whoa yeah this is my first fic okay, go easy on me. no killing me if you hate it. (although i wouldn't really suggest killing anyone ever just bc you didn't like their fic settle down)
it's damien/cartman, kind of a dysfunctional relationship. alludes to sex. there you go, goodbye.
Meeting your secret boyfriend in the street when you're out with your friends is intensely awkward, Cartman thinks to himself as he finds himself face to face with Damien. His friends are giving him confused looks. They don't even know he knows Damien, but he can't just brush the guy off. Even if they don't really act like it, they are dating. If arguing and kissing really counts as dating, that is. But he knows if he doesn't say something, Damien will get back at him later. He cringes at the thought, and decides it's best just to act friendly. Before he can do anything, however, Damien has wrapped his arms around Cartman's waist, and has pecked him on the cheek.
"Hello, darling." He says, shooting Cartman an evil smirk. He knows that Cartman doesn't want anyone to know about them. He knows that this is going to make Cartman pissed. Cartman knows that's what he wants. Well, fuck that. Two can play at this game.
"Oh! Damien!" He cries, pretending to be surprised. "What are you doing here?" He says, and presses two sloppy, wet kisses on Damien's cheeks, wrapping his arms around Damien's neck. His voice has a slightly icy undertone. He hopes Damien noticed.
Damien's smirk has grown. He loves it when they battle for power like this. Cartman does too, and they both know it isn't healthy, really, but what does it matter? Their relationship was never going to be healthy, but at least they enjoy it.
"I came to pick up some groceries." Damien says. "I need to pick up some more baking ingredients. You used them all up when you baked me that cake the other day." Cartman's face heats up slightly. Trust Damien to try and embarrass him. He won't let it bother him, though. He can use this. As he opens his mouth to give another fake, sickly sweet reply, Kyle pipes up.
"What the fuck is going on here?" He asks. His arms are crossed across his chest, and he looks unimpressed, and vaguely confused. Kenny and Stan are standing either side of him. They both look baffled. Stan even looks kind of distressed.
Damien releases Cartman from his vice-like hug, and slinks forward. He wraps one arm around Cartman's waist, and pulls him tight to his side.
"I'm Damien." He drawls. "Eric's boyfriend." Cartman hisses slightly at the use of both his first name, and the term boyfriend.
"What?" Kenny asks, blinking.
"You heard him, po'boy. No need to act so surprised." Cartman snaps. He doesn't feel the need to keep up the act that he and Damien started anymore, and tugs himself out of Damien's hold. "What the fuck are you doing here?" He asks. He'd told Damien he'd be out today, so what was he-Oh. Damien had come specifically to piss him off. "Oh, fuck you, Damien. You came here on purpose!" He shoves at Damien, and Damien lets out a shrill laugh.
"Well done, baby, you figured it out! Do you want a prize?" He asks, his tone patronising. Cartman narrows his eyes.
"Some boyfriend you are, fucker." He says, glaring. Damien sneers.
"Like you actually care how good of a boyfriend I am. You just want someone to fuck and argue with."
"And so do you. It's a win-win situation, butt pirate."
Damien grins and leans forward. "You are a particularly good fuck." He purrs, eyes half lidded. Cartman lets out a throaty growl.
"Get the fuck out of here, Damien." He says, pushing Damien away. Damien laughs, and brushes his shirt down.
"Fine, fine." He says. "As you wish, sweetheart." He dives in and kisses Cartman hard on the lips, before turning on his heel and striding off. Cartman flips him off as he walks away, and stomps his foot. Even though he got Damien to give up, he feels like he's lost this round. He turns back to his friends, who are staring at him.
"What?" He snaps.
"Are you going to tell us what that was all about?" Kyle asks.
"Get your big, jew nose out of my business, Firecrotch." Cartman says, irritated.
"Shut the fuck up, gaylord." Kyle snaps. He looks smug after he's said it, like he just realised that gaylord fits really well now that he knows Cartman has a boyfriend. Cartman wants to punch him, but he restrains himself. Any further damage or drama will have been indirectly caused by Damien. He won't let Damien get too far ahead in their game.
"Whatever." Cartman says. "Can we just go to this fucking movie now?" Stan groans.
"Thanks, Cartman. Your little act with your boyfriend are gonna make us late." He huffs. Cartman punches him in the arm, and Kenny starts laughing. Nothing has changed, and Cartman suddenly feels that Damien didn't totally win after all. He lets a smug smile slip on his face, and as they walk to the theatre, Kyle, Kenny, and Stan bantering beside him, he contents himself with thinking about how he's going to get back at Damien later. Fuck that asshole.