heart. She was sure, at first, that they were written and composed for her as his way of letting her know what he felt. Soon, she did not know whether she still believed they were only for her, or if they were still for her at all. Had he met someone over there? Usagi had seen and knew the circles he was now associated with. Did one of the singers he worked with now have his affections? Certainly, she had thought, another musician would be able to understand his schedule and would be right there with him as they travelled.
"Assume what?" Mamoru asked urging her to continue.
"Assume that the songs were for me. They felt like they were for me with how they spoke to me. I didn't want to be wrong." She rattled off quickly.
Mamoru smiled like a child on Christmas morning opening his presents. 'She got it!' He wanted to shower her with kisses but he resisted; there would be time for that later. "No, you weren't wrong Usa." Tenderly, he tucked a few loose strands of her hair behind her ear before he traced the line of her jaw.
"Well look who the winds brought back to Tokyo with them."
Both were jolted out of their world and looked up to see Motoki hovering over them, with his green eyes hardly able to contain his mirth. With a nervous laugh Mamoru stood to embrace his best friend since childhood – the only other person to support him in this crazy dream of his.
"Sorry about that Motoki! It was supposed to be a surprise." He said with a Cheshire cat smile. "I'm sure you understand."
"Hai." Motoki answered with a knowing eyebrow raised. "Let me get your orders and we can catch up later tonight at my place."
"Ahh onegai! Go easy on me." Mamoru pleaded.
"We'll see based on what you have to say Chiba."
"Stay." He whined as he buried his face in her stomach as he lay on her lap.
"You know I have to go Mamoru." Usagi whispered as she ran her fingers through his hair. "I'm on call tonight and I want to be there instead of waiting on any emergency to occur."
"Fine." He accepted reluctantly as he sat up. "Let me walk you home. It's darker now than when we took our stroll today."
Usagi knew there was no arguing so she obliged. Three weeks had passed and Mamoru would only be here for another three weeks before he disappeared again into his world of performances and tours. Who knew when he would return to her? As she freshened up in his bathroom she was overcome by the familiar feeling of regret of choosing to follow her parents' path for her instead of being brave like Mamoru and following her own. Taking in her reflection, her weariness was palpable. It was not that she did not love her job; she loved seeing her patients recover and go on to live healthy lives after her treatment. She hated that she had had no choice in the matter.
'Well that's not necessarily true.' She said to herself as she remembered Mamoru again.
Sighing as she slicked her hair back in a messy bun, Usagi gave herself a once over before she exited the bathroom. Mamoru was so deep in thought sitting at the dining table as he waited on her that he had not noticed her presence. Like she had done a few times before when she was here, she saw him staring ahead at a piece of art on the wall. The woman who was obviously nude sat with her body hidden behind the cello that she played. It was provocative but yet it was not lewd. She could see why Mamoru bought it, but she became a bit unnerved at the attention he gave to it. Now Usagi hated that woman even though she did not know her. What she did know was that this woman got a whole lot of devotion from her boyfriend that she did not like. Did he recently buy this here at home or did he have this for years? Did he always give that woman this much attention? Did she call Mamoru her boyfriend?
"What's so interesting about her?" Usagi said with venom lacing her voice.
"Huh? Oh." Came Mamoru's response as he awoke out of his stupor. He contemplated not telling her the real reason just in case she did not take it well. Would any girl like hearing that you bought a picture with a nude woman because it reminded you of her? Probably not. However, not wanting to start their relationship on a sour note he simply told her the truth. "Please don't take it the wrong way, but I saw the picture and you came to mind."
Astonishment was all over her face and she knew he could see it.
"Umm. Not like how you may think. She looks sad playing her cello." Usagi looked at her expression and grudgingly agreed.
"That message you had sent to me about doing my music for us…I knew you were stuck becoming a doctor but in all our time knowing each other I couldn't ever remember you saying what you really wanted to be. I racked my brain trying to recall you ever telling me and I felt horrible for not ever asking you. Then it occurred to me one day: no matter the genre, no matter the technicality I spoke with, no matter the hour, you were always able to have a conversation with me about any aspect of music. You were sharp, never once doubting yourself on any pointers you gave to me which all helped to get me to where I am today. You never had to reach while we spoke; it never seemed like I was talking over your head and you were right there with me. That's when I realised that you wanted to do music." he paused to look her in the eye. "When I saw her sadly playing her cello it reminded me of your disappointment at not being able to pursue music. Living your musical dream vicariously through me can only do so much right?"
She could only stare back into his eyes as she processed what he had said. Over the years she had purposely kept it a secret from him, especially since she could, as he said, live vicariously through him. He thought about her more than she realised. Another glance at the picture and she could see exactly what he meant. Whenever she had a chance she would play the grand piano at her parents' home very solemnly while no one else was around. The emotion portrayed in the piece was therefore very much what she knew she felt whenever she did get to play.
