Disclaimer: Bleach is not mine.
Warnings: Language (only near the end, though) and a fail!drabble written (and edited) in thirty-three minutes (yeah, I timed myself).
Notes: Based on a quote from Yemi Hikari's Of Birthdays and Siblings. There is also a reference to CrazyTeddyBear's An Idiot's Guide to Surviving in Seireitei.
Vice Versa
Matsumoto sighed for what seemed to be the twenty-seventh time that day – and it was only ten o'clock in the morning. She was staring at her Captain, who had been toiling over that humongous stack of paperwork since at least seven in the morning. She wasn't sure, because by the time she had sleepily stumbled into the office (on time (sort of)!), there was already a nice stack of documents ready to... Actually, she didn't know where the completed paperwork went. She never bothered to find out, since her Captain (former and current) always did her paperwork for her.
"You should take a break," she commented.
Hitsugaya didn't answer.
"Like, right now."
"I still have a few to go."
Matsumoto pointed at the lofty pile of paperwork. "That is not 'a few'!"
He sighed and looked up. "Maybe that's because you aren't doing your share?"
She pouted. "Captain! You should know better than to guilt me into doing work!"
He rolled his eyes and went back to work.
"Seriously, you're going to get one of those conditions – Carp Tunnel Syndrome? – and then I'll have to do your paperwork for you!"
"First, it's Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Second, Shinigami cannot get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Third, I'd gladly suffer from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome if you do your paperwork.
"You're mean."
"You're lazy."
"Are you grumpy, Captain?" She sighed Sigh Number Twenty-Eight. "Kids are happy and carefree, not grumpy."
"I am not a kid."
"Don't you think that paperwork is the punishment for not acting your age?" she pointed out.
"Don't you think it's the other way around?" he countered.
"... Other way around?"
"If I didn't work so much, then maybe I'd actually get a chance to act my age."
Matsumoto's eyes widened.
Hitsugaya smirked inwardly and placed another document on the completed stack.
Under a large tree somewhere in the Eleventh Division, two high-ranked Shinigami rested beneath its shadows, enjoying the warm, summery day.
"Hey," Ikkaku yawned, "didja hear?"
Yumichika was frowning at the split end he found on a strand of his year. "What?"
"Yachiru's got a new playmate."
"Is that so?"
"Yeah." Ikkaku sat back. "Wonder who the poor bastard is."
"Is it time to get the shovels?"
"Nah. Maybe this time, she'll get to play for more than a few hours. We'll start digging his grave tomorrow."
"BALDY-CHAN!"
"HEY, FEATHERS!"
The two men's eyes went from only half-alert to full-blown panicked in half a second.
Simultaneously, their heads turned upwards and stared at the only two children in the Gotei 13.
"Baldy-chan~" Yachiru sang, "do you know where the bouncy balls are?"
Hitsugaya glared at them, promising death if the requested directions weren't given.
Ikkaku and Yumichika pointed to Kenpachi's office.
"Thanks, Cueball." Yachiru pulled her vict – err, companion to the office.
Ikkaku and Yumichika blinked for a few moments to process what just happened before scrambling up and heading for the Tenth Division.
"MATSUMOTO!" the two Eleventh Division Shinigami hollered. They raced through the clean, polished floors and burst into the administrative office.
What they saw was even more shocking than Yachiru and Hitsugaya playing together.
Matsumoto was steadily going through the pile of paperwork, a cup of fresh green tea sitting at the corner of her desk. She didn't look up for the interruption. "Yes?"
"I – I – We..." Ikkaku couldn't stand it. He fainted.
Yumichika followed shortly after.
The next day, the entirety of the Seireitei was talking about the rumours of Captain Hitsugaya and Lieutenant Kusajishi playing and Lieutenant Matsumoto actually doing paperwork.
Most of them scratched their heads at the absurdity of the tale and declared it false.
The more curious ones tried to trace the rumour back to a jealous co-worker or Matsumoto, but couldn't. Therefore, they declared it to be true (though not many believed them).
Because this was the Seireitei. If it couldn't be traced back to a jealous co-worker or Matusmoto, then it was probably true.
OMAKE
The First Division Shinigami hauled a cart full of paperwork through the mountains of Rukongai.
He entered a secret cave nestled in an alcove and, after walking for about fifteen minutes, stopped in front of a boulder. He pushed it aside with ease, revealing a large hole emitting orange light underneath the boulder. With a huff, he hefted the load of papers off the cart and dumped it in. He would return next month to pick up the newly-erased paperwork that always magically appeared beside the boulder.
The paperwork fell... and fell... and fell... until it reached Hell, where moaning souls looked at the new shipment of paperwork being sent by "Those Motherfuckers", as affectionately dubbed by the leader of the punished souls.
The souls in Hell were really miserable.
(Matsumoto = blissfully ignorant.)
I really don't know what the point of this was.
Maybe this drabble was like a Hey-guess-what-I'm-not-dead! kind of story to let people know I hadn't dropped out of the face of Bleach fandom (because I've been spending a lot of time over at Hetalia).
(Speaking of Bleach... OMG ZERO DIVISION... I'm kinda curious as to which one is Kirio Hikifune; I'm guessing she's the woman that doesn't look like an opera singer.)