"I can see what you mean." She spoke as she stared at the piece. Getting to work early had been temporarily forgotten as she was drawn into the world the piece created. The woman appeared to take on her features and for a moment she was looking at herself. "It was an extra-curricular activity that I had to do as a requirement of being born into an upper class family I suppose; private tutoring of course. Music taught you how to be a proper lady they said. You had to learn how to dance appropriately at their social events and you had to learn just enough music to make sure you could engage in any conversations about it when necessary." Her fingers were fidgeting with the ring which hung from the chain she wore. "They hadn't anticipated that I would actually take a liking to it. In fact, I think I initially despised going to music class simply because I was being forced to. But as I got into it I loved it. I loved sitting at the piano and playing the classics. I loved taking songs from other genres and playing them. I loved listening to those popular songs and breaking them down. Some songs were just notes in my head: crochet, minim, rest, quaver, quaver, semi quaver, rest. Then I got into the lyrics of some songs and I tried my hand at writing." Automatically her head hung as she tried desperately not to be overcome by the sadness. "My parents would have reacted like your parents if I ever approached them about doing music as a profession. We come from a family of doctors and that's how it is to remain. I'm not as brave as you are for going against your family, but I knew that I could get close to the musical world if you succeeded."
She felt herself being surrounded by his warmth as he embraced her. The tension in her body dissipated as she allowed herself to relax.
"There's this…plan…in my head." Mamoru said while he released her from his hold. "Just…just promise me you'll think about it ok? Not tonight but some time before I have to leave." Taking a deep breath he finally said what had been on his mind since he met her that day for lunch. "Come with me."
"What?" she asked while looking at him incredulously.
"Come with me. You want to do music. I do music. You already help me so much with my work that you should be earning part of the income. We could be a team and work together officially. It sounds outrageous, I know, but remember how outrageous it sounded to everyone else when I chose music. I'm being a bit selfish because, of course, I want you with me, but I don't think you want to spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been."
"No." she said resolutely as she shook her head vigorously. "No I can't do that Mamoru. You know I can't!"
As she pulled away from him and took a step back he distinctly felt the sting of rejection. "But…"
"Didn't you hear anything I just said Mamoru? Family of doctors? Cannot go outside of that? I can't up and leave now! I'd be going against my family!" she said hysterically. The pitch of her voice rose as an indication of how flustered she was.
"What about the girl who encouraged ME to go against my family?" he asked visibly upset. "You told me it's ok to go against my family to pursue what would make me happy; that I need to be happy instead of simply following what they wanted me to do and ending up miserable. Remember that?"
"I know I told you that Mamoru, and I stand by it. But please understand I can't just go against my parents!" she pleaded with him. She did not like begging but right now she could feel a lot more than 10 years and 3 weeks being sucked down the drain and that was something she did not want to lose. "Onegai…understand how important this is to my parents and therefore how important it is to me."
"Ahh I see. So your parents' dream for you is so important that you don't want to break up your happy family by going against them. My parents' wishes obviously weren't as important to me so you encouraged me to go against mine, KNOWING what it meant for me if I did. Oh but this was just a way for you to make sure you could get the best of both worlds. You could be the doctor your parents wanted and you could enjoy helping me compose and write. And I thought I was being selfish when…"
Flesh sounded against flesh. A deafening silence engulfed the apartment which was pierced by the sound of heavy, ragged breaths.
In an instant the anger that fuelled her actions drained and was replaced by horror. "Gomen'nasai Mamoru. Gomen! I didn't mean…" His eyes were empty and cold – devoid of any kind of emotion. That scared her as she looked into them; it seemed like he was now looking straight through her.
"I think it's time I got you home." He said flatly.
"Mamoru please. I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that." She cried remorsefully as the redness of his cheek served as a grim reminder of her actions. Whatever chance she had of reasoning with him when they both calmed down was now gone.
Two more weeks. That's all the time she had to try to make up with Mamoru. Putting in more hours at the hospital did not help as much as she thought it would – any down time was spent reliving that incident in his apartment that night. She still could not believe that she had let her anger get to her to the point where she would slap him. Seeing his cold eyes was worse than having him upset at her. As she sat in her office waiting out the last 15 minutes of her daily shift, she pondered what he had been asking. Under normal circumstances his request would have been unreasonable to her; there was no way a significant other should ask the other to drop their career in order to be with them. Theirs, on the other hand, was not an ordinary circumstance. Mamoru had made a good point, and had every right to be upset with her, when he highlighted her hypocrisy: she held on for dear life to a career she had never wanted to do to keep in the good graces of her family, while at the same time she had pushed Mamoru in the direction of going against his own family. Of course she could argue, like the stubborn part of her did, that the final decision had been up to Mamoru regardless of what she had told him; he had a mind of his own did he not? And yet, somehow, Usagi was not satisfied with that. The support from his two closest friends was probably the only reason why Mamoru had the courage to go against the grain in light of what he stood to lose. She did not have to ask Motoki to know that he backed Mamoru in whatever he chose, but she knew that the final decision was more than likely influenced by how strongly she had pushed him before he finally made up his mind. Her encouragement had been for selfish reasons – she knew that in her heart at the time and he discerned it later.
'Well, they were not ENTIRELY selfish reasons.' She noted.
His happiness was also behind her motivation - his extreme dislike for business meant running his father's company was never going to be his cup of tea. They might have started a relationship much sooner if he had stayed, but what good would it be if his heart was not here. Despite her selfish reasons he had never been upset at her; he continued to write and compose for her. He religiously ensured that she was a part of his process to give her access to a world he knew she yearned for. Hearing him sound so betrayed…so hurt…by her not even giving consideration to what he wanted before saying no made Usagi's stomach drop.
Mamoru had the same double motives behind asking her to give up everything here to come with him. He was being selfish – coming with him was to keep them together at all times as he moved from city to city; but he was also thinking of her – giving her a more intimate role in his musical life as they worked as an "official team" as he had put it. Technically speaking, she would be switching careers rather than giving up a career to follow him. A giggle escaped as she thought of how many people could say that they left their successful career as a doctor to be a musician. Tingles of excitement surged through her body at the thought of finally being able to live and breathe music for the rest of her life; what made it better was that she would be able to do it with Mamoru.
"If he still wants me there that is." Usagi's shoulders slumped.
She could go over to his apartment unannounced and force him to talk to her. Mamoru had been ignoring her all week and, knowing his stubbornness, he could continue to do so for an eternity. Picking up the phone she began to dial a familiar number when the first 4 bars to a song played on the radio in her office which resonated within her soul. Lyrics were not necessary for her to recognise one of Mamoru's songs; this particular song, however, always caused the love she had for him to take a hold of her in a most powerful way. Usagi started to finger the ring on the chain again - such was her habit whenever she heard this song.
"It's just a gift to say thank you for everything. And since your birthday is coming up consider it an early birthday gift. I've been late every other year and you never let me live it down! Besides, the pink diamond suits you." he had explained easily to her when she called to ask him about it. Usually, she would accept any of his gifts and call to tell him thank you; this one was a bit more special and she did not want to jump to conclusions about it. "Everything else I've given to you are ornaments and the like so I tried to change it up this time. The album is also now officially certified as diamond so it's appropriate agreed?" he said as he dropped the bombshell. She had been so excited by the news that she forgot all about the ring and started on the album and what the team out there was going to do to celebrate the momentous occasion.
Around her office Usagi saw some of the trinkets Mamoru referred to that he had sent to her over the years for her birthday and Christmas. Others were markers of various special milestones he achieved: his first song to go platinum; the first album to go platinum; the first Grammy award. All of the gifts had been carefully thought out, each causing her breath to hitch when she opened them. She ran a hand over the snow globe with the dancing ballerina inside which sat at the head of her desk, and cast her mind to the jewellery box which sat on her chest of drawers at home. Both of them had her name intricately engraved as a way of personalising it especially for her. Gifts like those had made it difficult to think of what she could send him in return but she tried her best to replicate his efforts. Thinking about all of it now, she started to appreciate that she had an easy decision to make with him. She knew his gifts were not used as a way to buy her love – they were tangible items he gave to her as a way to hold onto him in his physical absence. They were a part of him he gave to her to make up for not being there with her. It was why he put a lot of effort into what he chose, instead of choosing flimsy items from any random gift shop that would never last. From the first gift he gave to her during his first year overseas, to the last gift he gave to her this year for her birthday, every single one was exquisite in his own way.
"They aren't all expensive." He had joked with her when she enquired during one of their conversations. "Most of them are quite reasonable in fact. I wouldn't break my meagre bank account for you Odango." She scoffed at the nickname he refused to let go of, but could not help the smile that had graced her face.
Sighing, Usagi acknowledged with a heavy heart that this was all he had been asking her to do: sit and think. Thinking made her realise she severely overreacted out of fear of the change and she cringed at the damage she had done; at her age she was not as worried about her parents' reaction as she was about the change that was possible. Sitting and thinking let her logically look at their relationship and examine if she trusted him enough to go through with his "plan". Mamoru was in love with her and would never have made the suggestion if he thought it was to her detriment. If she did not have his songs, the piece on his wall spoke volumes about his love for her, despite her initial disdain for the woman behind her cello. They had not grown apart in those 10 years, but had in fact grown closer and he would never do anything to hurt her in any way. They were with each other every step of the way from then until now and she was not about to lose that.
"Kuso!" she yelled a bit louder than she had intended. Had she simply done what Mamoru asked, he would not have been ignoring her for the past week, and they could have begun to make plans for their future as musicians and as a couple.
"Kuso! Kuso! Kuso!"
For now Usagi figured her priority was to make amends with Mamoru as quickly as possible before it was time for him to leave; her parents would be informed of her…change…when she and Mamoru finalised their plans. When the clock on her laptop read 6:00 PM she quickly packed her things, shed the dreaded white coat and wrapped herself in her long trench coat. She slipped off the flat, enclosed shoes she wore during the day for comfort and put on the scarlet red stiletto boots which were under her desk. The boots complimented the midnight black coat and allowed her to feel like the fashionista she liked to be outside of the hospital walls.
Manic driving oddly calmed her while bobbing and weaving through the late evening traffic. The red light she was currently stopped at made her a bit anxious when it seemed to take forever to turn green.
"Come on!" she grumbled as she drummed her fingers on the steering wheel.
Once she got the green light it was smooth sailing until she got to the complex where his apartment was located. A quick parking job and a brisk walk to the entrance found her in the elevator on her way up to his floor. Her fingers returned to the ring on the chain as she impatiently waited for her stop on the 12th floor. The ding that signalled she had arrived at her destination caused her to close her eyes and take a long, deep breath before the doors opened.
"Usagi-chan?"
Opening her eyes she saw Motoki standing in front of her.
"Toki-chan!" she said cheerfully. "I'm going to Mamoru, but when I finish talk to him I need to talk to you ok?" Usagi instructed as she stepped out of the elevator.
"He's not here Usa. I thought you knew." He replied to her in confusion.
"Knew what?" her heart sank when the insinuation became clear. She did not want to admit it until she heard him say it.
"Didn't he tell you? He left a couple days ago. He told me to keep the rest of his things in boxes at my place for whenever he came back. I'm just here to make sure I didn't miss anything."
Had her hair not been in her traditional messy bun for work she would have grabbed it and pulled it out. "No…no no no! I refuse to let that be our last memory!" cried Usagi into the empty hallway. Then her mind gripped on to the ray of hope Motoki's words offered to her. "Did he say when he was coming back?"
"No, he didn't. Usa," he began as he placed a hand on one of her shaking shoulders, "I know there's something serious between you two. We can go talk now if you need to."
"Hai. Answer me this first, ne?"
"Ok shoot."
"Did he leave his art on the walls or did he take it with him?" she had to know.
"It looks like he took it. There was nothing hanging on any of the walls when I got there."
She launched herself into Motoki's arms allowing the sobs to wrack her body. She had not lost him completely. Not yet. Taking the piece with him was proof that somewhere in the midst of all his irritation he still loved her.
"There's something he wanted me to give you." Said Motoki as he tried to pull away slowly. He reached into his pocket and handed her a folded piece of paper. "I haven't read it…respecting your privacy and all." He tried to smile to help ease her mood.
"Ha. As if you've never invaded my privacy before?" She managed to say through tears and giggles.
His grin in response reminded her of Mamoru; they were definitely friends for a long time. With another deep breath she opened the paper to read what Mamoru had written to her. It was not long – only a few lines. Instinctively she reached for the ring again.
"I didn't leave you Usa, but I got an urgent call to come out and rehearse before the tour began. Don't kill yourself about the slap; I've forgiven you – please, don't do it again." She could hear the seriousness and open chastisement in his voice while reading that. To Usagi, he did not have to worry about that as she did not intend on repeating it. Her inner turmoil and guilt was enough to eat at her for a lifetime. At least now her mind would not keep replaying it over and over again in her down moments.
"I needed time to settle down before I said the wrong thing and that's why I hadn't contacted you; you were also on call the night I left so I didn't want to disturb your work, but as soon as this tour is over I'll be back." She looked up at Motoki and smiled. "He'll be back as soon as the tour is over." She informed their friend before she continued reading.
"Hopefully you sat and thought long and hard about what I said."
'Did I ever!' she thought as she remembered her earlier thoughts in her office that made her rush over here.
"If so, then my last request is that you take the ring that you are fidgeting with as you nervously read this, and wear it on your finger please. It was always intended to be an unspoken promise from me that I will always return to you. I lied back then…sorry. Signed – The Baka."
She laughed heartily to the point where Motoki thought she was going insane for a moment. He definitely paid more attention to her than she realised.
"Wait…nani?" she went back to the paper one more time to read the last part again so that her mind could fully absorb what he was asking her.
"Baka."
It was Usagi's final whisper before she covered her mouth and let silent tears course their way down her face.